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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

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borrowedtime
Newbie

Reged: 08/31/08
Posts: 9
easier to give up
      #241818 - 09/04/08 02:08 PM

i tested positive last may 2008 (got exposed february 2008). further found out that i have kidney disease (and advised to go on low sodium/potassium diet, 1500 mg/2000mg per day), type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol and triglycerides. with a pre-existing mild tremors in my body, these added health fears (plus the shame, regrets, financial worries, etc.) sent me spiraling to severe hopelessness. couldn't handle living. quit my job, stopped looking after myself, just wanted to cease living. i'm trying to hang on (for my 13-year old daughter. her mom needs my help in picking her up from school) but quitting is a daily companion. perhaps i'm just waiting for one final push and then just leave, and wander, and wait out my end somewhere.

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Lovinlife
Fanatic

Reged: 08/29/08
Posts: 63
Re: easier to give up new
      #241819 - 09/04/08 03:36 PM

i am new to this forum so perhaps a more seasoned vet should respond...I have been accused of wearing far too rosey glasses...

but, don't give up. Lean on those around you who might offer love and support.

I've seen posts from and read about people who find themselves facing such serious health challenges after diagnosis and then with the right treatment and good doctors their health turns around.

do the best you can with taking care of yourself and continue to think of the 13 year old daughter who wants you to hang on and hang in

best wishes, thoughts, and prayers



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Florida69
Legend

Reged: 02/19/07
Posts: 541
Re: easier to give up new
      #241821 - 09/04/08 03:54 PM

I am so sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis, it is hard journey to accept things and to find fulfillment after a recent HIV diagnosis. I found out I was positive in January 2006. Welcome to the forums. I have a friend who has kidney disease as a result of medications and inoculations; he has been living with kidney disease and being HIV positive for more than ten years. Is the high cholesterol and triglycerides a result of the HIV medications? I know my triglycerides and cholesterol run high as a side effect of my meds. My doctor has been able to prescribe medications to assist in those areas and for the most part they are normal. In fact I am doing so well for the most part my doctor only sees me every 4 to 5 months. Please do not give up hope, children need their parents and know we have come a long way in the fight of this disease. Your life is not over, and you have many reasons for living; your daughter is just one of them. When I was first diagnosed I too felt shame, regret and I pay a lot of money for insurance and medications. You should check out your local ASO for assistance. I was lucky and have a special someone in my life that has stood beside me through all my low points.

My mother was my biggest fan, and she passed away 5 years ago at the age of 50, I miss her dearly. Here is something she shared with me before she died and I hope you find solace in it.


Don't Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will.
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill.
When funds are low and the debts are high.
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit.
Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about.
When he might have won had he stuck it out:
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow –
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out –
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems so far:
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit –
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown


We are always here, if you need to talk or if we can offer any advice. I know that many of us will come to your assistance. Hang in there, and please continue to write and let us know how you are doing. We have all been where you are and know what it feels like to feel despair, you are not alone. D




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borrowedtime
Newbie

Reged: 08/31/08
Posts: 9
Re: easier to give up new
      #241824 - 09/04/08 05:53 PM

thank you florida69 and lovinlife for your message. thank you for sharing your time to write me and offering hope. it's a joy amidst sadness to meet online kind and well-meaning people like you. i wish i can rise above my despair. for now it's enough to hang on one day at a time. i'm not on meds yet so my health issues (kidney disease, pre-diabetes, high cholesterol/triglycerides, periodontal disease, unhealthy prostate) have pre-existed. i just found them out following the hiv diagnosis. and my mild tremors just serve to compound my despair. - dennis

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RevAnn
Guru

Reged: 08/17/06
Posts: 245
Loc: fort myers, florida
Re: easier to give up new
      #241838 - 09/05/08 09:26 AM

Dear Borrowed,

Unfortunatly it takes time to come to terms with what is happening to you. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but for that to happen it takes effort. What I had to do is set a small goal. For me, my first goal was to see my son graduate from high school. So with that goal in mind, I had to do all I could to try to keep myself healthy, not only in body but in mind. So I went to my dr to take care of my body and received therapy for my mind.
My son graduated two years ago! So having achieved my first goal I needed to set a new one. As a joke I told my son he isn't allowed to get married until he is 103 yo, but seeing him happy and maybe even seeing my first grandchild would be an awesome goal.
This is how I did it, but you need to find something that will work for you. Small steps at first. Spend time with your family and consider whether or not you need help to deal with what is going on. Also, remember, life does have up's and down's so no matter how hard you work on it, sometimes you will find yourself in a tough spot. These don't have to last long and usually there are more up's than downs. Find something that makes you smile and hold onto it.
Please don't give up. You do have positive things to look forward to in your life and your daughter needs you.

Sincerely,
Ann

--------------------
Namu-Myoho-Renge-Kyo

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cunta_stalwart
Grand Master

Reged: 06/27/08
Posts: 175
Re: easier to give up new
      #241845 - 09/05/08 11:00 AM

nice words rev and florida, and I hope comforting, I can't really add anything that hasn't been said already, lets hope things improve for all of us over time and hope that research and development will offer us some escape in the not too distant future.

