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Goods Labs but Feeling Like Crap
#237450 - 03/13/08 11:28 AM
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Hello All,
I met with my doctor, and she said that my numbers are improving largely due to being on Atripila. HOWEVER, my liver enzymes are up and my weight is up -- AGAIN. That's a 30 lb weight gain since I began meds in Aug. '07!
I'm feeling & looking fat and having difficulty sleeping at night (and getting up in the mornings). As a result, this is leading to a further lack of morning exercise and eating more to mask my sorrows, which leads to more weight gain and greater depression. Then the cycle continues. There's got to be a way to stop this crazy ride!
Sorry to sound like a whiner, but I have no place else to vent.
-Gary
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Bear60
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Legend
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Reged: 12/21/05
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Hi Gary
Nice to see you.
It does sound like a viscious circle. Let me think.....you have been diagnosed HIV positive....your wife freaked out and your marriage broke up. It really seems you have every right in the world to be a little depressed. I read articles about depression and...one article said that there is too much emphasis on depression being CLASSIFIED AS A DISEASE or something to that effect. The bottom line in the article is this: depression, like happiness is normal. Whats not normal is if the depression interferes with your ability to function...to go to work or date or stuff like that.....or if it becomes chronic...long lasting.
Hey, take a year or two to work things out. Remember when you were first diagnosed? You probably thought....."i'm dead. My life is over" and all that stuff. Now you are just starting to get into that ...."oh ok...I am in this for the long haul" phase. Give yourself a break Gary. Maybe take a vacation if you can ....to someplace where you can get a little wild and crazy.
Take it from me.....depression is a way of life for some of us. I include myself in that catagory. I wish I were not depressed all the time. I wish I could go back to being the carefree guy I was when I was 25 but I am not that person now. I have to learn to live with who I am now. I am not there yet. There are moments that I catch a glimpse of what life would be like if I were not depressed and I savor those moments. Kurt and I recently went to Florida ....it was sunny and warm and we swam in the pool and it wasnt cold and snowy like here in in PHILLY. That was nice.
--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia
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franfrog
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Legend
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Quote:
I'm feeling & looking fat and having difficulty sleeping at night (and getting up in the mornings). As a result, this is leading to a further lack of morning exercise and eating more to mask my sorrows, which leads to more weight gain and greater depression. Then the cycle continues. There's got to be a way to stop this crazy ride!
You know Gary I have the same problem. As Bear said though, depression I think is going to be a part of life. The only thing I have to sisagree with him on is the fact that when I was first diagnosed I was "in it for the long haul" now I feel like "how long do I have?"
I know this is going to be something that I fight to the end!!! It defenitly does not help in my depression aspect of it.
You have all the right in the world to feel like you do. Talk to your doctor though. Depression is something that can be treated.
You are not a whiner either-that is why we come here. To get advice and support. Never feel like you can not get that!
XOXO
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Bear,
Thank you VERY much for your encouragement. Where I come from, good husbands and dad are supposed to "suck it up" and "deal with it." I'm happy I can come here and not worry about being "strong." I can just be real, feel depressed and still feel okay.
I'll take your advice and try to savor the good times.
Gary
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Hey Fran-
Thanks for your response.
Although I can just hear my dad telling me to "stop whining like a woman," it's good that I can do that here and not be judged as weak or a looser. I appreciate your support.
Knowing that I'm not alone really helps. Thank you for reminding me that you and others are also dealing with these kinds of feelings. Maybe drugs (the legal ones) might help.
XOXO 2 U 2!
-Gary
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impoz
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All Star
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Reged: 10/12/07
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Hey Man,
Hang in there focus on the positive, your numbers are good and for us (HIV+) people its better to gain weight than to lose it right, we all care about you here at the body.
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Hey Gary..glad the labs are good. You are entitled to feel anyway you want to feel. As Fran says, depression is treatable. It is sometimes tough to break that cycle..sleep, depressed, eat. And from experience, I know its easy to slap on the weight with the Atripla. Hang in there.....maybe some antidepressants will help.....its tough sometime..but think about how much nicer it is to be on this side of the dirt. We are all here for you.
Sending you more big hugs and XXXX's
Bernie
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oldwoman
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Guardian
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Reged: 05/12/07
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Hi Gary,I agree with Bear,depression is a fact of life sometimes,and with everything that you've mentioned that's happened to you it's not unexpected that you would feel depressed.The good thing is you want to change it.I think that's the first step towards feeling better.Think of what you can do to break the cycle,if exercising is too much try just taking a walk around the block each day or something small like that.Talk to your Dr,I know you probably don't want to take any more pills but an antidepressant will probably help and it doesn't have to be a lifelong commitment like the HIV meds.When I was first diagnosed I was put on meds for about a year and since then I've been fine--OK maybe I'm not a shining example of mental health,but I'm not depressed any more.
Come here and vent anytime you need to and maybe think about getting away on a vacation if you can manage it.Even if you just get away for a day,no place special it can make you feel better.
