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Reged: 04/16/08
Posts: 1
Does the severe depression stop?
      #238536 - 04/16/08 06:00 PM

Well, its been just over two years since I was diagnosed, but probably five or so since I became infected with HIV. I live in the very closeted Colorado Springs area where people don't disclose their status often, which led to my getting infected. Now, I have never been a really happy person growing up since I figured out I was gay at the age of 8. 29 Years later, my depression has grown into a sick, daily routine, which I find difficult to shake. Maybe I have not accepted being positive or maybe I don't have the willpower to deal with it anymore, but I have never contemplated suicide in my life as much as I have in the last two years. And its getting worse. My boyfriend and two friends are the only ones who know except my boyfriend's family. I have been a cop for over a decade and the sigma associated with being gay was bad enough, but HIV is not even discussed. I find myself struggling to even make it through the day given I have the means to end it all on my hip everyday I work. Every once in a while I go so far as to chew on the barrel of my gun but can't pull the trigger. How do others cope with this? Any other cops have the same problems?

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Reged: 02/19/07
Posts: 541
Re: Does the severe depression stop? new
      #238537 - 04/16/08 07:31 PM

You have so many things to be grateful for, let us start from the beginning, you have a committed partner who loves you. There are so many people in this world who do not have anyone that loves and supports them, unconditionally. I too was diagnoised a little over 2 years ago. You have an honorable profession, imagine the head line GAY HIV+ COP SHOOTS HIMSELF. Honestly, being gay makes you a little better than the average joe (no offense to any average joe's) but you have a flare for style and you love men. That is like heaven for most women, and guess what they love you too. Depression is part of life, I think it is time for you to seek professional help, there are many psychologist that are educated and trained to help you. Deprssion is hard for anyone to "shake" on their own. You never know you may have a chemical imbalance or some other issue that is causing the depression. Have you discussed your depression with your ID doctor, I bet they can give you a referral. Being positive is no different than being diabetic, or high blood pressure. There are a few things we should be grateful for, we were diagnoised when the medications to treat HIV are 1000 percent better than what they were 10 years ago. Honestly, HIV is a private thing, it is not something that you should even be discussing with your co-workers. I gotta tell you the only people who know about my status are the people that are closests to me, and that I trust. It is time to take back your life and seak someone that can help you, chewing on the barrel is not an answer, it is the easy way out. Be a fighter, and a standard setter. I thought in order to be a cop you have to brave, I believe that you are. You have so much to be grateful for, you have a family that loves you, a partner who probably thinks you hung the moon, and guess what elese you have support in this forum. Please talk to your doctor for a referral for a psychologist that can help you, I know it is difficult to ask for help. You have started that here, and now it is time to seek someone that can really help you. I hope you feel better soon, and welcome to our famly here at the Body. Good luck, D

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Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: Does the severe depression stop? new
      #238538 - 04/16/08 07:33 PM

Its sad that anyone has to deal with this kind of depression. Mr Cop, I know you recognize that your problems started long before becoming HIV positive, and even if HIV is a problem, there are some serious underlying issues you need to deal with.
Number one: coming to terms with WHO YOU ARE.
If I were you I would be seeing a psychiatrist on a weekly basis. If you have to ........take a medical leave of absence from work and check into a health center where your problems can be dealt with. If you have a good job I assume you also have good insurance which will cover that kind of expense.
I wish you all the luck in turing your life around.

6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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New User

Reged: 04/09/08
Posts: 6
Loc: UK
Re: Does the severe depression stop? new
      #238557 - 04/17/08 02:21 PM

Hey my friend!

Do not worry about it, the depression is a very hard condition to cope with! I have been depressend and had panick attacks before but it goes away!!
so if u need to talk to someone just get in touch!

