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Family and Friends >> My Loved One Has HIV/AIDS

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Jenni
Master

Reged: 11/06/05
Posts: 149
Loc: Texas, USA
He's positive, I'm negative... for now.
      #163477 - 11/06/05 10:21 PM

About 6 months ago we found out that my boyfriend of a year was HIV+. I was negative.

We were tested because he had applied for life insurance. They drew a few tubes of blood and we didn't think about it again. Then he got a letter saying that his policy had been rejected because of 'severe abnormalities' found in his blood. He didn't tell me at first. I still am not sure how long he had the letter before he told me. When he finally did he was so scared that I would leave him, hate him, never speak to him again. All I could do is cry.

We went together to be tested. Regardless of HIV status, he is the man I fell in love with. I told him that this would be something that we would endure together.

When we went to find out our results I didn't know how to feel. I wanted us to both be negative and be able to laugh it off. But I knew that whatever was wrong with him couldn't be good. They don't deny you life insurance unless you're dying....

When his test came back positive and mine was negative I was almost angry at myself... I didn't deserve to be okay if he wasn't. We had had unprotected sex for a YEAR. How could I be okay?

I am still in shock. It is so unreal. I can't get him to go to a Dr. to see if he needs meds yet. He just wants to ignore it and let it kill him. I can't stand it.

I'm going to be tested again soon. I'm scared. If I'm positive then he's going to feel guiltier than he already does. The only good thing is maybe I'll be able to get him to go to the Dr. with me.

I just don't know what to do to help him. I can't say it's all going to be okay because, realistically, it's not. He has a fatal disease with no cure. I try so hard to reassure him that I am not going anywhere but he still expects me to run any minute.

Is anyone else here going through, or have you gone through a similar situation? What do I do? How can I make him believe that I love him and we're in this together?

--------------------
It's you that I live for and for you that I die.
So I'll lay here with you until the final goodbye

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: He's positive, I'm negative... for now. new
      #163484 - 11/07/05 06:48 AM

jenni,
i am sorry to heard about your case. i know it is the hardest thing to endure. I also need to be tested for having unprotected sex with a friend i thought was real, and honest.
i am angry, sad, going crazy in my head.
my BF tells me the same thing you say to yours. he will not leave, he will be there, he will endure this with me and much more. But been practically in his shoes myself, i do understand how he feels. it is a fear that is out of control, something that will ease with time, counseling, and support.
he does not loves you any less, or loves himself. he is not ready to deal with the reality of it, it is like been an alcoholic, you know it, you know you need help, but is only until you are ready then you do something about it. in case, you do something about it in between been completely ready, or doubtful. My point is, he will need a little time to digest what happens, think it through...what did i did wrong?, and so on.
once all of that is answer there will be no other thing to do than accept it, and deal with it, like anything else in life.

who wants to be in bankruptcy, especially if you were always able to take care of you and yours. well after happens, there is not way back, only deal with it, and the consequences(no credit, no cd cards, etc), so, sounds crazy but it is another thing in life that happens, but you deal with it.

so my prayers are for both of you. if he need someone to talk to, there is here many people willing to do so, even on the phone, so once he is ready, maybe you can introduce him to this forum.

at times maybe he will be angry and behave unfair to you, but he is not taking it on you, he is just having a hard time accepting it. so be patience.

God bless, keep you negative, and willing to be his support, and yourself.
we want to heard from you.


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ny10001
Grand Master

Reged: 07/08/05
Posts: 199
Loc: New York
Re: He's positive, I'm negative... for now. new
      #163505 - 11/07/05 01:05 PM

I understand both of your concerns, but HIV can be managed. I don't know why your boyfriend would want the disease to kill him (a choice he would quickly regret since the opportunistic infections are not pretty, nor do they kill you quickly).

Getting your BF to see a doctor and learn the viral load and T-cell count is critical. The medications available today are excellent and quite tolerable...especially the current first line regimens.

Think of it this way, if your BF had high cholesterol, wouldn't he be willing to treat it with the appropriate medications? If he had cancer wouldn't he go through treatment for that?

I realize that it can be depressing at first, especially for the heterosexual community (at least in the US...other countries the opposite is true). I'd urge you to do everything you can to help your positive partners visit their HIV specialists. They can still lead long, happy, productive lives. Having children is even possible today...with the right medical supervision. Having a virus in one's body does not define whether or not one is a good and worthwhile person.

