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Anonymous
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My life is a mess-lost my true love
      #100740 - 07/03/04 03:18 PM

Hello all,

I know you don't know me, my husband nor my family, but I am going to try as hard as possible to best describe them all. My father, mother and two brothers are wonderful people. Very loving close and caring. I am 34. At nineteen, met my current husband who I fell for deeply. But he put me through the ringer a bit. Dumped me, left me pregnant and alone, got involved with cocaine. Anyway, we got back together 10 years later when I thought he had grown up and got married. It took a lot for my family to forgive him and accept him into the family after some immature things he did to me. He is a good loving dad. I have an amazing chemistry with him. I had so much fun with him. But he still did the cocaine. Due to this, while I was pregnant with our second child, he went out and expiremented sexually with the same sex while on cocaine. He caught hiv and put me and the baby at risk. He did not know at this point, but we caught it due to the serious illness he got with in two weeks of infection. Luckily, I and the baby tested negative. However, I was so shocked, I mean this was so completely out of left field to me and on top of it, we had major problems communicating, I was ignorant about the disease etc. And he would not stop the drugs and I think my hormones due to the pregnancy were so out of whack. I left home and went to my parents for support and also told them he had hiv and put me at risk. They were so angry at him for putting our family in jeopardy, for cheating on me and doing drugs. THey will never forgive him, and when I tell you that they won't, I really mean it. So, fast forward 10 months, I have educated myself on the disease. I am no longer afraid of it as I was. I get along with him well. We see each other regurlay for the kids. I love him still so much. I miss him so much. I want to be with him again so much. But if I do, I will lose my family. They would never be friends with him again. And If I go and lose my family, if he keeps doing drugs, I would have no one to turn to. ANd I know he is still doing drugs. But you would like him even though he is immature and irresponsible. I am only 34 and sometimes don't feel like living, because I can not be with the one I love because of what has happened and I don't think I can stop loving him and love someone else. I feel so depressed that I don't know what to do. I am angry at myself for not keeping it a secret and handling it better and not leaving him. Now my family is destroyed and I know it is his fault mostly though. I am so sad. Don't know how to go on.

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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love new
      #100762 - 07/04/04 02:22 PM

Hi there:

Your life is not a mess cause you lost your true love. You are an emotionalI wreck cause you know you feel strongly for this man. But he's NOT in recovery. he's still addicted and so really you should stay away from him till he gets his life together and then wait a year until you're sure he's recovered). How did he get HIV? Sharing needles? unprotected sex with men? With women? Do you really know? How much do you know about his addiction? And how much do you know about his HIV? When he has sex now is he considerate enough to use a condom and tell others that he's positive??? I doubt he does this when he's high. And what about his illness? Is he seeing an HIV specialist? Is he taking care of himsel? Is he on treatment? If he's on treatment, does he always take his medications? If not, he could develop resistance and his life can be in danger. Cocaine makes HIV progress faster. Girl, this man is bad news!

And remember this--he doesn't respect you or care about you if he could put you at risk with HIV! You need to find other friends and try to get over him. Being with him is destructive to you. Maybe you find that appealing. But you will suffer for this. Love is NOT about suffering! Love is about MUTUAL respect and love. And he's too busy with his addiction to be in a serious relationship.

Can you pick yourself up and get into therapy and find yourself a healthy loving group of friends?? Because if you can do that you will have a much better life then following this guy around...as attracted to him as you are.

Remember your attraction to him is not healthy, because you really really deserve someone who will care for you and be considerate of your health.

There is somethng in you that enjoys being abused and chasing the impossible. I have been in a simiar situation. but you don't want to put your kids through it. And you really should provide a better role model for your kids then to be a doormat. Would you want your daughter to do what you are tempted to do? throw her life away for someone who doesn't deserve her? Someone who will inevitably cause her great pain? Think about this! He's not in his 20's anymore. You need to look hard in the mirror and not be afraid of being alone. You need to have enough self esteem to know that you deserve a nice responsible man who will care for you and not cheat on you and help take care of your kids and not be running after cheap drug highs. I hope this helps!

Sheila

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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love new
      #100800 - 07/05/04 11:44 AM

Hi, thank you fo r your response. I have no one to talk to. I believe he got it from having sex with a man. I have found gay porno and evidence of sex stating he was bisexual. So I don't know if he is gay, bisexual, heterosexual and expirementing or was with a man because he was high on cocaine. He wanted to have sex every night with me, so I am confused. I know he needs to get clean for a long time before there would ever be hope. So what do I do in the meantime? Get a divorce or not? I don't know what is wrong with me to accept this behavior. But he is really good and nice to me six out of seven days. I don't know what to do. I just feel so bad for him and what has happened and I don't know if I should get a divorce. It is so final

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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love new
      #100801 - 07/05/04 12:16 PM

By the way, divorce is not that final. I know people who years later remarried. Just do it and maybe it will help him wake up. And if he has sex with men when he's high then maybe that's really what he wants to do all the time...and if he has gay porno it's because that is what turns him on!! Does he have straight porno??? or maybe he's also a sex addict. Straight men do NOT have sex with men when they are high! Who knows? But it sounds like he has too many problems he is avoiding dealing with.

