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ffrbel
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Reged: 11/19/07
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Put Somebody At Risk & Feel Horrible
#233739 - 11/19/07 09:03 PM
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Hello,
This is the first time I'm posting on this web-site. I feel horrible inside and need advice.
I am a gay male, 28 years old and have been HIV + for three years and have been off the dating scene since I was diagnosed - I rarely went out on any dates and did not have much sexual interaction other than a few one night stands.
Two weekends ago I went to go visit a friend in Florida. While there, I ended up meeting a guy that I really connected with and went home with him on that Saturday night after being out at a bar. We had unprotected sex (he was the top, I was the bottom)...he did not question my status and I did not disclose. On Sunday night I spent the night again at his place and we had unprotected sex again (he was the top, I was the bottom). We never discussed status that night either.
On Monday I left Florida and the guy that I met and I exchanged numbers and discussed the possibility of meeting up again soon. While I was in the airport, waiting to leave Florida back home to NYC, I received a text message from him that said "I know it's a little late but we didn't use condoms and didn't talk about status...I am neg" I responded to his text by saying "It's okay, I am neg too" which is quite possibly the worst lie I have ever told to anybody. I do not know why I responded that I was negative, I am so ashamed of myself that I not only lied but also put him at risk.
I am back in NYC and we've been chatting almost every day since I left Florida. I still have not disclosed my positive status. He is actually coming up to visit me in NYC for 3 days the second weekend in December so that we can have some "quality" time together getting to know each other better. I know that I have to tell him the truth when he gets here but I'm so afraid of how he's going to react. Not only did I put him at risk but I lied abouit my status when I was asked the question.
Part of me wants to tell him now, before he makes the trip up to NYC, but another part of me wants to wait until he gets here so that we can have the conversation in person.
Please let me know your thoughts on this situation. I am truly sick just thinking about my lie and the fact that I put soomebody at risk of contracting the virus. Even worse, this is the first guy who I've had very strong feelings for in a very long time and the feel of rejection from him would quite possible crush me.
Thanks to all for your advice.
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hrdrsr
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Reged: 11/03/07
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Loc: Colorado
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ffrbel,
Hello, I think that you should tell him. I am not sure that i would wait until he gets to you. I know that it seems that he may not reply anymore but I do believe that you should have give him that choice. Although I do think about that situation all of the time. What do I say when I meet a new person and it gets to that point. When I read this I thought to my self how hard it must be to disclose.
But I think that I would tell him before who knows maybe he will still come, but If I was on the other foot I would want to know before I traveled.
I feel for you
Good luck and God Bless
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taurusthecat
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Reged: 11/02/06
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Posts: 131
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Loc: Melbourne, Australia
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Hi ffrbel.
You obviously panicked when you sent the return sms saying you were neg, it was probably something which you did so quickly and without really thinking it through. I've been in similar situations in the past, where I've gotten together sexually with someone and status hasn't been brought up, you just think in the heat of the moment that it'll be such a passion-killer talking about diseases and suchlike and it's extremely hard to bring it up during sex if it hasn't been already discussed prior. Unfortunately it doesn't get any easier bringing it up afterwards either as you have found out.
I'm with someone now, but when I was single the approach I became most comfortable with when dealing with disclosure was to bring it up right at the start. When I was chatting online with someone or chatting face to face in a bar over a drink with someone I just met that night and I thought I was interested in, I would bring up my status then, before we had even started talking about having sex. I would say something like "I just need to tell you I'm HIV, you need to know. It might not be a big deal to you, but then again it might..." Some people said "thanks for telling me" and disappeared, others said it wasn't a concern but thankyou for telling them anyway. After the few times I had experienced such as you are describing where sex happened and nothing was said about my status, I was too uncomfortable about it to let it keep happening. And that was only with one-off partners, I hate to think how you must be feeling right now with someone you are hoping you can keep seeing and form some sort of ongoing thing with.
I believe if you are having any sort on ongoing relationship with someone you HAVE to tell them your status, you can't base a friendship or relationship on a lie and the truth WILL come out sooner or later. It's only a matter of when. And the longer it goes on before they find out the worse the reaction will be when they ultimately do.
You panicked and sent that sms back to him, I don't see anything wrong with sending him another sms saying something like; "listen, i'm really sorry, i wasn't thinking. i'm actually hiv pos. sorry for the confusion and i'll understand if you don't want to see me anymore." After all, he sent you the info via sms in the first place so just send him another one back clarifying.
I agree with Hrdrsr, it is far better you come clean with him now than wait until he has traveled to see you or whatever, that's only a recipe for disaster. The scenario would certainly be that the moment he and you see each other again you will be at it like rabbits and then it will be only harder for you tell him. If you are having trouble telling him now, it won't get any easier after you have had even more sex with him, only harder. Bite the bullet now and sms him back and tell him your status and that you'll understand if he doesn't want to see you again. You can't see the guy based on a lie because if he gets mad at this stage, he'll get dangerously mad further down the track and that's just not worth it.
Goodluck, and be brave.
Taurus
*edit* I've just read your post again and saw that you have been in constant contact, talking every day, I didn't see that bit properly before I responded to your post. How have you been talking to each other? Is it by phone or on the internet. It might be harder to tell him on the phone, too stressful for you, uncomfortable pauses and too many apologies. If you are chatting online it would be easier for you to come clean I think. Either that or do an sms. I know that you think you will be crushed if he rejects you, but if he's going to take it badly that won't change further down the line. It will only get harder to tell him and the reaction worse. And in person he is not more likely to understand than via email or sms, it will only be harder on the two of you.
