only 6 weeks ago i found out i was hiv+ - TheBody.com's Bulletin Boards

Only 6 weeks ago, I found out I was HIV+. Sadly, my wife
(pregnant) also tested positive. The test was carried out in
Thailand (my wife's) home country. It was a routine checkup for
myself, following a few dizzy spells, lethargy (lazy my wife
would call me), a strange new bad temper and tired eyes. I never
expected such results, especially for my wife who was a virgin
when we met. We visited a hospital in Bangkok. A female doctor
saw me. My wife accompanied me. During my medical exam I
explained to the doctor how I felt. "Lousy!" my wife said.
"Please check his blood pressure because he gets angry very
easy." Blood pressure was checked 120/80. "Like a baby!" the
doctor said. The way she squinted her eyes and asked me about
extra-marital sex, in front of my wife (do you mind!) was a
little puzzling to me. She called the nurse in and had a blood
sample taken from me. Waiting for the results, my wife and I
joked in the waiting area. The doctor came over and interrupted
us and asked me if had come into contact with any blood. I said
that on one occasion I helped car accident victims where I pulled
three dead bodies out of the wreckage and two survivors in
Europe. She nodded and walked away. I looked at my wife and
shrugged my shoulders. She smiled at me and caressed my hair.
Forty minutes later the doctor called my wife in. I knew
something was not right when she commenced taking blood samples
from my wife. I'm the one that's not feeling well. What is she
doing with my wife? Waiting area. Not a word was spoken. We
wondered what was wrong! We just kept on looking at each other
and the floor. Silence. Some time later the doctor called us in
to her office. She asked her assisting nurse to leave and closed
the door. With the saddest look I have seen on a human face and
lips puckered up she broke the news to us, not gently, simply
blurting out: "YOU'VE BOTH GOT AIDS!" A picture raced through my
mind, of when I visited the concentration camp at Dachau and I
felt like I was inside that Nazi furnace burning. The world fell
from under my feet.. The doctor (obviously naïve) told us we
would die in about one or two years. My wife collapsed. I picked
her up and held her in my arms. She kept on sliding out of my
arms to the floor. I tried to be as brave as possible but I too
broke down. My body began to shake. I tried hard to stop the
onset of a panic attack. "Are you an AIDS specialist?" I demanded
from the doctor an answer. "No," she replied. "Well then," I
said. "You could be wrong!" Holding my wife, I looked at the
doctor. Hoping for some comfort. The doctor just shook her head
from side to side, slowly. Am I watching a movie, I thought? Is
this really happening? "The baby!?" my wife said in a trembling
voice, "Will it be O.K.?". Her cheeks were soaked with tears that
wouldn't stop flowing. I was stumped for an answer. Here I am,
head of a large number of staff who can solve problems at the
snap of a finger. Stuck! More blood samples need be taken, I
insisted. More tests! This must be a mistake! "Let's do a CD4
cell count." the doctor said. "What's that? The only CD's I heard
about were musical ones!" O.K. Let's do that as well. Maybe this
will prove we are well. What was supposed to have been a simple
blood pressure check was the beginning of a new life for us. The
beginning of the end we thought. My mind raced back to events
when/where could I have been infected or when could my wife have
been infected? Who got it first? When did we come into contact
with foreign blood. Sexual transmission was out of the question
for me and I had no doubt for my wife as well. I remembered last
testing negative 18 months ago in Singapore (applying for life
insurance). My wife too. So I concluded it must have been
sometime after that. When? About a month after the check up in
Singapore I was in Europe (Greece) holidaying for two weeks and
was hit by severe abdominal pain just as I was heading for the
airport leave. Bad Luck! Before I knew it, I had my gall bladder
removed. I was informed that three liters of blood were used in
the procedure. I had to find donors to replenish the hospital's
blood supply or pay for it. I paid for it. Thought nothing of it
at the time. I was given a 10" scar as a souvenir as well to
remind me, diagonally just under my rib cage. At least the pain
had stopped. About two months later I had 3-4 bouts of bad fever
and flu, each lasting for 3 days or so. They would go away after
a heavy bout of sweating. Strange! I haven't had anything like
this since I was a child. I had all my inoculations at high
school for flu! Thought nothing of it (change in climate). My
work took me to Malaysia then so I thought I must have picked the
flu bug somewhere. My friends were concerned, why so many bouts
of flu! Would you believe I actually joked at one time telling my
friends, I've probably got AIDS. We all laughed. (I have thought
about that phrase and that scene over and over again now and say
if only I knew then that what I was saying was true!!!!!!!!)
