i have an advance hiv infection... - TheBody.com's Bulletin Boards

Hi all: My name is Jim, I have an "advanced" HIV infection, and I
write to hopefully give a bit of TURBO-BOOST to all who find
themselves in that moment of darkness that comes when you may
think you are nearing your end. NEVER just "give up", LIFE is way
to fantastic!!! My "story"... well, I'm a NOW 47 year old male,
I'm USA born and raised, and have lived here in Spain for the
last 15 years with my life partner Lorenzo. I had come here to
Spain on vacation, ended up falling in love, and thus my
residence here. As to HIV... It all begins with my most beloved
brother. He was told many years ago long before HIV was known for
what it is, that he was "probably" infected with what was then
still called "GRID". Well, the years went on, science advanced,
and finally yes, they did the real "testing" and it was true, he
was HIV+. He lived a fantastic life, enjoying every day until he
did finally start to get sick. That was back in 1.988. As his
illness progressed, I never ceased to be inspired by him over his
courage, his ability to face such problems and never give it.
Finally, in 1.991, after so much, he did reach the end of his
life on this level, and has gone on to what ever it is that
awaits us all. That was November, 1.991. After his death, who
knows for sure the "whys", mostly I think in "memory" of him, my
Partner and I decided to go and get tested too. We BOTH enjoyed
"perfect" health at the time, and considering that we had been in
a totally monagamous relationship for 8 years at the time, we
both felt that there really was little need to be concerned,
etc., but, as I said, basically in "memory" of my brother, off we
went. That was during the last weeks of January, 1.992. Lorenzo's
results came back first, on Feb. 2, 1.992. Test results: NEGATIVE
as was totally expected. The MD. told me that she would have my
results the next day. Needless to say we left the clinic as happy
as could be since Lorenzo's results were NEGATIVE as expected,
and since we had NEVER practiced "safe sex" not feeling any real
need, felt certain that the next day would just be sort of a "go
pick up the papers" type of visit. The next day, Feb. 3, 1.992,
we returned to the clinic to "pick up" my test results. We
entered when they called my name, the usual greetings, and then
the MD. took my hands in hers', and looked me in the eyes, and
said: "Jim, I don't know really how to tell you this other than I
truly am sorry, but, YOUR test results have come back POSITIVE.
It took longer to get the results back as we ran more tests to be
sure the results were correct, and there is no doubt, you are
infected with HIV. I really am sorry." At that moment Lorenzo
just wrapped his arms around me, and I just felt totally
"numb"........ The MD., told us that although she was NOT
SUPPOSED to do such things, she wrote down the name of an HIV
Specialist whom she said that if it was she that was HIV+, that
she would go to, and put it in my pocket. So, the next day we
called the MD. (Vicente), explained the breif details, and he
said O.K., let's begin by getting you a CD4 count to find out
just where you are at this point in time with your HIV infection.
Off to the lab. that same day where they took the blood sample,
and told me, we will have the results back in 3 days. Those 3
days seemed an eternity to say the least. On the day that the
test results were due back, the phone rang rather early that
morning, and it was the Sec'y, of the Dir. of the Lab. calling,
to tell me that Dr. T. wanted to talk to me "personally" at 11:00
a.m. if I could arrange to be there... So, at 11:00 there we
were. Dr. T., also just looked at me, and said: "Jim, I'm really
sorry to have to tell you, but your CD4 count is only 46!!! I've
already called Vicente (HIV Specialist) and told him, and he is
waiting for you over at the hospital. Back in those days, here in
Spain at least, a CD4 count of 50 or below was considered as
being in the "terminal" phase of the disease process. They also
then took more blood samples from Lorenzo to run every type of
test possible, as it just seemed impossible that considering our
particular situation, that he was negative. Thank GOD, his
results again all came back NEGATIVE. YEP, he NEGATIVE, me
POSITIVE and "clinically" in a "terminal phase", and 8 years of
never having practiced "safe sex". That afternoon, sitting in
front of Vicente, he read all of my test results, case history,
etc., put his pen down, and asked me point blank: "Are you
willing to fight with all of your soul to live or do you prefer
that I just do all possible to make you as comfortable as
possible until the end? You seem to be one of those very "rare"
cases of a true asymptomatic who has reached the terminal phase
without having manifested any opportunistic infections, etc.,
yet, but, in your types of cases, the little data that exists, it
seems that just suddenly you will have everything fall on you at
once and then, the end. The choice is yours." It took my only to
look Lorenzo in his eyes to know my answer, and told him:
"Vicente, if needed, I'll walk through the fires of HELL, but I
want to LIVE!!!" Thus started "my journey" with HIV. Back then,
the medications available were still quite limited, but every
time a new "retro-virical" came around, I was first in line to
get a go at it. I did the "alphabet soup" number in every
combination imaginable. AZT, DDi, ddC, AZT+DDi+ddC, you name it,
I swallowed it..... My CD4 count dropped and sort of just bounced
around between 5 to 20. Finally, in August, 1.995, I went totally
TOXIC to everything, and we had to suspend ALL medication. I was
a "bit of a mess" to say the least at that time, but had NO IDEA
of what I had waiting for me. My CD4 count dropped to zero (0), I
went from 173 lbs. to 98 lbs., I could not move myself, Lorenzo
would carry me in his arms to wash me, etc., "tube feeding" since
I could not eat any longer, and on and on and on.... Well, I had
managed to survive until Christmas, 1.995. On Dic. 24, 1.995 the
Priest came and gave me "Last Rites", and there really seemed
little left to do or be said. THEN, on Dic. 27, 1.995 Vicente
came running here to our home with a bottle of a "totally
experimental drug" that he had managed to get the Spanish
Government to approve his giving me based on the fact that there
was "nothing left to loose"... It happened to be called
"INDINAVIR". I now know I was one of the 3 people that the
Spanish Government had approved that day to be the "first" to try
the "stuff" here in Spain at that time. So, swallow down the
capsules and let's see what happens. First x4 days, no reaction
at all. Then came day #5. At that point I knew I had to "get
better to die"! NEVER had I ever even dreamed that I could be so
sick and feel so horrible!!! That lasted x6 days, and then
suddenly, what I lovingly call the "Lazurus effect" happened!!!
Suddenly I started to actually "feel better". Well, that was the
first weeks of January, 1.996. Today is April 7, 1.997, I now
weigh in at 168 lbs., I just got my last CD4 count back and I am
now UP to a FANTASTIC 96!!! and I only need to "hang in there now
less than 1,000 days more to reach one of my "life dreams", to
celebrate New Years Eve and watch the calendar turn to the year
2000 in the arms of the person I love!!!!! My hope and prayer for
all is that you each find your own way to arrive at peace with
yourself, decided to NEVER just "give up", believe me, I KNOW how
tempting it can be, and FIGHT with every ounce of strength that
you have to LIVE LIFE to its' fullest, and never, ever, ever
accept the "proven crap" concept that HIV = DEATH........
NEVER!!!! May GOD love, bless, protect and keep each and every
one of you. GOD loves all of you, and so do I!!! Jim

Post Extras: Remind Me!