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Gallo's New Virus
      #25675 - 12/18/01 10:36 AM

c 2001 by satirist Marcel Girodian

FAMED AIDS SCIENTIST DISCOVERS NEW VIRUS

By Gina Kolada
The New York Times

Washington D.C. (December 17)--Dr. Robert Gallo, discoverer of the AIDS virus, stunned the scientific community today with the discovery of a new virus that is possibly even more deadly than HIV.

Speaking at an internationally televised press conference in the Georgetown Hilton, Gallo announced that he had discovered the virus responsible for the biggest scourge of mankind--malnutrition.

"It's simply not true that malnutrition is caused by not having enough food to eat," the famed virologist said. "Our ground-breaking discovery proves that it is caused by a sexually-transmitted virus."

Gallo, who has often been described as a genius, gave the assembled press corps a glimpse of his thinking: "I knew that malnutrition couldn't be caused by lack of food," he said. "Everybody knows that globalization has raised living standards for all the world's people, with agencies like the World Bank and IMF making sure that people in places like Indonesia and Sri Lanka make very affluent livings making sneakers and t-shirts for Wal-Mart and K-Mart."

"So it had to be a virus. Sure enough, we found a new retrovirus in the blood and semen of sexually active malnourished people from third world countries. Our experiments prove that in infected people, the virus eats the food before the person can utilize it. Those bloated stomachs children in Africa get are not due to lack of food--it's the virus getting fatter and fatter while the person starves."

He added, "This is one of the great breakthroughs in the history of biology, comparable to Pasteur's germ theory and the theory of evolution."

Asked how the millions of malnourished children in the world could have contracted a sexually transmitted malnutrition virus, Gallo said, "Simple. These childen have been sexually abused. Their parents should all be arrested."

Gallo said that his discovery means it is pointless for governments and the UN to spend billions of dollars on food aid for the poor. "All they're doing is feeding the virus," he said. He called for all such moneys to be diverted instead to the research community, in order to develop treatments for the virus. "With proper funding, we can develop a vaccine for this virus within two years," he said confidently. "We must immediately make no less than 170 billion dollars available to retrovirus specialists. Not to do so would constitute an act of terrorism against all people with malnutrition."

The American Association of Scientific Researchers hailed Gallo's discovery. "It's the disgrace of the century that this great man has not been awarded a Nobel Prize," said Seth Gummowitz, the association's president.

The Business Roundtable, US Chamber of Commerce, World Bank, and Association of Sweatshop Manufacturers all lavished praise on Gallo. "This shows that the good people who operate the international garment industry are not to blame for people's hunger," said Selfishio Grabowski, head of the Sweatshop group.

The Agribusiness Entrepreneurs Association, which has endured years of criticism for paying sub-minimum wages to migrant farm workers, also praised Gallo. "Everybody has plenty of money for food," said Gadabout Pincharama, the association's secretary. "It's too bad that some people have the Malnutrition Virus, but that's not our fault."

US Labor Secretary Wolf Bumby seconded the opinion and called for a cut in the minimum wage. "These so-called lower income workers have been feeding off the government long enough," he said to reporters aboard his government jet as he flew to the South of France to attend a labor conference. "They can get by with just one Cadillac instead of two. Gallo's brilliant discovery should be used to re-think all areas of government policy."

The Pharmaeutical Manufacturers' Association immediately announced that it would start work on drugs and a vaccine to fight the malnutrition virus, as soon as research funds are made available by the taxpayers.

Apparently awed by Gallo's discovery, Senator Hugh Drango of Texas, chairman of the Senate Agriculture Committee, proposed legislation that would empower the National Parks Service to build a giant statue of Dr. Gallo in a prominent place in the capital area. Drango suggested that the statue should be Eiffel Tower-sized and should bestride the Beltway at the exit that leads to the congressional office buildings. "Everyone in government should draw inspiration from the example of Bob Gallo," he said. "He is what this town is all about."

c 2001 by satirist Marcel Girodian



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Anonymous
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Re: Gallo's New Virus new
      #25711 - 12/18/01 08:07 PM

If you think its funny to have long term survivors read that story allegedly by a well known, respected author, you are sick. The fiction part should have been up front. I had to live through that, and by ignoring them I'm still here. But Gallo is evil, and a thief, and greedy. On April Fool's Day, it would still be tactless. I haven't forgotten my dead friends due to his idiocy, and the government giving him undeserved credit for being a fraud. Why not post it somewhere else where people don't know what he did.



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e_Z_Zeke
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Re: Gallo's New Virus new
      #25712 - 12/18/01 08:13 PM

I am not sure what Gallo did? I read the article and it seems a little far fetched.



