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Tina
Unregistered

posotive husband pushing me (-) away
      #94278 - 04/03/04 01:54 PM

My husband purposed to me christmas 2002. He found out in august of 2003 that he has HIV, I was tested immideatly and am negitive. We married in october 2003. He has been my best friend for over 6 years and now is pushing me away. Nothing I do is right or good enough. He has e-mail friends that know more about him and what he is feeling more than I do. Its almost like he blames me for him having HIV.
He sends other friends flowers nice little e-mails but turns his back on me. How do I get my friend back and save our marriage. I have asked him to go to consuling with me but he will not. Is anyone out there going through the same type of thing or has anyone been through simmilar
Concerned wife

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Anonymous
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Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away new
      #94298 - 04/03/04 08:01 PM

Tina,
My heart goes out to you.
As an HIV+ male with a negative partner I can perhaps understand what he is feeling.
As a person with HIV, although it is a hidden (not obvious) disease, it still carries with it lots of stuff.
Our society still views the disease as a "naughty" disease, forbidden, and that is alot for a person with HIV to handle.
I'm not saying that you are not there for him, but HIV people tend to suffer alone because of the forbidden nature of the disease and that begins to effect the very way you feel about yourself.
Counseling is very, very important to help manage these emotions.
Finding a support person, or group of similar persons is very, very important also.
As a Heterosexual man the negative feelings attached to having HIV are probably amplified.
Feel free to write to me if you like.
Healing is possible!
Steve


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Anonymous
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Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away new
      #94309 - 04/04/04 12:15 AM

Hello

Maybe you need to be his friend and stop being his wife. Obviously he has a problem and if he won't seek help want can you do????

Confront him!!1 Ask him why he is pushing you away?? Ask him if he wants you to leave???

Tell him you will leave him as his wife, but never as his friend.

If he can't deal with the disease why go down with him. If he doesn't want help or to save your marriage what can you do????

Maybe you will be better off as friends. Confront him, don't live like this it isn't worth it.

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Anonymous
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Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away new
      #94343 - 04/04/04 04:21 PM

When I tested positive I pushed everyone away. I had it in my head that my friends and lover would be better off living their lives without me. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone and I believed my lover had a right to have a healthy partner that could give him "forever". I had to learn my lessons in my own way and I eventually reconnected with everyone after attending counseling and support groups.

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Tina
Unregistered

Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away new
      #94397 - 04/05/04 12:28 AM

Dear Steve,
Hi and thank you for your response. I have so many questions I hope I don’t frighten you away. Have you been to counseling if so how long after you found out did you decide to go? What made you make the decision to go? We need help, but things are getting better we are talking a little more. I know he loves me and I love him with all my heart I only want to help and hold him. I know he is frightened who wouldn’t be. I also know he is ashamed as he is telling most everyone other than immediate family that he has cancer. In many ways I can understand why though, his family has treated him differently he just told his cousin they were very close he stopped by or called almost every day now he hardly ever calls and has only stopped by for a very few minuets once. At his 40th birth day party this parents, sister and family would not eat the cake because he blew out the candles he is no longer allowed to kiss his 5 year old nephew it is so heart breaking that some times I just want to scream at them for their ignorance and for hurting him. How can I get him help? Thank you for your time and help, I truly appreciate it. I will keep you and your partner in my prayers.

God Bless,
Tina


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Tina
Unregistered

Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away new
      #94398 - 04/05/04 12:38 AM

Never in a million years would I leave him. He is my sunshine, I love him ill or not, always have and always will. I want to be there for him no matter what. Loosing him in death would be horriable but I would survive and know that I spent every precious monent with him that time would allow. But to loose him and what time we coukd have left would be devistating.
I will pray for you.
God Bless.
Tina

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Anonymous
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Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away new
      #94499 - 04/06/04 03:43 AM

Well, I am the positive one, and my fiance is negative. I have done that to him, to spare him from always having to deal with my problems, or see me sick. He may think he is sparing you pain. He may be unsure of his life span, and in case he thinks something may happen (although recently diagnosed has excellent chance of living a long life) to him. If he won't go to counseling, at least go on your own. Good luck, it sounds like he has found someone wonderful. Maybe he also just needs a little more time to absorb being positive before he can open up to you, the love of his life! I hope he can change for the sake of your relationship, it may take a little time.

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Anonymous
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Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away new
      #94607 - 04/07/04 04:20 PM

Hi Tina,

I am dealing with the same challenge with my partner, he is negative and I am not. He is applying more and more pressure and making it seem that sex is more important than the billion things that are constantly going through my head, my feelings, my fears, my everything regarding what if any future will be. Give him time and support him, try to open up a channel to him so he can include you in these feelings and let him know what you've been saying in these chats. It really has nothing to do with you, attraction or sexual appetite. There is just so much to be considered. I feel that I am blocking the sexual desire feeling because it quite possibly is the very thing that got me in this situation. Remind him he is more important than sex and prove it!

