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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

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ragazo
Newbie

Reged: 10/06/08
Posts: 4
positive/negative relationships
      #242621 - 10/07/08 12:10 PM

Hi everyone
I am newly diagnosed and my partner of three mo. is negative. We were so happy and on a great long term track, he said he had been through this before and he could handle it but recently he has been up and down. He seems great and happy but then he is short and a bit harsh at other times. I finaly confronted it and what it boiled down to is he is not sure if he wants to be with me or not. And he is oftten feeling affraid and nervous about his safety and health even though he is usualy the first one to initiate sex. But the question is: Do these ( Poz/ Neg) relationships usualy work, will things get better or should I just let him go. I love him but i also want to be loved back. So if anyone has had experience with this let me know your thoughts.

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AZ85395
Newbie

Reged: 10/08/08
Posts: 1
Re: positive/negative relationships new
      #242635 - 10/08/08 07:21 PM

I have been trying to figure this out as well, seems a little similiar to my situation except that my partner never initiates sex and when confronted just says that he is not very sexual. He doesnt seem to remember that he was at one time like I do and it doesn't really all add up to me. I certainly understand if he is scared, etc......but I expect that we should be talking about what he would feel comfortable with etc which doesnt happen either. It all is making me feel insecure and a bit resentful.

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Minnie
Newbie

Reged: 10/08/08
Posts: 1
Re: positive/negative relationships new
      #242636 - 10/08/08 07:38 PM

Hi Ragazo,

Just want you to know that it is possible! Very much so! I'm a negative, my boyfriend is positive. We've been together for over 3 years now, and I knew he was positive before we started dating.

Obviously it was a challenge in the beginning, but mostly because I didn't know enough about the disease and thought he would die in a few years, regardless of care. And asking your new partner how long he has to live and what his life quality would be like in a few years was too difficult. He was concerned that he wasn't "worth" me and that he had ruined his life. I cannot image how difficult it must be for positive people to tell a prospective partner while fearing rejection.

Knowing that he will likely live well if he takes care of himself and die of a heart attack at 80 like everyone else (as his doctor told me), helped me a lot.

My advice to you is: DON'T give up on finding a partner, even if this one rejects you! Loving people (negative and positive) are out there! The key is giving your partner information (including the emotionally difficult stuff). If he's not ready for it, can't or won't deal with it - then he won't. Give him some time. It's like coming out as gay. It's a process that is likely to be difficult to you, and when you are comfortable enough to tell people, you got to remember that they ALSO need to process it to be comfortable with it.
Personally, I am comfortable with it now, and wouldn't have my boyfriend any other way! The difficulties he has been through, has made him the great person he is today.

Hang in there, Ragazo!

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NEAS5B
Newbie

Reged: 10/08/08
Posts: 1
Re: positive/negative relationships new
      #242640 - 10/08/08 10:53 PM

Hi Ragazo,
My last two partners were also positive like me...which I wanted. I thought I could never deal with having to be so careful...and the possible guilt I would have if they were to become positive from me. The first died from aids...and the second from a heart attack. My third partner is negative,and we have been together for a year and a half now. I was very nervous at first....not really thinking I could cope with a "magnetic" relationship. His love for me was overwhelming...and we share many interests,love to travel etc...so I said to myself...do it ! I love him very much,and we try to be as safe as possible. We are both versatile,and it is a problem with condoms frequently, unless we take viagra/cialis beforehand. In addition,I am diligent about trying to keep my load undetectable...which further lowers the risk.
We are both communicative..and have discussed the risks openly...and have accepted that there is some risk involved. We are both older ...and our love and companionship over-rides the small risk for us. Is this for everyone....no. Your boyfriend may be unwilling to tell you what's going on....perhaps a therapy session together...or at least him and you separately..? Relationships...gay or straight...magnetic or not...have problems which cause partners to drift and sometimes separate. As I can attest to...life can be tragically shorter than we would like....if you feel the open warmth and love from that special guy...don't let (his) negative status turn you away.....unless you really can't deal with it. Junk happens if you are both positive,negative or both. God wishes us all to be happy.

