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Family and Friends >> My Loved One Has HIV/AIDS

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Anonymous
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Aids in the American Family
      #162515 - 10/22/05 10:32 PM

My husband was diagnosed with AIDS in December of 1999. I have done all that is humanly possible to get him the best drs and provide him loving and sympathetic care through all the opportunistic infections he has survived through. We have 2 beautiful children and have always been role models of love and service in our community. The problem is he has alienated himself from me and our children for the past year and a half and does not allow me contact with his drs. He has come and gone from our home up until 5 months ago when he left for good. He blames me for all kinds of absurd actions that I have nothing to do with. He has filed for divorce from me and claims I have been abusive to him (absolutely untrue). I finally had to get a restraining order to protect me and the children because he was bleeding through the house saying I had done this to him. Our children and I are very fortunate not to even be HIV positive even though my husband and I were intimate almost every day before his diagnosis.

The problem is we are facing legal battles now and I feel so tremendously weird and guilty about it because I know he is sick and believe very strongly, knowing him as well as I do, that all this is a form of dementia that he has no control over his apathy and deteriorating behavior. My lawyer wants me to be tough and not speak to him at all, but I feel so sad for him and know he would never turn his back on me and our children if he wasn't "sick". He currently does not even have an infectious disease dr that I know of and only sees an oncologist who doesn't seem to understand or be knowledgeable about AIDS and dementia.

This is all so terrifying and sad. I feel that this is such an enigmatic situation and being estranged from my husband is the worst part. Also, going to court and trying to work through legal issues with someone who I know does not have their mental faculties is so preposterous. He seems somewhat normal to others, but his morality and goals for his family, his children are non-existent.

What can I do to maintain our family's sense of normalcy? My son says we are now 3/4 without his dad, yet both of the children are so upset with him due to his apathy towards us.

Any suggestions would be most helpful. It seems like so many people in this country died of AIDS in the 90's. Now in the new millennium people are living with AIDS but with such complicated problems as I've described herein. He can take his meds and go on with his life, whatever it is. But what about the wife and children he has left behind. How do we begin to understand and cope with the loss, even though he lives on….somewhere unbeknownst to us.

Any insight or help you can provide would be greatly appreciated.


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Jackie_Blue
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Reged: 10/26/00
Posts: 2028
Re: Aids in the American Family new
      #162826 - 10/26/05 06:32 PM

You are going through a rough time. No doubt.

First things, first. Just because he has HIV, doesn't give him license to deal with you in a less than forth right way.

To be honest, it sounds as if he has made his choice. Perhaps it's due to dementia, but perhaps he's got stuff he's dealing with that is causing him to cut old ties.

I'm not saying that everything will work out....well it will, just maybe not the way you think it will....It may be time for both of you to explore other options. But you need to look out for yourself. He may be ill, but his health is his responsiblity, not yours. He's made that point very clear to you. Lliving your life based on how it may affect him is not fair to you.

My husband tested positive in 1989.. He was dx'd with AIDS in 1996. He has some dementia, which translates to him calling me at work and then forgetting why he called me. But he's healthy as am I. HIV is not even used as an excuse for a headache in this household. We both may be living with it, but we aren't ruled by it and neither is your husband.

You say what you gotta say and do what you gotta do. This isn't a health issue. It's a legal issue. As hard as it may be...emotions and legal issues don't mix.

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Anonymous
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Re: Aids in the American Family new
      #162963 - 10/29/05 11:33 PM

It appears that most HIV/AIDS patients chose to believe that they have a disease which is controllable. After speaking with and learning from many educated professionals it should be known by patients and caregivers alike that AIDS attacks the brain, not just effects the brain.

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