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picaropsv
Regular

Reged: 01/05/08
Posts: 49
Loc: Spain
Electric Dreams
      #235128 - 01/11/08 04:02 AM

The expression isnít mine, Iíve read it elsewhere, but it seems so appropriate that I borrow it for this thread.

Iíve always been a vivid dreamer, spent years noting down my nightly adventures in other realms, making indexes, comparing notes, looking for messages. Thereís that blonde woman I donít know who shows up from time to time to give me some kind of lesson; thereís the dream of walking on unstable ground, be it a sandy beach, be it a muddy path, my feet sinking in, unable to move forward without Herculean effort; thereís the feeling that Iím not going to make it on time, be it for a meeting, a flight, a journey that means much to me; there are the flying dreams that lift my spirit and color the day that follows them with optimism.

Since beginning the ARV regimen of one Truvada and one Sustiva a day, some of the dreams have become electric. The doctor asked me before beginning if I were a depressive person and I answered ďNo, not more than the average person who suffers the average ups and downs the average from time to time.Ē The first night after taking the little peach colored pill I saw faces emerge from the wall of my hospital room even before falling asleep, faces that rose up and looked at me and laughed at me. The waking hallucinations stopped after only two days, but the electric dreams occur with certain frequency.

Of course, Iíve read of others who experience these electric dreams, who believe these dreams have been brought on by the drugs they are taking to prolong their lives, drugs that seem to be keeping those opportunistic ailments at bay. Iíve read that many older men (am I an older man now? Iím only 48, but find myself in the ďolder VIH+Ē group now) are taking antidepressant drugs that help them face the new psychological challenges that being branded and taking ARVs have brought into their lives. Yet, I look at the actual dreams themselves and ask myself what they are trying to tell me. Today I only remember three that I can share, the first two are recent, from this past week, the last is of this very morning that had me waking with the feeling that no one desired me, that no one would ever desire me again as long as I live.

#1, I am one of three or four police men called to handle some situation at the entrance to a skyscraper in a large city. We are standing in front of some revolving doors and I decide that the best thing to do is to remove my uniform and wait in my underwear. Nothing happens for a moment; suddenly a group of dangerous men flow out of the building: I am frightened, I run to a neighboring set of revolving doors and try to hide behind the glass entry and I awake.
#2, I am watching children play in the street. One group is playing with firecrackers and another boy is on his bike. He rides towards the group who throw a bunch of firecrackers at his face, he nearly falls off his bike. They run to escape, he pursues them, taking a jumping ramp to fall with his bike on the leader of this group. He begins beating on this boy with his fist and I awake.
#3, Iíve gone to the dentist, the wait is long but the dentist and his aides are actors as well, I am invited to participate in the preparations for a presentation. A young man and I escape to a place under a viaduct and begin to play with one anotherís penises, cars driving by can see us, he is totally excited while I am unable to get an erection, one car stops and the driver compliments him on his size and I awake. This time in tears feeling undesired for life.

I guess I am inviting others here to share their electric dreams. I donít know if it will help, but it might. I feel I have to go further than just complaining about having these dreams and the waking feelings that go with them or even bring them about. I feel that I have to share the dreams themselves, they are part of my thoughts; though I am not looking for dream analysis, I am indeed looking for meaning in what my brain is processing when my waking beliefs are not forcing me to be cheerful, not forcing me to hide behind my excellent physical health, not obliging me to pretend that there is nothing wrong so that the people who know me and trust me donít brand me as I feel branded by the doctor, the nurse, the press, the world at large.

I think ďif only it had been cancer, at least people would have felt sorry for meĒ, which may not be a legitimate thought, but it is a thought anyway. While in hospital, for example, many people I know saw me wasted in the bed with tubes in my chest and wished me well, the reality was that I had pneumonia, anyone can suffer a bout of pneumonia; what would have been the reaction of these same acquaintances had they known that the pneumonia was supposedly brought on by my compromised immune system caused by that dreaded 20th century plague? I canít say because I couldnít be honest with them to find out, the results would probably have been horrible. The proof lies in my partner who does know and who has ďrejectedĒ me as a result. He can not see beyond the VIH to the pneumonia, he sees only the VIH.

Soooo, I invite others to share their electric dreams: maybe, when there are a few, we can better understand, each of us as individuals, what our thoughts are trying to tell us. My personal quest concerns my feelings of not being desired. My partner does not desire me. I can not expect to be desired by unknown men. I can no longer simply have irresponsible anonymous sex with the threat of bringing on the branding to another innocent person. Even if I find another person in my situation, what had been sex in the past is reduced to what it is now (no need to go into details here, itís not the theme of this thread, heehee). Any more dreams, or thoughts?
Thanks for reading my diatribe.


