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My husband is getting better--I am so glad
      #133069 - 01/19/05 05:47 AM

My husband is up and out of bed this past week. He has AIDS-now I am hoping to get him back in HIV status. His viral load is over 100,000 and his cd4 count was under 20. Symptoms of aids wasting, almost 30 pounds in a month, and he was so sick and fatigued, itching, what looked like karposi's sarcoma on his legs the spots suddenly all over his body. I am still dealing with the fact that he had it over or around 10 years and no one in his family, not him, his sister or mom or anyone told me. we had the lawyer do his will and make me legal guardian over him and the 8 year old son of his that we got custody together when we married a year and half ago. Five years of unprotected sex is pretty scary, he also has hep b and hep c. This right after my sister committed suicide. It has been alot to handle. I am so happy that he is getting healthier, I really thought and so did he, that he was going to die. The fatigue is lessened and the wasting, the diarhea and the nausea and vomiting and all of it is leaving, along with the huge lesions --- these new medicines are wonderful and I feel very blessed, even in these difficult circumstances. In some ways I feel very honored to have been chosen, even though he was in denial of his own disease in alot of ways and afraid to tell me. I don't know how I would react if the shoe was on the other foot. So I try not to judge. I am still trying to process all of this information and the feelings that go along with it. I got a negative test for hiv, hep c and b on the quick test and I still have to be retested february 19 and again in 6 months. Somedays I think oh well this aids stuff isn't really that bad with all the new meds, more a chronic illness rather than a death sentence, I'll be alright if I've got it. Other days I feel that God knew I could handle this, therefore, he will give me the strength to deal with it. Other days I think I better take good care of me, because he certainly and his family certainly doesn't seem to care much about my well-being or my first grandbaby that will be born this June. On some days I feel very honored that he chose to spend his last time with me, and choose me to raise his child over all of his family members. That is a great honor. So he must respect me and trust me a great deal. Now that he knows me better, I guess. When I found out about AIDS he said he didn't care about himself or anyone else the first time we slept together. After a short time of what was a devil may care time for him-- he saw I was serious and then he was afraid that I'd leave him. So he just got into this thinking that since he had no symptoms that out of sight out of mind[hiv that is] The AIDS carepoint counselor told me that back in the 1990's that the denial with having hiv was basically a death sentence in the minds of people and that this type of denial was fairly common, along with people having such horrid side effects from the old meds that lots of early hiv'ers did just this same thing. I do love him, of course I care for my relative's feelings as well, and they are kindof shell-shocked. His family hasn't really shared as to why they weren't more confrontive with him or at least warn me to protect myself if he were living in this type of denial, and I am trying hard to practice forgiveness, but I have so much confusion. Maybe I need to talk to them about it to try and undrstand, so that perhaps I can forgive,because I seem to be stuck at this place. I wish they would offer the information, instead of me having to bring up such a dreadful topic. Sorry for the ambiguity, but I do have alot of emotions about the same situation. Plus I quit smoking yesterday so I'm struggling with that and helping my dead sisters teenage daughter and I have her pets. Its so much so fast. I am doing it and I am having the financial, physical ,mental, spiritual strength to do it one day at a time. I know everything is going to be alright, that he will get better, that I am sure of, I am praying for HIV status again, my family is very supportive of me and I know all of these kids love and need me. I pray I can be all of these things for them.

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Re: My husband is getting better--I am so glad new
      #133754 - 01/29/05 02:26 AM

I'm glad to hear your husband is making progess. Keep your positive thinking as it will help you and your entire family. Even when you think things are at their lowest stay strong for your family. You are the inspirational leader and don't forget that. They count on YOU.

I lost my husband approximately a year ago but under different circumstances. My huband had most of the symptoms that your husband has. However, they kept diagnosing him with bronchitis/pnuemonia. He was not aware that he had aids nor did I.

We were married 13 years and I pretty much raised his 4 children. We had just remarried a year before his death. He just started a new job and things were looking up for once. Everyone had gotten sick in the same month with coughing, fever the normal flu. His never seemed to go away. For months I watched him suffer going to work and I would beg him to stay home. He worked up until the day he went into the hospital. I had spent endless nights caring for him with fevers that would run as high as 104. Layers of comforters and an electric blanket but would just shiver uncontrollably. We just kept thinking that they antibotics would kick soon and he would be alright.

I'm sorry if I am upsetting you. I have no one too talk to regarding this situation. Very few people know what he died of. I live in very small town and didn't want our kids, myself and my late husband known for "AIDS". In fact, one of the children still doesn't know. She just can't handle information of that magnatude yet. God will let me know when she is ready.

Anyway, I took him to the hospital and they treated him with another antibiotic and then over night developed a reaction. Before I knew it they were moving him to ICU. I was terrifed. He spent exactly 2 days in our local hospital. They had to put him on a ventilator to air-vac him to a bigger facility. Looking back I wish I would have said more, held his hand more... I thought I would see and talk to him again in a few hours.

This was just the beginning of a week that changed lives of my children, his parent, my parents, whoever... We spent an entire week in the ICU waiting room. I signed so many papers for surgeries, experimental drugs and other things I have no clue about. Finally, the last day came. The doctor came to me in the waiting room and pulled me aside and said we are doing more harm than good, it's time. Keep in mind still really not knowing what he is dying of. There were about 15 people looking and waiting for me to tell them. So I pulled everyone close and explained to them that he is not going to make it. Even though it was the most devisating moment in my life I kept my strength. I had to for my children. My oldest daughter was pregnant with our first grandchild and that weighed heavily on mind.

I gave my permission to shut down the machines and they said it wouldn't be long. We waited and waited but still no word. A shift change had taken place and the doctor on the new shift was not aware of the situation. In the meantime, while waiting, the doctor who primarily took care of him called me into the conference room. I assumed to sign the paper to shut down the machines. I walk in and there are 2 other doctors sitting there. The doctor grabbed my hands and looked directly into my eyes and said your husband is dying of Aids. I just sat there with the world spinning around me yet time seemed to stand still. The doctor could never find the right time to tell me. I immediately said "You are wrong! There is no possible way he has aids! He said "were are 99.9% positive. You need to get tested before you leave this hospital." On top of my husband dying, I find out he is dying of Aids and has been unfaithful and is more than likely gay.

I left the conference room in total glaze of shock. I walked directly to the elevator where my dad was standing and he could tell I was about to pass out. He came with me outside and I totally had a breakdown. I told him my husaband was dying of aids. Panic came over my dad. The only thing I could think of was if I have it so be it, but how am I going to tell my children I have aids which their dad gave to me. How???

I have been tested twice and I Okay. The doctor informed that he had more than likely contracted in the past 2-3 years. My late husband and I had not had sex in about 4 years. I know that seems odd but it just became normal. I call it the familar strangers. I had never been unfaithful to my husband, ever!!! At times I have anger towards him because it was an uneccesary death. In a week time frame my past, present and future had all changed.

My husband died Aug.12, 2003. Since than I have met a wonderful man and I am engaged. My daughter had a baby boy born October 8, 2003, which is my late husband and my anniversary. That's a whole other story. She named him after her dad. There is alot more to this story which would take quite awhile. Things are looking brighter these days and God will never give you more than you can handle. Just remember God works in mysterious ways and he brought you two together which tells me that you are a strong, loving person to handle the situation.

If you would ever like to talk just let me know.

Sincerely Concerned.

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