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Family and Friends >> My Loved One Has HIV/AIDS

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LipbittingAL
Unregistered

Angry and Venting in the South East
      #163672 - 11/08/05 08:22 PM


Last May my partner discovered that he was HIV positive. Initially we were just good friends that had met when I was shopping in his furniture store just 18 months ago. Our platonic relationship eventually grew into much more just 3 months before we learned of this HIV status after a routine physical examination. I had already fallen completely in love with him before this bomb shell dropped between us on May 5th. Initially many friends clamored around me insisting that I leave him, but I just could not bare that thought. I kept telling myself that I already loved him and that I did not just love him only if he was physically well, but that indeed I truly love this man.


We have since moved on with out lives. I purchased a home and we are in the process of filling up the rooms with stuff. Things seem to be going well, but I’m starting to find myself getting depressed or angry with this situation.

I’ve since learned from my partner’s ex-roommates and friends that basically there was a revolving door attached to his bedroom before we started to get serious. He treated his body as if it was an amusement park for most of this State’s Bear community. I’m just so angry that some guy is out there selfishly giving this disease out simply to satisfy his own needs. I’m just internalizing this poison that the man I love and cherish has compromised many aspects of our lives because he was this foolish with his own body. Now he finally found a man that will love him and support him emotionally and we are tragically dealing with the aftermath his poor choices.

He complains that condoms irritate his skin or that we can not be as intimate as he wishes we could be. I too wish we could be more intimate but he played the numbers game and we will forever have to deal with it. I know that eventually I could catch this disease even if we are as careful as we can be. I know I’m venting, but I’m just so damn angry inside at his promiscuity and freaking gay-bear subculture right now.
Grrrrrrrr

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: Angry and Venting in the South East new
      #163676 - 11/08/05 09:15 PM

Hold on to him..

Eric here... I am farily new to this and I qualify as a Newbie, but when it comes to relationships, dont ever take one for granted. You will regret it! There was a 1 month time frame that I new I was pos and my husband did not know, but was being tested because I was pos during my annual physical. This did not change my attitude towards my husband? It did not change our love for eachother. It brought us even closer together. I prayed he would be negative but if that did not happen, we would still be together. Well, his results were pos to. Its unfortunate but its the facts. We will grow every old together loving eachother until its over. You refer to this as a disease, I do not. Its a condition that is totally treatable and if hanlded the way your Specialists advises, you both will have a great life together. I have done my reasearch and know many in my area that are very happy maried and living life LARGE. Hope, Truest, Understanding. Beleive me, SEX is not the only reason you are together. And yes, you need to be safe, otherwise, yes, you will be in the same situation. I guess thats your call. As far as the revolving door, its still alive and well and many people dont protect themselfs as did the partner you love... It does take two..

All my Best

Eric

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ny10001
Grand Master

Reged: 07/08/05
Posts: 199
Loc: New York
Re: Angry and Venting in the South East new
      #163702 - 11/09/05 09:37 AM

I can certainly understand your frustration. Regarding the selfish person out there passing on the infection, however...it's probably realistic that he didn't know that he was infected. It's been my experience that once a person becomes aware of their condition, they tend to become very responsible in not passing on the infection. Sadly, the reality is also that your partner could have inadvertently passed on the infection as well if his bedroom was the revolving door you've described. This highlights the importance of HIV testing and being aware of one's status.

Regarding your partner's desire for "intimacy". Well, condoms are a must...no if's about it. If you are unhappy with the feeling of the latex condoms, you might try the urethane condoms. Although the FDA has not officially blessed the urethane models for HIV prevention, the medical community has generally approved them for use (the FDA is just more conservative before it gives its approval). The advantage of the urethane models is that they are thinner yet stronger, and unlike latex they do allow heat to readily pass through the condom...which some people believe promotes a greater feeling of intimacy.

I hope you're able to convince your partner of the importance of condoms; otherwise, your health cannot be guaranteed. It's true that HIV is treatable which will allow your partner to live a long and productive life if he chooses, BUT the best treatment by far is to prevent it in the first place.

Good luck to you both.

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debtex
Legend

Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
Re: Angry and Venting in the South East new
      #163752 - 11/09/05 04:28 PM

I can understand your anger and frustration. hearing about how someone you love didnt take the proper precautions "before" meeting love that will complete him does hurt. but I know anytime we hear about past relationships, especially where it may compromise the future you want to build with this person is hard to accpt.
but you fell in love with him.....regardless of his past. you love him for who he is...and the "future" you can make together. its hard not to...especially when faced with this, leave the past in the past.
but the future is the two of you. and please do stick to your guns on the condom issue. i know it may seem (to him) that you cannot be as intimate with condoms....but you really can. my husband and I have been together for 8 yrs...and have a super sex life. i know sometimes it may "seem" like there is a certain closeness when sex is without barriers, but the only thing that will create a barrier....is your hearts. and how much of a barrier would be built if you did have unprotected sex, and you worried about your health or your status. course you would both be afraid to talk about it...and thats where the barriers seed is planted. yes, he did allow this to happen to him in his past.....but he shouldnt want it to happen to the one he loves at all in his future.
i wish you all the best.
love and prayers,
debbie

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Angry and Venting in the South East new
      #163821 - 11/10/05 09:44 AM

