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sidd1974
Unregistered

DEPRESSION---ASSISTANCE??
      #92221 - 03/14/04 10:33 AM

Hi everyone- My name is Sidney-I am 29 and I have been

positive now for going on five years- and I have dealt with

my diagnosis up to this point in time by not dealing with it at

all, disassociation, and self-delusional, self-destructive

behavioral patterns have kept me fairly numb. Until about two

and a half months ago that is- then I sank into this horrible

black hole of dreaded, deep and dark depression. As crazy

as I feel, and know that I am- health officials feel otherwise,

i.e., I have tried to have myself committed twice- the doctors

at the hospital told me that I was not crazy and wrote me anti-

anxiety medications- then I overdosed twice trying to kill

myself as well- flat-lined once but damn the paramedics and

their portable electricty! I split up with my lover, and just

wandered around the city for about a month either staying

with tricks, or in hotels, just trying to avoid reality, and feeling.

Finally in desperation, I bought a bus ticket to my parents

house who I haven't seen in six or seven years- I showed up

highly unexpected- They are aware of my status, and

because of such will not allow me to stay with them- They've

given me one glass, one plate, follow me around with a bottle

of bleach- My own Mother would not even give me a hug!

That hurts! And she is a registered nurse, although she

hasn't worked in about fifteen years, still- and my father also

well educated, an engineer, but still they say they do not trust

science- oh well! And they are homophobes too- What a

mistake- but when spiraling down---who knows where one

may end up? My Mother tells me " I don't think that you should

hang around all of those homosexuals," I respond "Mother, I

am one of those homosexuals, thank-you!" Anyway- I am

terribly depressed even worse than before- in the middle of

no place, know no one- and have about a week to figure

something out before I am totally homeless...I'm not really sure

where to turn- I have about two hundred dollars in my pocket-

and am not seeing much light at the end of the tunnel- I'm just

seeing an end! I really want to die so bad- I feel so guilty for

being me here- That is something that I have not had to face

in a long time- I feel guilty for being gay- for being poz, and

every other negative emotion that goes along with it- I'm really

going whacko here, and do not know where to turn. Can

anyone relate or have any suggestions? Help!

Sidney siddhartha28@hotmail.com

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Anonymous
Unregistered

DON'T GIVE UP !!!! new
      #92232 - 03/14/04 07:03 PM

Sidney,

Please don't give up on life. You are here for a reason and God loves you and has a plan for you. Surround yourself with people who are concerned about your well being. I'm sorry to hear about your parents I can only pray they will come around. Regarding your need for treatment have you tried your local AIDS organizations to see if they can refer you to a mental health provider who has experiance working with positive people. I'll keep you in my prayers.


Susan
Poz 7 yrs

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: DEPRESSION---ASSISTANCE?? new
      #92253 - 03/14/04 08:04 PM

Be strong. Hang in there buddy. I know that this seems like the end but it may be the begining of change for the best. The drug companies can handle this now. Your doctor probubly does not know but do your reaserch and there is salvation!

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YANA
Member

Reged: 01/29/04
Posts: 23
Re: DEPRESSION---ASSISTANCE?? new
      #92277 - 03/15/04 01:22 AM

Here is a page from a great resource for depression, Dr Ivan's Depression Central.
http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.hiv.html

If you really want to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital you must tell them you are planning on hurting yourself. The problem is, once you do that they now have control over you and can keep you until you convince them they you do NOT want to hurt yourself. If you don't have insurance that should not be a problem because they really do not want to keep you.

However, if you do go this route, make sure you tell the intake personnel HOW you plan on killing yourself. For example, saying, "I just feeling like dying" is quite different from saying, "I have a noose hanging up in my basement just waiting for me".

It probably sounds like a game and, in this day and age, it often is. The thing is you want and need treatment and this is one way to make sure you get it.


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Mellow
Unregistered

Re: DEPRESSION---ASSISTANCE?? new
      #92331 - 03/15/04 10:18 PM

hey man

I am totally with you. poz here too. I say the hell with your mom and dad. Take to the road and do what's best for you. Sadly the disease might catch up to you so you should look into MEDS.

if you want to hit the road and need a hitching buddy, I got nothing to do. 23 male here, not loking to fuck. Got nothing to lose. Got time for the disease truely hits. If you need someone to hang.

Always wanted to check out LA

hang in their dude. Just live life the best you know how.

In the 5 years you've been POZ a crap load of people have died from other stuff and you're still here. It's for a reason man.

Live it up and protect yourself.

There's also Las Vegas. I was thing of maxing out my credit card, going to Vegas and become a slot monkey. A person whose job is to play the slots. Screw LA, let's be slot monkies.

I think $200 is enough to get you to Vegas. Beg you parents for more. Tell them they will never have to see you again if they give you the proper amount of money. Take control. You got nothing to lose. Start all over man. You def have time.

Me, I'm looking at Vegas. maybe I'll hit it rich.

Keep you head up. And enjoy like to the fullest you got time to do everything.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: DEPRESSION---ASSISTANCE?? new
      #92376 - 03/16/04 08:49 AM

What state are you in now mellow?

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