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Past Forums (read only) >> HIV/AIDS in the Military

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Anonymous
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can't think straight!!!
      #24716 - 11/16/01 11:33 AM

12 year navy man, just returned from deployment, and was forced to break my wife heart.... you see i had a one night stand with a 20 yr british girl, unprotected. i asked and trusted her when she said that she had no std's, but that i shouldn't ejaculate, i now know why. i didnt put two and two together, i thought she was afraid of pregnancy, but she infected me with this virus. you hear people say "it will never happen to me" and you truly believe that, you take risks, unnecessary risks. you don't weigh what you have to lose against what you have to gain...i have no explanation why i did that. it has cost me everything that i live for. literally. not including the grim reality of dying with aids or suicide. it doesnt seem fair. my mistake, but i can't forgive myself for the pain that i've caused my family and the pain that i'm going to cause my family. i just want to run away anywhere. i'm so ashamed and disappointed in myself. i have to find a way to deal with this guilt, and try to move on...but it is a heavy burden. i have to find a way to make things right with my wife and kids. this is soooooo wrong for them, they don't deserve this, i wish i could take it back.

my wife seems willing to go to counseling concerning the infidelity, but has bluntly stated that she and the kids don't deserve to see me waste away....i understand. you see she told me to go get tested, i know what results are, but she doesn't. i don't want to tell her that i have this....thinking about leaving before results come back. have the symptoms (not anxiety related) been through that already, this is real.

the one big problem i'm having is understanding: if someone knows that they have this disease, and the pain and suffering that it causes to every life involved, HOW could they infect someone else? i don't understand that!!! can someone share some insight? and how does a person move on after so much loss, it is just too much to lose!



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Anonymous
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Re: can't think straight!!! new
      #24895 - 11/21/01 07:51 PM

But can you be sure that you got it from a one-time sexual experience with one girl??? Was she menstruating? It's really hard to get it from one person, having intercourse one time. Are you sure?

By the way, you will not waste away if you find a good HIV specialist. Someone who is an infectious disease specialist. DOn't go to a general practioner. Find the best person you can and don't start treatment until you're viral load is above 30,000 or your t-cell is count is low. You will NOT waste away if you see the right doctor. There are good medicines now. HIV is Not a death sentence anymore.

Good luck pal.



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Anonymous
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You are not alone new
      #25443 - 12/10/01 06:39 PM

I too have ruined my life with one night of infedelity. I cheated on my fiance (with what I thought was a low risk exposure) and ended up getting hiv.
The worst part is that I also gave it to her. This is hell on earth. I don't know how to go on. We are in our early 20's and had so much to live for, know all we have in front of us is pain and sickness. We should talk about this via email. Post a response if you are willing to communicate via email about this, and for that matter anybody else in similar situations, we need all the support we can get!!!



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Anonymous
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Re: You are not alone new
      #28742 - 02/24/02 07:31 PM

convbuick@netscape.net



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Anonymous
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Re: can't think straight!!! new
      #100434 - 06/26/04 11:26 PM

I landed here because I did a search for "can't think straight." I think I have MS and I have not told my family. I was just looking for additional information about the literal mind loss that sometimes comes with MS.

I read your story and it is very sad. You say you already "know" the results of the HIV testing... Is that because you were tested in the military or because you just have a feeling?

If this girl knew what she had and told you she did not have it and then had unprotected sex with you or anyone else you can press charges for attempted murder.

Also, what the other respondent said is right. HIV is no longer a death sentence. I am in GA and I just read an article in the ajc (www.ajc.com June 26) about a guy who was infected via a blood transfusion due to hemophilia when he was around 6 or 7 years old. He has taken medication since he was 8. He recently died from a hemophilia related accident at the age of 24, not from HIV or AIDS he never developed AIDS because of the medication he had taken most of his life.