Good luck and take care
Terry
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Well G we have all had our bouts of depression. I understand the mentality about having been taught to suck up and be the strong one. You deserve to be vunerable and you also deserve to have a life that is just yours. I agree with Bear (which I think I have told you), you need to give yourself some time to adjust to this new life. Live your life for yourself. It is great that you are such a good guy, but remember what we were taught about nice guys finishing last. Get out and live and love yourself, we all see the wonderful person underneath the tough exterior. Life has a way of handing you lemons, you have to make a physical choice to squeeze them, add sugar and ice to make some good ol' southern lemon ade. I gained almost thirty pounds myself since I started meds, but since I have been on this diet since the middle of January I have lost almost all the weight I have gained since I found out my status. You are a strong intenillgent person and you and I both know you can do anything you set your mind too. So get out let yourself get a little wild and enjoy your life for yourself. Take care, D
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Terry, Bernie, Impoz & D-
Thanks for your support and encouragement. It is amazing how powerful a kind word and helpful advice from friends can be. You and the others are better than ANY anti-depressant....although I WILL talk to my doctor about prescribing one.
Thanks for showing that you care, by taking the time to respond. Don't tell my dad, but I'm actually teary-eyed. 
With Warmest Regards,
-G
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impoz
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All Star
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Real men are not afraid to cry, And I really believe a good cry now and then as a man makes us stronger.It takes real strenght to be a compassionate caring person.then to be hard as nails and unemotional. Hang in there Bro
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picaropsv
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Regular
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Reged: 01/05/08
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Hey guys and gals.
My MD asked me before starting Sustiva if I were a depressive kind of guy and I told him no, not more than any human being. The Sustive sure seems to add to the instensity of those unpleasant feelings, but it is not directly the one-and-only cause of it. Nor is being HIV+. Nor is having to change totally my attitudes towards basic things in my life like health care, sex life, social life, partner life. My work life, thank god, is pretty stable and is not affected and does not worry me as it once did, but there are so many other little things that some days all seem to get together and say "get depressed" and I wake up crying and feeling beaten all day. The best that I have been able to do is get on with it, enjoy my day, realize that worrying about those problems will not make them go away, that I can only deal with one of them at a time, some of them I simply will never be able to change, so why bother, you know what I mean? For me, taking another pill is not an option, because I don't feel that my depression is chemical, and the pill will not make the partner want to have sex again, will not make me any richer, will not heal my teeth, will not make the virus go away. I'm not going to hide from what's going on in my mind. Feeling blue is the first step in "sucking up" to the situation, if you don't feel blue, how are you supposed to know that something is bothering you? Not to say that an antidepressant won't help, sometimes we need a helping hand, but I also think taking things one at a time is an important part of the deal, as many have already pointed out. My support to you, Gary, and to all of us who just feel like shit some days!
--------------------
peace,
picaro.
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pozartistsd
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Expert
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Reged: 01/04/08
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hi Gary! i'm in much the same boat as you are (as most have been, I'm sure) except for the liver thing. I know i would feel much better if i exercised and ate healthy or in moderation but im yet to do this and i too have gained lots of weight and eat to comfort myself. I think with lots of us, i know it was this way for me, we are so caught up in the panic of dealing with this at the start, our adrenalin kicks in so we can get all the things done we need to do (ie: get treatment and make sure all the logistics are in place) that we don't let ourselves settle down long enuf to really get depressed. I mean of course we are devastated but the mere fact that we are busy getting systems in place prevents us from really thinking it thru and falling into depression. I'm like you in that now I'm "out of the woods" labwise/healthwise and seem to be on a sort of autopilot mode. I have everything in the world to be thankful for (except for the one big obstacle of course:))! I still have to fight to keep from falling into the deep hole of depression. In my case i think it's a sort of complacency as well. the other funny thing is i have been in and out of shape my whole life and i can recall the feelings of depression related to my being overweight and unfit vs the "high" i got from being ultra fit. As I'm also getting older, i'm thinking this depression is not all related to having HIV as it's so familiar to times i didn't know i had it. I've given myself an ultimatum: I must start eating healthy and exercising regularly. in addition to that i'm going to keep busy doing the things i like to do. if after all that is in motion i still feel sad then i will look into taking an antidepressant. I know this is tmi! sorry! i'm sure you know this but for some, if you keep yourself busy (like we were when we first had to deal with HIV) but with things you enjoy doing, (hopefully you have a job that you also enjoy!) then less time to think about our situation and be depressed, right? you tell me! good luck and let us know what happens!
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Survivor
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Legend
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Hi Gary... Some very thoughtful words here.. I here, "new life" come up from time to time... Why do we make so much out of something so little?? Drum it up, make it larger than life. Pour every ounce of energy into it. Wrap yourself up in it like a warm blanket. OR stop that shit... I will NOT allow the action of a virus on my body to change the way I do things. I work, I play and I do what the doctors advise. It is very little out of my day to day chore. Granted, someday, things may and or will change. But for now, I hit 60 at a tuck on the mountains, I work 80 hours a week and very respected in what I do. I to am a depressive, its a genetic thing for most and if your predispositioned for it, then you need to take action further. I am a strong advocate for mild anti's to help you find your way out of the box. Then once you are there you learn how to stay out of the depression zone. Now some are more serious then otehrs. But you Gary, putting your mind to it. Making an action plan, changing up your routine is the only way you will kick this back. Quit planning so much for your future. Just today my man, its just today... I was happy with just a single moment in time that I could capture serenity. Now those single moments have become minutes and now days...
Eric
(recovering drama queen)
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Eric, even though this is directed at Gary. I want to say that you are awesome.
bernie
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