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debtex
Legend

Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
DATING DILEMA
      #233763 - 11/20/07 01:08 PM

Hi All...

I know what you'r all going to suggest to me... WHY, because I too would suggest it if you asked me.....

I've been separated for almost 3 yrs now... and just starting to get back into the dating pool. (without TOO much detail, I am 35 yrs old... in the sexual PRIMIE of my life... and have NO IDEA what thats supposed to be)... but dying to find out!

ok, so I met this guy... super nice guy. single dad...not even totally gorgeous.. but we went out last week, played pool, had some drinks.... passionately made out... little bit a hot & heavy... but he didnt even really "try" , or should I say he wasn't pushy about sex... which was great. he even slept at my house... (in my room..I slept on the couch....I usually do anyway)...

but THIS weekend my kids are going w/ their dad overnight.. & we're making plans to go out... and course, he knows the kids wont be home....I've "sort of" talked about hiv.. asked him if he was tested, (he said no)--told him that I did work with hiv.... (talking to schools about safe sex, blah, blah blah)... but OMITTED the part that i talked about "living" with hiv.

What do I do? I have condoms.... I'm just totally scared. can you believe this.... I've NEVER had a problem talking about my status... and now I am terrified of rejection!!!

come on guys... help out a veteran here.... I could use some advice REALLY.... !!!




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Bhammer40
All Star

Reged: 01/17/06
Posts: 78
Loc: Alabama
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233766 - 11/20/07 03:14 PM

Hiya Debtex,
Long time since I’ve been on this site. Nice to see some of the “old” gang that helped me out these past 3 years are still chatting it up on this site. This is my 3rd year date since I was originally told that my HIV labs were quirky. Anyhow, the sooner you tell him the better. You do not want rejection but you also need to understand that this knowledge will be a tough cookie for your new guy to chew up and swallow. Expect an initial rejection and give the guy some space. If he is jumps back a bit and then returns then you have the start of a healthier relationship. I know when my significant other came back from his physical exam with a positive HIV test and my initial tests were negative there was a recoiling on my part that I had to deal with myself. We had only been dating for 3 months although we had been friends before that for over eight. My friends in their own way wanted me to dump him and run away to safety, but I had already invested my heart in this man and I just had to deal with my fears of infection and “what-ifs” at that time to see if I was strong enough to be with a partner who was HIV positive. I was already infected but it took 6 months of testing from my exposure date to actually add my name to the local health department’s list.

Debtex, I expect that there will be some form of initial rejection. Be prepared for this. I’m not single and I’ve had my partner holding my hand through all of this. If I was single I think that I would have to grow some very thick skin to be brave enough to date anyone… and to date those who are not already HIV positive would be very difficult for me. The good news is that we even have such choices now days. Be true to yourself and be truthful to your partners quickly and courageously to protect your heart from investing in someone who may not be ready to deal with our viral baggage.


--------------------
Diagnosed 11/2005
Last Labs Drawn 10/18/2007
Cd4 906; 49%
VL 189
Still No Meds Yet

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Florida69
Legend

Reged: 02/19/07
Posts: 541
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233767 - 11/20/07 03:32 PM

Shoot if you already know, why you asking me.. LOL

Let's start from the beginning here, not sex yet, but you are totally ready to rock his world. I kinda of feel sorry for the guy, cause you might put a hurting on him. Anyway, you deserve to be happy, he sounds like a nice guy. Maybe instead of having sex you can educate him, which would be nice. Then say something like, just so you know I am positive and I want to be sure that you are protected. I heard that you girls hit your prime at 30 to 40 and us fellas hit it at 18, I guess I am constantly 18, even though I have a birthday next month and I am double that. Hon, you are much more advanced than me, and I don't think I can really give you sound advice. I will say, hit it if you can. I am so happy that you are moving on and moving up. HUGS TO YOU... D

This for you, it totally gives me chills..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAe-24aSv9c


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gray
Regular

Reged: 10/10/07
Posts: 37
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233769 - 11/20/07 04:17 PM

Hi -

I've only been diagnosed a month and a half. Dating is something I'm not considering for a while. But my advice would be tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth. And tell it from your heart.

If he is meant to travel with you on part of your journey he will be there for you. If not, well then he's probably not ideal.

I do think it's a good idea not to attach too much important to his initial reaction. Give him some time.

Good luck!

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oldwoman
Guardian

Reged: 05/12/07
Posts: 435
Loc: Phila,Pa
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233770 - 11/20/07 04:20 PM

OK Donny,now you got me crying,the words are so beautiful and powerful.Thanks I needed that lift.

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oldwoman
Guardian

Reged: 05/12/07
Posts: 435
Loc: Phila,Pa
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233771 - 11/20/07 04:24 PM

debtex.I don't have any advice but I am starting to think about dating again and I know it will be hard,hell I know from friends it's hard without the added problems of HIV and disclosure and all that.It sounds like you laid the groundwork for bringing it up and I just want to wish you luck,
Terry

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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233775 - 11/20/07 04:38 PM

Hi there....welcome back !