Stop feeling bad for him and begin to feel something for yourself!! You count too! You are important too! You deserve to be treated nicely and to be with someone who has time for you. He is too occupied with his own issues...from issues with sexual orientation to his struggle with a cocaine addiction. Can he be a proper father to your children and really be there for you?

If you live in a big city there are plenty of places to get good therapy. See a woman therapist where you can work on your self esteem and begin to feel ANGRY at his selfishness and you'll realize that his life is a mess and until he gets himself together it is destructive for you to stay with him. Perhaps you can go to AL-ANON meetings...They are for family members of people who drink too much, but they are helpful for family members of people struggling with any addiction.
1-888-425-2666 call for a place near you.

Also where do you live? Cause there is free or cheap therapy in lots of places. You need to change your way of thinking and think about yourself!!!!!!!! Is he feeling bad for you? Does he say that he cannot get together with you again till his life is back together? Does he always use a condom? Has he talked to you about how long he's been involved with men? Lots of questions you need to ask.

I hope this helps...it's really hard what you are going through. Really hard. but you can get through it....

Let me know if I can help...

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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love new
      #100805 - 07/05/04 03:08 PM

I do need good therapy, really bad. One thing that has come to a notice, is that we do not communicate very well at all. He is so closed and does not tell me anything. If only he would come clean with me and tell me what is really going on with him, it would help. But he will never admit his sexual orientation problems, if there are any. We have not had sex since he was diagnosed. I have not been able to. Now that I have come to terms with his illness, I might be able to have sex with a condom but only if he quit drugs and was normal, honest and responsbile. but he won't talk to me. And I am still scared that long term, I might catch it from an accident with condoms. Anyway, I love him. Will I ever to get over loving him if I go on? My family also is afraid for me to sleep with him with this disease. Also, how do you know when it is drug addiction? What if it is once a week?

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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love new
      #100833 - 07/06/04 11:57 AM

It's a drug addiction when you cannot stop. Even if it's once a week. Now it's a manageable addiction. But how much does he spend on this? Cocaine is real expensive. If he's so closed and doesn't tell you anything then what is it that you love about him? Do you really know him? I bet he's been having sex with men for a long time --remember STRAIGHT men do NOT like gay porno. So there is a lot in his life that you don't know about. It's great that you have not had sex with him. Have you been tested for all sexually transmitted diseases? Not just HIV??? Cause if he got HIV, then he may have gotten something else. Also you do NOT get HIV usually from one sexual experience. You need to have more. And the person who is more at risk with me is the person who receives the penis in anal intercourse. So that's probably what he did...and not just once. It's incredibly hard to get it from oral sex. Just realize these facts about your husband. He had sex with other, probably receptive anal intercourse, many times while he was married to you. Also he didn't use a condom which in 2004 means he really doesn't care about himself. Who do you love? And why do you love him? There are probably other things going on. You're probalby just frightened to look for someone else! And with two kids, it's not easy to find someone. BUT you can, if you want to! You will get over loving him! Or maybe you'll always feel tender toward the father of your children. But to stay married to a man who is probably gay and most definitely a coke addict is insane. YOU deserve love and stability! Your children do too. This man is UNAVAILABLE TO YOU. NOT communicating is a strong sign that he's not sharing his real self with you!! Remember he did not just have ONE sexual experience with a man. He had to have had many many experiences. And as I said, it was probably anal sex. So don't just think it was something light or momentary.
Protect yourself emotionally and physically and make a clean break. You are a grown woman and you deserve someone who is committed to you and shares his life with you. It's NOT impossible to find.

Is there any way you can go into therapy???

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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love new
      #100843 - 07/06/04 05:39 PM

Wow, you are just what I need. You don't live in New England do you? A couple of more questions for you. Do you know anything about bisexuality? Do you believe it exists or do you think they are really gay and just pretend to like both sexes? Also, what kind of therapist should I see? I have been tested for every std you can think of and thank god I am fine. How do you know when someone truly loves you? The other thing I am scared of is letting the kids go with him every other weekend when he is so careless about his own life, then how do I know he will be carefull around himself and cuts and the kids cuts. They always are bleeding from some fall or another...... I am so worried.... Also, I am pretty sure he spends anywhere from 200 to 300 to 400 dollars a night once a week. He does not tell me anything. I don't know why I love him, maybe I don't know what real love is. But how do I fix myself. Do you think therapy will really work? Sorry, for so many questions...

