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Past Forums (read only) >> HIV/AIDS in the Military

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Anonymous
Unregistered

HIV+/Military/Suicide
      #173439 - 02/05/06 05:48 AM

I don't know, ever since I've been infected I just keep wanting to die. I joined the service a decade ago to fight, now I have the chance, and with orders to the Sandbox in hand I pop HIV+. It doesn't make sence, I am in such a low risk group but that's another story. So here I am, a officer stuck on a base in the states, not leading men, just trying to keep it together till retirement so I'll be able to pay medical bills, not for love of service which it used to be why I was in. I'm fraud and waste of government funds. I used to always have something to look forward to weather it be a weekend with a girlfriend, or going out with the crew the gym, whatever. All I look forward to now is laying on my couch. I hate leaving it. The loneliness sucks, I got a pet and he helps me out A WHOLE LOT (I DEFINETLY would not be here if it wasn't for him), I love him, he is my best friend and my world, but I don't know. I am a problem solver but there is no solution to HIV, I can't get myself out of this one. I stare down the muzzle of my Auto/revolver/rifle/shotgun on weekends a lot, (too much of a puss to do any thing) while I hear people out my window having fun at all the bars on my block. I play russian roulet (Like in The Dear Hunter) but stop at cocking the hammer, don't actually have the balls to put the gun to my head yet, I spin it, and look down the barrel to see if my number would have been up, maybe looking for a sign or something. But its not so much I want to kill myself but I'm always dreaming up these elaborate ways to die a hero. I want to go to heaven. If they sent me to war I wouldn't let anyone in my unit get so much as a scratch I'd be jumping in front or every bullet and looking for a grenade/IED to dive on to save my boys. My greatest wish right now is that on my way home from work, there will be a car accident, I'll run over, rescue a child, and as I run from the burning wreakage the car blows up, kills me but I save the child. Or something like that. One way ticket to the Clouds. I just feel like I am a liability to the Military and my live is meaningless, I don't do anyone any good. I'm a oxygen thieft. I used to be king of the hill, I had it all. From that to nothing in a snap. I can't sit in on weekends anymore and looking for a Hetero mate on those HIV+ DATING websites is useless unless you want some rediculously over-weight or ugly girl or a gay guy. I don't know, my future looks bleak. This couldn't suck more and to think I thought Boot Camp was the end of the world.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide new
      #173545 - 02/05/06 07:58 PM

Hey,

I'm with you on this. Are you Army, Marines, Navy, Air Force? I'm Air Force, tested negative in Jun to go to my current assignment, got stupid in Nov with a one-night stand. Now I'm waiting for my test results and I can't stop thinking about the possible destruction of my 20-year career and 18-year marriage.

How long ago did you find out your status? Days, weeks, months? Sounds like days.... Everything I read about this written by other military guys says it will get better, that life and service do go on. I'm on the phone with our personnel guys almost every day trying to get orders for a six-month rotation in Afghanistan, knowing in the back of my mind there is a chance I may have already dealt those cards out. If so, it sucks. Your story about not going to the sandbox sucks. But it is not the end. Just because you can't deploy doesn't mean you can't protect--the F**king terrorists are trying to bring it here anyway. Our First Air Force, doing the air defense mission, is begging for non-deployable guys. Another story for another time.

A lot of guys thought to themselves that they were too much of a puss to actually pull the trigger, then found out the hard way that they weren't. So get some help to get through this period. Go off base if you can--any old friends who are not in the military that you can talk to? Local centers? Priest, minister, etc.? We both know that the normal alpha males on a military base are not going to understand the situation, so don't look to hard there.

Write back. Answer my questions. USAF O-5.



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daisey6205
Legend

Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 1091
Loc: kansas
Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide new
      #173582 - 02/05/06 11:35 PM

my husband was suppose to go to iraq, but found out he was positive. he feels the same you do. not suicidal, but depressed for not being able to go and fight. everything really is going to be ok. what branch of service are you in?
daisey

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide new
      #174816 - 02/12/06 11:43 PM

Yeah Dude, I know exactly how you feel. This fucking sucks.

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LIVE LIFE
Unregistered

Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide new
      #175022 - 02/14/06 02:32 PM

Hey,
Just writing these few words to tell you that I know how you feel and share my experiences with you. You say you want to commit suicide, well I felt the same way, way before I found out I was HIV+ in 1995. I tried to commit suicide when I was 16 years old because my best friend (15 @ time) shot himself in the head becuase of family problems and took his life. The second time I tried to commit suicide was 10 years later because I made a pass at one of my male friends and he told everybody I was gay which scared the hell out of me so I thought. Well the FATHER/OUR FATHER, did not let me die. Then in 1994 I started getting sick and in 1995 on Feb. 23 1995, I found out I was HIV+, four days after my birthday. Since then I have been going up and down this thing until Aug of 2004 when I experienced death and I mean really experienced it . As a Catholic-( I am not putting religion on you ), we believe in purgatory some people do not- well I know that it really does exsit because I not only saw it but went through it and felt it. It is an ugly sight and feeling because there is no life and no light. Just alot of black shadows walking down there lost. I think I can explain it better in person. What I want to say to you and like I tell all my groups that I do is that this is not a gay disease but a human disesae. Yes I am gay but I'm not infected because I am gay but because I did not take care of myself. I would like to leave my e-mail if you don't mind. low-case letters- raymondbanuelos@yahoo.com Please do not take your own life because you don't know how preciouse you really are. GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS . TAKE CARE