Hello.
sorry to heard that.
you do not have to catch it, if you do not have it. if you love him, and he loves you, he have to understand the rules of this new situation. if he insist on been unsafe, then he is been selfish, and you do not have to feel bad for leaving, or taking strong actions.
I have made many mistakes, and due to the origin of my relationship, i have cheated on my BF. I always knew he new, but he did not want to hear it about, i never stop feeling guilty, so i told him. the first thing i did when started having an affair was to stop having sex with my BF, i was terrified to put him at risk.

after all the worries i went to get tested and came back negative. I was very amazed with my BF, which after knowing everything told me that even if i was poz, he would not leave me. i only have to behave better.

so, yes there are people who really love, and if you love you protect yourself and yours. I would never, ever ask him to have unprotected sex with me if i am not confident i was ok, or if i was poz, not even if he wants it to.

the real love shows when you love yourself, but you have the ability to be unselfish, and love those around you in the same way.


i wish you luck, please get tested, and love yourself first, be companionate, but realistic of the consequences of having unprotected sex with a poz person.
God bless.


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Angry and Venting in the South East new
      #164131 - 11/14/05 06:30 PM

Thanks Eric.
Hey, thanks Eric for the advice. My last true exposure test is now due more than 6 months out from his positive result. Hopefully, my test will continue to show up negatively. I think it would cause him grief if he knew he gave this to me. Yet it was my choice to have unsafe contact with him in the beginning of our courtship and that is my responsibility too. We talked about taking it safe and he said that all of his partners were negative and he tested negative after his last long term relationship and he promised me that he used protection since then so I thought “what were the chances?” and we played that gamble. I’ve only had a few partners my whole life and stayed monogamously with my 3 ex-husbands. Each time I started to date I used to use protection until we were monogamous and both were tested. Funny how this last relationship I broke my own rules and ended up being completely exposed.

Anyhow, I do love him and will stick this out. Thanks again Eric for the mental support. Best of luck to you guys in Colorado.


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Angry and Venting in the South East new
      #164132 - 11/14/05 06:38 PM

Hey NY10001:
Thanks for your response. This site is really making me feel better. Such a great tool to anonymously seek out advice and just to let some anxiety go. I agree that it is unfortunate that my partner may have inadvertently passed this disease on to others as well. I strongly encouraged him to contact those he had been with in the past year or two years to inform them to get tested, but I am sure that is a difficult task to accomplish. Moralistically, I would think that it is the correct thing to do, but I asked him several times that he should do this so that someone else out there may avoid unnecessary exposure. I stopped beating the dead horse. Thanks again for your advice. I will look for those products, and that may help.


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Anonymous(Tony)
Unregistered

Re: Angry and Venting in the South East new
      #164218 - 11/15/05 06:18 PM

we all pay for our actions whether good or bad. None of us saw the consequences coming. WOW. If we had a crystal ball to see the future, I am sure that we would have looked closer and paid more attention. As for the feelings of anger and resentment, you have to live with it, own it and move past it. When we love and give of ourselves we do it completely and totally and there is our mistake. We trust that the other person is totally honest and sometimes people are not. Or they just don't know that they are harboring a time machine bomb. Also true, as in my case is the fact that some of us did live a life of a revolving door cause we lacked a true understanding of ourselves and lacked that confidence that we are truly wonderful people and that if we said no to sexual advances we would not be the worst people on earth. I did not say no cause I was looking for love and affection everywhere, cause i did not truly feel love for myself. I was looking for it in everyone.

You sound like everthing is okay now I hope and trust you and your partner will love and take the necessary time to develop the necessary trust that it takes to be together for a long time. Take care and good luck.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Angry and Venting in the South East new
      #164364 - 11/16/05 04:56 PM

Great advice Deb. I know that I should give the past a rest. I just keep getting confronted about his dating history when he talks about his ex-partners and I just keep thinking what dogs they were and just wished that he did not put up with all those open relationships and garbage. He deserved better. I just want to hold him and let him know that I’m here for him 100%. Finally he will have a husband that will not whore around. I just can not imagine why anyone chose to do that to him anyhow. It just seems so foolish.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Angry and Venting in the South East new
      #164365 - 11/16/05 05:03 PM

Thanks for your response. I do love him and we will be safe.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Angry and Venting in the South East new
      #164367 - 11/16/05 05:21 PM

Tony:
Thank you for your wise response. Yes, I realize that we all must deal with the consequences of our life choices. I’m just venting my anger towards faceless strangers that have toiled biblically with my life partner. I know obviously that my sweetheart made some poor choices to fulfill the loneliness he must have been feeling. Lord knows I can not be totally hypocritical, because I too have had a few one-night stands in my life even though basically I spent most of my dating years dominated by prudish behaviors. I just feel lost that I can not protect him from his history. I hate hearing about his past and those sleazy ex-“Bear”friends. It just makes me ill knowing so much that maybe I shouldn’t know about his promiscuous lifestyle. I just hope that time will fill my memory of our good times so that we may put to rest that knowledge. I know that both of us will pay for those mistakes taken. Dealing with this illness, taking all the precautions that we now have to take, and even worrying that there will always be a chance, even if minimal, that I can become sick too because of this. That is my choice though. I will “own” that burden if it happens. All I know is that I love this man. I will treat him with respect and honor him with all the love I can muster. Anyhow, Tony… again thank you for your words. Take care.
V-ntheSE

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