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Cristo
Newbie

Reged: 05/01/05
Posts: 3
He tells me...after six months.
      #141396 - 05/01/05 02:43 PM

Hello all,
This is my first post, and until two days ago, I never even knew this website existed or that I would have a reason to come here. I have been dating a 29 year old man (I am 28) for the past six months and two days ago he told me that he tested positive and year and a half ago. I know that I should be angrier than I am, but the truth is, I'm not really that angry. I am more frightened than anything else. Although we've always practiced safe sex, there have been many times when the condoms have broken. Fortunately, we both realized it and new condoms were used. But, condoms are not 100% safe, and being gay men, my boyfriend and I have had a lot of unsafe oral sex.

I never actually thought that my boyfriend was the kind of person that would or could do something like this to someone. While I am able to understand the fear of rejection and the possibility that telling the wrong person could mean everyone knowing, I cannot understand why he would put me at risk. I moved in with my boyfriend two weeks ago, and I cannot help but feel that he purposely waited - until he knew I loved him, after I moved in with him, and after six months of having sex with me - before telling me. I asked him last night why he didn't tell me in the beginning and he said that he didn't know. He said that the longer he waited to tell me, the harder it became to actually do so. What angers me the most is the fact that most of his friends know - friends that I have spent a great deal of time with - and none of them tried to tell me, while only two of them continuously urged him to be honest with me. I know that it wasn't their responsibility to tell me, but they knew that he continued to put me at risk, and no one said anything to me. I guess it angers me because had he have been honest in the beginning I know that I wouldn't have left him.

So, now I have to make a very critical decision - a decision that has loomed overhead for the past two days. Should I stay or should I go? I know in my heart that I am in love with this man, but the fact that he's deceived me and possilby exposed me to the virus constantly consume my thoughts. I keep thinking that if he told me he had cancer or some other life-threatening illness, that I'd never leave him, and his HIV status isn't a deciding factor. I just cannot get over the fact that he would lie to me for so long. But, as hurt as I am, I still cannot imagine leaving him. I know that he loves me, and I'm sure that the more his love for me grew, the harder it was for him to keep this secret. I think back to two or three months ago and I realize that there were times when he almost told me. I try to imagine being positive and how frightening it would be to finally meet someone that I really cared about, and having to tell them. I cannot say that I would've handeled the situation any differently than my boyfriend did, because as far as I know, I am still negative. However, I don't think that I would've waited for six months.

I did take the time to read a lot of threads and while many of them were helpful, only a few related to my situation. So I guess the reason I decided to post is this... I know that love between a positive and negative person is possible. I know that there are many happy +/- couples in this world. I know that if my boyfriend was honest from the beginning I'd still be here. I know that love is hard to find and when we find it we should hold on to it as tightly as possible. I know that far-too-often people give up too easily and let a good thing go, but I also know that he lied to me. I need your advice, guys.

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river
Expert

Reged: 03/05/05
Posts: 107
Re: He tells me...after six months.
      #141397 - 05/01/05 03:00 PM

Hello,
So sorry about how you found out. All I can say is from a womans perspective but theres still the same theme. You see many woman have been infected by a man that they trusted also.. And it's like someone just knocked the wind out of you , only this someone was more than just anyone. And all I can think of to tell you is to follow your heart. This could be a stepping stone either for or against the relationship. And if you accept then you must not use it as a weapon when you want to use it to lash out and hurt. So your decision has to come from deep within you and then kept there . It's not going to be easy but thats because relationships aren't always easy . My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: He tells me...after six months.
      #141573 - 05/02/05 02:19 PM

hi just wanted to say that i understand what you are going through....i am a private person so i would rather not tell the whole story here for all eyes, but if there is a way to privately correspond i would be open...any ideas?

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Cristo
Newbie

Reged: 05/01/05
Posts: 3
Re: He tells me...after six months.
      #141726 - 05/02/05 05:00 PM

Hi Anonymous,
You can reach me via email using papo_cristo@yahoo.com.
I aniticapte hearing from you.

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RobbyD
Member

Reged: 04/23/05
Posts: 13
Loc: Ft Lauderdale, Florida
Re: He tells me...after six months. new
      #141880 - 05/03/05 01:50 AM

Hello,

I just wanted to point out a couple of things to you, as you've stated you can tell that reading the through some of the post etc, there are many +/- people out there. I am just unclear on one thing.