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ScotCharles
Legend

Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 924
Loc: Los Angeles
Re: positive/negative relationships new
      #242647 - 10/09/08 09:45 AM

Dear Ragazo,

I am in a 28 year relationship with an HIV negative man and I have been HIV positive for 24+ of those years. A mixed status relationship can work, but both parties have to agree to continue to work through the issues.

Your negative partner will continue to be worried about sex with you and you have to be sensitive to his worry. It is important not to take his worry personally and instead try to understand his worry. As my dad you used to say you never know a man until you put on his skin and walk around a bit.

Try some mutual masturbation to get used to sex. Your partner will have a fear of your semen, so try to be careful and sensitive, by ejaculating away from him. Once he gets used to mutual masturbation and your semen, you can try cumming on his leg or chest. His semen will never hurt you.

If you are not in a monogamous relationship, your partner should understand your need not to be reinfected with the virus. If you guys are not monogamous, you should avoid oral or anal contact with his semen as your partner should with you.

Kissing, so long as it is not deep, is always OK. He may be afraid of kissing you and you should understand and not press the issue until he is more comfortable.

You may want to try some toys rather than anal sex for while. There are oodles of good toys out there and you may find that a very satisfying sex life can be built around them.

Use only the best condoms prepared especially for anal sex. My partner and I are no longer interested in anal sex, for us it is too active and causes each of us problems. Neither of us really miss it, but then we enjoy toys occasionally. We sanitize our toys in the diswasher on the Sanitize Cycle. Thank god my mother, God rest her soul, is dead for surely she would keel over dead if she opened my diswasher and found a dildo in there.

In short, have fun, talk and laugh. Friendship and shared history build a relationship every bit as much as sex.

I wish you guys the best and hope every thing works out for you two.

Regards,

ScotCharles



--------------------
Life is a river.
Carpe diem.

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Lovinlife
Fanatic

Reged: 08/29/08
Posts: 63
Re: positive/negative relationships new
      #242650 - 10/09/08 01:20 PM

I have had a few long term relationships with HIV- partners and know many people who do the same.
In my personal experience...the guys that have have constant trouble/issues/upset over my status were guys that had a couple things going on
1.they were talking to family or friends about our relationship and those people were making the fears worse, blowing them out of proportion, and discouraging the relationship (one of my ex-boyfriends was devout Catholic and his family threatened to disown him if he continued to date me. We would be getting along fine and having an amazing relationship and then he would have dinner with his 5 brothers and come home and treat me like I was a worthless doormat! Eventually I gave up and stopped trying to fight his family).
2. they didn't know that love and a strong relationship is so much more than sex and fear

If you feel comfortable, maybe you could ask your partner if he's talking to anybody else or looking online for info or just generally going to unsupportive outlets to discuss your relationship or his fears. That could be contributing to his being happy sometimes and mean to you other times.

If you think he is the love of your life then it is worth seeing if you two can get through the storms that might come through your life and i think there are a lot of ways. Perhaps he could talk to your doctor with you or find some totally safe ways to enjoy your sex life--talking about fantasies, mutual masturbation, watching porn together...whatever might help your partner get more comfortable with your sex life.
Mixed status couples can definitely work for many many years. But--if you love to be loved and he's not loving you........he can only blame it on HIV for so long. And, I can imagine that you are dealing with enough things right now and this is a time when you need your partner to be very loving and supportive. I don't know how it's going for you--but when I was in relationships with guys who were constantly fearful and would initiate sex and then back off out of fear...I was so hurt and it was really painful (not to mention sexually frustrating!!!) My husband now is very supportive and we are careful but he is also very loving and we do a lot of things to enjoy a risk free sex life with each other. He is aware that if he cheats and contracts HIV, that would be very dangerous for us both--but for me in particular since I already have HIV. I would like to think that we would be faithful even if there wasn't the issue of re-infection. But, it's great that we can openly talk about those issues and are on the same page and he is supportive.
You should definitely feel confident that you can have a very loving and sexually satisfying relationship as a mixed status couple. If this guy doesn't accept your status, there are many wonderful and loving guys who will love and cherish you with or without HIV. And..it's not just a cheesy thing to say--you'll see a lot of people on these bulletin boards who are in mixed status relationships for many many years.
It does, for my relationship, take talking about and sharing in the experience. We have had difficult patches that we have to work through but he never makes me feel bad about having HIV.





