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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

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daisy07
Member

Reged: 08/11/08
Posts: 10
Loc: Virginia
Why am I not as happy?
      #241673 - 08/27/08 07:31 PM

It is funny I go through the post and read about all of these people who are feeling great, happy to be alive, and moving on with thier life. Me on the other hand....I am still self medicating with alcohol, crying nightly, and struggeling to survive from added medication bills and co-pays. I can barely look my friends in the face because they do not know about my postive status because of my fear of rejection. I continue to feel like I am below others and It has been a year and a half since I have known. Things are not getting better, time is not healing......cant think of any other sayings. So all those who feel like me drop a line because it is o.k........ and it would be nice to know that I am not alone.....

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RevAnn
Guru

Reged: 08/17/06
Posts: 245
Loc: fort myers, florida
Re: Why am I not as happy? new
      #241694 - 08/28/08 06:36 PM

Daisy,
You are not alone. It took me almost two years to come to grips with my infection. Time, though, can't heal with out you doing something to help it. Maybe you need to find your local ASO and ask for someone to talk to. You maybe surprised to find that talking to someone face to face, will make you feel better.
If you need to talk, just pm me.
Ann

--------------------
Namu-Myoho-Renge-Kyo

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teardrop
Newbie

Reged: 03/14/07
Posts: 9
Re: Why am I not as happy? new
      #241697 - 08/28/08 08:55 PM

You're not alone Sweetie...I too, feel like you do. I was diagnosed in Sept. 2001 and still haven't told friends and family...and never will. I'm undetectable, cd4 is 721, and I
don't look sick so the game goes on. I, also like you, feel inferior to everyone. Everyone else can be themselves, have unprotected sex with their spouses, and live happy normal lives...I walk on eggshells everyday and avoid things so I won't have to explain my actions...I'm living in a "bubble" and it sucks....! However...I'm trying really hard to be blessed with what I do have. I have all my fingers and toes, I'm above average when it comes to intelligence, Most guys think I'm hot, I'm 36-26-38 with reddish brown hair, and I'm really a lot of fun to be around when I forget my status for at least a little while and I have a great job, I have an apartment, and my own car. A LOT of people don't have half the things I do, and I try to remember that. I'm sure you have some special things about yourself that you're proud of...focus on those things as much as you can. Will you ever be 100% happy? I don't know the answer to that...some people in here say you can be...I'm skeptical and so are you which is understandable. Maybe you and I both, when we least expect it, will find someone or something that will make life wonderful again...then we'll be in here saying how things can change to someone just like us now.... Good luck to both of us....and everyone else like us... :-)

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3bg
Newbie

Reged: 08/28/08
Posts: 1
Re: Why am I not as happy? new
      #241698 - 08/28/08 10:50 PM

Sorry to hear you are so unhappy. I remember being so down I was nearly suicidal when I was first diagnosed positive. I found a terrific psychiatrist that save my life. I had never seen or even considered a therapist before...but this wonderful person started me back on the road to living.
I still suffer from some bad moments and often wonder if I am the only one with this damned stuff when I am walking around or at some social function.
I have shared my positive status with no one.....maybe that is a mistake because it sure would be nice to talk with somebody sometimes.
Good luck to you and please don't be afraid to ask for some help.

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billyjames
Newbie

Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 3
Re: Why am I not as happy? new
      #241700 - 08/29/08 01:31 AM

Dear Daisy07,
I know what you're going through. For me, I found it necessary to keep reminding myself that for everyone, pos or neg, life is only a gift. None of us has it very long. It needs to be celebrated, not bemoaned. Anyone who rejects you because of your medical condition is no friend. Get them out of your life.
There are millions of people who take regular medications to stay alive. They often face terrible diseases with courage and fortitude.
Try not to dwell on the negative. You're alive!! Yikes!! Count your blessings. As Auntie Mame said: "Live! Live! Live!"

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soaringfeenix
Newbie

Reged: 04/02/08
Posts: 3
Loc: California
Re: Why am I not as happy? new
      #241701 - 08/29/08 01:35 AM

It took me close to 4 years to finally accept happiness into my life. I self-medicated with crystal meth and alcohol to no avail...the pain, lonliness, and isolation only grew for me. I chose to get clean from drugs and alcohol...which took a lot of willingness, honesty, open-mindedness, and courage. I also chose people in my life, just a small few, that i could tell about being positive. that helped so much because i didn't feel like i was hiding in the dark anymore. i am much happier these days but there are moments where i feel angry, upset, disappointed, guilty, ashamed.....then i reach out to my friends and actually they aren't poz. I did start looking for people who are poz so that i can relate to them and it helped so much. Try visiting http://www.hivaidstribe.com this is where i have found a lot of online friends. my user name is feenix if you wanna hit me up you can . take care.