You state that your boyfriend lied to you? - Yet it wasn't clear to me whether HIV was something that the both of you discussed. (Its crappy don't get me wrong) but if it wasn't discussed then he didn't actually LIE to you.

Putting you at risk? well I'd say that if you used condoms and immediately replaced any (mishaps - Broken ones) he wasn't putting you at risk, the oral sex is another issue, there is a HUGE CONSENUS of people who will tell you that you can't get HIV from oral sex, unless you have cavities or sores inside your mouth, I don't believe this one to be true being as I tested positive and the only thing I had done with my partner that was "unsafe" was to (excuse me for being so blunt) swallow. Then again I was tested at a time in my life when I hadn't had any sexual activity in about 8 1/2 years (yeah i know pathetic huh) and all the sudden tested positive. I say that because I had been tested a couple of times at the very end of our relationship and once after our relationship. I was told that is extremely RARE that people usually will test positive within 6 months after their exposure. GO FIGURE.

I can understand his friends not saying anything to you, and if they were his friends and knew that he hadn't told you they wouldn't be very good friends of his if they went behind his back and said something to you. I've learned this

Love is a complicated give and take situation sometimes.

If you really love him, and you can honestly say that if he had told you from day one of your "romantic" interest with him that it wouldn't have made a difference, and if you can look at the situation and saying "well I never asked him about his status", then I would take it with a grain of salt, don't consider it a lie unless you directly asked him his HIV status and he stated that he was negative. I know it seems like a lie, but it wasn't he just hide the truth from you because he was afraid of your reaction, and understand (as you seem very intelligent and probably are already aware of this) there is HUGE STIGMA attached with this disease.

I try to disclose to everyone that I know and meet, I have been fortunate to find a partner who is negative and isn't concerned he is educated enough to know that HIV is just like cancer or diabetes, it's a lifetime illness but at the end of the day, only you can decide what you can accept or can't accept, and if he flat out lied to you I would be ANGRY, if he didn't flat out lie to you and just kept his status to himself then I'd be ANGRY with myself for not asking him if he had been tested, when and the outcome.

I don't know if that helps you any or not, but from everything I read, it sounds to me as if you really love him, and it sounds to me from what you've said that he really does love you, so get on with it, let it go and not let it consume your thoughts the negative way it has, BE HAPPY, you just moved in with him. Enjoy the many happy years that the two of you should have together. Just get as educated as you can about HIV, and become ACTIVE in his medical treatment.

If you want you can always write me, check out the site below in my signature and you'll find my email address there.

Rob

--------------------
Check out my site!!!
http://postransitions.tripod.com

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jorgeb
Newbie

Reged: 05/04/05
Posts: 1
Loc: Santa Cruz, California, USA
Re: He tells me...after six months.
      #143160 - 05/04/05 07:33 PM

Hello Cristo,

I tried writing to your hotmail account - papi_cristo@hotmail.com right? But it came back as a failure daemon. Anyway, I went ahead and cut and paste it to this post. Now I am a registered member of this website because of this whole experience. Anyway, I hope you write back or call me.

The following is the original e-mail I sent to your hotmail account.

Hello Cristo,

I would like to talk with you in person - on the phone. I dislike
writing long e-mails. It is much easier for me to communicate by talking.

Anyway, I just feel that it is so serindipitous (spelling?) that it was my first time going on to this website and the first thing I read is this post from you. I too am in a relationship where he is + and I am - and he did not tell me until we were together for 3 months. Ouch! I was so hurt & confused & scared. We too had been safe, but there was a problem with the protection one time. Anyway, I am still negative one year and three months later. We are together and very happy, but that is my situation without much detail. If we talk, we can get more involved.

By the way, I am not the anonymous person on The Body website bulletin board, but reading your post reply to that person is how I got your e-mail. Hope that's okay. Please call me or give me your phone number so I can call you. I have a cell phone # (831) 295-6969 with lots of minutes and no long distance or roaming charges - so I can call you or you can call me first & I can call you right back if you are worried about long distance charges.

Also, I am an HIV/AIDS Bilingual/Bicultural Services Case Manager at Santa Cruz AIDS Project. You can look at our website www.scapsite.org & my office number is (831) 427-3900 x219.

