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Anonymous
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My girlfriend just tol me she is positive.
      #139355 - 03/29/05 07:47 AM

My girlfriend of 3 months has just told me she is hiv positive. She said she didn't want to lose me so that is why she didn't tell me earlier. Now thinking back she always insisted that I wear a condom. I am really angry that she didn't tell me but have a lot of ambivolence about the situation. I feel she put me at risk without letting me make the decision myself. The only contact I have had with her unprotected is French Kissing and I have read that there is some risk to that. The main problem is that I am in love with this girl but I feel that I would be setting myself up for a lot of pain if I don't let go now. I know that sounds selfish but I don't want to get infected myself and also I don't know if I have the strength to watch someone I love suffer or possibly die. Has anyone else gone through this type of situation? I would appreciate your input if you did. Also how possible is it for us to have a relationship that is safe for me? After 3 months and with the betrayal I feel that I could walk away but at the same time I can understand why she didn't tell me.
Thanks,
Angry and scared

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: My girlfriend just tol me she is positive. new
      #139359 - 03/29/05 02:26 PM

This is a very difficult situation for both of you. I have been positive for three years and believe me, it is possible to maintain a healthy sexual relationship. Both of you need to educate yourself about the virus and how to protect each other. Your bouts with bad health could be just as much of a risk to her as she is to you. I am the positive in a serodiscordant relationship. We have a healthy sex life and the virus in time faded into the background. We are always on guard but we don't allow it to fog the feelings that we have for each other. If you honestly feel that you won't be able to handle the news, you should walk away now. The problem is that you don't know if you will experience this situation again. And if so, will it be someone that will tell you at all? She is being honest with you. It just takes people some time to deal with their own diagnosis before they can handle rejection from another. You are a very special, strong person to even be contemplating continuing the relationship. If you agree to stay, be there 100 percent. She will need you. If you need information, this site is great. Best wishes!

Dakotalagrange HIV+ 3 years

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: My girlfriend just tol me she is positive. new
      #139365 - 03/29/05 05:33 PM

There is no risk to french kissing. NO ONE has gotten hiv this way.

You know, life and love are unpredictable. You could fall in love with a"healthy" woman and she could be diagnosed with breast cancer and be sick for awhile and die. You could fall in love with someone who will later cheat on you and cause you great pain. You could fall in love with a healthy person and they could be in a car accident and end up handicapped. You could also be lucky and fall in love with someone who will remain healthy and you'll be happy with for a long time. It's a crapshoot. If this girl is a rare find and makes you happy in a particular way that you don't think you could duplicate, then stay with her. If lots of possible women could make you happy then move on. But it's useless to evaluate whether or not you can deal with future illness. Many people with HIV stay healthy, especially if they have the complete love and support of someone. Also put yourself in her shoes. What would you have done?

Good luck

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: My girlfriend just tol me she is positive. new
      #139382 - 03/30/05 12:45 AM

Well it seems to me that you are a very lucky man that she told you, because she protected you by using condoms, and legally that is all that is required. Of course I don't know how long you two knew each other beforehand. Educate yourself about hiv and you will find that it isn't that easy to catch. I had unprotected sex for 5 years and am still negative. Because my husband chose not to tell me. he had been positive since 1986 and only just now had symptoms. HiV is no longer a death sentence. It is more like having diabetes, etc...Not that I want to get it, but meds have improved tremendously.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: My girlfriend just tol me she is positive. new
      #139428 - 03/30/05 05:15 PM

Just to add to what others have said, it only takes someone who is + to know how hard it is to tell someone else. I found out I was positive and I was in a relationship with a guy with whom we had been friends for 7 years though we had never been sexually active with each other. When he wanted a commitment, i felt he needed to know this and I told him about it but his reaction was so bad that I don't think I ever want to be in a relationship with any one again. He was aware during our friendship years that I was faithful to the only partner I had ( who unfortunately infected me). Please put yourself in your girlfriend's position. It's not easy to tell anyone. It's the hardest part of living with this. However, if you can't live with it explain to her gently so she soesn't get hurt too badly. She needs all the support she can get.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: My girlfriend just tol me she is positive. new
      #139433 - 03/30/05 05:54 PM

I hope this one man's reaction did not scare you away from others!! There are decent, understanding people out there!