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Xcharles
Newbie

Reged: 06/26/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Macon, GA, USA
Re: Why am I not as happy? new
      #241702 - 08/29/08 01:39 AM

SURPRISE! With HIV anything you do is more than likely something someone else has done previously. Your depression included.

Why are some people happier than others? Walk down a busy city street and ask yourslef the same question. Some people are just going to be happier.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with your being depressed. I think everybody goes through depression with this disease. The thing is to not get mired down in your depression. Cry. Stomp your feet. Hit pillows. Yell at the television. You should be angry. You should be depressed. But, realize that at some point in the future (hopefully not the distant future) you will have to rejoin the rest of humanity.

What can you do to get through this depression? Educate yourself! The more you know the better you'll feel. Part of the problem with HIV is it's a disease of headlines. Get into this website and read the facts. Read about treatment. Go through the "Ask the Experts" section and just read every question and answer. Know that no matter how bad you think you've got it someone else has always got it worse.

I've been HIV+ for 20 years. I went through my time of depression. I went through my time of denial. Then I woke up one day and started my time of education. My last test results were an undetectable viral load and a CD4 of 854.

Don't look to the person next to you for when you should be through your depression. It's all an individual thing. Seek out a support group and go. You won't have to share if you don't want. But, you will be surrounded by people who have been in the game for many years longer than yourself. They'll be able to offer support and knowledge. And, being in a room with people like ourselves is always a comforting feeling.

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garret99
Member

Reged: 01/31/08
Posts: 15
Re: Why am I not as happy? new
      #241703 - 08/29/08 04:43 AM

HELLO, I WAS ALSO DIAGNOSED ABOUT THE SAME TIME AS YOU...AND I CRASHED HARD AND ALMOST DIED. WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL I WAS PRETTY MESSED UP BOTH IN THE HEAD AND BODY. I HAD A CD4 COUNT OF ALMOST ZERO...ITS BEEN A HARD ROAD BACK...BUT WHAT TURNED IT AROUND FOR ME WAS THAT I DID TELL MY FAMILY AND CLOSEST FRIENDS.....AND I NEVER LOST ONE. AS A MATTER OF FACT IT BROUGHT ME CLOSER TO THEM...I AM NOT ADVOCATING PICKING UP THE PHONE AND TELLING EVERYONE YOU KNOW, JUST ONE OR TWO, PEOPLE YOU ARE CLOSE TOO. THE OTHER THING THAT REALLY HELPED ME ALOT WAS EXERCISE, WALKING AT FIRST THEN MORE STUFF LATER, I ALSO STARTED TO TAKE ALOT OF VITAMINS AND EATING REAL REAL HEALTHY WITH AN ALMOST FAT FREE DIET, MAN IT WAS HARD, BUT IT WAS MY OWN WAY TO FIGHT BACK....I STILL GET SAD AND ANGRY BUT BECAUSE OF FAMILY, FRIENDS AND EXECISE I CAN COPE BETTER.......YOU CAN DO IT, YOU HAVE TO. GOOD LUCK..G

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mcinjxnms
Newbie

Reged: 05/22/08
Posts: 3
Re: Why am I not as happy? new
      #241704 - 08/29/08 06:58 AM

Finding out that you're positive (or any other serious medical condition) is a loss, whether it be similar to the death of a loved one, a broken relationship, or being fired from a job. It's important to know that people respond to loss by mourning in different ways and in different lengths of time. Personally, I reacted much the same as you, and it took four years before I pulled out of the spiral. Amazingly, during those same four years, I found a new circle of friends who became my personal "psychologists", a medical community who embraced me as an individual both mind and body, an activism group who gave me a voice, a church who gave me a spiritual sanctuary. Each combined with the other, and gave me the strength to face my close friends whom I feared being rejected, and there were a couple who shunned me. More importantly, that four year process brought me to a point of loving myself, and the destruction stopped two years ago. Yes, life is good again. I may not be running and shouting "Hey, I'm positive" but I do share my experience with others, and the few rejections I face indicate their problems, not mine, yet, if I can reach just a couple, maybe they won't ostracize the next HIV+ person they meet. For the record, my mom's death 13+ years ago took my ten years before I could enjoy Christmas again, before I could celebrate her birthday or Mother's Day with a smile, or remember the happier times more often than the moment she died in front of me. So, it takes time, patience, and finding your way, and a hug (I'm sending you one now in spirit!) from people walking the same strides before you as well as along with you. That way, when you get down, they're there to make sure you don't beat yourself up too much. With love - Mike