Take Care,
Jorge Bru


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: He tells me...after six months.
      #143366 - 05/05/05 10:33 AM

I can certainly relate to your situation. The anger and fear. I myself was in a relationship that lasted 1 year with an HIV+ man. Like you, my ex partner decieved me about his status. He was HIV+ for almost 22 years. I also faced the same situation you are in now. I loved him, do I leave or do I stay?

I wasn't as lucky as you. On January 4, 2005 I found evidence that he was HIV+. (He never got the chance to tell me, I found out for myself) I imediately went to the doctors and had a Viral Load test run and was immediately placed on a nPEP regimant (It is a post exposure drug regiment). Two weeks later I found indeed I was exposed to the HIV virus and I am now HIV+.

In my situation I chose not to stay with him for other factors. We tried to keep our relationship together but it was to difficult becuase the mechanics of the relationship had to change to maintain both of our health. I miss him alot, but at the same time I am extremely angry with him for decieving me and passing the HIV virus to someone he was suppose to love.

In my mind I went though all the justifications that you have gone though. I don't think that understanding how or why someone can do something to a person they love is by any means acceptance or forgiveness. You don't do that to someone you love, actually you don't take that choice away from anyone, love will be the strongest when it is honest from day one.

Now I am in the same the one that has to tell each person that I date that I am HIV+ and allow them to make their own choices. I will easily admitt, there are more rejections then acceptance. This does not stop me, I know how it feels now from both ends of the situation. To me that situation is the ultimate betrail that anyone can do. They deceive you for your love and at the same time they put your life in danger. They subject you to the same as what they are trying to hide.

After reading everything that you have wrote, I noticed that your love is very strong for this man, and I am sure that if you set aside this he is a very good person. My advice to you is if you want to continue your relationship seek knowledge of HIV and lifestyle. Understand his health, him trying to keep you may avoid watching his own health and doing what needs to be done. (This is very very common among +/- relationships). Seek counseling, your hurt and anger will not go away on its own and if you dont come to piece with it and him the relationship will not survive. Most important seek help for your own, there is up to a 6 month window before you can test positive for HIV (I know from my first viral load test to the first time I tested HIV+ on an antibody test was 4 months). Please practice safe sex, If you are not HIV+ now you don't want to get it, trust me I don't want to be HIV+ and if i had the ability to turn back time I would have never taken the condom off that day.

Just so you know, the first and only time we had unprotected sex was January 4, 2005, the morning before I found out his status. January 4 is also my birthday.........

If you would like someone to talk to please feel free to contact me at any time at JohnDube76@yahoo.com. I know how it feels to be at both ends of your situation. I turned 29 years old on that day also.

Jonnie

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MidwestGuy
Unregistered

Re: He tells me...after six months. new
      #143369 - 05/05/05 12:45 PM

I agree with every response to date, especially "River." I've also been in 2 relationships where we were tested together, and we found out that I was negative and my partner was positive. (First when I was 21, then when I was 31.) I wanted to stay with the respective partners both times because I thought our love would see us through it, and both times my partners pushed me away because of they didn't want to put me at risk; they didn't want to have to manage a relationship with a negative partner; they needed time to process the news; they wanted to have sex with other poz guys; and a whole host lot of other, understandable reasons.

Why understandable? Because, I found out I was poz 6 mos. ago. Now, I am the one that needs to process, pushing prospective partners away, and seeking other poz guys for sex, for guidance, for models of "hope." I often feel like I don't want to tell someone because I don't want to put my business out there for every man I meet--especially since I, like so many others, seem to only be able to keep a relationship going somewhere between one night and one year. What if, after its all over, the neg. person tells their friends, their family, their colleagues? What if he hates me? What if I'd waited to tell (or even lied)? What if I'd told him in the first 24 hrs vs. 1 week, vs. 1 year? Does it really make a difference? Will love really conquer all? Can I stand it if my life gets any more shattered all because I'm poz? And hey, this is ALL in one's mind the very second that your eyes meet with someone you're interested in--and the concerns grow quickly for every second/minute/hour/day/week/month that HIV status does not get discussed. So, 6 mos. out, I live in constant fear for myself and what the future holds for me; will I ever find love again; and how many times must I tell new prospects before I finally meet my soulmate--neg. or poz.