--------------------
peace,
picaro.

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douglass
Member

Reged: 01/10/08
Posts: 23
Re: Electric Dreams new
      #235179 - 01/12/08 03:50 PM

ok i have vivid dreams all the time esp. in the early morning hrs. several times i am dreaming about my job-- have not worked since 2004- and will wake up and call to make sure everything is ok. other dreams are so real i have a hard time separating them-but it all works itself out- i am convinced the trazadone i take at night is the culprit- as far as the desires of your partner i dont understand because my partner of 23 yrs still desires me and we have a very active sex life and i still get cruised when out in public- which i think is sorta cool-but makes me realize that too many people still cruise for sex in public places and are having alot of unprotected sex- just go to the park or the mall bathroom u can actually catch people cruising or blowing each other off- anyways keep having your dreams but dont put to much thought into them-

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whocanfigure
Guru

Reged: 09/01/07
Posts: 231
Re: Electric Dreams new
      #235182 - 01/12/08 07:17 PM

I have been on Atripla for a year. I have a lot of electric dreams. Every morning if i have a dream I write it down in a journal. Its interesting to look back. I dreamed someone threw a bucket of sand on me when I was in my prom dress..I am 55, haven't been to a prom in a long time!! I dream of x-boyfriends from 25 years ago, I dreamed someone broke into my house and took the phone and nothing else....Its all weird but interesting dynamics. Could be worse!!! LOL
Bernadine (Bernie)

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slagkick
Newbie

Reged: 01/10/08
Posts: 4
Re: Electric Dreams new
      #235189 - 01/12/08 10:47 PM

I have had many vivid dreams. I have never heard of Electric Dreams. I will look into this term. I had been on Sustiva for a long time and I did have interesting dreams. While the dreams themselves weren't important, the colors are what I remember most. I can see the blue vividly, and every now and then a bright green. These colors are very surreal. There are a lot of clouds in my dreams, too. I think I look forward to my dreams ... I only have nightmares when I am sick ... which isn't that often ... except for colds.

In the original posting of this thread, something raised my eyebrow. It was mentioned that you would have liked for the people to feel pity for you as if you had cancer. This is not a quote. I understand exactly what you mean. It is as if we all suffer in silence. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me but I would like to be open with people without the fear of rejection or the look of disgust. I feel like maybe some people look down on people like me who have this disease. Who knows ... my interpretation may not be accurate.

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picaropsv
Regular

Reged: 01/05/08
Posts: 49
Loc: Spain
Re: Electric Dreams continued: some comments new
      #235193 - 01/13/08 06:22 AM

Hey all!

Thanks so much, slaq, Bernie and doug for your contributions to this thread. Havenít had any electric dreams (EDs) for a couple of days, though I am indeed suffering from ďmental healthĒ compromises, mostly concerning the deteriorating relationship that I am experiencing. Some thoughts on your thoughts.

Firstly, it is interesting to notice that, like me, douglass mentions having had his EDs in the early morning. I usually wake up from one of these dreams about 6 in the morning (I usually get up around 7 or 8, depends on the dayís tasks). I have also awakened around 4 or 5 from such dreams and had difficulty getting back to sleep for a good while.

Concerning the very active sex life after 23 years, I am happy for you. My personal situation is, as is to be expected in any human relationship, quite complex, and the 17 years that we have been together only seem to contribute to the ďproblemĒ. We have spent many an hour talking about it, sometimes arguing, and the only answer he has for me is that he doesnít want to have sex anymore with me. dougís comment about cruising does apply to my situation, my partner has begun chatting in gay chat rooms and has even made a couple of ďfriendsĒ. The friends donít bother me, I have my own friends as well. What is bothersome is that there has been one incident in which that ďfriendĒ was really a pick up and there were lies and cheating going on which has not contributed to a feeling of trust between us. He readily assumes that my current health compromise comes from my promiscuity before having met him (we have been monogamous during these years) and yet does not see how behaving promiscuously could put him and me at risk. That is not a valid argument, maybe heís right. Still in the volcanic crater on that one and not thinking too clearly about it.

Bernie points out that it could be worse. I also note down my dreams (think I already mentioned that), but one of the reasons that I havenít asked my doctor to change the Sustiva for something a little less neuronically aggressive is because I have already gone through a series of nasty side effects to get used to what I have and just donít feel like going through all that again with the withdrawal from one drug to the nausea and diarrhea of another. Iíve always had weird dreams, more or less tagged onto whatever has been going on in my life, they just seem more intense since the Sustiva.

