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My husband doesn't want to burden me
      #1113 - 03/31/00 05:22 AM

My fiance had been acting very strangely the past few weeks: doing things that he was sure would make me leave him, and ultimately running away to god knows where. He called me yesterday and told me that it was probably best that we were just friends, and that he planed on staying where he was. He plans on supporting our unborn twins (I'm 3 1/2 months pregnant) but he can't be there when they're born. I demanded to know why, and he told me that he's +. He doesn't want to "burden me" with his sickness and doesn't want me wasting my life with a man that will not be able to watch his own children grow up. He doesn't understand that he is the only man that I've ever wanted and ever will want, and he isn't going to die tomarrow. His family is as devastated as I am, but he won't tell anyone where he is, and I'm worried sick. I also fear that I(and my children) may be infected, and I don't know where to go, or what to do. I've been hysterical for the past 24 hours and this is the first coherent thing that I've done since I've heard. I need help.

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Re: My husband doesn't want to burden me new
      #1114 - 03/31/00 05:24 AM

Hi! It's hard to understand what is going on with you. Have you never been tested???If not, it's really important that you get tested--because if you are positive there are many things you can do to ensure that your babies will be negative....Anyway, it sounds like you need to take a breather. Is there anyone in your boyfriend's life who can talk to him???? There are great new drugs that can help people live a long and happy life--but he must see an HIV specialist! He must get a viral load test! He probably should see a therapist. I hope this helps....Don't panic! Write me here! Karen

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he couldn't bear to watch me watch him get sicker new
      #1115 - 03/31/00 05:26 AM

I talked with him last night, and still he won't come back. He says that of course he still loves me but he couldn't bear to watch me watch him get sicker. I have my test today, and I'm scared, I don't know what I'll do if I end up +. He told me he found out about this about 2 weeks ago, which explains the timetable for his behavior, but I don't know how to make him understand that I am with him for the long haul. No amount of time will make me "forget him and get on with my life." He honestly thinks that this is the best thing for me? To be alone, forget, and find love elsewhere? I don't care if I have to work 3 jobs, I WILL take care of him AND my babies. At this point the only people that I'm worried about being infected are my babies. I'm a nervous wreck, and coming into work hasn't been the greatest idea....none of these people would understand, and I'd probably be looked at as if I had leperousy if they knew....I don't know what I'm going to do.

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Re: My husband doesn't want to burden me new
      #1116 - 03/31/00 05:28 AM


I know what you must be going through. My parter is also affected. What is most important is that your realize that your life is of primary importance right now. Your childern will need someone. If your boyfrined is determined not to return, then he won't. I hate to put it that way but it's the truth. The best thing that you can do now is to love your childern and yourself. Your boyfriend obviously has issues and pain within himself that he must reconcile or at least come to terms with. The best thing that you can do for him is just to love him. Let him know that there are treatments available that will allow him to live a long life.

Someone once told me that love is the most powerfull force in the universe. If love is there, hope will be too. With that combination, anything is possible. If you need someone to talk to, scream at, or just someone to listen, I've included my e-mail address. Feel free to contact me. Best of luck and keep hoping.

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Best of luck with your husband new
      #1118 - 03/31/00 05:30 AM

Dear Abonanza:

First, best of luck with your test. Second, I know it's difficult, but PLEASE slow down for a moment. What's most important now is that you figure out your HIV status and, if you are positive, take care of that. There are many ways of ensuring that you and your babies are safe, and this is most important now. I'm glad you are getting tested, because if you happen to be HIV positive you will be able to get treatment immediately and this could make a world of difference to your babies. I know you are anxious about your partner, but it seems that other people also care about his whereabouts and situation - is it possible for you to let them deal with his problems for a little while until you get a chance to get your own thoughts and feelings organized?

Also, where do you live and are there any HIV/AIDS organizations or agencies nearby? Is there any way for you to find counselling for yourself soon? Please contact one of those agencies right away. I know you are worried about your partner, but I really want to emphasize that I believe it is most important at the moment that you take care of yourself and your unborn babies. This means physically, mentally and emotionally. Once you are feeling strong and calm, you will be able to deal with your partner's situation.

Regarding your partner, there are many issues involved that will need to be dealt with in the future if you decide to stay together (e.g., Did he know he had HIV before he made love to you? Did he acquire it while having a relationship with you? Is he willing to settle down and take care of himself? Is he willing to be supportive of you and the children?). So, please, please work hard to focus yourself and get the assistance you need to be strong.

My partner has HIV, we have a solid relationship, and he has always been faithful to me, yet we have had rocky times regarding his HIV status. Even at the best of times, HIV/AIDS presents some tough issues within a relationship. Your situation seems much more complicated, stressful and volatile than mine, so that's why I keep emphasizing that you need to get help for yourself immediately. Please set up a reliable support system as soon as possible. I hope you will find the strength you need.

Please keep in touch and let me know how you're doing.



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Re: Best of luck with your husband new
      #1120 - 03/31/00 05:31 AM

What ever happened? Please write back and tell us all who worry for you! Remember that if you are infected then the chance that your children will be infected is only 8% if you don't breast feed and take the proper medicaitons during delivery!

Let us know!

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