I'm learning that there is no perfect time to tell, that the poz person fears the absolute worst response under those kind of circumstances, and weighs a lot before entering into such a conversation. I'm learning that tons of people NEVER tell--and tons of people ALWAYS tell. I'm learning to appreciate when someone tells me; and learning to overcome my own fears, frustrations, concerns, about when I tell someone else. I'm learning that despite overwhelming concerns about me, that I have an obligation to others (moral or otherwise) to share my status and let the chips fall where they may. And that if its for the worst, oh well. And if its for the best, let's move on with the business of trying to make it work. I'm learning that each person has a responsibility to be safe--regardless as to their HIV status. I'm learning that rejection is a bitch. I'm learning that even when the response is "acceptance," that I'm not necessarily ready to manage a magnetic (+/-) relationship. I'm learning that now I'm concerned about entering a relp. with someone else who's poz because relationships are tough enough without have to co-manage our HIV and all of the things that change once the cat is out of the bag.

I hope that you will be careful and healthy, regardless as to the decision that you make and your HIV status. I hope that you will try to empathize with why he didn't tell you up front. I think you have a lot to think about, and that only time, your intuition, and your heart can inform your decision as to whether or not to stay or go. No one can tell you what to do, and I think you probably already have a sense of what you want for yourself, what you can and cannot live with, and ultimately, what what you want for you...today and in the future. Finally, I absolutely understand your anger and your concerns about your own health, but I hope that despite my rampling in this post, that I've somehow given you some insights and/or helped you in some way. All the best and good luck with your decision!
MidwestGuy (First post)


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MidwestGuy
Newbie

Reged: 05/05/05
Posts: 1
Re: He tells me...after six months.
      #143370 - 05/05/05 01:01 PM

[Re-posting after registering as a user so I can receive replies]
I agree with every response to date, especially "River." I've also been in 2 relationships where we were tested together, and we found out that I was negative and my partner was positive. (First when I was 21, then when I was 31.) I wanted to stay with the respective partners both times because I thought our love would see us through it, and both times my partners pushed me away because of they didn't want to put me at risk; they didn't want to have to manage a relationship with a negative partner; they needed time to process the news; they wanted to have sex with other poz guys; and a whole host lot of other, understandable reasons.

Why understandable? Because, I found out I was poz 6 mos. ago. Now, I am the one that needs to process, pushing prospective partners away, and seeking other poz guys for sex, for guidance, for models of "hope." I often feel like I don't want to tell someone because I don't want to put my business out there for every man I meet--especially since I, like so many others, seem to only be able to keep a relationship going somewhere between one night and one year. What if, after its all over, the neg. person tells their friends, their family, their colleagues? What if he hates me? What if I'd waited to tell (or even lied)? What if I'd told him in the first 24 hrs vs. 1 week, vs. 1 year? Does it really make a difference? Will love really conquer all? Can I stand it if my life gets any more shattered all because I'm poz? And hey, this is ALL in one's mind the very second that your eyes meet with someone you're interested in--and the concerns grow quickly for every second/minute/hour/day/week/month that HIV status does not get discussed. So, 6 mos. out, I live in constant fear for myself and what the future holds for me; will I ever find love again; and how many times must I tell new prospects before I finally meet my soulmate--neg. or poz.

I'm learning that there is no perfect time to tell, that the poz person fears the absolute worst response under those kind of circumstances, and weighs a lot before entering into such a conversation. I'm learning that tons of people NEVER tell--and tons of people ALWAYS tell. I'm learning to appreciate when someone tells me; and learning to overcome my own fears, frustrations, concerns, about when I tell someone else. I'm learning that despite overwhelming concerns about me, that I have an obligation to others (moral or otherwise) to share my status and let the chips fall where they may. And that if its for the worst, oh well. And if its for the best, let's move on with the business of trying to make it work. I'm learning that each person has a responsibility to be safe--regardless as to their HIV status. I'm learning that rejection is a bitch. I'm learning that even when the response is "acceptance," that I'm not necessarily ready to manage a magnetic (+/-) relationship. I'm learning that now I'm concerned about entering a relp. with someone else who's poz because relationships are tough enough without have to co-manage our HIV and all of the things that change once the cat is out of the bag.