Following this my wife also had "the flu" a few weeks later as
well. Contagious we thought! She got over it! Since then we had
other health problems and no idea of the catastrophe going on
inside our bodies. Upon finding out our HIV status, panic, help!
Where do we go? What do we do. We recalled our medical records
from our check up of 18 months ago in Singapore and we were both
negative. He had to be sure. As soon as we returned from the
doctor, I raced through the Internet pages hoping to find a cure.
Lunch, dinner everything was out of the question. We were dying
now. I used every search engine that I knew to find anything
related to HIV/AIDS. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIV WAS. I KNEW AIDS
KILLS YOU. I though it was something exclusive to the gay
community. That's what I knew about it from the media. Only now
my wife and I had it and it was killing us! How can this be? We
are supposed to excluded! I found a cure offered in Mexico city.
I called them (the doctors). They offered a wonderful
solution/cure (these guys are on the internet!) at a price.
Opportunists! I almost booked the flight. They recommended a
whole body hypothermia. Where, they take the blood out of my body
heat it and put it back. It kills HIV. Does the HIV come back
after you boil my blood? I asked during a four hour conversation
from Thailand to U.S.A. My phone bill was enormous. Surely you
can't get all the blood or this HIV thing out of my organs. The
guy agreed. I didn't book the flight. I continued searching the
internet and stumbled across a government funded organization in
my home country of Australia. Aidsline. I called them in the wee
hours of the morning Thailand time (couldn't sleep). I was
immediately greeted and comforted by a very understanding voice.
"This is David," the voice said. "You got HIV," he said. "You
don't have AIDS! Don't worry!" said the Scottish accent. We've
got the bugger licked! We have so many drugs to fight it." DID
THEY?. WHO IS HE KIDDING? I THOUGHT. I just saw on CNN the night
before NO CURE! Who is telling the truth?? I didn't hear anything
about drugs. I only heard, a long time ago, about a useless AZT
drug. I explained to David what happened and that I had planned
to fly to Mexico city to be cured. "Listen," he said in a voice
of authority. "Don't throw your money away. Get on a plane and
come home we will take care of you. There is no cure but we can
treat it." Not very promising, I thought. I woke up my wife and
told her about the research I did on our first night of HIV and
what I thought we should do. Who can we tell? We must tell our
families, I said. "No," she said. "We shouldn't tell anybody." I
called my brother. When I tried to tell him I broke down and
cried. I couldn't finish the sentence. "I've.....I've....got
AIDS!". He broke down as well. All I could hear him saying was
"Why? Why? Not you. Why?" I then realized my wife was right, this
whole thing is better kept a secret. I asked my brother to swear
secrecy to me on the telephone especially from our parents. He
did. I realized then how close my brother was to me. He explained
on the phone different ways he would help: find money, sell his
assets if need be, find doctors. Help us cure this illness. I
cried even more. Within 48 hours of finding out we were HIV+ my
wife and I were on a plane to Australia. David (Aidsline voice)
had arranged for a doctor, Darren, he called the doctor and he
referred to him as amongst the top AIDS specialists in Australia.
Great, I thought, Darren must have a cure for us! Darren met us
on the following day once we landed in Australia, Sunday in his
clinic. Fancy a doctor working on Sunday! This guy must really
care! (I think David explained to him what an emotional wreck I
was). He talked to us. He actually joked about HIV. Hey, I
thought this guy is the top HIV doctor in Australia (so I've been
told), he must know what he is talking about. Why is he joking
about it? This is serious stuff. We are dying! He took out a
needle and countless vials. I joked with him. "I don't think I
can fill all those for you!" I was frightened. I began to sweat.
