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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

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car2d2
Newbie

Reged: 07/20/08
Posts: 4
My outlook from hiv
      #240843 - 07/20/08 10:36 PM

Anyways I just wanted to share my story and see if anyone can relate. I'm 21 years old and in March 2008 i found out my positive status. I was totally scared at first like everyone who gets the news that they are positive because obviously hiv is a scary thing. I believe that I caught the virus in late November of 2007. The seroconversion was the worst sickness in my life. 2+ weeks fully in bed with a 100+ fever. I didn't feel fully better for another 2 months.

months went by from November and I constantly had the thought of getting a hiv test done but was still hesitant. I finally got tested and learned the sad news. The days were so sad because i was grieving for myself and I so happened to tell my family and they were grieving for me also, so it was a pretty sad family then.

I know there are reasons to hope that I can still live a perfectly (so called) normal life when/if I need to start taking the meds. my numbers are 254 cd4 270000 viral load and my doctors took a antiviral sensitivity test and luckily my hiv isn't resistant to any of the hiv meds.

With contacting hiv I have reached a new low in my life. I just wish things would get better. I have always wanted a bf but being positive has made it so much harder to find one and the motivation has gone away. Motivation on a lot of things has gone away because the fear of rejection and the dirtyness I feel inside.

I would like to say that Hiv hasn't totally screwd up my outlook on life but it has. Now I say to myself "What's the point of starting the hiv meds, I know I have a high viral load but the thought of not taking them hopefully dieing from aids hopefully in the next 10 years to be so much more gratifying. I'm suprised I haven't done something so foolish yet because of this.

The dreams i thought I could achieve are now 100 fold more harder. I know I'm now just rambling on now but I had to let it out.


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Florida69
Legend

Reged: 02/19/07
Posts: 541
Re: My outlook from hiv new
      #240847 - 07/20/08 11:08 PM

Welcome to the forum, I am so sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis. The medicines these days are very tolerable, SO don't stop planning for your future, you have a lot of years ahead of you, you will more than like die from something else as you would HIV. Many people like the support of groups and such things, I prefer this type setting. There are some really great people in this forum, and I am confident that you will get all the information you need. I also know that you have to stay dated in your research, read only the most current information. Everything has changed in the last 10+ years. Good luck to you.. HUGS.... D

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oldwoman
Guardian

Reged: 05/12/07
Posts: 435
Loc: Phila,Pa
Re: My outlook from hiv new
      #240852 - 07/21/08 09:05 AM

Much of what you write I could have written four years ago.It's perfectly normal to feel this hopeless when you get news like being HIV+,but believe me,you will feel better about all of it one day.Right now you are grieving for all that you think you've lost with this diagnosis,but you'll find that you're still the same person you were before you got HIV.As far as having a boyfriend that's still possible,give yourself time to come to grips with what you're going through right now and it will happen.Right now give yourself time to get used to the idea that your life has changed in a big way but you will go on,talk to your Dr's,nurses,social workers and who ever else is there to support you.Go to a couple of support group meetings,even if like Donny you prefer the online support,it will be good for you to actually meet in person other people who are positive and living normal lives.
Give yourself some time,take your meds when you get put on them and come here as often as you need for support.You will get through this and come out a stronger person.
take care
Terry

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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: My outlook from hiv new
      #240854 - 07/21/08 12:04 PM

I just want to say hello and wish you well.

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: My outlook from hiv new
      #240869 - 07/21/08 11:46 PM

Boy you sound just like me about 4 years ago.. It aint all that bad honey... But the asimilation takes a bit of time. You only have one life to live, dont waste it on to much self pitty and shit... You will get through this and all these feelings will change and turn into something else. Might as well focus on the positives and quit relishing in the negative.. Your 21 years old and will see a very long life span.. What you choose to with your life is yours and yours alone to do with as you like. I would just hate for you to throw in the towel this earily in the hiv game. You have not experienced anything yet. Give it a chance. Learn from this. Thats the whole reason we were placed on the planet to grow and learn and help others. I hope you can see some beauty around you. HIV gives us that ability. Breath, relax, your going to get past this stage if you let it. Only if you let it.....

As for your numbers, I presume you are getting tested again perhaps in two months since diagnosis to see where your trends are pointing?? Keep us informed and know we have stood on the cliff along side you many many times. I have now backed away from the edges but still like to push the envelope from time to time... But I am still here and yes, so are you..

Hugs,

Eric

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August69
All Star

Reged: 03/22/08
Posts: 79
Re: My outlook from hiv new
      #240871 - 07/22/08 01:58 AM

My Partner contracted HIV we think back in 2004. He still does not need meds. His numbers are good and he gets monitored to make sure they stay good. Unfortunately I on the other hand contracted HIV June of 2007. My numbers did not rebound (I seem to have a more aggresive version than he does). Since I started Meds back in Dec 07 my numbers have improved tremendously. My VL is now down to 54 and CD4 is up to 570. slowly coming around. I feel healthier than I have in a long time.

