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Reged: 03/13/11
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POZ here by by EX Just Told Me He Tested Positive.
      #254784 - 03/13/11 05:00 AM

This is just heartbreaking.

I was in a relationship with a guy for 7 years. It was a little difficult at the beginning as I am positive and he was negative. He NEVER cared about it and we always played 'mostly' safe... he was 100% bottom and i was a 100% top. I topped him without rubbers for the entire 7 years but never to completion.... I have never once in my 10 years positive been detectable and always took care of myself.... never been sick once...heck i don;t even get colds. He got tested every 3 months and always was negative... seemed like out formula worked for us.

Sadly I broke up with him back in November... he was 100 % monogamous in the relationship... super loyal. After lots of problems the last few years I finally had enough and broke up with him... he took it very hard and still has not accepted it.... it's been a hard few months since the break up. We text occasionally and talk every few weeks and it is clear he is in a lot more pain than I am...

anyway, he came to me today and said he went to a sex club and had sex with a few guys... claimed he bottomed with them but they were wearing condoms. CLAIMS he had no evidence they took the condoms off or they completed inside him... but today (1 month after the encounter) he tested positive. He said the 20 minute oral test he took 2 weeks ago came back negative but the blood work that came back today was positive which led the councilor to tell him it was a recent infection and so he fears something went wrong with that encounter.

Anyway, he is a mess... I tried comforting him but i am harboring a lot of anger and resentment that i kept him safe for 7 years and he threw it all away in one night... then he comes to me for comfort. I then started fearing that maybe he did in fact get it from me....

I tired to find some sort of concrete info on the web about the oral test and i read somewhere that the oral test can show negative up to 3 - 6 months after an infection but then positive after a blood test. If we did not have sex since November (maybe early December... i can't really recall) and he tested a month ago... doesn't that actually mean there is a possibility it was from me? my recent blood work still shows me at undetectable and T-cell count over 800...

So either he is lying about this one and only night at a sex club.... not telling me REALLY what happened that night...not telling me about other encounters at other times.... or the possibility is it's from me... which would destroy me.

Can anyone give me a little insight in to this... i'm super sad... and it is hard because I want to 'rescue' him once again... but the relationship was so unhealthy.... always rescuing him... and i have a fear in the back of my head that he got infected on purpose and it is haunting me...

I know this is a little different than most posts... but I am hoping someone can give me some advice.


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Reged: 02/02/11
Posts: 464
Loc: Thailand
Re: POZ here by by EX Just Told Me He Tested Positive. new
      #254786 - 03/13/11 07:01 AM

Hi Anon,

I don't think that there is any way to tell for sure what happened.

If you had trouble with him putting himself in jeopardy or creating bad situations, and needing to be rescued during your relationship, I think that pattern is pretty well established and that this is probably an extension/continuation of it.

This is just my idea about what happened - it is just what seems to be a likely scenario, since it sound like your ex partner is very much like my ex wife; getting involved in situations that they then will try to use to get us to rescue them from, or gain some emotional leverage over us with. My ex is also a master manipulator and will do anything to create guilt and use that to manipulate me, even at her own expense.

If your method of having sex with your ex had worked for seven or more years, it probably would not have failed in your last few weeks together - it seems pretty unlikely, especially if your VL is still undetectable (according to European studies I have read recently).

It seems likely he went to a sex club, depressed (and maybe wanting to get back at you), and was not as careful as he should have been. He put himself in that situation, you did not. Just because you ended a caustic relationship and decided to move on with your life, does not make you responsible for his actions.

What ever did happen, I think it is clear that you are not responsible for his status, if it is even true, and that he is using or creating this situation to try to guilt you into taking him back or just to manipulate you in general.

My experience, with my ex (who sounds like his twin sister), is that you really cannot have a middle ground with them. After trying a long time to have an amicable relationship with my ex, for the sake of the kids, and her constantly creating situations that I would have to (or feel I had to) go sort out, I decided the only solution was to amputate the relationship completely. Since then, the kids and I are pretty happy, and life is very normal.

Bottom line: don't blame yourself, and don't let him manipulate your actions and emotions. It's not healthy, and you need to focus on your health and keeping it, as you have been.

These are just my thoughts and advice. I hope they are useful!

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