I liked slaqís comments about the colors. I had a dream many years ago about bubbles of colors pushing through a doorway towards me that was very vivid and wonderful, without drugs to intensify. Perhaps what I am beginning to see here is that my tendency to dream vividly and remember my dreams and see the connections and meanings has lent to the intensity of the EDs.

I, like slaq, am not looking for pity, and I think the interpretation at the end of that post is right on the mark. If you have cancer, you are not required to ask for a special waiver visa to enter the USA, if you are HIV+ you are. If you have cancer, worried mothers will not pull their kids out of your classroom, while if you are HIV+ they might just. So much frustration is rooted in not being able to be open and honest. ďI had pneumoniaĒ is the story, and my doctor seconds me ďthat is the best way to face up to the situationĒ, pretend to the outside world that there is nothing wrong while realizing to yourself that there is something terribly wrong. It seems that in Canada (where I had always thought people thought more clearly, maybe because of the cold, fresh air), if you are homosexual you are more promiscuous and thus you can not donate organs. All this has little to do with EDs but I think it contributes to not finding answers to details of our situation like the EDs or the premature ageing or whatever.

Sorry so long, I am a windbag!


--------------------
peace,
picaro.

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picaropsv
Regular

Reged: 01/05/08
Posts: 49
Loc: Spain
Re: Electric Dreams 4 and 5 new
      #235242 - 01/14/08 03:12 AM

Hey all!

#4: Iím in the Oldtown of Tarragona (known as the Parte Alta, which means high part), crossing a plaza, and leaving the Oldtown I go down hill. At the bottom of the hill I find a large quilt that I decide to take to my flat, so I have to go uphill again but the street is now a steep incline of sand, like climbing a dune, the sand rushes down and itís really hard to go up, and there seems to be some type of bad weather alert going on at the same time.

#5: Iím in my workshop, listening to some really wonderful music that makes me want to dance, so I am dancing, more gracefully than I ever have. Someone rings the doorbell and it is Pia and Haya, two friends of mine from Switzerland and another woman. They are bruised and look beaten. I havenít heard from them since a visit I made fifteen years ago to their home and I am certainly surprised to see them. They explain that their house has burnt to the ground and that they have been everywhere looking for someone to take them in. They never explain who that other woman is.

Not nightmares, not even particularly disturbing, but EDs nonetheless. In this case I was on the sofa, unable to stay in bed, had been tossing and turning, unable to breath because of a slight head cold that began last night just when I got into bed.


--------------------
peace,
picaro.

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picaropsv
Regular

Reged: 01/05/08
Posts: 49
Loc: Spain
Re: Electric Dreams 6 and 7 new
      #235679 - 01/26/08 04:00 AM

Hey all!

#6 I have two cats. One is an indoor cat, heís 16 years old, lovely loving animal. The other is 3 years old and lives outside in the patio. I love both of them very much and am sure that the relationship that I have with the older cat contributes to his long life and continued health. In the dream, the outdoor cat gets into the kitchen. In waking life I usually scold him and order him out and he goes out on his own, although at times I have to throw him out physically. In the dream I pick him up and throw him out physically and on landing he begins to cry out and have spasms and I am afraid that I have hurt him seriously. I am very sad about this and awake.

#7 This one is too long to go into in detail. I mention it because it is the first long, involved, vivid dream that I would consider an ED. Starts with someone offering to take me to Paris to see the beginning of a car race. There are people who are kind to me but donít seem to want to get too involved with me. One woman who does want to get involved, offering to lend me money to pay for my lunch. In the end, I wander Paris until I find a restaurant closing and there the owners invite me to sit with them as they have dinner together. I donít eat because Iíve already eaten. A nice man sits next to me and places his hand on my thigh and then touches my parts. It is very pleasant to be touched in this way.

Been a little blue about financial matters these days. Havenít had sex for months. A lot of silly problems with Internet connections. A silly problem at work. Facing all these silly problems with a positive attitude, but still waking up some mornings with tears and a feeling that Iím going on for nothing. Even going to the dentist to have bridge work done seems futile, why spend all that money if they wonít even see my smile in the box? Sounds depressing, doesnít it? Iím sure Iím not clinical, just mention these waking life things to put the dreams in perspective.


--------------------
peace,
picaro.

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frardarbike
Newbie

Reged: 08/29/09
Posts: 4
Sheriff: Operative *DELETED* new
      #247279 - 08/29/09 11:55 AM

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