Be calm and assured and honest. Maybe he is the one, maybe not. How are things going?

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

Edited by Bear60 (11/20/07 04:41 PM)

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Florida69
Legend

Reged: 02/19/07
Posts: 541
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233784 - 11/20/07 09:39 PM

I am sorry, this is the first song in a really long time that gave me chills.. HUGS TO YOU... D

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taurusthecat
Master

Reged: 11/02/06
Posts: 131
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233788 - 11/20/07 10:06 PM

I was single and in the dating pool for 6 out of the 8 years I have been pos, I've been with my man for 2 years this last September. But for those 6 years I had a lot of occasions where I was faced with disclosure, lots of sexual partners, and as a person who hates tension and confrontation and rejection I found it quite a challenge as to how and when to tell people.

There are 3 basic times you can tell someone your status. Before sex, during sex and after sex. I've done all three. During is probably the worst option, it totally kills the passion and ruins the experience for both people and I wouldn't recommend it. ;-) After sex (sooner or later, doesn't matter which) creates feelings of betrayal in the other person and they can feel used and unhappy in my experience, even if the sex has been totally safe as was in my situation, they still feel very deceived, so if you intend creating any sort of healthy relationship with this man this isn't the best option.

So that leaves before. I really did come to the conclusion from my own personal experience that this is the best and easiest option for all concerned.

It also has the added benefit that the person you are disclosing to will often show extreme gratitude and respect to you that you were thinking of their well-being and were giving them the tools to make up their own minds before getting into anything. And at the end of the day this is the only fair approach in my opinion. If you are not telling someone purely because you are afraid of rejection and nothing more, then in a way you are sort of hoping that you can have your cake and eat it too. That you can somehow make a sexual situation happen where it might otherwise have not and then just deal with the consequences later maybe. It's just as much about helping them to make an informed personal choice about the risks involved as it is in coming clean for your own conscience.

As to how much before the deed is done that you tell them, after I decided that this was the best and easiest time to tell someone my status, I did some further research for myself as to how much before I should tell them. I tried it while we were just about to get our gear off and getting all worked up, and found that it was just as much a passion killer as during the sex. So I tried moving it back a little more. While we were having drinks and making small talk during an evening when we both more or less knew that in an hour or two we would be naked and rolling around in bed. That proved better, but still put a huge damper on the evening. Their minds wandered to 'danger' and I felt like I had gotten them there under 'false pretenses'. So in the end I found that the sooner you tell them the better. I ended-up deciding that the absolute best time to tell a potential sexual partner about my status was before the actual date if at all possible, so they had a chance to think it through and weigh up the risks. And the fear of rejection which makes it so extremely hard to tell them in the first place is something which comes more from us not wanting to lose out on the sex or possible relationship and have our own way more than anything else if we're being honest with ourselves. It's just as much about respecting them and their choices and giving them the information they need as about our desires to be accepted and not rejected because of our HIV.

I don't know if it's helpful, but I've found that if I make a big deal out of my status when I tell someone, then it makes it a bigger deal for them too. Saying something like "I have something really important to tell you, I don't know how to tell you this, you're going to hate me...." etc etc is the wrong way to go in my opinion. Better; "By the way, I'm HIV pos, shouldn't be a big deal, I always have safe sex, you're not at any risk, but you really do need to know. Hope it's not a problem" ......and say it as if you're talking about the weather. The less important you make it sound the better they take it, try to keep it light and breezy if you can and act happy and nonchalant even if you're quaking in your boots. The way you tell them (it's not a big deal to you, it rubs off on them, it really does work, they take your cue a lot of the time) and when you tell them are key. Early as possible is the way to go. Think of it as a kind of sorting mechanism to find someone who's right for you. A person who you'll find the most happiness with is someone who's accepting of you just as you are and able to bounce back from startling news easily. How they react to your disclosure tells you a lot about how compatible with you they will be. Better you find out up front how they react before you invest too much emotional energy into them further on I think.

Goodluck navigating through your situation, stay positive and light and trust that if it's meant to be with you two he will take the news well. And tell him early, preferably before you both have the drinks out settling down for a romantic or steamy night. Once you are physically into the process of a romantic (or lusty) evening, it's too late by then in my experience. It just ruins the mood and they also feel betrayed.


Taurus

--------------------
I'm like fake fruit...... I don't bruise that easy.

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Crystal
Member

Reged: 09/06/07
Posts: 21
Loc: Washington DC
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233802 - 11/21/07 04:04 AM

I agree with AIDS2HIV the only way to protect yourself and him is to be open and honest before you have sex. Also consider this Deb, if you DO go ‘all the way’ and you fall for this guy how much harder is it going to be for you to tell him later and would he be forgiving of your omission? Telling someone you have HIV is easier than telling them you had sex with them with HIV.

