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Am I right to notify?
#81587 - 01/20/04 07:11 PM
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Recently I learned of my spouse's affairs with **multiple**partners over the past 10 years. In fact we married because my spouse infected me with HIV (at the time I thought it was a death sentence, etc...).
Now I feel that these people my spouse has had sex with have a right to know my spouse was infected. My spouse feels they know what risk they are taking when having casual sex (despite the fact status of HIV was not disclosed and I have proof of spouse denying HIV staus as "clean, no STD's") I am angered and downright ashamed. Even though I believe transmission chances were very low, the fact is I believe these sex partners have a right to know, just like I had the right to know before I was infected.
Should I not wait one more second to report my spouse to these people and/or to the Dept of Health? We are going to see a counselor, I think that will encourage my spouse to do the right thing, should I wait until that discussion is made and my spouse can report on their own? We also both see the same doctor, the doctor has an obligation to report my spouse anyways, and is that the right way to go about this?
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sweetpea9919
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Master
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Reged: 10/22/03
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Posts: 140
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Loc: Las Vegas, NV
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I understand where you are coming from. I was in the same position a few years ago with my ex-husband. In my opinion, I don't think it's up to you to try to inform all of his past partners. How would you even go about informing all of them, or finding out who they all were?
If it were me, I would do all I could to convince my spouse that it's the morally and ethically right thing to do HIMSELF. If your spouse is a strong enough person to handle this task, that's great.
I once had to let FIVE guys know I had tested positive for Chlamydia. And they ALL knew each other. Talk about an embarrassing situation. I knew they could get mad, scream at me, call me a whore, etc. But in the end, they were all releived that I told them, and I knew I had done the right thing. Hopefully, your spouse will do the right thing. But in my opinion, while I admire you for trying to "save the world", I don't think it's your place. Good luck to you both.
Erika
--------------------
Erika
Married; 31 years old
HIV+ 10 years... and counting
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I hope you don't live in a small town! Then this would be in the papers and you would be in the papers too!
Remember it is a crime to knowingly transmit HIV. Your husband sounds like a nasty, hateful fellow. He deserves prison....which is what he'll get once it's discovered what he's done. You can report him to the Department of Health and they would do the work searching out his partners. But you may have to move away and you realize he'll never talk to you again.
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Yes you should do the right thing and notify. You do not even have to give your husbands name, just anonymously tell them that in the past a person they have slept with has tested positive for HIV and they need to get tested. Your husband sounds like a real creep and loser, why are you staying with him? What he did was also against the law, you have an obligation to tell people if you know you are HIV+. There is a big case right now going on in CA about the same thing.
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thanks sweetpea. (I see how you earned your nickname!) We live in a large metro area so identity is not the main issue, but I think why my spouse refuses to disclose is because someone may outright be able to identify or my spouse wants to continue the sexual relationship. Possibly a coworker, family 'friend'? And the thing is too, I don't want to cause unnecessary alarm just because there may have been phone numbers found, some are questionable contacts (legitiamate business numbers). Secondly, we have 2 young children and I worry about harrassment or harm to them. Another reason, if anyone seeks legal action against my spouse I am liable for paying for it too (and if I fight that I will still have legal fees, time off work, headache, etc) . So far talking with people who know this situation too, they are split on whether I should tell or let my spouse use their own conscience (and sometimes I doubt if there is one). And I do agree to one thing, my spouse is not wholly responsible if someone gets infected, these are adults who know what risks they are taking, and in the real world there are people like my spouse who act on impulses not on ethics. But that does not excuse the behavior in any way. I don't have to nor do I want to have the responsiblity to "save the world".
I'm still drawn. I think I will consult more before drawing a conclusion.
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I have to go with notifying.
If this was just suspicions of someone having an affair I would say mind your own business. But a diagnosis of untreated HIV can be dangerous...what if one of the women get pregnant? What if she is now HIV+ and then gives it to her husband/boyfriend? I say either send them a note telling them that they have had sex with someone who is pos and they must get tested or call the health dept or AIDS support phone line and let them do it...I say, better to have someone notified that will turn up negative and maybe teach them a lesson in safe sex that to be pos. and not know it and give it to others...
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