--------------------
How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost

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borrowedtime
Newbie

Reged: 08/31/08
Posts: 9
Re: easier to give up new
      #241863 - 09/05/08 03:05 PM

dear ann, thank you for the message, for sharing your time and goodness to write me and offer hope. i've read a lot of posts on this site and how greatly i admire the strength and courage of many people here. i just wish i can do it, too. it's probably my pre-existing health condition that clouds it. had i only have hiv alone to begin with and no other illnesses, i probably wouldn't be reacting so hopelessly. it's so gladdening to know that you achieved your goal of seeing your son graduate from high school. my best hopes that you also get to achieve seeing your first grandchild. my daughter is a high school freshman. as a father, i know it's not right to abandon her, not until perhaps she can take care already of herself. she didn't ask to be brought into this world, i did it, so it's just right that i take care of her until she's able to stand on her own. it's these thoughts that stop me from giving up. without these thoughts, it would have been much easier to just give up. it's a daily battle. i don't know how long i can do it but for now i'm still going, trying to take it just by the hour, making it through the hour, small steps...

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RevAnn
Guru

Reged: 08/17/06
Posts: 245
Loc: fort myers, florida
Re: easier to give up new
      #241884 - 09/07/08 07:02 PM

Dear Borrowed, you are doing the right thing! Find what ever positive thing in your life you can, and hold on for dear life. It takes time. Even if you had no pre-existing conditions, you would most likely feel the way you do having tested pos. You are right where you need to be for this moment, but please try not to dwell to long there.
There is hope and sometimes we need to squint our eyes real tight to see it. I promise you, though, that it is there. If you ever want a more private conversation, please pm me.

Sincerely,
Ann

--------------------
Namu-Myoho-Renge-Kyo

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Seekyah
Member

Reged: 10/13/07
Posts: 21
Loc: Entertainment Capital of the World
Re: easier to give up new
      #241888 - 09/07/08 08:02 PM

What ever you do DONT GIVE UP...there is always someone worst off than you. Get yourself into some group counseling..pick up a BIBLE and read the BIBLE...it'll give you hope, faith and courage. If you can't do it for yourself than do it for the 13 year old daughter who loves you very very much

--------------------
Seek God

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RevAnn
Guru

Reged: 08/17/06
Posts: 245
Loc: fort myers, florida
Re: easier to give up new
      #241896 - 09/08/08 08:23 AM

Seekyah,

I would ask that you be careful about telling someone to pick up a bible, not all people on these boards are christian. As such, this is not a place to preach.

Thank you,
Ann

--------------------
Namu-Myoho-Renge-Kyo

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borrowedtime
Newbie

Reged: 08/31/08
Posts: 9
Re: easier to give up new
      #241916 - 09/08/08 11:18 AM

thank you seekyah for your message. with my hiv diagnosis, i've really been making an effort to submit everything to God's will. it's a constant tug-of-war, giving up or leaving it up to God's will and die a natural death. whichever will occur, only time can tell. for now, with God's kindness, i'm still keeping on...

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ScotCharles
Legend

Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 924
Loc: Los Angeles
Re: easier to give up new
      #241943 - 09/09/08 11:10 AM

Friend,

You are seriously depressed and you need to get to a doctor, best a psychiatrist, who can help you with medications and techniques for battling depression.

This is from someone who knows. I lived for years depressed and suicidal. The only things that got me through and continue to get me through were positive attitudes. As an example of what I mean - "HIV may kill me tomorrow, but today is mine."

The AIDS virus directly attacks the mood controlling centers of the brain, that is why so many of us with HIV experience depression and anger out of proportion to the our surroundings. This alteration of the brain's structure begins to happen at the time of infection and will continue as long as you have the virus. The effect of the AIDS virus on the brain has nothing to do with CD4 and viral load as the brain sits in a protective barrier that lets in the AIDS virus, but blocks most AIDS meds. And you thought you were going insane!

Don't obsess about HIV in your brain either. The brain is remarkably resilient and it can recover from the effects of the AIDS virus for a long time. In my case, the effects were noticeable in 1992, became more pronounced in 2005, and disabling in 2008. I was diagnosed HIV+ in September 1984, so I have managed to have a quality life for nearly a quarter century. To think I was told to get ready to die in 1984!

Be of good cheer, get to a psychiatrist who can work with you to get your mood centers working right again, and live for today, tomorrow is a day away (to paraphrase Annie who got it wrong since it is Today we should love).

Cheers,

ScotCharles

--------------------
Life is a river.
Carpe diem.

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borrowedtime
Newbie

Reged: 08/31/08
Posts: 9
Re: easier to give up new
      #241952 - 09/09/08 02:55 PM

thank you for sharing your time and message to me. getting help from a psychiatrist, at least for the try of it, and get medication for depression i guess is worth doing. my understanding, however, is that it's not covered by medical insurance. if yes, i probably can't afford it.

it's so amazing to know how long you've lived a quality life battling hiv. what source of strength for starters like me. i don't have similar strength of will and courage like many others here (so much easier really to give up) but it's been another day and i'm still trudging along, grateful, amidst the uninvited sadness and cares.

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ScotCharles
Legend

Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 924
Loc: Los Angeles
Re: easier to give up new
      #241964 - 09/10/08 11:15 AM

If you have insurance through your employer, then in all likelihood, your health insurance covers mental health in the same way that it covers other conditions. This coverage is madated by federal law. Many states also mandate coverage for mental health for private insurance policies and those employers not covered by federal law (goverments and churches mainly).

Friend, we guys do not seek help for mental issues as much as we should. It is a part of the "buck up" machismo that is drilled into us as boys. You are not a wus because you admit you can't just buck up your way out of depression and its attendant effects, anger, anxiety, and mania. And the meds for depression will not make you into some Wilbur Milquetoast tripping through the tulips. You will still be able to get angry, but with meds you likely will not be carted off to jail. Believe me, you don't need to feel the pain of depression to be a man. You can get help and still keep your cojones.

I have survived, friend, for 24 years, one day at a time. You will do the same. How you do it is up to you.

Regards,

ScotCharles

--------------------
Life is a river.
Carpe diem.

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