I am your age and was upfront with my prospective boyfriend (now Fiancé) and look how that turned out. Let him get to know you a little more and if he walks away then look at it this way you know what kind of person he is.



Hope that helps and best of luck to you,
Crystal


Edited by Crystal (11/21/07 04:10 AM)

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franfrog
Legend

Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 1342
Loc: NJ
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233805 - 11/21/07 07:37 AM

Deb
I have to agree with so many here. Disclosure up front would be the best route. If you are not honest and you start to have feelings down the road, then have to disclose and are rejected wouldn't that be worse? I think if you are honest and he walks, he does not deserve you anyway! ;)

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debtex
Legend

Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233811 - 11/21/07 09:41 AM

thank you all so much!! (now I am crying!!).. not because of the rejection part... that has NEVER been my problem... Why is it now... because I never wanted a relationship again... atleast not for a long time. ----- like I said in my original post,... I know what my answer is....
but did I just have this "fantasy" in my heart... that ok, safe sex... but we are getting so close... so THEN.. I HAVE to tell... and become hated for the betrayal!! You are right about the need to say it as if "so what"... not "oh my God, you wont believe this".... that has always been easy for me to do... because this disease is something that doesn't boether me to live with....

THANK YOU ALL from deep in my heart.... for reminding me... your right... if I dont get "lucky"... then i guess HE is the unlucky one. (:

thank you ALL... and I will let you know how it turns out... and I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday...

OH... and AIDS2HIV.... I know "morally" there is definitly a NEED to tell... I would NEVER deny that to someone. but your legal aspect of it... goes state by state... and (dont get me wrong... I AGREE its not right not to tell).. but in the state of massachusetts...... you are NOT legally bound to disclose!

I know... kinda messed up... but true!!

bless you alll.......

love and prayers,
debbie

(***wish me luck***)

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taurusthecat
Master

Reged: 11/02/06
Posts: 131
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233820 - 11/21/07 11:32 AM

What you're feeling right now is totally understandable. Your heart is yearning to be back to your pre-hiv state when there was no issue and everything flowed naturally. I understand because I met the love of my life 2 years ago and he is neg and even though he is totally supportive and understanding about my status, it completely ruins our sex life as far as naturalness goes and brings in all this tension which shoudn't have been there. I spent my whole life looking for this guy and it tears my heart out to think that what should have been is not, we have this thing in between us and the purity of what we should be experiencing is tainted and will never be what it should have. But I have had to accept my position and just be grateful we met at all. Acceptance and resignation of my HIV status is crucial for me in getting on with my life and making the most of it. If I dwelt on what might have been, I would cry my eyes out 24/7. But I don't, I can't. It changes nothing. I have to be as pragmatic as I possibly can be, move on and just accept things as they are now in all their reality.

--------------------
I'm like fake fruit...... I don't bruise that easy.

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debtex
Legend

Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233825 - 11/21/07 02:40 PM

Hey Taurus...

thanks.... but for ME... being poz 15 yrs.... when I found out... I didnt want "normalcy" in sex... I felt as though I made many mistakes and didnt respect myself regarding sex.... so I stayed away from that part of wants of life for almost 6 yrs til i met my x husband. Then... even with condoms... love was normal.....sex was ok. In the past... I've felt as though, "sex" got me into this mess... and didnt care that if someone was afraid of it... I thought GOOD (back then)... more people SHOULD be careful about their sex lives.

but now its different..... my x (used) to be my best friend. I have been single for 3 yrs.... and even if I expected "sex" here and there... I wasn't going to put FEELINGS into someone again.... and sadly.... i'm finding myself there...
what sucks though..... is I am finding myself there now as a different person--that person who is comfortable with her sexuality, has plenty of self esteem and self respect..... and for ONCE in her life is in fear that for this ONE SIMPLE THING...... all my hopes no matter where they lead.... will be different, and not what I want them to be.

if you had asked me 10 yrs ago about my hiv.... there was no fear... no shame and NOT ONE SECOND of denial. I ALWAYS said "if someone has a problem with my hiv... that is THEIR problem, not mine"

but I will let you guys know....

need all the luck I can get

love
deb

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Crystal
Member

Reged: 09/06/07
Posts: 21
Loc: Washington DC
Re: DATING DILEMA new
      #233836 - 11/21/07 03:55 PM

I feel for you Deb I have always been open about my status but for some reason telling my fiancé (at the time we had just talked about dating) was the hardest. I don’t know why but I totally broke down even at the thought of it and yes I broke down when I told him. I wanted to just tell him and then talk about it but I broke down. I guess it was one of the first times I really cared about what someone would think and being poz more than half my life that’s saying a lot. He was shocked it took a few minutes for him to get his head around it. Be ready for that, be ready to give him time. It certainly wasn’t easy and I told him to ask me anything. But I tell you what Deb I talked to him about your post and asked him what he would have done if I waited to tell him and he said he never would have forgiven me.

Good luck sweetheart
Crystal


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