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Family and Friends >> My Loved One Has HIV/AIDS

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Advice Please - partner just diagnosed positive
      #16253 - 03/06/01 10:48 PM

Hey guys

Hoping someone out there will be able to give me some ideas on how to handle the situation in which I'm now finding myself.

I've been with my fella for about 3mths but it has been a serious relationship with a hell of a lot of forward planning.

He, though, tested positive for HIV on Friday last week. He only found out a week before that an ex of his was positive. So he's had the virus for at least 5+ years.

Unfortunately, the biggest problem at the moment is the fact that he has now decided he's gonna support me whilst we wait 12 weeks for me to test, but he's made his mind up to the fact that our relationship as a couple is over and from here on in he's going to be a single person. He believes that he can't be close to anyone again and that even though he loves me he sees that as irrelevant now this diagnosis has been made.

Personally I don't give a monkeys about his test result...he's still the same man that I met and fell for! It just seems that nothing short of a sledgehammer is going to make him aware of that fact.

He's just decided he can't continue in a relationship with me and live around my children. Or, in his words, 'have this around the kids'...

So far as he's concerned I get my test, hopefully its negative and to quote him "I get another bite of the cherry of life and he retreats to live a singular lifestyle"....

None of this is helped by the fact that we've currently got 200 miles between us as he returned to his home town for a job and we (me and the kids) are supposed to be going to join him there in the summer. I haven't seen him yet since the diagnosis but he's supposed to be coming home for a few days on Thurs...

Grrrr!!! On one hand I want him to walk through the door and give and receive a huge cuddle and on the other I want to smack him in the mouth for being so darn idiotic!

Also, to be perfectly honest, I really can't cope with the idea of this relationship breaking up and the devastation that will bring to my family as well as the diagnosis and a great long wait 'till I can find out my own status.... Relationships go pear shaped for natural things such as it just not working out, or one partner meeting someone else or some other such reason... Not simply 'cause he's got a positive diagnosis for HIV. I just can't understand it...

I don't want to lose this fella just 'cause he's HIV+ but I don't know if this is a common knee jerk reaction that will subside with time or whether this is really how he's gonna be from here on in... And if it does subside with time is that likely to happen within my 12 week window or is he likely to wake up and smell the coffee well after he's walked away from him and I?

Don't really know what to do for the best for either him or myself. Want to be there for him but at the same time I'm feeling so pushed away....

For the moment at least he won't consider counselling or talking to anyone else... And it isn't that easy to talk to him properly myself when he is only really able to call from either work or his mother's...

Sorry for wittering on for so long guys but really, any thoughts or experiences which might help me further understand where he is coming from, what he's going through, what's best to do for him and ultimately I suppose whether he's gonna come out of this...

Thanks in advance...

Ann Marie



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Jackie_Blue
Legend

Reged: 10/26/00
Posts: 2028
Re: Advice Please - partner just diagnosed positive new
      #16259 - 03/07/01 09:43 AM

When someone receives that positive test it turns your life upside down. At first you feel like a walking time bomb. You can't eat, you can sleep. You are dealing with really intense emotions all at once. You are overwhelmed. You feel you are a danger to everyone. It takes a while to regain your sense of balance. The fact he is pushing you away right now is normal. He may be feeling guilty that he has put you at risk. Never mind he didn't do anything to feel guilty about because he didn't know he was poz ....and he's scared. He's scared for his health and life. He's scared about a future that at this point he sees only as illness and helplessness. He's scared he may already infected you. He's scared he may be a danger to your kids. I know when I first found I was poz my first concern was how much danger are my kids in being around me and they were already living with someone who was poz. I already KNEW that casual contact didn't transmit the disease. But suddenly it was me and that made a big difference in my mind. It wasn't rational, but it's not a rational time.

Right now, be there for him, but don't push.

Help him to learn as much about this disease as you can. Treatments, stories from people living normal lives with it, Clinical trials. If you can and he will let you, see his doctor with him. Ask his doctor questions. Learn about viral loads, cd4 counts, etc. The more you both learn about this, the less scary it will seem to him and the better able he will be able to deal with it.

Hope some of this helps.

J.






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Jenner
Regular

Reged: 04/24/00
Posts: 28
Loc: USA
Re: Advice Please - partner just diagnosed positive new
      #16305 - 03/08/01 11:42 AM

I can't say it any better than Jackie just did. Communication, Education, Time and Love. All the basics for a great relationship.

Take care!
Jenner



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Advice Please - partner just diagnosed positive new
      #16549 - 03/12/01 09:06 PM

Thank you both for your comments.

He came to stay last week for a couple of days and things didn't seem too bad... I tried to make everything as 'normal' as possible.

When we did talk though he was still of the mind that from here on in he should be single. He didn't take much pursuading to maintain our relationship until my results but he was still saying that if I'm neg then he's off and if I'm pos then we'll talk again.

In some ways he proved to himself that our time together can be just as it was before he had this news... But on the other hand he's convinced that he is a different person now and doesn't want a partner - just wants to take responsibility for himself and deal with everything himself as it comes along... Doesn't want me to love him or for him to have those feelings for me anymore...