RAYMOND

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ang89
Regular

Reged: 12/24/04
Posts: 31
Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide new
      #175034 - 02/14/06 05:00 PM

I have often thought of suicide also, although I am not in the military. I just liked your post cause its how I feel a lot. Not every one on those sites though is fat and ugly I swear, keep trying. I am chicken to kill myself also, Maybe we could help eachother out. Just kidding I am trying to stay happy and I hope you can also. Your future sounds bright think of that.
Angela

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psuguy
Newbie

Reged: 02/23/06
Posts: 1
Loc: Hawaii
Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide new
      #176688 - 02/23/06 04:14 AM

Don't be too down and out bud. Im not gonna get preachy but just know there are people out there to talk to about how you feel. They legitimately care and know what you are going through. Email me if you need to vent. POZ Army officer here

psudude71@aol.com


Edited by psuguy (04/30/08 08:02 PM)

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still_here
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/06
Posts: 389
Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide new
      #177223 - 02/25/06 02:02 PM

so not true.. you're worth more than you can imagine. & by the way, i'm HIV+ and have a kick ass body!! not too hard on the eyes either!! just put one foot infront of the other, you'll get to where you need to be. AND YOU'RE NOT AN OXYGEN THIEF!! that would mean that everyone here that has HIV/AIDS is a waste or a mistake. we all know that God doesn't make mistakes....

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Stand together
Unregistered

Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide new
      #180141 - 03/15/06 08:07 PM

Wow not what I expected to read. AD Air Force here, E6, Flight Attendant. I tested positive 22Nov05 and up till this point have tried and tried to keep my current job. It seems nothing will go right for me. I've tried all the waiver processes and I've gotten all the same answers, "NO". I understand the feelings and im sure they are different for all of us, yet we walk in the same combat boots each day. I am scared because I'm at 18yrs in a month and now I've lost the sole thing I love the most "flying". I try to be strong each day but I do have those, I don't give a shit days as well. Sorry just don't like being squadron bitch boy because I can't retrain or fly anymore. Ive done the withdrawl thing, away from friends, loved ones, places I went to have fun as well. Trying to change that thou. I see the posts here and wish we could all be in the same room just to say "hey we are all going to live and be strong". Any of us who rose our hands and defended our country should always be proud. Yes, we may be positive (don't care how you got it) but we still put our lives on the line each day and will continue to do so. I'm still proud to serve and will keep my chin up and do what I am told. Yes I'll miss my flying, and as my E4 flys over head I may shed a tear now and then, but I won't end what is still a good life. I ask all of my Military brothers and sisters, O's & E's, band together we WILL make it through and live dam good long lifes. We are all taken care of and we are lucky, there are some out there who can't get the meds they need because they can't afford them, the VA has to take care of us for the rest of your lives. We are very lucky some are not. Stand Proud with me! Live with me! Serve with me! Just remember you don't have to do something heroic to be a hero, you just being you are a hero to many and to me.

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rain05
Fanatic

Reged: 01/24/06
Posts: 67
Loc: MD
Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide new
      #180393 - 03/16/06 10:46 PM

How did the military find out about your status? I'm not in the military but my father is. He is in the reserve and just got pomoted to an "E6 "?? I think. I am HIV positive and I don't know if I could take my job finding out that I'm positive and taking away my duties. Good luck and God Bless.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide new
      #180581 - 03/17/06 06:02 PM

My positive test came up on my annual blood testing. All military have to have an HIV test at least every 2 years which i heard changed to every 3 to 5 now. Well I popped positive. The thing about Military is that only your Primary Care Provider and your commander has to know your condition. No one in your squadron/wing/group need to know unless you trust them and want to tell them. Yes questions do get raised when all your co-workers see that your not doing your normal duties but its how you want to approach it and let it out. Its all good. Ive told a few people in my squadron, those who I can trust and know would not tell others or spread nasty rumors. Yes I know the military is suposed to be professional but there are those who don't know the meaning of the word and when you put HIV in front of it with their uneducated bias, well you get the picture

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uoarmyduck
Newbie

Reged: 04/17/06
Posts: 4
Loc: Puerto Rico
Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide new
      #186794 - 04/17/06 06:27 PM

Man, I pretty much agree with you on the professionalism issue. I have had mixed results. Some people have been very good--every one of my commanders has been great (I'm an officer). But I have told very close "friends" who I have known for years (military friends) and many have chosen not to associate with me any more. Kind of crazy eh?

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jenn
Guardian

Reged: 09/14/05
Posts: 325
Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide new
      #191232 - 05/13/06 09:10 PM

I want to tell you that I am a hetero female army officer who is not ugly or overweight. And although I am HIV-, I can tell you that I think as introspectively as you do. I ask myself daily if these bozos all around me would date me IF I was HIV+??? If not, I don't want them. Would they date me IF I was overweight? If not, I don't want them. Would they date me if I was ugly? If not, I don't want them.
So many people are shallow and superficial. I disrespect 99% of the population.
My point - you are NOT less of a person because of HIV status. In fact, I consider you MORE of a person because you are intropspective and thoughtful, and honest with yourself. I say no to 100% of army guys now, but I'd hang with you (and more if we wanted it) because you are deeper than they are.


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide new
      #200319 - 07/17/06 07:58 AM

Just out of curiosity, how did you contract the virus?

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