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Lovinlife
Fanatic

Reged: 08/29/08
Posts: 63
Re: Why am I not as happy? new
      #241705 - 08/29/08 09:24 AM

You're definitely not alone! Many newly diagnosed go through rough spots...and the rough spots can last days or years. And...the people who say they are feeling great and are so happy to be alive--did their work to get there....both physically and spiritually coming to terms with their diagnosis. SO--hoorah for them for working hard to pull themselves up out of the BS of stigma, depression, and the crappy tangle that is our medical system.
For one thing, if you continue to drink alcohol, you are just encouraging deeper depression. Alcohol burns up your B1 (VERY important for feelin happy and stayin healthy!) and one of the symptoms of a B1 deficiency is depression. So--get yourself off the sauce, luv.
And...everybody needs a network. Every successful person has a team that got them there. So, if your friends might reject your or say something totally stupid (I had some guy friends at a dinner party one time say that they would definitely know when a girl has HIV/AIDS cus she would stink). Needless to say, I gave them an earful and asked them if, by the way, they thought i smelled bad seeing as how I'm positive. And----these guys are no longer my friends. But, the friends that would reject you for being positive aren't really friends at all. (Sorry to be cliche...but it's the truth.)
If you can't fess up to your friends....join a support group of other HIVers. We've all been bummed out, depressed, scared, fed up with medical bills.

The medical system here in the U.S. is crap. You have to view it as a game and know you're going to hit tons of red tape and BS with insurance, medicaid, whatever it is. There are so many resources to help get your medical bills paid---you don't have to struggle. Just take time, be patient, and try to wade through everything out there that exists to help you so that you aren't struggling with your bills. If one door closes and won't help with your bills, go to the next option available. Ask if your Drs office has a couselor who will help you with resources to help with bills. It's a ton of paperwork but saves thousands in the end.

You aren't below anybody. Ever. Unless you put yourself below them. So, find your network of supporters---even if it's here....and get happy!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can do it!!!!!!!!!

I bet you are really smart and an amazing person and have tons of years ahead of you to find happiness. It's there....it just takes A lot of work to pick yourself up after the blow of a HIV or AIDS diagnosis.



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teardrop
Newbie

Reged: 03/14/07
Posts: 9
Re: Why am I not as happy? new
      #241709 - 08/29/08 03:34 PM

Very well said Lovinlife...I hope these wonderful messages have helped a little bit Daisy...I know they helped me a little...I'm always here if you want to talk again...I need someone to talk to most of the time and just might call on you too~
Teardrop

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leonidas
Member

Reged: 07/24/08
Posts: 15
Re: Why am I not as happy? new
      #241714 - 08/30/08 05:07 AM

Hello there!! I would like to know more about you and your situation to be able to understand if you have any reasons to feel so sad.
I am 32, I discovered my status 3 years and a half ago, when I was 3 months pregnant, from a guy who didn't love me. I knew my status the same day that I had known that I had pre-cancer cells, I needed a surgery and the doctors didn't know if I could continue with my pregnancy. 2 weeks later I found that my boyfriend was daiting other girl too. I was sharing a flat. My two flatmates and friends left the house (personal reasons) and I had to find new ones. Single mom, living in Madrid, no family support.... My friends were my first support. They have been there always for me. My daughter was my hope (and is my reason to live now). And a few months later, I found out that one of my two new flatmates, a guy from Michigan, was the love of my life! He has adopted my daughter and he is the best guy I have ever met. I knew I was positive before we started dating. I just wanted to tell you that you never know what has been reserved for you...
I have never feel rejected because true friends stay with you no matters what happens.
Here you have a friend! Sorry for my English. Take care and start enjoying life

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pozartistsd
Expert

Reged: 01/04/08
Posts: 105
Loc: San Diego, CA
Re: Why am I not as happy? new
      #241756 - 09/02/08 02:13 AM

you probably are clinically depressed and need meds for that to get you thru. I know i am. I mean i have my virus under control, have a good life in terms of money, friends, family etc, but still every day i want to stay in bed all day and not face the world. i don't feel physically bad, just not motivated to do a thing. depression is a chemical imbalance, i know people say, snap out of it and get yourself busy and things will look up but i firmly believe sometimes you need to combat the physical imbalance with drugs (prescription ones not self medicated street drugs and alcohol). Much luck and i hope you find happiness soon.
Mike

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