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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

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Barbdoll
Regular

Reged: 07/30/08
Posts: 39
Loc: Belize
I forgot that i was HIV Positive
      #242803 - 10/20/08 01:52 PM

It has been a long time for me, sometimes i believe way too long. I forgot that i was HIV Positive. So much so that i wonder as i sat on my chair watching time passing me by. I get it, i get that while i'm here thinking about where i go, and what i'm going to do, people are living, people are getting married, having children, going to school, working on a big project and all that, their life just keep going. Sometimes i tell myself that for once i would like people that believe themselves to be NORMAL to once, just once STOP and LOOK and focus on me.
Way too much to ask i suppose. I forgot that i was HIV Positive, so much so that i wanted to find a man and get married. I wanted to have another baby, I wanted to have sex without a condom, hell i wanted to eat anything, I also wanted to just live. Sometimes people will look at me and tell me that I seem so happy all the time, and i say to them yes you are right i do SEEM happy but that's because i am seemly happy.
I hide the truth in my heart, in my body, this blood that runs inside of me, is dirty and stained with sin. A sin that wasn't caused by me. How do i ask for forgiveness from this sin that i did not put upon myself? People don't know that i laugh all day, but when i go home and put my head on my pillow, i cry, i scream, i clinch myself in a ball and bawl. I don't know when i am done. I don't know because i fall asleep. And in my sleep i am happy again, joyful. I don't want to wake up. I hope it is like that when i die, if it is then i don't want to come out of my sleep anymore.

--------------------
Barbara A
Secretary
Belize City Belize
Central America

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daisy07
Member

Reged: 08/11/08
Posts: 10
Loc: Virginia
Re: I forgot that i was HIV Positive new
      #242856 - 10/22/08 11:52 PM

That was very pretty. I dont know if you ment for that to be a poem, but in my mind it was. I can relate to all of what you have said. I too live with this and only the person I am with, my best friend, and my daughter's father know. I know what it is like to fall asleep in my pillow while crying. I know what it is like to be the clown of the group and put up a big front....I hope you do wake up because if you did not you would not be able to share your thoughts with everyone who may think the same thing but can not express it so beautifully....

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Monalisa
Newbie

Reged: 10/23/08
Posts: 1
Re: I forgot that i was HIV Positive new
      #242865 - 10/23/08 07:26 AM

Barbdoll, that was soooo nice. Many feel the same hun, and of course daisy07 is right you wake up because hundreds need your beautifully expressed thoughts. At least one knows is not alone! Life goes on anyway just hold tight


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smoke20
Newbie

Reged: 10/27/08
Posts: 2
Re: I forgot that i was HIV Positive new
      #242928 - 10/27/08 10:25 PM

You totally hit home with the feeling of dirty, tainted, sinful blood. I was recently rejected by a man not because of who I am, but because of something I cannot change. That something happens to be HIV. It has made me feel sub-human and angry. My friend tells me to forgive myself and that he wasn't worth my time anyhow if he was that ignorant. Sometimes I think I was destined to be alone in this world, never to be married and have a mini-me. But now I know that I am not alone, and that other women out there that have the same feeling.

--------------------
single woman and proud of it

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Bet_On_Blk
Newbie

Reged: 10/28/08
Posts: 1
Re: I forgot that i was HIV Positive new
      #242932 - 10/28/08 03:12 AM

I never reply to these things but I wanted to take a moment to tell you that you are not alone and others feel exactly the same, Even us Guys!!! I was thinking the other night How dirty i felt and that i was "tainted" and mourning the loss of children that i will never have! I just found out a few months ago that i was Poz. My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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latifah
Member

Reged: 06/03/08
Posts: 16
Loc: Tanzania
Re: I forgot that i was HIV Positive new
      #242934 - 10/28/08 06:55 AM

Barbdoll I know what your going through...because I go through the same thing..its been pretty hard for me..but you know what "where theres a willl theres always a way"..I pray alot and its helping me heal and also meditating and forgiving has kind of lifted my spirits again..Life is pretty short so when you wake up feeling healthy we have to make the most of it by doing things we love most ..I am here whenever you feel like talking as were both sailing in the same boat. Your never alone.

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Barbdoll
Regular

Reged: 07/30/08
Posts: 39
Loc: Belize
Re: I forgot that i was HIV Positive new
      #242967 - 10/30/08 05:07 PM

Hello BlK, Tks a lot about your thoughts, even though i am far away i feel every word of what most people on here tells me, and maybe that is because i know they know what i am going through. I'm sorry to hear about you, i you are fresh, it has been almost 5 years for me. Every day gets harder and harder and every year gets harder as well. Well talk to each other cause that's what we're here to do... Tks again

--------------------
Barbara A
Secretary
Belize City Belize
Central America

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Barbdoll
Regular

Reged: 07/30/08
Posts: 39
Loc: Belize
Re: I forgot that i was HIV Positive new
      #242968 - 10/30/08 05:22 PM

Hi Smoke,
Well girl i have been rejected soo may times that for me it's like offering them a candy and them saying no. BUT your friends are right, he isn't worth your time darling, people that tell themselves they are NORMAL don't realize how short and important life is. We know becasue we fight for ours every day. They don't have to fight as hard as we do. I do feel the same way in that i believe that i was meant to be alone, but maybe that's not so, maybe it's because of ourself and what HIV has done to us. I tell myself to hang in there maybe you'll fine some one just like you, and hey if that is what i get then that is what i get. I got rejected by a guy a couple of months ago, he wasn't ignorant, he just said, he can't deal with it. I told him i understood, but i really didn't, i didn't understand what there was to deal with???? Get me. I'm a human not a monkey and i don't have scales so i'm definatey not a fish...Don't waist your time on that girl..

Barb

--------------------
Barbara A
Secretary
Belize City Belize
Central America

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Barbdoll
Regular

Reged: 07/30/08
Posts: 39
Loc: Belize
Re: I forgot that i was HIV Positive new
      #242969 - 10/30/08 05:24 PM

Hey Latifah
Tks girl for the message, yes life is short and i pray and thank God for each and every day i am here alive and well.. Take care of you


Barbdoll

--------------------
Barbara A
Secretary
Belize City Belize
Central America

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smoke20
Newbie

Reged: 10/27/08
Posts: 2
Re: I forgot that i was HIV Positive new
      #243006 - 11/02/08 10:30 PM

Life really is short, I'm 29 and not getting any younger. I'm sure there may be someone out there for me, in the future I will approach new relationships with extreme caution and keep my guard up and my expectations low so that hopefully it won't hurt as bad.
I can't get over how much I can really relate to your original post, with the ups and downs of daily life with HIV and all of the extreme emotions that come with it. From my experience, sometimes just taking a moment to simply breathe fresh air, feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin and knowing that I'm still alive is absolutely amazing.

--------------------
single woman and proud of it

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True_poet
Newbie

Reged: 07/16/09
Posts: 4
Loc: Ft worth TX
Re: I forgot that i was HIV Positive new
      #246595 - 07/17/09 12:55 AM

a smile is a frame 2 hide the pain

--------------------
Prophet poet

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