He won't consider counselling at all... Just wants to keep himself busy so that he doesn't have to think about it too much - and maintain a facade so that all those people who know him don't suspect that anything may be wrong...

Since he's gone back home (he's 200 miles away from me) he seems to be alternating between being quite ok and loving even to really giving me bad attitude with his head right up his backside...

I'm so flaming frustrated, and of course, trying my hardest not to think about having to take my own test at the end of May... I'm in a bit of a no win situation - if it's neg it looks like he's going to end things somehow I'd have to start again with the knowledge that HIV stuffed up something that seemed good and take that with me from here on in, and if it's pos I still don't know what'll happen but obviously I'll have to get on and deal with it somehow...

We've only been together for 3 months before this bombshell hit and I know it is still early days since his diagnosis but I sure as hell don't want to see this relationship go down the pan over this...

Just feel I'm hitting my head against a brick wall I suppose...

He's supposed to be back down for the weekend in two weeks - in some ways I'm really looking forward to seeing him and in others I'm dreading it... If that makes sense...

Anyway...thanks again for your input...any more words of wisdom would be well appreciated...

Take care





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Jackie_Blue
Legend

Reged: 10/26/00
Posts: 2028
Re: Advice Please - partner just diagnosed positive new
      #16600 - 03/14/01 09:04 AM

Hang in there!

At least the two of you are communicating, even if he's flip flopping on his behavior. That's normal. Sounds like he's starting to deal with it a little bit. Remember it's a BIG thing to get used to, but he will.

In the meantime, don't forget to take care of yourself. You sure sound like you are dealing with the waiting much better than a lot of people.

I know it's a frustrating time for you and I wish I could tell you what to do to make it all alright again. One good thing to keep in mind. You two make it through this and other problems people have in relationships will seem a piece of cake :)

Feel free to private message me. If you register as a new user you can then use the Body's message system.

J.



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Advice Please - partner just diagnosed positive new
      #17525 - 04/22/01 09:17 AM

I am in your same position. This note will not make you feel any better but here goes. I am in love with a man who loves me but has been HIV+ for 14 years. He will not partake of a serious relationship due to the HIV. 200 miles is nothing. I live in the states and he lives in England! Legal issues on HIV would prevent either of us moving to the others country. I have known him for 10 years but we just discovered these feelings in the last 8 months. I am still hopeful, because although he says he cannot handle a relationship due to the stress and worry of infecting me, he continues to communicate and talk about it. Maybe there is hope for us both!!



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Advice Please - partner just diagnosed positive new
      #23633 - 10/21/01 02:55 PM

Hi there I've just found out a couple of months ago that I'm HIV+.I also was in a relationship with a very special woman whom I for the first in my 35 years was considering matrimony. When I was diagnosed it was a very devistating blow to me considering I may have also infected her the woman that I love so dearly. In my own experience I found myself being very angry at the world and myself. She wanted to stay with me for support and the fact that we were and still are very much in love. anyhow things went from bad to worse because I kept pushing her away, finally I pushed too far and she did leave and now there is 3000+ miles between us.We still talk and joke on the phone but I'm alone now wishing that we could have worked it out or at least that I wasn't so selfish just thinking about myself. I think that your man is probably going through many of the same emotional rollercoaster that I've experienced. my advice to you is to let time take its course and roll with it for a time like me he'll probably realise that your in it for better or worse and that you'll be there for him Good luck and God bless.




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learning
Newbie

Reged: 09/09/04
Posts: 2
Re: Advice Please - partner just diagnosed positive new
      #111480 - 09/09/04 11:36 PM

My Love tested positive last fall ... we don't live together at the moment ... but gosh, he's everything I've ever wanted for the man in my life ... and we've made many plans ... he shared with me that there are moments that he wants to disappear ... but for now ... and I truly understand that it's only for now ... we continue to talk about our plans ... he was very supportive in waiting for my test results (negative) ... and so relieved ... he struggles with the realization that there will come a time that he will need someone to take care of him ... we talk about the commitment of our love ... I remind him that things happen for a reason ... and there is a reason that I'm okay ... I want to be with him ... for as long as we have ... this dreaded disease ... is affecting so many people because of the secrecy of it all ... what better lesson can we be as parents to our children ... than by sharing with them the reality ... I'm babbling here ... I'm sorry ... I know ... that there may come a time that my Love will call me and say ... "I can't do this ... I don't want to expose you to this ... to put you through this - to put you at risk ... " ... I"m aware that I have no control over that ... so I soak up every minute that I have ... and pray that he won't make the same choice as your husband ... but we're certainly helpless to the fact that they may want to take away our choice by leaving ... such a painful painful thought ... I feel bad for you ... and hope that he will change his mind ... and hope and pray that my day doesn't come where I hear the same ... Take care of you ...

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Broken_Angel1
Guru

Reged: 02/26/04
Posts: 272
Loc: Arizona
Re: Advice Please - partner just diagnosed positive new
      #111590 - 09/16/04 02:21 AM

Your boyfriend is a very lucky man. Keep supporting him, and enjoy each other's lives to the fullest.

--------------------
"No act of kindness,
no matter how small,
is ever wasted." AESOP


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