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Funnyguy8
New User

Reged: 03/25/08
Posts: 3
Just sort of confused
      #238008 - 03/25/08 05:29 PM

Iím pissed. Not the British way, but down home American style pissed. Really, Iím fuming. My family is being great about my telling them I have HIV. Theyíve gone to the doctor with me and theyíre helping me get into the swing of things to live a healthier life.

My friends are being super supportive and arenít acting like Iím the guy they canít come into contact with. They act as normal as they ever did.

My co-workers ask if they can do anything to help and regularly offer to come with me to doctor visits when Iím not going with my dad.

And I feel pissed. And I have no idea why. I have no reason to be. And even writing here I feel terrible because I donít think itís right of me to complain when really Iím getting all anyone could want in this situation besides a spontaneous cure.

Everyone is supporting me and when ever I feel low about this they are telling me itís going to be ok. Everyone is saying itís going to be okay. And I just want to smack them all and say ďlook I donít feel okay about this!Ē But that would be wrong, because they are supporting me. I shouldnít let all this get to me, but it is. When my family says this isnít just happening to me, but to them as well, I want to ask them if they know what their t-cell count is.

I donít want everyone telling me its ok cause itís not. Ö But then Iím being severely insensitive. They are trying to help. So that means I shouldnít be whining, right. Iíve got more than most people so I should stop feeling like my world just came crashing down two months ago right?

I just want someone to tell me that I should be thanking my lucky stars that I have people and get on with my life. Cause thatís what I should be doing. I know that.

But for some reasonÖIím still pissed about it.

And now Iím pouting.

God, I'm an idiot.

--------------------
If you laugh you'll feel better. I promise.

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Jackie__Blue
Veteran

Reged: 01/20/07
Posts: 1186
Re: Just sort of confused new
      #238009 - 03/25/08 06:39 PM

Awwwww.....pissed at friends and family trying to be supportive. It's OK. It's even normal.....just don't stay there too long. You're missing too much in life when you are feeling sorry for yourself. You will feel better...and even as I hesitate to say...it will be OK. In the meantime....focus that frustration toward a weeble...remember those big weeble punching dolls....weebles wobble, but they don't fall down. Find one. They do wonders

It's OK to be pissed. It's an honest emotion. We've been there.

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picaropsv
Member

Reged: 01/05/08
Posts: 49
Loc: Spain
Re: Just sort of confused new
      #238014 - 03/26/08 03:21 AM

Hey Funny!

I don't think you're an idiot. I actually wish I were more pissed than depressed (well, I'm not that depressed either, but there are days....). You don't say just what you're pissed about but one can imagine it. At least you are able to recognize it and write clearly about it, your post is pretty right-to-the-point. It's not advice, but you might want to find out just what you are pissed about.

Anyway, I hope you keep posting, I found your note really clear and understandable. And, if you are anything like me, maybe writing about it will help it all become less not-ok and more ok. I don't know if time heals all wounds, but it sure does bring perspective to the situation. I'm pissed at myself for having done the first blood test. I'm pissed at myself for not having taken better care of myself around the time of that first blood test. I'm pissed at the "world at large" for the attitudes that have been developed towards our "curse". And yet I find a little ray of "hope" in your post, your friends, your family, even your coworkers seem to have a reasonable attitude, something that I couldn't count on. I'm pissed for having to enter the HIV+ closet, when I've never been in any closet.

Keep sharing with us, I, for one, am interested!


--------------------
peace,
picaro.

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Choosing2Liv
Veteran

Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 581
Loc: South
Re: Just sort of confused new
      #238017 - 03/26/08 09:55 AM

Quote:

I just want someone to tell me that I should be thanking my lucky stars that I have people and get on with my life.




Ok Guy-

I'll tell you what you want to hear. YOU SHOULD BE THANKING YOUR LUCKY STARS THAT YOU HAVE SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE.

You're NOT an idiot for feeling confused, but you ARE a very fortunate man to have so much support. Be grateful for your well meaning family, friends and co-workers, and realize that there are thousands of us who would LOVE to have a few people like that in their lives. (Please feel free to send some my way. LOL! )

Now, as for feeling pissed, I kind of understand that. No one wants to hear that life is peachy from everyone. Life's a bitch when you have our disease, but they have no way of realizing that because they are not in our shoes. So try to grin and bear their comments. Hearing their rosy comments is much better than hearing them blame, shame and loathe you.

Keep posting man, and if you need to whine, please feel free to do it here with those of us who understand.

All the best to you,
-Gary

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oldwoman
Regular

Reged: 05/12/07
Posts: 435
Loc: Phila,Pa
Re: Just sort of confused new
      #238022 - 03/26/08 05:19 PM

Of course your pissed,your life has just changed completely and not for the better.I remember that feeling too,pissed at myself,pissed at whoever I got it from,pissed at the scientists who didn't have a cure yet,pissed at the Dr who kept sending me for more blood tests....and taking it all out on the people I felt safest with,my family and friends.Thankfully they were understanding and I got over it but there for a while.....When your not feeling so upset let them know that you appreciate the support and if there is something that someone says/does that really does upset you tell them about it in a nice way when your calm.For me it was my Mom telling me how great I looked since I had lost so much weight(60 lbs in 6 months)she didn't realize that when I looked at myself in a mirror all I saw was a wasting away AIDS victim getting ready to die.But we got through it and now I'm happily fat again!

