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Reged: 09/07/12
Posts: 20
Loc: Orlando, Florida
Feeling of Self Loathing and Disgust
      #268240 - 10/17/12 08:48 PM

I've been living with HIV since July (when I tested positive) and I will be starting meds soon (In about 2 weeks hopefully)

As of late though, I have had some very strong feelings of self loathing and disgust. As I had stated in my first post I had considered myself to be a heterosexual male, though I had contracted it through being versatile with a pre-op transgender woman

I haven't dated now in over a year after my ex and I (genetic female) broke up, I contracted the virus after we broke up luckily for her.

I tried dating one girl for awhile, and when I disclosed to her that I was positive she instantly freaked out, told me she "could never be with somebody like that" I have also overheard some discussions by people in public discussing if they'd date somebody who was HIV+ and it was usually followed by a "Hell no, those people are sick and disgusting, and besides doesn't having HIV mean that you're gay?" I heard another say "HIV is a gay disease, any man who has sex with another man is gay, even if it just happened one time, he's gay forever and ever until the end of time"

I heard a woman describe bi men as "Gross and probably disease ridden"

In spite of the transgendered women I have been with (yes mroe than one) I still find genetic females attractive but I feel like no one will date me because of my hiv, and will probably run if they knew how I got it

It has really caused me to have feelings of self hate, self hate for sleeping with somebody most people don't consider "female" and disgust because knowing I have HIV makes me feel dirty and disease ridden and I feel disgusted every time I look in the mirror

Has any other poz people here felt that way after becoming positive? I have always had self-esteem issues, but now I feel like the most hate and disgusting person on earth

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Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1895
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: Feeling of Self Loathing and Disgust new
      #268256 - 10/17/12 10:33 PM

Consider the source , they are all a bunch of ignorant fools, and they better be careful l or they may find themselves in the boat titled HIV themselve. I know it's hurtful ,, but they are hurting themselves. Im a straight female and I just love people irregardless of who or what they are as long as they are not hurting and being spiteful. Then I see them as ones that need to be prayed for. It's the so called straight upstanding fools that are the ones I trust the least. So you come here and let me give you a big hug . You are loved my friend, you are precious , You can come visit me any time sweetie. This isn't a pick up just a friend wanting to lift you up.

Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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New User

Reged: 10/21/12
Posts: 8
Loc: BKK
Re: Feeling of Self Loathing and Disgust new
      #268626 - 10/26/12 08:49 AM

Dude - I know exactly how you feel. I've also contracted HIV from my transgender partner.

The only words of wisdom or comfort I can give is that you shouldn't care what people think of you and just live your life the way it makes you happy.

There's no reason to box yourself in by other people's definitions like gay, straight or bisexual. And frankly all those preferences are ok by the way.

Moreover most of the people who would crap all over you for who you choose to sleep with or whether you have HIV or not, aren't people worth worrying about. There is no such thing as a normal person, we're all eccentric in our own special ways.

Now if you're worried about meeting new people and dating, there are resources like dating websites dedicated to HIV positive people -- including women.

Never give up hope -- you can still live a full life.

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Reged: 11/22/11
Posts: 67
Re: Feeling of Self Loathing and Disgust new
      #268709 - 10/30/12 09:35 AM

Don't be so hard on yourself. Who you choose to sleep with is your business no one elses. Some people will find fault with others no matter what. Hold your head up high and know that you are worthy of love to. I'm a positive female an I got it from my ex husband. It's been 13yrs for me. Soon to be 14yrs in January. I've dated both pos and negative. I'm just open and honest up front. I do prefer some one positive. You can in box me and I'll talk with you anytime you need someone. I'm from Illinois.

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