Advertisement
The Body: The Complete HIV/AIDS Resource
Follow Us Follow Us on Facebook Follow Us on Twitter Download Our App
Professionals >> Visit The Body PROThe Body en Espanol

Family and Friends >> My Loved One Has HIV/AIDS

Pages: 1
FLYEAGLE
Member

Reged: 06/27/05
Posts: 11
Loc: PA
Very empty inside
      #156589 - 06/27/05 12:44 AM

Hi All, just needed to let some feelings out, if this HIV don't kill me first my feelings will. I was just diagnosed positive about a month and a half ago, I have been in a relationship with my fiance' for almost two years, her test came back negative which (and i am thankful for) i don't understand how though if we have been having unprotected sex since day 1. Since finding out we have not had NO form of intimacy at all, If i did not give her a kiss i don't think there would be even that. I MISS HER SO MUCH I FEEL TOTALLY EMPTY INSIDE I KNOW SEX IS WHAT GOT US IN THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE. AM I WRONG FOR STILL WANTING HER, NEEDING HER, LUSTING FOR HER IN A INTIMATE WAY? SHE SAY'S THE THOUGHT MAKES HER SICK TO HER STOMACHE, I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO "US". I AM THE SAME PERSON I ALWAYS WAS. I AM AFRAID THAT IF HER TESTS IN 6 MONTHS COME BACK NEGATIVE AGAIN SHE WILL LEAVE ME FOR SOMEONE THAT CAN GIVE HER WHAT SHE DESIRES .....A BABY. SHE SAY'S SHE LOVES ME AND THAT "WE" WILL DO THIS TOGETHER BUT I DON'T KNOW, I AM SO EMPTY INSIDE LIKE SOMEONE RIPPED EVERY PIECE OF ME OUT. SO NOT ONLY AM I CONFUSED ABOUT ALL THIS HIV TALK BUT I AM VERY VERY LONELY. I TELL HER I MISS HER AT LEAST TWICE A DAY SO SHE KNOWS I STILL NEED HER AND WANT HER. OK MAYBE I'M RAMBLING ON I AM SORRY I JUST NEEDED TO LET OUT SOME HURTING FEELINGS. SHE DON'T KNOW BUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT I GO IN OUR BATHROOM AND CRY IT JUST HURTS. I FEEL VERY GUILTY THIS IS ALL MY FAULT, I NEVER DID DRUGS,NEVER SLEPT WITH A MAN, I AM AN ALL AROUND DECENT HARDWORKING GUY WHO SLEPT WITH A FEW WOMEN AND BANG MY WHOLE DREAM WORLD I HAVE BEEN LIVING IN SINCE WE GOT TOGETHER HAS TURNED INTO A DEEP DARK HOLE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO JUST FEEL LIKE I WANNA DIE NOW. SORRY FOR RAMBLING ON THANKS FOR LISTENING.

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Very empty inside new
      #156614 - 06/27/05 06:10 PM

If you feel like you want to die, you need to go seek help right now. Call a loved one to come pick you up and get some help right away. If you do not have someone, go see your doctor or go to the ER if you have to. You need a support system right now for times when you feel this way. You need a plan to take care of yourself.
Okay, so you just got kicked in the gut with your test results. This news is still very new. You are seeking help here and that is a great sign that you have what it takes to get through the tough times. You should feel proud of yourself. It sounds like your girlfriend is scared. You both need some time. It is important to talk. Don't stop talking to her about how you feel and listening to how she feels. I am sure it is hard to hear that sleeping with you makes her sick to her stomach. But it really is good that she is able to tell you how she feels. She is still there and she has tested negative. She loves you and you are in it together- that is awesome! You said you want to go back to "us". With time the two of you could be a stronger and better "us".
Now, I have to say this. You need to find a rock. Someone who loves you no matter what. A person who is 100% on your side through thick and thin. Your girlfriend sounds sweet but she is not my first choice for you. You need an army of love and care right now. My sister leads my army and I do hers. Do you have a sister, brother, best friend? A parent can fill that role at times. But it has to be someone you can cry with and spill your heart out to. I don't want you to put everything you have into this girl's hands. Please don't do that. She sounds sweet but not rock material right now.
Do you believe in God? If not, now is the best time to start a relationship with Him. He loves you more than anyone else can. He will help you if you let Him. I know right now you feel alone and everything sucks. When the dust settles you are going to realize that there is much love and many blessings in your life. Even the HIV virus can not wipe them out. Don't hate it more than you love yourself and your life.
I want you to wrap your arms around your sholders and give yourself a big hug from me......I mean it....do it right now.
I'm always here if you need me.
AJ
ajones272@sbcglobal.net

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
river
Expert

Reged: 03/05/05
Posts: 107
Re: Very empty inside new
      #156685 - 06/29/05 07:58 PM

Hey there my friend.

My heart goes out to you and your girlfriend. And I wouldn't give up on her because some says shes too weak for you to lean on. Thats an unfair judgement considering we haven't heard from her fingers her thoughts feelings and fears. This whole thing is very scary at first and its natural behavior for the beginning stage of being given this news. But listen my friend your life does not end now. In a crazy way its the beginning of a new way of seeing life begin. Of course shes scared . so are you and its understandable. One goes through different stages as one lives with this illness. But believe it or not the are other illnesses that are much worse. Why do you think vows are made with " through sickness and in health" . You didn't give your or your girlfriends age but I'm guessing your both young with alot to learn and this doesn't make it any easier. You need to seek a support group. together. You both need to learn about this illness which is manageable. There are worse things than aids/hiv. This can be controled unlike MS. scerladerm( where ones body in and out turns into stonelike matter) You both need to do some soul searching. If you or your girlfriend would like to talk privately you can both reach me at flogeo@comcast.net I've been pos for going on almost 20 years and on meds for over 10 yrs.You and your gal can get through this. But if she can't you my friend must move on and find the one that willPlease let me know how you both are doing. I will keep you in my prayers. Yes like stated from another this illness has my relationship with God begin and will continue till I meet Him face to face. But till that day comes Im am living and I reach out to many that are struggling with life whether well or sick. So chin up my friend . Suit up for battle but know that the battle has already been won for you.....Flo aka river

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1


What's New at TheBody.com

Additional Information
0 registered and 1 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  TheBody, bogart, crabman, riverprincess 

Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is enabled
      UBBCode is enabled

Thread views: 4357

 
Jump to

Contact Us | Privacy Statement The Body

*
UBB.threads™ 6.2.3

Advertisement