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Unprotected Sex
#13010 - 11/29/00 04:01 PM
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Okay, here's a loaded subject. My partner has HIV & I don't. We use a condom during sex MOST of the time. Sometimes though, we both just want to forget he has HIV. We want the intimacy and closeness we had pre-diagnosis. It's during these times that we have unprotected sex. He doesn't ejaculate inside me, but there's still the risk.
I've read (the late) Stephen Gendin's and Hush's article from POZ and can relate completely. This is just not an issue alot of people talk about. I wondered how others were dealing with it because, well, I'm not dealing with it too well.
Thanks
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Hey,
I am in the same position you are -- my husband is HIV positive, I am negative. We met after his diagnosis, so really we never had unprotected sex. Sometimes we do take small calculated risks -- like oral sex without protection or ejaculation. However, I find it troublesome how people tend to equate unprotected sex with intimacy. Can intimacy be destroyed by a layer of latex? I don't think so. I guess I am lucky in a sense -- I didn't have to adjust to my partners seroconversion; I never had this nagging before/after comparison. And weirdly, HIV is not even that much of an issue. I dare say we both quite often forget he's HIV poz -- but use the condoms because that's what we do. I guess just because of the way relationship developed, condoms became our favorite sex toy (I know, sounds weird; but I can put one on with my mouth, and it's fun!) Intimacy took a long time to develop, and it was more about trust than anything else. I feel close and intimate knowing that I can trust him with my life, not when we fool around without a rubber. Please don't take offense to what I'm about to say -- but I saw it too many times.... when it is easier for people to call skin-to-skin contact 'intimacy', than it is to take their time to develop a kind of relationship where things like that are unimportant and well... irrelevant. Sorry to be so long-winded, but it is a very important issue you touched on. And it is something I thought about long and hard. I guess the answer lies in redefining what we call closeness and intimacy. Closeness and intimacy is something so big and wonderful! I can't believe that they can so easily be destroyed by a silly little rubber. We gave it too much power, time to take it back. Time to say, it's my love for you that matters.... it's the way I trust you'll never do anything to hurt me that make us what we are. And I'll be damned if I allow some stupid little rubber to interfere with it. Endangering the well-being of the one you love is much more devastating for intimacy than a condom could ever be. And this is not 'sour grapes' :-)
I hope I didn't offend anyone; but this is just how I feel. And thank you for starting this thread.
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If anything, my sex life with my +ve partner is the BEST I've ever had - our intimacy goes so much deeper than just penetrative sex. I agree with the other Anonymous - when you are faced with this disease, intimacy becomes all those other things - massage, mutual touching, fantasies, TALKING - sometimes we go weeks without have penetrative sex. And flavoured condoms - oh, what fun! We too have considered having sex without condoms - but can you imagine how you would feel sitting in that doctors office as they tell you you're positive? Can you imagine how your partner would feel knowing he infected you? Once you go beyond penetration, a whole new exciting world opens up - safely.
(sorry, I wish I could post my name, but I'm going as anonymous too!)
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Don't open the above link!
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Hello. I've never posted anything here before, but am finally compelled! I found your response about the unprotected sex to be wonderful. I am a straight woman with a persistent crush (a couple of years running) on a HIV+ straight young man. He was infected from a blood transfusion when we was four or five years old, so it's really all he's ever known. I really like him, but I'm also 6 years older than he (21 vs. 27), and actually find that would probably complicate things more than the HIV! I never really even thought about intimacy with a HIV+ man until I met him. When presented with the new question, I readily decided that condoms are no big deal. Kind of... I'm not sure whether it's the latex or the lubricant, but I find them to be very irritating to my skin - I become swollen and sore for almost 2 days after using one. I haven't had the need for one for a while, and never tried experimenting to see if it's just the lubricant or spermicide (which I really suspect). One friend recommended polyeurothane (sp?) condoms, but I'm not sure if they protect against HIV. It's really no big deal at this point as I feel our age difference is a bigger obstacle, like I said earlier. I did have one weird experience over the weekend, though. My friend and I drank from the same glass and were otherwise affectionate (in a friendly way, but a lot), and I thought nothing of it until today. I'm having sinus/allergy trouble (I know for a fact that's what it is) and I'm a little congested and have a scratchy throat from it. It dawned on me earlier today that if I was sick in a contagious kind of way, I could easily make him sick, too. Suddenly, I felt terrible at the notion of my carelessness. Am I over-reacting about it? How do you deal with it? I would love to hear about it, because I found your post to be very refreshing and hopeful. THANKS!
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I too worry about infecting my HIV+ boyfriend by kissing. It is weird to think that I may be a greater threat to his health than he is to mine! I do recommend the polyurethane condoms. They are equally effective, feel more natural, and are less likely to cause irritation. Spermicidal lubricants are no longer recommended; they actually increase your risk of HIV. The age difference in itself should not be a big deal, but many men that young are not ready for a long-term relationship. Good luck!
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Communicable Disease Questions for HPC Donors
Are you
1. Currently taking an antibiotic?
2. Currently taking any other medication for an infection?
Please read the Medication Deferral List.
3. Are you now taking or have you ever taken any medications on the Medication List?
4. Have you read the educational materials?
In the past 8 weeks have you
5. Had any vaccinations or other shots?
6. Had contact with someone who had a smallpox vaccination?
In the past 12 months have you
7. Been told by a healthcare professional that you have West Nile Virus infection?
8. Had a blood transfusion?
9. Come into contact with someone else’s blood?
10. Had an accidental needle-stick?
11. Had a tissue transplant or graft such as bone or skin?
12. Had sexual contact with anyone who has HIV/AIDS or has had a positive test for the HIV/AIDS virus?
13. Had sexual contact with a prostitute or anyone else who takes money or drugs or other payment for sex?
14. Had sexual contact with anyone who has ever used needles to take drugs or steroids, or anything not prescribed by their doctor?
15. Had sexual contact with anyone who has hemophilia or has used clotting factor concentrates?
16. Female donors: Had sexual contact with a male who has ever had sexual contact with another male? (Males: check “I am male.”)
17. Had sexual contact with a person who has hepatitis?
18. Lived with a person who has hepatitis?
19. Had a tattoo?
20. Had ear or body piercing?
21. Had or been treated for syphilis or gonorrhea?
22. Been in juvenile detention, lockup, jail, or prison for more than 72 hours?
In the past three years have you
23. Been outside the United States or Canada?
In the past 5 years, have you
24. Received money, drugs, or other payment for sex?
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