"Relax!" he said. "You'll have to get used to this for the rest
of your life!" He stuck me first. How can these drug users do
this to themselves! I thought. It really hurts. He took a lot of
blood. Much more than what was taken in Thailand. "Darren?" I
asked hopefully. "Could these tests come out negative. Could all
this be a mistake." "Why not?" He replied. He started to explain
viral loads (first time I heard this expression), and T cell
counts and for the first time things started to make a little
sense. He took our blood samples for testing and we went home. If
ever I felt uncertainty in my life this was it. The results would
be out in two weeks. It may well be two hundred years. I couldn't
sleep. I read over and over pamphlets on HIV/AIDS that I picked
up from the doctor. My wife, you wouldn't guess she had anything!
Tower of strength! Slept like a rock. The baby must be tiring
her. She told me I was going overboard with this situation. I
started taking the reading material into the toilet so she could
not see me. I read a list of symptoms and opportunistic
infections. I started looking for symptoms. I began to sweat at
night. Oh no, I read about night sweats in a pamphlet. I began to
cough. That's it I thought. T.B. AIDS has set in already. I must
be one of those two-year, infection to death cases. The Thai
doctor was right, I am dying. I called my doctor, I called the
Scotish voice on Aidsline. They both told me not to worry. Easy
for them I am the one doing the dying. My wife looked fine. A
week later (with about 10 hours sleep in total), I was afraid to
sleep so that I would not sweat, Darren called us and said our
results were back. "Not too bad," he said. "Confirmed. Both
positive." Yikes, no hope of mistake now, we're done for! Our
results: Ladies first, my wife: CD4 (300) Viral Load (VL) 18,000.
Myself CD4(480) VL(61,000). What does this mean? In Thailand our
CD4 was 352 and 338 respectively. How did my wife slide down so
much? How did I gain those extra CD4 cells? Our doctor explained
different labs different results. Great when you are dying! "I
recommend you start therapy," our doctor advised us. That same
day my wife has a miscarriage! Just what we needed to add to our
plate! We were heartbroken. Surely now there is no God! It would
have been our first child (4 months pregnant). I took my wife to
the hospital where Darren had arranged for a gynecologist
familiar with HIV to meet us. During the curette procedure I was
worried about nursing staff getting infected. Should I tell them
or not. Would our gynecologist tell them. I was embarrassed. I
tried to look as macho as possible. Put across this "I am not
gay" image. I picked out the most senior member of the team and
told her. "Is your wife a drug user?" she asked. "Is that how she
got it?"(Well at least she didn't ask if I'm bisexual). "No!"I
snapped back. I gave it to her! I wished I never told her.
Stupid. I discussed this the same day on the phone with Darren.
He said you don't have to tell anybody about your HIV status.
Nursing staff and doctors should take precautions with everybody.
Legally, you have to tell a person if you are to have sex with
them (before you do it). You also must tell the immigration
department only if you are applying for resident status. No else
needs to know. That is the law! Our doctor (he became our best
friend by now) told us about the drug therapies and what previous
results of these showed. He could not say much as they have only
been used for about three years with 80% success rate. That's
great! I thought. They certainly will not work for me. I have
never taken even an aspirin in my life. For sure I will be
allergic to them. I do not know how I will react to medicine!
