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my friend is now in the final stages...
#703 - 03/30/00 03:58 PM
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Watching my best friend die, it really hurts
My friend is now in final stages of aids, I try very hard to stay
positive for her sake. We have been friends for over 20 years, I
am telling myself that I should be grateful I have had her for
this long, but all I can think about is that she will die soon
and there is nothing I can do to stop it. How do you deal with
it? Aids is such a cruel disease, what it does to a person is
horrible. I have told only one other person about this, he tries
to understand and says all the right things, but he really can't
understand what it is like. I just feel very lost and alone. She
is such a good soul, and I despair to think the world will lose
her. I don't know why I am writing this, maybe I am hoping to
find an answer in all this. Maybe I hope that someone will take
comfort in the fact that they are not the only one watching a
friend die. Maybe I will find comfort in hearing from someone
else who is in the same dark place I am. I imagine there are alot
of you out there. If anyone knows of a magic pill to take away
the pain I would like to know what it is. I feel like I am dying
with her. Nothing seems important anymore except her. It is not
really something that you can discuss with most people. There are
too many predjudiced, unaware and uncaring people out there. When
she first got sick I went on the net to see what information was
out there. I found lots of interesting,helpful sites. I also
found hate groups, people who want to start leper colonies for
aids victims, others who call them a scurge and who all deserve
to die because they are perverts and drug users. That's why I
don't talk to anyone about this. I love her very much, and I
think that when she is gone, I will try to educate the people
around me. Right now I am not strong enough, but by telling her
story and mine it will be a memorial to her and maybe if I can
change one persons opinion that will give me a reason to go on
after she is gone. I would like to make everyone aware that
people who have aids deserve our compassion, because they are
just victims. The people who lose them are victims too. I guess I
kind of got off track here, I do that a fair amount lately. One
thought just leads to another you know? The worst part is the
anger. I am angry because she is dying and that no one can do
anything, including me. I have never run up against something I
couldn't handle before. Then I cry. After a while I tell myself
that it doesn't help. I put up a wall and hide, go to work, keep
busy, and it works for a while. Then it starts creeping back, it
comes when you are least prepared to deal with it. That little
voice that invades your sleep, that wakes you up in the middle of
the night. It echos in my head, Maggie is going to die, over and
over. It's always there. It is slowly driving me crazy, and I
think that when she dies I will die too, not in a physical sense,
but a large part of me just the same. Well that is my story. Take
care everyone. Please say a prayer for her,the Gods don't listen
to me anymore. Nina.
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Reply to "Watching My Best Friend Die, it really hurts" dated
4/21/98. I just read your message, then dried me tears and
decided to reply. Your message brought back all the memories of
when my friend died shortly before Christmas 1997. I have been
doing volunteer work for people with HIV/AIDS for about 3-1/2
years, but nothing could prepare me for the heartbreak of going
through the final stages of AIDS with my friend. I also felt so
alone, like no one else could really understand what it is like.
My friend had a really rough final year and had been in the
hospital a few times when I didn't think she'd pull through. Even
though I knew the end was coming, you're never really prepared.
She had become such an important part of my life, and she was
such an inspiration to me. I only knew her for about 3 years, and
when I knew I was losing her, it made me angry that I only had 3
years to share with her. In the end, she taught me so much about
dying. She had fought her battle with AIDS with such grace and
she was always so positive right up until the end. I wanted her
to be angry about this ugly disease, but she was a very religious
person and felt it was God's will somehow. To me, it just seemed
so cruel that such a beautiful person had to go through what she
did. When she finally decided to give up the fight, I thought I
couldn't bear to lose her. But she was so at peace, and she was
ready to go. The hardest thing I ever had to do was to find the
courage to tell her goodbye. I knew she needed to hear that from
me and to know that I'd be okay. In the end, she died quite
peacefully. I couldn't find many people that I could share my
feelings with because of the fact that it dealt with AIDS, and as
you know, a lot of people don't want to get too close to that
subject. You had mentioned that you thought you would like to
educate people about AIDS. I hope you are able to do that, and
I'm certain your friend would be pleased. You might want to check
with your county health district to see if they have any
volunteer programs. That is how I first became involved with
caring for people with HIV/AIDS. It can be quite heartbreaking at
times, but believe me, it has many rewards. I think I can
understand what you have been going through, and I would like to
hear back from you if you need someone to talk to. Take care of
yourself, and I do hope you let me know how things are going.
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I for one would like to thank you for your story! I am not in
your shoes. I am not in Maggie's shoes either. Not yet anyway. I
have HIV with no symptoms. The doctors tell me that I am doing
very well. But, the reason that I am responding is simply to
thank you. Your story has indeed touched my heart. I think now I
know what my friends are going through, just thinking of me in
Maggie's shoes. It has given me a different perspective in which
to look at things. I believe we all need that. And I will pray
for her and hope that God, if there is a God, will hear both of
our prayers. Take care of yourself and don't let your grief get
you down too much. Keep your chin up.
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To nina
We all are dying creatures, we have no choice, wether we have hiv
or cancer , we born to die, Nina don't wory soon you will follwe
her, the worst thing in life is we don't accept dieng unless we
the living one die, Not Maggie, many poeple in our planet are
ding every movment. Let me tell you about your life, you and
maggie has some thimng to do now. I hope maggie will have some
more times. Let her put her trust to jesus. He is the only one
who could raies us. So before she dies let her recieve life.
after that one day when you plant the love of God in your heart .
you will be happy for those who dies in any helpless mattere. We
come from nothing, we will be something and entrnal by his blood.
God bless you, and hope Maggie will be in heaven one day with y
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Watching someone die
Take care of yourself too. Helping someone die is an extremely
traumatic event and takes years to recover from (if you ever do).
But while you are going through it, it helps not to get
completely depleted. Eat some good food. See a funny film. Look
at something beautiful.
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