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trying to meet someone, not just for sex
#458 - 03/30/00 12:23 PM
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I would like to meet another Hiv+ person. I find that the bars / coffee shops, etc., cause
me alot of anxiety because of the disclosure issue. For me, if someone is interested, and it
appears it is leaning towards dating or some level of intimacy, I want them to know about
my sero status. However, because it is so hard to address, I have isolated to a point, that
I feel the only relationship that I am havng,is with CNN, and HBO. I went out the other
night to a local coffee shop, and to a nearby bar, there were some very nice guys that
came over, but I
got very anxious about having to deal with disclosure, began to feel terrible about myself,
and just went home eventually, making some flimsy excuse to leave. I am a really nice
guy, attractive, 51, and happen to look considerably younger. Once, in a chat room, I
said I was 51, Hiv+, and there was silence.I guess I could have fabricated who I was, I
know people sometimes do this, to meet people they really never have any intention of
meeting in person, just to go thru the motions, but I don't find that that passage of time
would be very honest or productive for me, or my goals to meet someone for real. I
could use some suggestions, maybe some places to go on the internet, or meet some
people here, on this bulletin board who have been working on this subject, and have had
some success in getting passed it. I will never believe for a minute that my dreams of
having a loving partner in life are forever lost because I have come upon a stumbling
block. I have come a long long way with all the other obstacles, I just could use some
assistance on this one.
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Dear Anonymous:
I have not experienced what you've experienced, so it difficult to give you advice. My
partner was diagnosed with HIV after we had met, so our situation is different than yours.
But, if I try to relate to your situation (that is, if I imagine myself meeting a potential
partner or lover who is HIV+ or if I imagined myself being HIV+ and dating) I would
have to say that you might want to treat HIV like every other piece of information you
would disclose to a new friend. I haven't dated for a while, but even when I meet new
friends, I don't usually tell everyone everything about myself the minute I meet them. It
usually takes several meetings, or a certain amount of time for the depth of the friendship
to increase: I find I naturally disclose more as time goes on and trust develops. I guess
what I disclose first has to do with what seems pertinent at the time, e.g., if I were dating
and found out my date is a Christian who devotes a lot of time to church-related
activities, I might find it important to let them know that I never go to church and that I
am not a Christian. Similarly, if I were HIV+ and it appeared that a sexual relationship
were developing, I'd have to say I think it would be important to tell the other person. In
any case, honesty is best, but you don't have to blurt out everything in three minutes,
unless it is pertinent to the situation. If you are really interested in a relationship with
someone special and they are not special enough to care for you as you are, then they are
not worth it. I know this might mean being lonely for a while, but being lonely is better
than being with someone with whom you don't feel comfortable being yourself. Your life
is precious and it's not worthwhile to waste it on someone who doesn't really love you for
who you are. Please take care of yourself, and best wishes.
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One good way to avoid this problem is to get an annymous e-mail address at
hotmail.com or yahoo.com and then leave your e-mail address here and you'll meet lots
of great people! Or join an hiv-positive support group for gay men! You may not meet
the love of your life there--but you can and it will enlarge your social circule. Or write to
one of the many guys who have left their e-mail address under gay men!
That's how I met someone!
Barbara
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Barbara...please help me with this finding someone...I'm new at this and would like some
help b/c this is the only way I'll meet someone..as long as society has a negative
reaction/understanding to people with HIV.
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At this point for me I am peculiarly satisfied with CNN and HBO though the idea of
human contact is a rather novel one. I have not figured a "right time" to tell someone and I
tend to tell them after the third meeting even if they are not of a sexual interest. I get so
angry that this is still going on that sometimes I want to scream it at the top of my lungs on
the nearest mountain top (forgive the allusion to The Sound of Music)but I haven't told
my parents yet and that would be a real shitty way for them to find out. It would be real
close to the way my gay coming out was and I spent three months on the street for that.
Fortunately I don't live with them now. I have been positive for nearly a year and it seems
that I am a long term non-progressor though that could change so I am told. For me I get
a lot of "I don't knows and You'll just have to wait and sees" yet I still have alot of
questions...
I hope you find a good answer soon and if you do please send it to me!
Take care and more importantly take care of your mind
martin
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