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Anonymous
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Re: Gallo's New Virus new
      #25756 - 12/19/01 05:26 PM

Read the last line:
c 2001 by satirist Marcel Girodian

it's not meant to be the truth. Gallo is a fool anyway. He claims a cancer causing virus and becomes an embarrisement to the cancer researchers and then he finds a similar virus that causes AIDS based on similar evidence. Except this time it is announced to the world before publishing and having his evidence evaluated. He didn't even find the virus in half of the people he thought had AIDS. On that alone there is a fair chance HIV may not cause AIDS.



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Anonymous
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Re: Gallo's New Virus new
      #25772 - 12/19/01 08:59 PM

This satire is pretty funny, but in no way reflects the reality of HIV and AIDS. It's true that Gallo was a little premature with the press conference, but it was the press that misquoted him as stating "The virus that causes Aids," instead of "The virus that might be the cause of Aids."

Think about the analogy that you're trying to make. "Malnutrition caused by a virus," is pretty laughable, but is "Aids caused by a virus" just as silly? I don't think so. Let's look at what Peter Duesburg would have us believe: "Aids caused by inhaling poppers", to me that sounds just about as implausible as "Malnutrition caused by a virus." Imagine a young child with Aids, I tend to doubt that they did poppers before their 3rd birthday...



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Anonymous
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Re: Gallo's New Virus new
      #25833 - 12/20/01 06:06 PM

I don't think Duesberg claims that AIDS is caused just by inhaling poppers,
although anyone who has ever been to a bathhouse understands how one winds up
with Kaposi's Sarcoma. Perhaps you should re-read his work in order to gain
a better understanding of the issues:


The AIDS dilemma:
drug diseases blamed on a passenger virus


Check out this site, published by an HIV-positive woman who gave birth to a
healthy baby boy:


Alive and Well


Happy Holidays!






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Anonymous
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Re: Gallo's New Virus new
      #25860 - 12/21/01 12:00 PM

"Imagine a young child with Aids, I tend to doubt that they did poppers before their 3rd birthday..."

Over 80% of the mothers of babies diagnosed with AIDS voluntarily acknowledge using injection drugs during pregnancy, a practice which almost universally results in intrauterine malnutrition. The remaining cases of AIDS in infants and children may be due to to the immune suppressive medical treatments given in response to an HIV positive test results, or to the same factors that cause HIV negative babies to suffer from pneumonia, bacterial infections, and immune disorders.



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Anonymous
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Re: Gallo's New Virus new
      #25877 - 12/21/01 06:41 PM

First I'd like to say that I like Duesburg for thinking out of the box, and for having the guts to speak his mind despite the consequenses. However, as you are about to read in my next paragraph, it is easy to poke holes in his theories.

Duesburg claims:

Gay men get AIDS from inhaling poppers. Hemopheliacs, (who aren't known for inhaling poppers), well they happen to get AIDS from impure transfusions. And conveniently, intravenious drug uses (who share needles), well it just so happens that they too can get AIDS, but it is caused by the immune-suppressing drugs that they shoot.

But it is all too easy to see through these theories:

There are gay men who used poppers and never got AIDS. Why? Because they didn't happen to get infected with HIV during sex. And there are hemopheliacs who received impure transfusions, but never got AIDS. Why? Because they didn't get transfusions tainted with HIV. And of course there are intravenious drug users who never got AIDS too. Why? You guessed it. Because they never became infected with HIV from needle sharing with an HIV+ drug user.

What do sex, transfusions, and needle sharing have in common? They are a means for transmitting viruses. What a coincidence that these are the same risk groups for aids. Could aids be caused by a virus? Not according to you. Who am I to argue with such powerful logic as yours?

As for Christine Maggiore, I like her site, and I think she means well. She and her son are healthy, god bless them. I happen to agree with her that some can stay healthy with HIV. Her son hasn't taken any test for HIV antibodies, so we don't know if he got it from her or not. (Vertical transmission is not absolute, even with breastfeeding). But if he has it, so far he's a good example of why doctors should have second thoughts before prescribing HAART in healthy children born to HIV+ mothers. And Christine is a good example of why HAART does not need to be utilized in asymptomatic HIV+ people.

The latest thinking is that HIV does not cause disease, but does affect the immune system over time. Therefore, it is possible to have HIV and never get AIDS, even with a compromised immune system. By first avoiding, and then treating opportunistic infections if they occur, many HIV+ people can stay healthy. But before CD4 counts get too dangerously low, HAART can be a life saver. Just ask some of the people on this board who used to be dissidents, but ultimately went on HAART and are doing better than ever.



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