I have seen many friends come down with HIV and have seen some die of the complications. I have had roomates that were positive, it will come down to just another aspect of your life. Yes you do need to have the progression monitored, but it is now controlable if you take the advise of the doctors and take the medication when and how they prescribe.

I had a good friend stop taking his meds and within 9 months he had taken his last breath. It was the hardest time I have ever spent as we were roomates at the time. Hard to watch someone you care about waste away.

The point is you do not have to go down that route. The meds now adays are easier to take, easier to handle, and are getting better and better. You have a LONG life ahead of you and you should NEVER give up. My partner and I just bought a condo with a 40 year mortgage back in February 08. I expect to be here to make the last payment. (yes I will be 78 when that happens LOL)

Read up on this disease and please try to remain upbeat. Yes you will go through all the stages , denial, rage, acceptance, etc. If you ever need anyone to chat with please feel free to e-mail me. This site has been a tremendous amount of support for myself.. even just reading about what other people are going through helps. Good Luck and please know that life will get better. HUGS

Brad

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dancin_man
Newbie

Reged: 07/22/08
Posts: 3
Loc: New York City
Re: My outlook from hiv new
      #240890 - 07/22/08 03:20 PM

you are not alone. this can't be emphasized enough. the sooner that you realize the easier it will become to deal with this intense life changing situation.

i understand all of your fears and worries. i am 25 and found out 6 weeks ago that i am HIV positive. my initial reaction was that i would not let this virus take control of my life, and i want you to be assured that it does not need to take control of yours. you have a very important decision to make, to continue living or to just give up.

i refuse to compromise any of my goals both personal and professional. my aspirations are still high, and if anything, being diagnosed positive has only motivated me even more. it has taught me that my life is limited and to aggressively achieve all that i want.

i understand your fear of never having a partner, that you will be judged and looked down upon because of your status. but you want someone who will love you for you. my dearest friend said something to me so poignant when i told them about my status. "You are still the same you." You are still the same you!

Feel everything you are feeling, it is healthy to process, but please please please dont look at this as the end. This is simply a the beginning of a new chapter in your life. If you need to talk anytime, i'm totally available....as someone your age who is going through the same thing.

Take care, my thoughts are with you.

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Samurai
Fanatic

Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 68
Loc: Texas, USA
Re: My outlook from hiv new
      #240902 - 07/22/08 08:23 PM

I was pronounced full blown AIDS in May of 2003. I'm 54 now and in excellent health with no side effects at all from the pills.
Here in Texas we have a way of handling such tragedies.
We have a good drunk, a good cry, and wake up the next day yelling NEXT!
I refuse to let HIV determine my life. I forced myself to be happy and thank God I got it now with the great medications we have.
Millions of great men before me did not have my luck.

HIV is now an easily managed chronic condition unless you have a bad version or resistant strain. Don't make HIV worse than it is.

And don't you believe for a second you cannot find love. You have your youth, and probably still good looking.

And there are plenty of positive guys to date. Join the Strength in Numbers (SIN) chapter of your nearest city and meet the guys. If you like older guys many are rich, and would love to find you.
You might consider positivesingles.com too. The young ones on that site get hits threw the roof !!! You will have your choice of many good men of all ages.

Hang in there; It will get better I promise.

~Bob

--------------------
I am forever amazed at the abundance of hydrogen and ignorance in the universe.
~Albert Einstein

Edited by Samurai (07/24/08 10:29 PM)

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coloradoguy
Newbie

Reged: 07/24/08
Posts: 1
Re: My outlook from hiv new
      #240961 - 07/24/08 07:33 PM

I agree with what others here have to say. I would encourage you to start meds, however. NOTE-I am no doctor, but everything I have read suggests better results begining meds sooner than later. I myself, freaked out when I had a CD4 count of 385 and began meds almost immediately after my poz results. AGAIN-this is just my two cents...nothing more, but from my own experience the side effects from the meds are not nearly as bad as the fear from simply reading about the side effects.
Life does go on buddy, and like many others have told you...you are not alone. I was diagnosed about 2 years ago and since then I now have undet viral load and my CD4 is 980 or something like that.
Wish you the best, but please remember hiv is just one nasty thing in the world. It doesnt pick a person because he/she is bad, has done something wrong or for any reason for that matter. Shit happens in life, but we move on.
Take care man.

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teardrop
Newbie

Reged: 03/14/07
Posts: 9
Re: My outlook from hiv new
      #240962 - 07/24/08 07:46 PM

I used to feel the same way and at times I still do. However, each time I start thinking this is the worse thing that could ever happen to me, I hear about a soldier that just got killed in Iraq, I see another soldier walking with a stick because he only has one leg now, and then I see a retarded child that doesn't have a clue what's going on around him, but he seems to be happy anyway....Listen...I don't like this disease any better than anyone else, including you, but it's not as bad as other tragic events that could happen. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be confined to a wheelchair because you're quadraplegic? I think I wouldn't want to trade places with them...They probably wish they only had hiv so they could at least run, and play, and do all kinds of things like we do. Keep your chin up Sweetie...and don't let this destroy you...k?

