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DaveyBoy
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Reged: 05/06/04
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Posts: 38
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Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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Scared To Death Of Death
#97843 - 05/06/04 04:03 PM
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Being HIV positive has its woes for sure. When I first found out I had HIV (early 90s), all I could think was poor me, I cannot deal with this, what can I do, what do I care to do? I got so depressed and confused. Things got worse and I wound up homeless, now suicidal thoughts crossed my mind as things were only getting worse...
7 years ago I lived almost in some kind of denial or phased out the fact that I have a terminal disease. Now a days I programme web pages 10 hours a day to avoid reality and avoid having to deal with real life humans who I feel ashamed around (because I have HIV and they might find out). Thankfully my websites are about HIV so that I meet others who have to deal with this, I am learning slowly how to cope with all this...
This posting is not about someones death, just the worry of my own death....
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www.HIV-AIDS-CHAT.com
www.POZitiveLiving.com
www.HIVsearch.com
www.POZ.ca
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DaveyBoy...
I happen to know how you feel. Contemplating our own death sucks, and should never be taken lightly. Somedays I feel mad, others sad, and there are still others where I feel an emptiness that cannot be equaled. Often times, I just feel numb. It sucks. But I guess we have to adjust, or else we go mad. Write back with your email if you want to talk further.
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Hey,
Even thought you are very worried, I hope I might use your posts to a positive effect..I have a friend who was diagnosed a few months ago. She feels she is useless because she hasn't come to terms with it yet...I really want to use your posts to show her it's a gradual learning process. I hope that's OK!
I wish you both all the luck in the world. We just don't know what's around the corner. xxxxxx
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After 18 years of living with the virus and having no treatment options left. Add to that OI's every other day (or so it seems), you could say I am staring down the blade of Mr Reaper's sycthe. Even my GP is wondering if I will make it through this winter(I am in the southern hemishpere). Have to say I am scared shitless! Anyone else in this spot of shit?
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I am at the end also, but fairly happy. Over the last few years I took the time to make all my final arrangements, rectify injustices, let those close to me know how much I love and appreciate them, and developed my spirituality. I will welcome the transition to another existence and look forward to a new "adventure" without illness and pain.
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Everyone is afraid of dying. And all of will die. We just know what we will die of. But I have a lot of hope that with the new meds I will live a long productive life.
Edited by TheBody (05/21/04 08:53 AM)
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You have probably done more with what you see as a "shortened" life, then most people who you think will have a "long" life. You are doing wonderfully, look how far we have come along. Though a cliche: It's not the length of a life, it's the depth of a life. You are still going strong and much more to offer. Peace
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Myhighergrounds
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Unregistered
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Dear DaveyBoy:
I have posted something you might find helpful reading - it is under People living with HIV and Gay Hiv.
I feared death all my life - perhaps because it is from one of those events that my journey has started (when my mother passed away and I was 6). I have been diagnosed in May 2004, so I am just new to all this. But one thing is certain: the day I was diagnosed, something in me died, and something else was born... Fear to lose control died... trust and faith in a universal process came in.
I have very high cholesterol, which is another issue in fact... high probability of having a stroke or heart attack... and I am a fit, early thirties guy. The funny thing is I was dreadful for a death caused by aids - maybe in 15-20 years - and forgot I can have a stroke anytime! Oh gosh... and what about that derailing train or the next terroristic attack using the same plane I might be on. We just never know, do we?
But we know something for sure: we are here and now, we are sharing ideas, comforting one another as human beings... isn't that in itself a beautiful gift that defeats death as we know it - the absence of the being human and being loving and inspiring beings.
E-mail me if you want to chat more. Until then, all my love my friend! :)
Take care,
M.
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Jessie
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Guardian
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Reged: 06/15/04
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Posts: 395
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i find your letters so inspirational. Whenever I hook up with a site and i see you I check out the advise that you have given the person and I cry. You are truly a remarkable person and maybe just maybe you were given this challenge in life because of your ability to reach to others in need. I would love to talk with you more. please message me when you can. I am looking forward to talking with you ona more personal level...will thank you now for your advise to all that you reply to...you are a wonderful person......Jessie
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Jessie
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Guardian
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Reged: 06/15/04
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Posts: 395
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I can honestly say that I know how you feel. I too as one day all of us shall journey into that new place of no doctors, pain, meds, loss of loved ones, worry or sadness. I can only hope(as for myself) when God calls for me and all of us that our journey into a new, healthy and happy being will be one of peace. We all deserve it. I wanted to also express my love to you all....This journey that we all make in one way or another is hard but eventually is accepted, nurtured and ready for us to venture into ourselves in such a different way that we ourselves could never even imagine. My thoughts and prayers are with you all each day and I hope you find true peace when your time comes to make this "new" journey...until we speak or see each other again......all my love.......Jessie
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I can relate to you.
This is a chronic disease, it is not a death sentence.
You have to be strong, and live each day,,to the fullest!
((HUGS))..J in Miami!
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DaveyBoy
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Regular
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Reged: 05/06/04
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Posts: 38
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Loc: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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Thanks for the kind words and letters of inspiration. It's other HIV positive people who have helped me the most, hundreds of chat members in my support network that have so wonderful over the years to me too. :)
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www.HIV-AIDS-CHAT.com
www.POZitiveLiving.com
www.HIVsearch.com
www.POZ.ca
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