Those rashes the doctor warned us about. I was sure I would get
them. HE SENT ME FOR COUNSELLING (do you think I needed it?). My
wife reassured me that there is nobody to blame for our infection
and even if I did give it to her she still loved me and would
forever. "James," she said. "God has everything planned when one
is born when they will die. Everybody must die. Let's be happy
that God has made us both HIV+. This means he wants us to stay
together." I wished I was Buddhist too and had so much faith in
something. During the first week of drug therapy (Nevirapine,
Lamivudine, Stavudine) I searched my body for rashes. I never
looked at my backside so much in the mirror! I searched my wife
as well. What do you know, no rashes! We visited our doctor
countless times during that week, for what I was sure were a
series of symptoms, side effects and the onset of death. Rashes,
Kapasi Sarcoma, CMV, cancer (I went twice for cancer) and a whole
lot of other OI's I read about. I had the lot. Our doctor
laughed! "Stop it!" He ordered me. "You are not dying. You'll be
around a long time yet to bother me!" BACK TO THE THERAPIST FOR
ME! "James," said the therapist. "You've just lost a baby. You've
got more important things to worry about than HIV. Let your
doctor worry about that. Your wife needs you. She is suffering in
silence." My wife burst out crying. I realized that I was so
wrapped up with death and dying with this thing that I had
neglected the most important person in my life--my wife. It was
time to change my attitude. I did. I started taking my wife for
walks in the park, fishing, picnics. Just being together and
living. Following counseling and our drugs, A MIRACLE! The night
sweats stopped. My cough vanished. I realized how silly and naive
I was about the whole HIV saga. All the symptoms were self
manifested. ANXIETY the therapist put it down to. You will die of
stress rather than HIV, he said. My wife, still as cool as a
cucumber. Is she really HIV+? Two weeks later still no rashes.
Aha! But now we have to start taking Nevirapine twice a day. For
sure the rashes will come. They didn't! Phew! I asked our Doctor
if we could leave Australia and return to work. "It's probably
the best thing for you," he said. "I will take some blood samples
to monitor your status and you can be off." Back in his office he
took more samples. It didn't hurt as much this time. It was
normal. "What do you think, Darren?" I asked as he was drawing my
blood. "I expect you'll both be undetectable," he said with
confidence. "And if we are not!?" I quickly responded. He frowned
and looked at me. "I've done this enough times to know," he said.
Six weeks after finding out we were HIV+ my wife and I took three
months supply of drugs and back to work in Asia. Upon leaving
Australia I called our doctor and that Scotish voice at Aidsline
and thanked them for putting us on the right path. I just wonder
where we would have been if I did not see that number on the
internet. Probably in Mexico having my blood boiled in a soup.
Now, armed with our lifesaving drugs in a shoe box (I wear a size
9) It fits exactly a three-month-supply of drugs for two people
and little alarm clock, we believe that there is nothing wrong
with us. That's how we feel. These drugs have really made a
difference! It may be denial but heck to live one year or fifty
years live it the best you can! The whole experience has made me
realize how uneducated (even though formerly I was a school
teacher!) I was about HIV (Now I am an expert!) I realize also
how prejudiced I was about the gay sector. Sorry guys. We owe you
a lot. Your battles have given us what we have today to fight
this stuff. Darren made sure I understood this. HIV is not a GAY
disease it's a people disease! I JUST WONDER HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE
IT AND DON'T KNOW UNTIL THEY DROP DEAD! Relatives will think poor
dear died of pneumonia, or died of cancer.... GET A CHECK UP AND
GET SOME TREATMENT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! It's not confined to
sex, drugs (needles) as everybody thinks. I do not smoke, I do
not drink, I have sex only with my wife and what do you know I'm
HIV+. ANYBODY CAN GET IT. IT DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE COLOR, RACE,
SEXUAL PREFERENCES OR DRUG USERS. HIV testing should become
compulsory for everybody. I never would have dreamed of doing an
HIV test. Why should I? I was not in any risk category. Thank God
that doctor in Thailand did the test (for reasons I still don't
know). I believe the number of infections that we know of is the
tip of the iceberg. There are definitely many unknown infected
people out there that don't know and could be infecting others.
If I was not married I too could have passed it on to more people
than just my wife! You know after all this everyday seems
brighter, my wife and I are much closer and life is just so much
better (no matter how long it is!). We also have made a few new
friends doctors, therapists and pharmacists. WE BELIEVE THAT THIS
HIV THING WILL NOT KILL US! A week after departing from
Australia, Darren emailed us our results. After three weeks of
therapy we are both undetectable. CD4 is in the normal range. My
wife 520. Myself 750. We celebrated. We will beat it! Our next
test is due in July (three month interval). We pray that all
continues to go well. I would love to hear from others! James.
Email: intelligent@bigpond.com

Post Extras: Remind Me!