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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love new
      #101001 - 07/09/04 12:14 AM

Yes, therapy will definitely help. I was with a man who was "bisexual" and cheated on me with men. It was really hard to leave him, but I couldn't deal with the cheating even if it wasn't often. Also, it was too confusing for me to be with someone who I thought was always struggling with his homosexuality. I think the man I was with is really gay....I mean I have been with another man after him who is truly heterosexual. He just responds differently to women. His sexual response is just wilder somehow and more natural. And, most importantly, he talks to me and shares his internal life. And he's not in pain about some struggle that has nothing to do with me. That's so important!

Love is overrated. You need to have a good friend first, someone who takes care fo you and is considerate of you. And you will love this person...Head first then feelings.

There are millions of people in America. You can find someone better. He doesn't deserve you!

But really you shouldn't worry about the kids with him in terms of him giving them HIV. IT is NOT transmitted casually!! He would have to have sex with them. HIV dies in contact with the air. So even if your kids were bleeding, he would have to bleed into their blood and then he probably still couldn't infect them. I would worry more about him being irresponsible in different ways....

See a woman therapist and try different people till you feel safe and like talking. You can do the work. You can become a person you feel proud of! You can be a terrific model for your kids. But you have to just do it. It's HARD. I know when I left I thought I would just die. I was so lonely and didn't know how to talk or what to say to anyone cause I was in so much pain because of the difficulties and real complications with my ex. And I was embarrassed to be with a guy who really wanted men (he also had sex with me...but I was tormented by the fact that he had sex with men)

But I went into therapy, went to the gym, and took some courses in stuff I was interested in and really slowly met nice people and felt better about myself. It was really really hard cause I had no girlfriends I shared the whole saga with...The relationship had really damaged me emotionally and it took so really long to recover. But it is all for the good.

I found a better life with a new man and he really would never do the stuff my ex would do (Sure nothing is ever perfect! Men are difficult! Even the great ones!) So just have confidence that leaving an abusive man will end up well. It's good for him and for you. I have a friend who left an abusive man and put signs all over her house right after that said, " xxxx is gone and I will survive" Or other positive signs so that at every turn she would get some support. Go to the library or barnes and nobles and look through some books that will help you recover from this guy. You're not the first! You just need some resources. Get some girlfirends if you don't have any...strong ones. DO stuff for yourself, like the gym or courses or a trip where you can meet other people. Go to groups for divorced parents...Surround yourself with people. Many many women have left the kind of man you have left!
Shelia


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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love new
      #101195 - 07/11/04 12:00 PM

You can leave this guy. He was so involved with drugs and men that he put you at risk. Why would you want to go back to someone who tried to kill you and make your kids into orphans. This man has got to grow up. You're not his mother. Just make a clean break. It may be painful but you will be glad in the end. And you're children will respect you.

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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love new
      #101349 - 07/13/04 09:11 AM

Thank you for the sypport. I need to look at it that way. Because if he was on drugs and assaulted me, he could say, well I was on drugs, I did not mean it, so it is kind of the same thing. I get so confused on what it is like to live with hiv. I mean some sources of information say you can live a normal life with it, and then some say that the medicines eventually stop working. It is so confusing! I wish I really knew....

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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love new
      #101356 - 07/13/04 01:08 PM

Does your "true love" love you as much as you do him ?

What about your children and your own family ?

Get your prorities right, your children need you more than you think they do.

Love , lust , know the difference ?

Stay safe stay alive.


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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love new
      #101449 - 07/14/04 12:32 PM

You can live a normal life on HIV. But not if you are still using drugs! Cocaine makes HIV progress faster! Also if you are using drugs then you may have unprotected sex with someone and infect them...REMEMEMBER that using drugs and acting out is just an excuse! RESPONSIBLE people don't infect others!

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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love new
      #101477 - 07/14/04 10:09 PM

I don't know if he does. How do you know when someone truly loves you?

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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love
      #102396 - 07/22/04 06:40 PM

Where do you live? I dont mean specifically, but in what state? I live in NH and there are some really great support groups in the Nashua area. Also, are you a minority? If so, there are even more resources. I really think you would get some good support from these resources. If I can help you get in touch with someone in the Nashua area, please respond and I will give you the info. I hope things will improve for you...you deserve better!

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Anonymous
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Re: My life is a mess-lost my true love
      #103229 - 07/25/04 11:57 AM

I live in Massachusetts, near NH. I am not a minority. Any help would be welcome. Can you tell me on here or do you need a private web site?

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