Concerning the issue of "knowing" the results of the testing. I was date raped once and I feared I had HIV from that incident. The guy was a drug user, I didn't know him well at all (only 2 dates), and I learned that he had sex with a prostitute. I was a single mother. I was so terrified that I stopped sleeping and became severely depressed. I finally told my closest friend what had happened and what I feared and he suggested that I get tested. I thought it was going to be positive but it wasn't. Just staring into the face of that fear can make you believe the worst. Wait for the results before you convince yourself that you have this thing.
Best of luck to you and your family.
L

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Anonymous
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Re: can't think straight!!! new
      #173397 - 02/04/06 04:20 PM

I read your post and it sounded like my story--or at least what my story may turn out to look like. Last summer I tested negative during the usual PCS drill. In October & November I went TDY overseas and had a one-night stand with a girl, after promising myself and my wife I would never again be unfaithful (twice I've told my wife of my mistakes). The girl had told me previously that she had had only three or four lovers in the past, and none for a long time. I wasn't thinking about risk at the time (I wasn't thinking at all), but the medical professionals with whom I've spoken sugges that it was a relatively low-risk scenario. None of that is relevant, of course, as I should have never put myself in that position. I've been away from home most of the past three months, but have met and had unprotected sex with my wife several times--unconcerned. But I started feeling (or imagining) a variety of symptoms that suggest HIV positive status--flu-like symptoms, night sweats, etc--the usual suspects. So I went to a community health clinic for confidential testing (no need to let the military know more or earlier than I want them to know). I am now waiting for the results, and have been living in agony as I think through the implications of this one act. Here is the letter I started writing to my wife (I intend to share it with her if I need to tell her that I am HIV positive):
==========================
Darling,

Despite my promises to you, my oaths to God, and my intentions to myself, I again betrayed you and our marriage. I slept with a girl during my trip to XXX in November. My deliberate actions had created the conditions, but until I was in the heat of the moment I did not believe I would actually make this terrible mistake again. It was unintended and unplanned, and therefore unprotected. I went to the clinic for shots and pills to treat the most common diseases, and was assured that my chances—based on a variety of factors—of having contracted something more serious were very remote. My fear of again admitting to you that I had again betrayed my vows overcame any reasonable precautions once I returned home. This omission became a second betrayal, as I have since learned that I am now HIV Positive and will eventually get AIDS. In all likelihood, I have passed this terrible disease on to you.

Words cannot express the sorrow, shame, guilt, and fear that I feel. Nothing I can ever do or say will ever atone for this sin. In this one action, this one stupid, selfish, unforgivable mistake, I have brought about my own end.

You share no blame in these events or their outcomes. Your love for me was always faithful, and your desire to share your love and life with me only slipped when discouraged by my actions that were pushing you away. Any walls you may have built between us were only to protect yourself from the pain I have caused—and I could have helped you take them down if I tried. But I didn’t; instead, I used your walls to build more of my own. You are in no way at fault for my adultery or its consequences—it was my mistake, my actions alone that led to it.

There were periods in our lives together when we shared pure joy and happiness. I remember and cherish those times; I long for that feeling of freedom and hope and love again. But even if I could start today and change my behavior, become less selfish and more loving, times like those are lost forever. Our lives and relationship will now be permanently shadowed by the dark clouds of my mistakes and failings.

For what it is worth, I feel greater pain for what I have done to you than to what I have done to myself. While I waited for the results of the tests, I prayed for a different outcome—some disease, some condition that would take my life but spare yours. But it was not to be.

I have failed you and betrayed our marriage. I am at fault; I am the one who has done wrong. From this day forward, I make no requests from you or demands on you, but will do whatever you wish. All we built together is now yours and yours alone. We shall live together or not, as you desire. I wish only to try to atone with you for my mistakes. I am at your mercy.
========================
As you can see, we have had a troubled marriage. I've got a short history being unfaithful, and I'm pretty confident my wife will not accept it a third time. And I've got some other, deeper issues that need to be worked through, even if I am not HIV positive.

Fortunately, I think I'm past the "thinking about suicide" phase of this, which I understand is pretty common. I'm Catholic (not that you could tell from my unfaithfulness). But I guess the true test of that will be when my test results come back.




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Anonymous
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Re: You are not alone new
      #188299 - 04/27/06 04:32 PM

did u test positive or are you waiting on results? I just wanna know because I was absolutley sure I was positive but tested negative, check my post a wild ride??

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jenn
Guardian

Reged: 09/14/05
Posts: 325
Re: can't think straight!!! new
      #202377 - 08/02/06 11:03 PM

Did you test positive or negative? We never heard back rom you.

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