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RayNGrant
Member

Reged: 12/12/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Minnesota
Re: positive/negative relationships new
      #242668 - 10/10/08 12:53 PM

A Neg partner being afraid is understandable and only human. To NOT be willing to talk through the issues IS a problem that cannot be blamed on the HIV.

You're better off without this guy if he isn't willing to talk through the issues and is wishy-washy in his commitment to the relationship. That puts undue stress on YOU which is NOT good for your health. As Dan Savage would say - DTMFA!!!

There ARE guys out there who ARE able to deal with POZ guys respectfully and without paranoid fear of HIV. You'll just have to be patient and persistent in your search.

Good Luck to you!!!


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raggedyandrew
Newbie

Reged: 07/09/08
Posts: 4
Loc: Indianapolis, Indiana USA
Re: positive/negative relationships new
      #242688 - 10/10/08 09:50 PM

Hello Ragazo, Just wanted to add my 3 cents. From what I read and in my humble opinion, I think you would be better off without this guy. If after only a short while he is starting to get "mean," I can only imagine what that could lead up too and you deserve better than that, As for Poz/Neg relationships lasting, I am in one where I am the Positive one (actually full blown), he continues to test negative, We just celebrated out 7th anniversery this past September 3rd and are very much in love. I am so blessed to have him as my life's partner I don't really have a "secret" per say. He has yet to have a serious argument and ever go to bed pissed. He did cheat on me once several years ago and after a while I forgave him, He makes me feel sexy when I feel ugly as homemade sin. I wish every one could have a guy in their life like I do. We are both "OUT" to our families and currently live with my elderly Aunt to help take care of her in her old age, but that's just the type of stand up guy he is I guess. I would have to say communication would have to be the key. I hope this helps and I wish you peace and Light.
Andy W.

--------------------
Red Ribbons are a nice gesture, It is the Red Tape we can do without

Edited by TheBody (10/13/08 08:42 AM)

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ragazo
Newbie

Reged: 10/06/08
Posts: 4
Re: positive/negative relationships new
      #242721 - 10/13/08 05:33 PM

Sounds like he is going through what my bf was going through he is most likely afraid to hurt you aand does not want to be veiwed as mean or the bad guy. So you may have to nicely and be very logical and talk/ force the truth out of him like I did. I gave him some space after he told me he was not sure about being with me, and now he asked me back and I think we both still have our worries but we are both giving it a chance. What do you have to loose if you are currently unhappy, just be calm, hold back all anger, and talk logicaly( there is no use in wasting eachothers time or hurting one another). Be firm and direct you are a person not a virus it does not define us. You are worth allot and deserve love and happiness so remember that and if it does not work out you will find love somewhere else if mine does not work out I will search out someone who is also positive so they will understand me and I will make an exception for someone who is not positive if I think its worth the chance, because I am worth allot.
Good luck Babe=)

Edited by ragazo (10/13/08 05:38 PM)

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RapidProgressor
Newbie

Reged: 08/22/08
Posts: 4
Re: positive/negative relationships new
      #242962 - 10/30/08 11:51 AM

I do not think intimacy is possible with an HIV neg person. It is impossible for both parties to get away from the thought that you can kill him. I guess you could try and HIV poz person, but ironically I would never date an HIV poz person, either, for fear of acquiring a strain of the virus that is more resistant than the one I have. Try celibacy.

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