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funiam
New User

Reged: 02/24/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Queens, NY
Re: Just sort of confused new
      #238029 - 03/26/08 11:38 PM

Hey Funnyguy8,
As some others had said before, you are pissed at the fact that life had brought you to this undesirable reality of being HIV+. We know the feeling as we have felt the same way when we found out about our cruel reality. On the other hand, I want to tell you that you can consider yourself the luckiest HIVer on earth with so much support around you. I myself keep my HIV status a secret from everybody, except my Dr. The reason for it is that I am so afraid that my family will reject me, and so my friends and dont talk about coworkers. I think, if I let anybody know my status, my whole world will fall apart, I will have no support from anybody and that would really kill me. As I am now, I live a normal life and no one even know that I am HIV+ and that I am taking Atripla for some time (except my Dr). I wish I had one tenth the support you have. Again, I think you are one of the luckiest persons in life that I have known of. God bless you always!

Keep posting, express yourself and let your feelings out in this forum. It helps a great deal and you will feel better with yourself. We are here for you.

funiam

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positive1
New User

Reged: 03/26/08
Posts: 2
Re: Just sort of confused new
      #238035 - 03/26/08 11:48 PM

I understand where exactly your coming from I was diagnoised almost 2 years ago while I was 5 months pregnant. I kept it a secret from everyone except my boyfriend. He is not infected and is quick to tell me I'll be fine. At first I wanted to tell him that he didn't have any idea whether I would be or not. Now after some time I have really researched this virus and am reassured that I could still live a long and happy life. I hope that in time you will be more comfortable with dealing with this virus just give it some time.

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Alan_Brand
New User

Reged: 03/27/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Re: Just sort of confused new
      #238038 - 03/27/08 05:15 AM

I can also concur that so often we are told all is ok especially in the beginning and no matter who and how often we are told this it just does not feel that way at all. It seems that everything is a mess and one feels pissed as you say. I think it is critically important to give yourself the space and time to feel pissed and frustrated and everything else you are feeling as without feeling these real feeling and openly expressing that you feel that way you will be deniging yourself your own right to feeling what you are. I do know that it gets better later and this feeling will pass but then again every now and again I simply feel pissed again and then I say to myself that I give myself permission to feel pissed it is ok i do not have to feel in control all the time. Hell no feel pissed you deserve to feel pissed.
Love and light
Alan

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pablitomon
New User

Reged: 03/29/08
Posts: 1
Re: OK to be confused new
      #238121 - 03/29/08 08:16 PM

Hey man.. I'm sure its OK to be p... d. Anger sometimes help us survive. Only those of us who have seen the abyss and have it look back at us know what you are going through. I was diagnosed in 2001 and ever since at each Labs visit, a cold sweat runs up and down my spine like the first day. It takes a special kind of soul to withstand the punch that this situation hits us with. I run away from home when I was 15. so I kind of practiced a trick or two. whenever I was hurt or felt devastated because this or that. I allowed my pain to come out freely. I used to cry like a baby. Actually more like a howling for about 20 or 30 minutes. Tired, red eyes and face wet in tears; i would get up, dusted my self off, grabbed a beer and turned the TV. I wasn't ignoring the situation. I allowed some kind of "mourning" and let my soul to express my suffering. It was an enormous effort. Tons of good energy melted into tears. Some how, don't ask me how; exhausted I just got up and went on with life. I had no choice. I was all alone. No mother, no brother, and no partner can help me deal with it. Not even religion could do it. Only me, my self and I. We all three got together and agreed to cry lots and lots for 20 to 30 minutes and after that We three agreed to move on. Now; the fact that this has worked for me all these years does not mean it will work tor every one.
In 2005 I was diagnosed with cancer. Whoa !!! That was a real kick in the B...ls. My mind shut down. Survival was my only concern. Today I'm not 100% but hey.. there might be others in wheelchairs, or no arm or no leg (s). To close; you my friend will find your answers in your little head. If you wanna cry, Do it !! If 20 minutes is not enough for ya, well, plan a session, say Thursdays at 8:30 p.m. Grab a large pillow, find a corner in your room and let it rip! We spend so much time looking for our Master Teacher and we have him right under our noses!! Greetings to you man!!
Cheers,
Pablito

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mamaangie
New User

Reged: 04/23/08
Posts: 3
Re: Just sort of confused new
      #238725 - 04/23/08 06:17 AM

I know exactly how you feel. When I was diagnosed, I had a tcell count of 6. I had been very sick for almost a year, with many horrible things happening to my body. I am already on my second medicine. This is a horrible disease. So many people tell me that, "But you don't die from it anymore, not with medicines." I almost did die, spent a week in the hospital, 3 weeks after starting meds. What no one realizes is how long it takes to start feeling well again, and what you have to go through to get there. There for a while, just knowing that I might not die wasn't good enough, because I felt bad enough that I didn't know if I would want to live like that. Please know that being pissed is perfectly normal.

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ScotCharles
Veteran

Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 924
Loc: Los Angeles
Re: Just sort of confused new
      #238730 - 04/23/08 10:33 AM

It is perfectly fine to be pissed off about having HIV/AIDS. What is not fine is to remain pissed off. You will ruin your life and become one of those sad, bitter people that other people avoid. I am not counseling that you ignore your anger and go tripping through the daffodils singing tra-la-la. In my book ignoring anger is another form of denial. Perhaps you should find some outlet for exploring your anger, maybe in these pages.

Generally, people progress through stages of denial, anger, dispair, deal-making and acceptance. Very few people achieve lasting acceptance. I have not in my 24 years with HIV. I still experience anger and dispair at my condition after all these years. However, I know the peace of acceptance, which for me is the knowledge that without doubt my life is unfolding as it should and the miraculous is all about me. Nevertheless, sometimes all that is about me is a sea of crap and I have to pull myself out into the sun again.

Go explore your life, poppet,

ScotCharles

--------------------
Life is a river.
Carpe diem.

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