I hope that you will be careful and healthy, regardless as to the decision that you make and your HIV status. I hope that you will try to empathize with why he didn't tell you up front. I think you have a lot to think about, and that only time, your intuition, and your heart can inform your decision as to whether or not to stay or go. No one can tell you what to do, and I think you probably already have a sense of what you want for yourself, what you can and cannot live with, and ultimately, what what you want for you...today and in the future. Finally, I absolutely understand your anger and your concerns about your own health, but I hope that despite my rampling in this post, that I've somehow given you some insights and/or helped you in some way. All the best and good luck with your decision!
MidwestGuy (First post)

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: He tells me...after six months. new
      #143608 - 05/05/05 03:31 PM

I can only speak from past experiences and a woman's point of view. But I too trusted and loved someone that was + and didn't tell me at all I had to find out for myself by testing postive. We say a lot of things when we are hurt, but the truth of the matter is until you are actually in these shoes can you really understand and feel what your boyfriends decisions were whether right or wrong. It's horrible thinking that you may die alone and that no one will love you if you tell and like you said you don't always know who is the right person to tell or when the right time is but with prayer and a lot of it you will make the decision that is best for you and you alone. You can't think about how he will feel about your decision but only will you be able to live with your decision. In the grand scheme of things the ultimate decision is yours and yours alone. I wish you all the best. Take of yourself.

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GRAY8872
Unregistered

Re: He tells me...after six months.
      #143671 - 05/05/05 03:50 PM

I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband did not tell me that his former girlfriend of 12 years died from AIDS and that he was HIV positive until two and a half years into our relationship. When I found out that he knew that he was positive, we were married. I keep saying the same thing when I hear of situations like ours. It is not the disease that is the problem, it is the silence. People need to understand that silence will and can kill the one you love. When I finally found out the truth, I was so devastated that I ended up diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, panic attacks, anxiety disorder and in therapy once a week for 8 months. I chose to stay with my husband but we still have our problems to this very day and we have been married for 3 years this October.
I still have fits of rage and we are currently in marriage counseling. This was a hurt that will never heal in my opinion. I can not forgive it or forget it. I hope that the love I feel for him can help me to overcome it one day. I truly sympathize with your decision. It will not be an easy one.
If at anytime you need someone to talk to, vent to or have any questions, please do not hesitate to email me @ gray8872@aol.com. I know it can be tough and at some point you will need to talk to someone. If you find that you need an ear the line is always open.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: He tells me...after six months. new
      #143827 - 05/05/05 09:40 PM

I have been seeing a younger man for a while, and he had me over for dinner and I asumed we were going to spend the night togeather and have sex for the first time. I had wanted to tell him earlier but could not get up the nerve. I had to tell him that night it was the most dificult thing I have ever had to do. He is the first person that I have had any emotional feelings for since my Hiv +status. He did not take it well we are still friends but no more. I did what I had to do though. I did do the right thing if I had not told him I do not think I could live with that

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cillicp
Unregistered

Re: He tells me...after six months. new
      #143834 - 05/06/05 05:21 AM

Cristo
I read your e-mail. I also read the wonderful feedback you received from other people who were in your shoes before. I am writing from Pretoria in South Africa and all I can say is that I will carry you in my thoughts and prayers.
Christo

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: He tells me...after six months.
      #143843 - 05/06/05 01:15 PM

thank you very much, I hope that you, regardless of the outcome, find nothing but happyness and peace.

Jonnie

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stefsorg
Unregistered

Re: He tells me...after six months. new
      #143844 - 05/06/05 01:40 PM

I am in a +/- marriage. I didn't infect him because both of us were condom users except for an occasional slip, this saved him but before dating him 6 yrs ago infected me. I had no idea i put myself at risk for almost 4 yrs. It was 3 months before our wedding i came down with shingles while moving and taking midterms. Doc thought it was stress related, i was worried, that's me. Well here we are 2 yrs later and still in love. I married my bestfriend and partner for life. I am optimistic that i don't have to shrival away and die with this disease. This disease isn't good but truely can be controlled in those diagnosised with many treatment options. You have to want to live and be honest with your partner to make it work. I have never once said in the last two yrs, honey i can't work or i can't do the dishes, cus i can now and that's what's important. It can work, but you can't live or your partner by this disease. Protect your partner, stay healthy, seek counciling if needed, take your pills, make goals and get on with life, there's no turning back now so make the best of what you have. I carry guilt for putting this bug into my marriage i should have been tested yrs ago but i didn't fit the mold i guess so every time i mentioned it my doc said oh i don't think you have anything to worry about, your a student, in a long term relationship, sometimes were misled but we have to take responsibility for our actions. Just wanted to let you know that's it doesn't have to be the end of the world but it takes a lot of honest open communication to make it work.

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