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Brian360
Member

Reged: 07/24/08
Posts: 12
Loc: Vancouver, Wa
Re: My outlook from hiv new
      #240964 - 07/24/08 09:28 PM

Keep your chin up! And definitely take your meds! I realize that there seems to be no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow now...but someone will come along that will sweep you off your feet and make the world feel a whole lot better!

After not taking my meds for the first year, I was diagnosed with the big "A" word in late 2005 and a CD4 of 0. I've been fighting ever since. What keeps me going? I don't know to tell you the truth. I'm enrolled in college and presently going through some kidney stone complications caused by all the medications. But there's a small light that says that HIV will be curable in my lifetime...and if there isn't, at least I gave life my best shot and didn't give up just because the odds were against me.

I've learned to live how my body feels and not by the numbers anymore. As long as I can be somewhat normal, live a normal life..then why should I be deprived the pleasure of living it. You're right, the relationship and sometimes the friendship thing is a little tougher cross to bare but you know what...there is support all around you. If not by your family, your closest friends and support groups! And there are even people on here that will help you stamp out any demons in your life that seem to be popping up. You are truly not alone in your fight!

Keep in mind that there are people that have been living with this for over 20 years. The medicine regimen can be a b*tch to accomodate..but you WILL get used to it and it will become as routine as brushing your teeth.

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baker
Newbie

Reged: 07/24/08
Posts: 1
Re: My outlook from hiv new
      #240965 - 07/24/08 10:51 PM

it will be ok guy my lover is is poz . i love him so so much u will find someone . if feel the same way as u did. i have to so i love everyone with hiv

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garret99
Member

Reged: 01/31/08
Posts: 15
Re: My outlook from hiv new
      #240967 - 07/25/08 05:21 AM

Hey Buddy, I do not reply to very many people but after reading your letter I decided too....I have been positive for 6 years, and I remember all too well the shock and the pain from it....I believed for quite along time that life was over....so I did what alot of people seem to do, I ignored it, and for 2 years I did not think about it and lived a hollow life with what I thought had no future.......Then when I least expected to I met a girl who became my wife and who has been the best thing that ever happened to me.....so dont give up, ever .....everything that you want is still there, and you can have it....regards and well wishs, g

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Nuala
Newbie

Reged: 07/25/08
Posts: 1
Re: My outlook from hiv new
      #240968 - 07/25/08 07:52 AM

Hi There,

I am a HIV + woman who tested positve at 25 and now 12 years later, I am living a very fulfilling life here in rural Ireland.
Yes, like you it was a huge shock for me but I promise you in time you will see that it is not all doom & gloom and there is life after HIV.
although i have no support groups that i can easily access where i live , I managed to get a good counsellor who has benefited me greatly over the past few years and I myself now work in the area of counselling and I am studying to become a Psychotherapist and I dont think my life would have taken this road if I were not HIV, so Life is good, stay positive and you can still fulfill all your dreams, I am a perfect example of that! good luck to you From Nuala here in lovely green Ireland

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Ryan1980
Newbie

Reged: 07/18/08
Posts: 2
Re: My outlook from hiv
      #240969 - 07/25/08 09:17 AM

Good Morning... I wanted to post a reply, as it sounds as though you are going through what many people with HIV are going through. The constant thoughts about how will this virus affect you, how will it cause your outlook on life to change, etc. One phrase says it all.... "DON'T LET IT!" I cant say that loud enough, or enough times to make it mean what it needs to mean.

Living with HIV can be difficult, but you need to try to stay as positive (no pun intended) as possible while trying to deal with the psychological hardships that come with having the disease. The dreams that you have set out to achieve are not 100 fold harder, they are maybe only 2 or 3 fold more difficult, and the only reason for that is because of the self-stigma that comes with having the disease. What I mean by this is, when a person has HIV, it is very common for them to second guess what they can do, when they can do it, will they have time to do it, etc. I was diagnosed over 5 years ago, started meds right away, met my boyfriend, and have since started Nursing school to become a nurse and eventually a nurse practioner with the intent of working with HIV positive patients.

I would like to make a special note on your numbers, and your thinking about whether to start meds or not. If your seroconversion was in November of 2007, and your positive test was in March of 2008 with a CD4 of 254 and Viral Load of over 250000, it would be extremely beneficial for you to start meds sooner than later. The meds will help your body fight the virus, and get it under control, while allowing your body to recover and increase its immunity and ability to mount immune responses to both the virus, and any other sicknesses that you may get. I started meds right away, and my numbers went from 1,000,000+ down to undetectable, and my CD4's increased significantly, now over 1200. Its very important to start meds right away, so that your body can work on getting itself back to optimal.

Don't let the virus get you down, and don't let it take control of your life. You will go on to achieve all your dreams and goals, as long as you keep those dreams and goals in mind and work toward achieving them.

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