Good luck to you both.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: He's positive, I'm negative... for now. new
      #163630 - 11/08/05 03:28 PM

I can understand your feelings. I am actually positive and was recently married. Found out 2 years after I got married(3 months ago) when I landed in the hospital with PCP. I was in there for a month. NOT FUN! Medecine has come such a long way, and I am surprised my husband(who is neg)stuck by me. Everyday he is here with me and I think he is crazy. Not that I wasnt him to leave but it's hard to think(as your boyfriend)that anyone can really want to be with someone that is in our shoes. Do not think you are positive just to get him to the doctor. Try to talk rationally to him adn maybe have someone who knows about this a little more can talk to him. I would hate to see him think like this when he can live a long normal life. Please explain to him, it is possible. Let us know how it works out. GOOD LUCK

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Jenni
Master

Reged: 11/06/05
Posts: 149
Loc: Texas, USA
Re: He's positive, I'm negative... for now. new
      #163678 - 11/08/05 09:18 PM

Thank you! I sent your response to him. Hopefully he will listen.


--------------------
It's you that I live for and for you that I die.
So I'll lay here with you until the final goodbye

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: He's positive, I'm negative... for now. new
      #163700 - 11/09/05 08:54 AM

I just want to let you you know you are not alone.We found out 6 months ago too. He is pos I am neg.At first he said he wound not take the meds because of how sick he would be from them.But we spoke and he has been on them now for 5 months.Thank GOD he is not having side affects from them. I have tested neg 3 times so that makes him feel better because I think that would have pushed him over the edge.He has good days and bad days mentally and all I can do is be here and let him know how much i love him. But it has not been easy. He needs to find out his numbers and if he has to start the meds, my bf numbers are getting better so the meds are working.I know this is not easy for you either I know what I am going through. It is not easy on us either. Keep in touch it is good to speak to someone else in the same siuation.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: He's positive, I'm negative... for now. new
      #163761 - 11/09/05 06:43 PM

I've been + for 7 years (35 yr old woman)...and can relate to what your boyfriend is going through as my 1st 6 months were v. hard too. But I immediately got on meds, which used to be difficult many times a day with complex eating restriction...now I pop 3 pills in the morning and 1 more 12 hours later - no food restrictions. Treatment today is like treating high blood pressure or other chronic diseases that require meds every day. If he is diligent about taking his pills on time and just being healthy, eating right and exercising, he can more than likely expect to live a normal life span. Romantic life can be fine too..I've met the love of my life, he is negative and we have normal sexual relations. We just are v. v. safe and use condoms all the time. Life is not over for you boyfriend, he just needs to educate himself, get on meds (if his #s warrent them) and take care of himself. He's lucky to have you with him helping him get through the "initial" denial and shock.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

grow up and get serious new
      #163805 - 11/10/05 12:34 AM

there are many people in the world who are much worse off than someone with hiv in the usa in 2005. to not do something is probably because he has not learned what his treatment options are, even if he doesn't have insurance.

i was where he is at nowi'm blind in one eye and i have scars from shingles on one side of my chest. i was always told i had great skin and a nice body, but now i can't even go to the beach because of the scars. which sucks because i live in florida. all because i waited until i was on the verge of death to get treatment. i looked terrible and had been sick for weeks before checking myself in at the emergency room.

it's been almost 3 years since i started treatment, and now i look and feel better than i have in years. i was taking 2 meds a day, at bedtime. now i take 4 at bedtime. the side effects are much less annoying. the sustiva and epzicom i had been on worked well, except it made me want to commit suicide about every 34 minutes or so.

good luck to you. sometimes all someone needs is some support, some compassion and the knowledge that you are not alone. your bf just CAN'T die of hiv in the usa in the new millenium. i mean, how TACKY would that be? then you'd just DIE of embarrassment. so we'd have two hiv related deaths to deal with. be happy. be healthy. take drugs like a normal person.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: He's positive, I'm negative... for now. new
      #163812 - 11/10/05 04:45 AM

Hi, I also had dated my BF for almost a year before we found out that I was Hiv+ and he was not, luckily, the first thought was that he was gonna leave me, and that I would never find love again, ofcourse he was chocked and didnt know what would happen, but we stayed together, I would never not take meds, why should I die if I can live, and why should I leave my BF when he stayed, it not just your BF that this is about, your in it together, and he not takng meds is the same as saying he is gonna leave u at some point. Try talking to a specialist so he can see that its not all bad, make him look at it in a diff way. Ofcourse Im not happy being infected, but looking at it as a point in your life were u start looking differently at life can be a positive thing, and if he still dont wnna look at the facts, well then I relly ddont think he is worth staying around for, no need for u to be troubled more than nessesary, if he wont do meds he will die, why should u watch him die? Sorry harsh, but you have being doing sacifises so wh souldnt he.. Im 30 yo now and are not gonna stop living because of fear

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Buddha
Unregistered

Re: He's positive, I'm negative... for now. new
      #163826 - 11/10/05 10:02 AM

Well......I did not gone thru this situation. But may give you some advice. Just remember he is the one facing death. He will feel that both of you are from different world, it seem like ten years ago is that gay people feel they are from different world cpmpare to str8 guy. He now have the same feeling. The most important thing is that let him feel that both of you are in the same position. You may need to show him those people who are worse than him like cancer people. We will have long life if we know how to take care of our health. Do some research and show him the fact. Compare to cancer people we are much more better than them as we do not need to suffer during the treatment and we have longer life compare to them. Try to imagine, those blind people, handicap how they live. We have everything with us. Why just simply give up life. Living, should not give up hope.