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pozchickNYC
Unregistered

Re: My girlfriend just tol me she is positive. new
      #139438 - 03/30/05 07:53 PM

hi, friend-

i can imagine that you feel betrayed and fearful, shocked, wonder how you can ever trust her and what is really real in your relationship. not to mention worried about her, angry, waiting for your own test results etc.

the first thing to know and to thank her for is that she has protected you. you cannot get HIV from french kissing even if you swallow a cup of saliva.

the second thing is that YOU need to find someone to talk to. a friend you trust, a therapist. preferably both.

i have been where your girlfriend is: almost two years ago i fell in love with someone. it was my first relationship since the diagnosis and i didn't know how to tell him. i was afraid to lose him, i also just wasn't really ready to talk about it or deal with it in general - even with close friends - and he was someone i hardly knew. after a few weeks we started sleeping together. i made sure we were always protected but i didn't tell him for a month. telling him is still the hardest thing i have ever done in my life.

it's a year and a half later and we are still together. there have been ups and downs. it's been difficult. we had to deal with, and still deal with: trust issues, anger, fear, mortality. we mostly try to stay in the present moment and just deal with things as they come up. i am thankful for his openness and i love him more than ever.

i have some regrets about the way i dealt with it but it's the reality of where i was at the time.

whatever you decide to do about the situation you're in, don't be hasty... take some time, do the research, think about what's important to you. love is special and rare. you can stay negative. treatment is getting better and better and most doctors think HIVers can live a normal life now - live a long time, have children, stay healthy, etc.

if you want to - email me directly at: zgrikas@yahoo.com. i can also try to put you in touch with my partner if you want. he is 29. i am 28.

good luck, stay strong. i send you love and support.

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debtex
Legend

Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
Re: My girlfriend just tol me she is positive. new
      #139443 - 03/30/05 10:16 PM

Hey, I can understand your being angry and scared. But as far as angry..you already did say you understood why she did it, and scared..u have nothing to be scared of because you used a condom. I have been with my neg husband for almost 8 yrs, and we are always safe. there was alot we both didn't know whether or not it was safe, (you know different sex, or any kind of curious issues) it was always something we were willing to discover together. If you really have feeling for this girl, give her a chance....she truly trusts you as well to be sharing this with you and not just breaking it off becuase she is afraid of your rejection. (and she obviously cares, and loves you to be sure she always kept you safe). My husband has always been negative, and I got to tell you...there is quite alot you can do safely, you just have to know how.

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Annonymous
Unregistered

Re: My girlfriend just tol me she is positive. new
      #140077 - 04/14/05 03:24 AM

hi i know exacly what ur girl is going through it aint easy . iam an Hiv positive individual who tells people who wants to get involved with me that i am hi postive but it has just brought me pain all of them just leave after my disclosure .although i still have my honbesy in place not every one can hadle being rejected. i tell people beacuase i dont like secrets and sgeen that i my status is part of me and i know that u would not really know me if u dont know my status and i also have the motto that only people with balls can handle being hIv positive and being in a relationship with someone who is positive. Look at it this way if ur girl did not know her status and was not a good person u would be positive seen that she is the one who always insists on the condoms. i always say that to people that people would rather put thgeir life at risk than know the truth i say big up to ur girl and for u make up ur mind that is a good catch u have there

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: My girlfriend just tol me she is positive. new
      #140127 - 04/14/05 10:04 PM

hey
lm so sorry that your girlfriend lied to you but l know exactly what she is going through and why she did not tell you.lm a woman who is so afraid to tell my boyfriend that lm positive coz he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and lm afraid he will not understand nad he will walk out and leave me.l insist on a condom,latex condom and a make sure he is safe from me.you have no idea how it feals like to know that you have a poison flowing in your veins and at the same time you are human,you need to get love and give love.

if you love here at all,tell her that what she did was not fair and that you derev the truth and let her know you understand but you are angry and you will not leave her coz you love her.

what would you have done if she had told you when she met you.?would you really be still around if you had not gotten to know her as a person not as an hiv+woman.put yourself in her shoes.she loves you and that is the greatest power you can ever have.

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woman
Unregistered

Re: My girlfriend just tol me she is positive. new
      #140389 - 04/23/05 12:28 PM

i agree with this perception bc i always usuall y had the same problem: i thought i was my duty to tell anyone who was interested in me with a mutual feeling on my part but i realised no relation materialises after that or it just wanes off sometimes later. its not really easy for us the pressure we are under. there is even this guy who knows i am pos and claims he loves me and wants a baby with me since that can be done artificially but no mention of a serious relation or marriage.....so, is that being fair?

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maureen123
Newbie

Reged: 09/04/08
Posts: 3
Re: My girlfriend just tol me she is positive. new
      #242002 - 09/12/08 05:25 AM

Hi Angry and Scared.

When I met my boyfriend we had no idea that he was HIV+. After going out a couple of months he was tested +. I love him dearly and have stood by him through very bad times in his life. He was very depressed and would only think of suicide. We have both managed to get through this with a lot of love on both sides and a lot of patience on my side. Read more on this disease. If you love her and carry on using protected sex you and her will lead a good loving relationship. Just be glad that she insisted on you using a condem. Stand by her and give her as much support and love as you can. She is going through a lot more than what you are going through right now. My God be with you and your girlfriend. Regards Maureen 123

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