can't seem to accept my status.cry for help. - TheBody.com's Bulletin Boards

im 29 yrs old.living in a small mining town in botswana.i have 3 kids 8,7
just don't give up on me yet please.
i tested positive 12 yrs ago after a relative raped me at the age of 17. and i couldn't tell anybody about it caz he threatened to kill me if i told anybody about what happened.i first tested negative a week after the rape and then 6 months later i was positive.i had nobody ad the first thing that wnt into my head was that i was gonna die.i went into self destructive mode.i drank alcohol and smoked weed.i was living life to the fullest.i was an a student before them but when the coming year came i didn't care much about school and just wanted to enjoy life as i thought i was dying.this went on until we got a visit at my senior school of this group of hiv positive people who wad gone public about their status.i got their numbers and privately called them they helped me talk and walk on my status but never asked me how i got infected at such a young age.i dealled with my status but i never allowed anybody near me for or had any friends.i wanted to keep my secrect secret and was always the tough one among my peers.i had relationships that did,t last for more than 3 months.this went on till i fell i love with the love of my life.i thought he was the one.the relationship went on for a year and i was always insecure about us and drove him to the edge most of the time.i was scared if he found out he will leave me.on the 17 of april 2001 i went back for another hiv test with the hope that i will be negative but it still cam back positive and this time i had the courage to tell my boyfriend about my satus he tried to understand and stand by me but i could see that something had died in him.i so hoped he will love me no matte what.we had a fight one time and he walked away from me i was so streesed i nearly died that day.i got back with one of my old boyfriends and the guy was so loving to me.one day the condom broke i got so scared and the guy then refused to use a condom after that that i got so scared i had a fight with him about it.by then we stated talking with the love of my life.unfortunately 6 weeks later i found out i was pregnant and i told him and we were so happy about the baby.we lived like that until when i was about 5 months pregnant and i told him about the old guy and what had happened.he broke up with me immediately and tried having a back street abortion but it never got me anyway.i was willing t do anything to keep my boyfriend.i was so young needing love and had a virus that i didn't want in my life.i had to break the news aboutmy status to my mother she took the news so well that all she ever did was love me unconditionally.i was dealing with an unmanted pregnancy a broken heart and a virus i didn't want.i delivered a healthy baby girl in january that i fell in love with her the moment i held her in my hands.3 months down the line i met a man i thought i loved and i was pregnant yet again when my daughter was 6 months old.i was trying to prove to my old boyfriend that i had moved on and didn't need him in my life.but deep down i was crying for him to love me.i had twin boys.the father was so loving but i could never give him my heart since it belonged to somebody else who didn't want me at all.we stayed together i went to school to study tourism.my man tried ti rich out to me but ias ust so distance.i got so involved in my school and did a lot of community work with the teenagers of the surrounding villages that i went to college in.
i finished my schooling came back home got a good paying job that saw me travelling a lot.but i was a closed chapter in my life and never wanted to be close to anybody.i had lost contact with my old boyfriend but never forgot him.
last year april i got sick with criptococcal menigities and had to start on arv's but my cd 4 cell count was very high at over 600 and the viral load was undetectable.i stated on arv's and thats when all hell broke loose for me my status became a reality fir me and since then i have been so depressed caz i feel i don't deserve to be positive i was so young when i got this and nobody knows about this caz i act all brave in front of my family and friends.thing got so bad in december when i saw the man i call the love of my life.and i found out that he has move on and he has been married and now is divorced.we communicated for a while and the more i think about him the more i hate this virus that at times it gets so bad that i go for days without taking my meds caz i hate the fact that im hiv positive and i don,t deserve this virus at all.i was so young and the only man i ever loved left me and i believe that if i was negative he would have sat by me and loved me.i can't go for councelling caz im scared to open up to people and can't bring myself to talk about the rape.my man doesn't know about how i got my virus all he ever asks of me is to love him thats all but i can't.he has long proposed but i can't seem to give him an answer.im so bitter.i spend a month in hospital for headaches and the dr's don't know whats causing them and i was refered to see a shrink but i never went for the appointment.what should i do.i haven't taken my med for 5 days now.help me.why am i behaving like this.im pushing the people who love me away.my boyfriend wants us to get married in december but i don't ant to.im so moody most of the time.im not suicidal but i know that if i don't take my medication i will die leving my kids alone.as im writing this im in tears and feeling so ashamed that im eventelling somebody my story o so want to delete what i have written but i wanna do this.why do i feel this way.
hope i haven't bored you and guys don't shout at me i just need somebody i don't know to read this and tell me something without judging me.
thank you so much if you have read this far.

Post Extras: Remind Me!