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Aziz
Unregistered

Re: He's positive, I'm negative... for now. new
      #163903 - 11/11/05 09:15 AM

jenn ure positive too dont live in fantasy world if i were u i would leave him some people dont get positive test antibody and undetectable viral load because they are infected with other form of virus.stop unsafe sex

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Jan
Unregistered

Re: He's positive, I'm negative... for now. new
      #164090 - 11/13/05 09:51 PM

Jenni:
I have seen some pretty negative posts as a reply to your post. I am a gay man living with AIDS. I contracted it in 1986( I was just 36 at the time) and did not develope to aids till 2001. And it was my fault. I managed to let my medical coverage lapse and so was off meds for about 3 years before it finally caught up with me in 2004.

This would be my advise. If you know this is the man that you love and want to spend the rest of your life with him then do so. Don't listen to any of the nay sayers here or ANYwhere else. He has to start to face up to this and it is not as bad as it looks. I have had HIV for 19 years and almost died of a heart attack just last year. And it was not HIV related, it was a genetic condition passed down from my loving Grandmother, you see the meds are that good now, we are dying of all the normal things.
This is what I would suggest. You NEED to talk. It is not as bad as it once was. There are medications and they DO work. Cut out all bad habits. ALL. Smoking, drinking, bad diet ect. Start exercising. If you both or either one uses any kind of illicit or illeagel drugs then STOP. Get professional help if you can't do it on your own. If your in this for the long haul then make it as easy on your selves as possible. Do all the right things and stop doing any of the wrong things. There are three main ways that a person gets HIV. Unsafe sex with a Man, Women or sharing a dirty or contaminated needle. You Husband needs to tell you how he got it. Now is the time for him to stand up and be the man that he is. Be honest and MONOGOMOUS and if you can't: then be SAFE and SMART and EDUCATED!
Take Vitamins eat a healty diet. Learn to enjoy each other again and reduce the stress in your lives as much as possible. Start learning not to sweat the small stuff and make each day a great pleasure. Play, laugh and have fun, TAKE TIME TO MAKE EVERY DAY AS WONDERFUL AS YOU CAN. HIV may be in the future but we will ALL DIE and we may never see death coming, even if your HIV-, death is out there waiting.
If your so inclined, " though I am not, I know this can be very helpful to many people", then go to church. Choose one that is welcoming and affirming.
HIV is nothing to hide from or to be ashamed of. Get over that. Start building up a very good and close knit circle of friends be honest with them. Don't count them out, let them count them selves out.
Find the best Dr.s you can and get the best information that you can on HIV and know that I think this site is the best one that I know of. Educate and Protect YOURSELF. Also please verify that your really HIV- and from now on have safe sex. Get on your meds and keep your jobs and insurance, or find out what public resources are available in your area.
To let the HIV be attacking your body with out meds only weakens the body and you SHOULD be on MEDS as SOON as possible or when ever your Dr. says.
When your finally on meds.. take them as directed and do not let them lapse.
I have a lover/life partner and we have been living together for 6 years. He is HIV- and we make sure that we keep it that way. He has been the most wonderful blessing that I could ever have had. I told him right up front when we first met that I was HIV+ and he did not flinch. A relationship built on any lie would have been catastrophic for us both. So know that it is possible. One last thing. Beware of depression. That can creep up on you or him and make this all very difficult. If you find that your either one depressed.. then again Get medical help.
I wish you all the best. There may not be a cure any time soon but the meds are getting better and better all the time.
My not very christian prayers go with you both. Keep accessing this site till you have all the answers and information that you need.
And now dear person, I will get off my soap box and hope that tomorrow will seem a just a little bit brighter.
HUGS.
Jan

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: there is hope new
      #183996 - 04/03/06 09:42 AM

hi I'm in the same position as you are,, my boyfriend was diagnosed HIV+ 2 months ago after we went into get checked so i could get fitted with a coil, it was a big shock to us when his results came back positive mine came back negative but i am still waiting to be tested again over the past weeks i have learnt a lot about HIV and how it affects people. being diagnosed HIV doesnt automatically mean you will die anytime soon. the drugs that are available will stop HIV in its track and reverse the affects ,but he needs to see the doctors to see how the virus is affecting him. me and my boyfriend are still living a full and loving relationship and are hoping to marry and have children in the future take care and good luck

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