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afraid for kids
Unregistered

dad is hiv+
      #139590 - 04/03/05 09:51 AM

Hello

My dad just sent me a letter last year to let me know he is hiv+ and has been for 3 years now. I understand why it took so long to send the letter, but why a letter? Why not tell me face to face? I opened the letter on the way to my mother's house one day and had absolutely no idea how to respond. I called him and asked a few questions, but I still occasionally would like to ask how everything's going--he doesn't seem to want to talk about it at all. His partner is very outspoken about things and I could ask him, but I don't think that's right.

Dad and I have never been close (since my parents divorce) and I would like to get closer, but he seems to be pulling more away since he found out. Any ideas how to get him to open up and become more a part of our lives?

My mother is very wary of how close I let my kids get-afraid for the children's sake. Being a health professional, I know better, but it still petrifies me. They're both under the age of 3 and I would hate for either of them to contract HIV and have to live with it the rest of their lives. My dad's been asking me to let my son have a sleepover at his house, but I've been putting it off. The fear seems to be taking over and I don't want it to. Any ideas on how to approach this?






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Tscotty
Member

Reged: 03/26/05
Posts: 13
Re: dad is hiv+ new
      #139610 - 04/03/05 06:47 PM

Please take the step and tell your dad just what you posted.
HIV and all the fears that go along with it are hard for everybody. He needs to know from you how you feel and this will only make you feel better. As far as the letter vs face to face, well he may feel ashamed and not prepared for your reaction.
You guys are lucky in the sense that you are even in each others lives.
The HIV epidemic has divided families. My child will be an adult soon and I have often thought about how this would be revealed to him. Right now it wouldn't make sense because I am otherwise healthy and can take care of myself. I would view his knowing at this time a great burden to him.
Maybe your dad needs your support as much as you need his.
You two can probably get through your issues together once you start talking face to face.
Don't stress too much about the kids contracting HIV just from a sleepover. Your reservations may have something to do with more than just the HIV. Can you sleep over too? The kids are really young ,and although I don't know your dad, being away from mommy at that age will be tough on them and possibly unbearable for him.
I speak from experience.
Your dad is fortunate to have a child who obviously loves him unconditionally - you are a blessing!
I hope some of this helps you.

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river
Expert

Reged: 03/05/05
Posts: 107
Re: dad is hiv+ new
      #139689 - 04/05/05 05:17 PM

Wow, How very sad. And I don't mean the aids part. You see I too have been pos for 11 yrs now. And I'm not trying to belittle the illness but there are things much more devastating. The sad part is you and your mom being afraid to let his grandchilden get to know him. You said your in health care and you know that transmission isn't all that easy, but your still afraid. How do you expect your relationship to grow with your father.Too many times children are sheltered and its not always for the kids sake. And there is nothing wrong with talking to his partner. If you want to be apart of his life then just do it. How do you think it makes him feel. I don't mean to sound harsh but I have no doubt that you know the answers to your questions. Your son could be a big part of Gods plan for you to grow with your dad. Please stay in touch hon. I will be praying for you. You can reach me at flogeo@comcast.net
From someone who cares....FLO

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Similar Situation new
      #139703 - 04/05/05 09:45 PM

Hello,

I have two kids, one four and the other one years old. Only my ex husband is the one with hiv. I just found out a year and half ago. I know better or should I say have read and consulted with doctors etc. But the fear overides it. I can not let my kids go with him unsupervised. I don't know if I ever will be able to. To make matters worse, I read on a hiv forum everyday about people who have it. Lately, so many people are coming onto the site saying they just got it. A couple of them from being with a partner who was positive and one always practiced safe sex and has no idea how they got it and the other a blood accident. Another man states it was through a hospital. So to me that says, maybe it is spread more easily than we think. Anyway, if you want to talk privately, my e-mal is betlonger@yahoo.com or reply back. But I do know how you feel....

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river
Expert

Reged: 03/05/05
Posts: 107
Re: Similar Situation new
      #140117 - 04/14/05 05:53 PM

Hello,
read your message in the body and the similarities with daddyslittlegirl. I'm sorry to hear about your ex . But believe me its not that easy to catch. The situations that you heard about I'm sure theres more to it. You don't think your ex would do anything to harm them. Do you think they wonder why they can't see daddy by themselves.Children become very resentful when they don't understand. If you want to talk private I'm at flogeo@comcast.net I will keep you and yours in prayer

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Similar Situation new
      #140143 - 04/15/05 07:51 AM

No, I don't think they wonder. They are only 4 and one year's old. Plus everything we do, we do all together, the four of us, so I think it makes them happier to see us together and happy. We are friends. I think by the time they will want to go with him alone, I will have had enough time under my belt to adjust and see that there is no risk after all these years. I am praying so. Plus, when he is on meds, the risk should be zero, right?

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debtex
Legend

Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
Re: Similar Situation new
      #140167 - 04/15/05 05:36 PM

Hi, How are you> I remember talking with you not long ago. I know it is scary for you right now. Your ex must have found out not long ago, right. This is still a very early stage in the process of adjusting to hiv. especially if you want to learn more. It is great that you spend time with him and the kids this way as time goes by...you will see how life CAN get back to normal again. Are there other reservations about your not wanting him to spend time alone with the kids, or is it just the hiv. I mean...has he done drugs in the past, or drink, or has his mentality been something you wouldn't be comfortable to have the kids around him alone. Have you allowed him to take the kids alone in the past "unsupervised"? Because if you have, then they are still THAT SAFE. My son is 13 years old. and since he was ONE year old... we have still done everything together.
There may be people who say, they don't know How they got it, but still almost 25 years later...there are only 3 ways of getting it. Sex, Drugs, and mother to child (but even nowadays, mother to child, is only when the mother does NOT know and does not take meds). Yes there are blood accidents, and how can you avoid that. If your a nurse, and you do blood for a patient, but you get stuck with the needle, that is still live blood (becuase it doesn't hit the air, so doesn't have a chance to die). Please talk to me if you are scared. I would hate to see your children (and yourself) go without the parents that they need and deserve, because of a fear that will never happen. Good luck and God Bless.

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