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Anonymous
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Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away new
      #94609 - 04/07/04 04:23 PM

This is a very troubling topic for me. I'm middle-age and gave up a great career to go to grad scnool and met the love of my life - of a thousand lives - while there. Over a year later I tested positive during a healh related thing I went through. She loves me so very much, definately struggled with my HIV, but decided the love was once in a lifetime-like and decided to love me still. But, over more time, I became self-conscious about all of the tribulations around being positive and lost myslef in many ways within the nightmare (yes, begin positive for me is a nightmare) and lost my self respect too. Indeed, I tried talking to her and she courageously kept her chin up but is proud in her own way and her idea of moving on with my life was nowhere near what I was experiencing although now, after the fact, I understand her more than before. . She did begin to treat me differently, whether it was due to hiv or other things, or a combination, i don't know. Sadly, and I began to feel less-than around her. We were obviously headed in diffeetn directions and I drove her away even though she did try with me.. I wound up saboataging the relationship as I felt she just didn't understadn the level of gulit and frustration I lived with. Plus, I was SO afraid to infect her.
My advice to you is this. One, really be honest with yourself about whether or not you think of him as you did before the hiv interrupted your lives. Two, do you really, deeply, accept that you may, due to some unfortunate circumstance, one day, contract his virus. Three, do you still repsect him and accept unconditionally that his life is forever altered and will never be what it once was, not that it can't be splendid, but it is changed forever in his mind, and obviously in yours as well.. Four, is he willing to answer these questions face to face with you? Five, can you accept that he is seeking help for himslef in a way that he may believe in the long run, will help you and he in your relationship? Are you willing to accept that sometimes you have to let go and hope your partner keeps up? You have some serious decisions to make and I hope this helped a little. If you both truly love each other, no matter what happens adn how hard it gets, your love will remain. In that case, you will have to work at keeping toghether more than you ever imagined. It's worth it, believe me.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away new
      #94664 - 04/08/04 12:29 AM

If you dont mind me being forward ..Im just going to jump in.
What stage is he in?
Take his advise and go..
It sounds cruel , being supportive for 6 yrs prior to matremony ," perhaps thats The best Place for you..As a Friend..Just not in the same bed.
Some people get sick and the one ting they CAN control is the anger but not always who gets the blunt of it....
Take his advise sweety; don't think that it's always bad spliting up, JUST be their as you WERE which is why he fell in love enough to to the Ring thing...
Now you must be fair in consideration to the next ? but it doest change my mind...RUN girl..just Do it & thank god its not you too.
How did he get HIV + ?
Celebrate him now while he lives. Be the good friend you are.
sorry about the spelling , the type is too small to reread.
Amen to you Girl, Lucky your clean , but please re take The test in 6 months.
Do what feels ...what moves you ..your still Alive ,..HIV is mutating so Get out and Learn .
Some times people just need to be alone when sick. "no pitty party"
I dont have HIV but im young alone and cancer riddled....I choose no treatment & awate my turn as well, ...I pushed with All the energy I had left everyone out of my life so I can go as I see fit.
Its my Birth Right.

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Anonymous
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Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away new
      #94671 - 04/08/04 01:47 AM

Dear Tina,
First, let me say: Please DO NOT take the advice of the last post and "run while you can" - not unless you feel the marriage is truly over, which isn't the feeling I got from either of your posts.

My husband is positive (for 13 years now). We met 6 years ago and have been married for 4. Finding out he was pos. was quite a shock, but I didn't let it affect my feelings, and YES - we have a sex life most people would envy. He's also my best friend!

I do admit that he still has a hard time with his status, doesn't really like to talk about it, even with me. And, unfortunately, we are not "open" to telling others about it. (We both feel that if they aren't sleeping with him it's really not their business). Only our closest friends and family know. I wish we could be more open, but reality check, society can be brutal - and sometimes that includes friends and family.

So, how do you deal w/the situation? 1) Talk openly with HIM, and know when to "shut up" and let things lie. 2) GET EDUCATED! (I know more than my hubby @ treatments, etc. - this website and the newsletters have awesome info). 3) Let him be in denial to a point (my guy was for the first 4 years after his diagnosis). Just make sure you have "safe sex", for both your sakes, and ENJOY it! 4) Find a good doctor who is willing to involve you in your husbands treatment, and go with him to major appts. if you can. 5) Reassure your husband that this isn't neccessarily a "death sentence" - many people can live healthy, happy, productive lives (even a typical "lifespan") - with the right treatment, support and attitude. 6) Enjoy life, it may not be perfect, but it's all we have!

I could honestly write you a book, but I think you get my point. Feel free to write back if you think I can be of any help.

Good luck and long, happy lives to you both. :)

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away
      #94829 - 04/09/04 05:52 PM

Sweeet girl,I understand how your husband feels,I've been positive for going on 5 yrs now,and I'm just now beginning to feel less like "damaged goods"and more like the man I was.It's hard because my form of the disease and the meds to combat the illness means I spend a good deal of time sick to my stomach and it seems I'm ALWAYS tired,no matter what.But back to the pushing you away part,I know in my heart that the relationship that you two have had should be strong enough for you to sit down with him,NOT as a normal course of the day thing,but when you two can really relax,and get him to start letting you in.I can tell you from experience that the closer you are to a person,spiritually and emotionally,the harder it is to let the same person into this living hell(which is what it seems like sometimes)because I dont want to deal with it and including a loved one in my deeeeeepest fears and insecurities is the hardest thing I've ever done.I'm blessed with a wonderfully thoughtful and considerate partner,yet it can be trying in the best of circumstances.I agree,I dont think counceling is the right option right now,but COMMUNICATING in a loving but determined manner IS the right way to go,then later on down the road get some outside interference

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tina
Unregistered

Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away new
      #95045 - 04/11/04 12:54 PM

I am so sorry for you. I will pray for you. You seem to think you have done those you love a favor, you have not. In fact you have acted most selfish.
Sincerely,
Tina

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Tina
Unregistered

Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away new
      #95046 - 04/11/04 01:02 PM

Thank you, I will take your advice. He is talking more to me and we have a trip planned on the 23rd so I am looking forward to some away time with him. We could use the break.
Willl include you and your partner in my prayers also.
Thanks again.
Tina

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Tina
Unregistered

Re: posotive husband pushing me (-) away new
      #95047 - 04/11/04 01:06 PM

Thank you, I will not take the formentioned advice but I will pray for that poor lonely person giving it. I do love my husband with all my heart, I will give it time but will never give up on him.
Thank you,
Tina

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