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Frustrated
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my partner is turned-off now that he's positive
      #1083 - 03/30/00 11:26 PM

Does anyone have problems with their + partner such as is (s)he
turned off by sex since finding out status? I don't know whether
my husband is afraid to have sex with me now even with a condom
or if he's just feeling like sex is what got him where he is or
what. I know he says he doesn't enjoy it as much with a condom
and won't without of course. But, it leaves me feeling unloved
and unwanted. We,ve even tried testosterone shots and nothing
helps. Any ideas?




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"s"
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Re: my partner is turned-off now that he's positive new
      #1084 - 03/30/00 11:27 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for six years now we use to have the best sex life and we thought that was what kept us together when we found out that I was HIV POSITIVE he would not touch me at all finally I told him that he wanted me before we found this out so what is the difference now and anyway it is seldom you hear that a woman has given it to a man. My boyfriend and I do not use condoms we never used them before finding out why use them now he loves me and that is what matters. I believe that so many of us blow this virus out of perportion sure it is a life threatning virus only if you let it be. I have done alot of research on this virus and it is not what people think it is you can heal yourself I have been taking vitamin C it helps to reproduce gamma interon which is what is needed to reproduce T CELLS our body does not reproduce vitamin C by it's self a healthy diet and a crystal and I believe that anyone can heal themselves. Maybe you think I am crazy but I am going to go back for my T CELL Count next month and then I will know if I am crazy or not it was at 389 but I believe that it is higher because I just was hit with the flew and a bladder infection and I am fine no problems at all and most people with HIV have some kind of problem. A positive attitude and not thinking about it all the time can turn your sex life completly around believe me i have done it my boyfriend and I are like new lovers again.
GOOD LUCK
AND REMEMBER YOU CAN FIGHT THIS DISESASE AND TELL YOUR HUSBAND TO STOP THINKING OF HIMSELF AND START THINKING OF YOUR FEELINGS TOO.
Love and PRAYERS
MICHELLE




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"s"
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Dear Frustrated... new
      #1085 - 03/30/00 11:28 PM

Dear Frustrated: My HIV+ partner and I talk a lot about how his
status has changed our sex life, and this helps us a lot. From
our discussions, I understand that every time we have sex, the
fear of accidentally giving HIV to me crosses his mind. I have
been clear with him regarding what makes me feel safe, including
combining condoms with withdrawal, being aware of any
cuts/abrasions we may have on our bodies, etc. Do you think your
partner would feel more comfortable if you combined condoms and
withdrawal or a condom with a female condom? When did your
partner find out about his status? I know that my partner wasn't
really interested in sex for a few weeks after his diagnosis.
However, he has tended to move a little faster than most (or so
we've heard from various counsellors and AIDS organizations)when
it comes to facing up to the situation, getting therapy and
opening up to friends. I guess everyone has their own pace when
it comes to approaching difficult situations. For us, it was very
difficult at first: sex did not seem natural, and we felt trapped
by having to take extra precautions. Sometimes it made us feel
very sad. However, as time passed, the precautions all began to
feel more natural. I hope some of this helps. Yours, "S"




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Frustrated
Unregistered

Re: Dear Frustrated... new
      #1086 - 03/30/00 11:29 PM

Thank You for your reply S. However, the problem seems to keep
getting worse. He continues to get his testosterone shots but
still has no interest. He says he doesn't want to talk about it
anymore so we don't. I don't know whether to give up trying and
leave him alone with it or keep trying to entice. He's been
having some health problems lately though minor and also problems
with depression though he is on antidepressants. Sometimes I feel
I should be, too.




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"S"
Unregistered

Re: Dear Frustrated... new
      #1087 - 03/30/00 11:30 PM

Dear Frustrated: I'm so sorry that things are going so badly. I
know it's really difficult, but would it be possible for you to
abstain from intercourse for a few months or so in order to let
your partner know that the pressure is off? Not that you're
pressuring him - but, perhaps in his current depressed state he
perceives any sort of request as a burden. (I know that when I
was very depressed, having to answer even a simple question was a
greater "burden" than I could bear.) Maybe you could maintain
sexual contact....kissing, hugging, etc. with him pleasuring you,
and let him know that this is fine for now. It doesn't sound as
if enticing him would be the answer for now; let him know that
you still love him and are attracted to him - without expecting
intercourse. It sounds as if testosterone probably won't help in
this case and probably the shots only make him feel as if he is
supposed to be able to perform; in a sense, maybe this seems like
more of a "failure" to him than anything. Depression and/or the
antidepressants might be the cause; even certain antidepressants
can cause impotence. Some people need these drugs, but I hope
whoever prescribes these drugs is offering him some sort of
counselling as well - from my own experience and the experience
of some of my friends, I believe that antidepressants work best
side by side with counselling. From my side, my partner and I
both continue seeing our counsellors, and we talk a lot a home
about our troubles, our feelings, our concerns. Even so, our
relationship is very strained at times. So, I really, really
sympathize with you, especially since your partner doesn't want
to talk or be intimate in any way. You must feel very lonely.
Maybe some of this will help: I've learned that my partner is
more able to listen to my concerns when I preface them with a
list of the things I appreciate about him and also when I begin
my discussion with "When you do that, I feel..." instead of "I
don't like it when you do that..." It's also not very effective
to say things such as "You always..." or "You never..." or by
labelling (e.g., instead of saying something such as "You're
selfish" I might say "When you did that, I felt you made a
selfish decision..."). Does any of this help? Do you have close
friends you can talk to? I hope you will write again. Although
you're very concerned about your partner and your relationship,
please remember to take care of yourself, too. This is most
important. Yours, "S"




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Frustrated
Unregistered

Re: Dear Frustrated... new
      #1088 - 03/30/00 11:31 PM

Thanks a lot "S" for your reply. We finally did talk about other
things bothering us last night and then everything else fell into
place later in the bedroom. I guess we just needed to talk some
things out that have been a strain lately. As to having a
counselor, we did have until she quit a couple of months ago and
has not been replaced yet. I'm sure they will soon.




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