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Reged: 01/04/08
Posts: 105
Loc: San Diego, CA
Re: Does the severe depression stop? new
      #238560 - 04/17/08 04:09 PM

hey officer... everyone here put it pretty good (as usual). but to reiterate... you should definitely see someone about treatment for depression, whether it be counseling, meds, etc. these days i think a person has to be "crazy" to not have depression and just about everyone, at one time or another, experiences it. it's how you handle it that matters. as for being gay and a cop... it's the new milen. it seems pretty commonplace to me. as for being a cop and having HIV... It seems to me that is a profession where you guys are more aware of this than most. From what i know don't most cops take precaution with perps (sorry don't know the right adjective) etc.? For all your peers know you could of been infected (just as any of them could of easily of been) on the job. being HIV, healthy and a cop to me would indicate a very strong constitution and character. I know you know all this and easier to say than to make others realize. all in all, it's a good thing you are acknowledging your condition (depression) and taking steps to remedy it (posting here is a first step in the right direction, ie: calling out for help). you've fought HIV and conquered it, it would be a waste to loose yourself/life to depression. my doctor tells me that when i dont stick to my diet/exercise routine: "it would be a shame to beat HIV only to have heart disease kill ya" good luck and god bless and please dont off yourself as we have few enough police already.

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Reged: 07/26/04
Posts: 31
Re: Does the severe depression stop? new
      #238818 - 04/28/08 01:13 AM


I can somewhat relate to what you are going through. I was right in the middle of a military career when I tested positive. I tried as hard as I could to hide my status but as you can imagine, the military periodically tests you for HIV and my test came back positive. My life suddenly became an open book. I have maintained my military career and my unit has been good to keep my status under wraps. However, it is hard to constantly have to avoid answering too many questions. I have to walk quite lightly and be aware of all of my actions and words. The depression does get easier to manage. It is quite helpful to develop a support system and seek counseling. At 34 years old, I truly feel like HIV has forced me to see life differently. However, I have learned that it is still worth living. I also understand that I am an accomplished person and no one can take those accomplishments from me. Remember, you influence so many lives everyday through your profession and you will continue to touch lives. We are all here for you. Treat yourself well and keep your head up!

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New User

Reged: 02/24/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Queens, NY
Re: Does the severe depression stop? new
      #238933 - 05/01/08 03:46 AM

Hey pozcop,

I just read your add and I have to tell you I really hope that by now you have already began looking for professional help as a psycologist or any other mental health care professional. I was diagnosed in January 1999. I felt that my life was over. Even though I did not use the services of a professional mental health care person, I must insist that you do. We humans are very diverse from one another and some of us are extremely weak, while others are a little stronger. I can tell you that for my own experience. I have two brothers that are drug adicts. They are even grandfathers and they are still hooked in the drugs. One of them decided to separate from his family to go into a program at another state, suposedly to recover from the adiction, but I know his chances of recovering are very slim. I say that because I know my brother. He has always pretended to be right when he has been all drugged and expected nobody to notice it. I feel sorry for my brother, but I can not finance his adiction. I do not have any adictions and I have struggled in life to get the things I have. I feel very much for you. Please, do not end your life. Life is so short and precious. I am a Federal Officer myself and I can relate to your position. I keep my status secret from my family and friends. The only persons that know my HIV status are my ID Dr and the pharmacist at the VA Hospital where I go. Yes, I am a also a veteran. Aside from the VA Hospital, I don't think anybody else knows my HIV status and I plan on keeping it that way. Life is much easier (for me) that way. I have experienced lots of episodes of depression. I do not have a partner, like you do. I do not have the support that you may have from your partner. However, I have a lot more to live and so much to do in this life, sometimes I feel time is not enough and I wish I had a time machine so I can stop time and catch up with so many things in life, but I take life as God alows me to. I want to share with you my way of thinking about life, and that is: "Your life does not belong to you. It belongs to GOD. Life is a gift that GOD gave you. Whatever you do with your life is your gift to GOD as payment." Again, please, do not waste your life. Look for help. I wish you all the best and keep us informed. Thank you and may God bless you.


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