Also remember that if someone is right for you they will accept your status. If this guy takes it badly and doesn't want to see you anymore (no matter by which method you tell him) then he's not going to be right for you. You need someone who's laidback and accepting.
What you're going through right now with regards to disclosure is one thing which we all share and in my opinion one of the biggest obstacles and issues we as hiv pos people have to face. It's horrible and has the potential to ruin our day and affect our lives on a permanent basis. At least in the middle of all this distress you are going through, you can at least hopefully find some comfort in the fact that we all know what you are going through and have to go through this ourselves. To my mind it's about the worst thing about being hiv but it comes with the territory.
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I'm like fake fruit...... I don't bruise that easy.
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gray
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Reged: 10/10/07
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Hey -
It's nice posting a reply to someone else who lives in New York City. I was diagnosed just over a month ago and sometimes feel like I'm the only positive person in the city - crazy I know - but I don't have any positive friends that I know of. So it's really nice to say Hi.
I think you must tell him. Now. It doesn't matter how but you must should have to disclose. Some reasons why this is a good idea are (1) not telling the truth isn't good for CD4 count! It stresses you out and you don't want that. The truth helps your immune system, (2) you are setting a bad precedent for the relationship. You can tell him now and still "save" it if you explain that this is the first time you are going back into the dating pool that you really like him and that your negative text was a knee-jerk reaction that you regret with all your heart. He may not be able to get past this NOT because you're positive but because you didn't tell him the truth about something important, (3) you don't want him to waste air-fare if it's going to be a terrible time for both of you in New York, (4) it's too early for him to get tested but he has been exposed potentially and he needs that information to make decisions about his health.
Now I'm new to all of this but one of the things I have found, for me, is that those of us with HIV have been given a huge responsibility in this world to be more honest, to have more heart, to live with integrity and to cut through the bullshit that pervades so much of live these days. In some ways we are warrior princes and princesses and we fail to execute our charge at our peril - and those of others. I'm not a sci-fi or Lord of the Rings nut but for some reason this idea resonates with me and helps me get up in the morning.
You must, if you can, be brave, take a deep breath and tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth. From your *heart*.
And if you need a New Yorker to have coffee with and help you through this, let me know. I am here for you. We are all here for you.
G.
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AIDS2HIV
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Legend
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the reality of this situation is that text message could put you in prison in most states, because you KNOWINGLY exposed someone,not only without disclosure, but even lying about it when asked, and it may sound callous...but ya deserve anything that should ever come from this, You know better...shame on you*
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taurusthecat
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Reged: 11/02/06
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Aids2hiv, hi.
I just read your post, it hadn't occurred to me that sending an sms could involve you in legal trouble, but I see Judge Judy using them as evidence all the time so hmmmm.
Could he tell a white lie maybe and tell the guy in Florida that he has only just come home today from getting some test results taken from before his trip and has found out that he has only just tested positive, that he didn't know at the time he was there or in the time since. Would that allow him to both come clean and also get himself out of the 'non-disclosure' minefield? The only thing which would get him into legal trouble would be if this guy turned nasty after finding out he was pos after all and decided to press charges, but if he thought that he genuinely didn't know his status until today, surely he wouldn't be likely to hold it against him under those circumstances.
If he asked why the gap between getting tested and getting the results, he could just say that he was terrified of finding out and had been putting off going back to the doctor but had finally bitten the bullet only to find out the bad news.
The other option would be to cease contact with the guy completely even though he looks like a potential partner and then just chalk it down to experience, learning from the whole fiasco and never letting this happen again.
*edit* I might add though that in all of this, it's unfair to blame it all on the poster. The other guy is equally responsible for safeguarding his own health and waiting until the guy had gone and was at the airport was a little late for him to start worrying about hiv status. It's just as much his duty as it is anyone elses to ask the right questions and talk it through, and before sex, not after. He stuck his sausage in without a condom so he's just as silly as the bottom and for all we know he might have been the one to suggest going bareback for the sensation or pressured him non-verbally in some way, it's usually the top who wants to go bareback much more than the bottom anyway.
--------------------
I'm like fake fruit...... I don't bruise that easy.
Edited by taurusthecat (11/21/07 02:33 AM)
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whyme210
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Reged: 11/21/07
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I have only been infected 4 months and I was infected by someone who knew they were positive and failed to disclose it to me. I dated him for a year and half before I found out he was positive. I found out by see his scripts instructions in the trash. I had been sick and he still didn't tell me. I could be living a very different life if he had just told me the truth and allow me an opportunity to decide. We are now married but not because of love at least not on my part. I feel he owes me something for what he did to me...his life insurance, retirement benefits etc. I think you did a horrible thing and if you wait until he comes to New York and he beats the hell out of you will deserve it for handling someone's life so carelessly. Even if you didn't disclose you should have told him you prefer to use a condom. Now that I have been diganosed and doing quite well inspite of taking meds and dealing with the ups and downs of this new life today I found out he has AIDS. You should tell this man immediately and deal with the consequences and take it like a man.
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vokz
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Reged: 09/06/07
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Just repeating what I posted in the 'gay men' section:
Given that you are probably torturing yourself already and that it is far too late to be thinking about PEP, I am going to try to avoid touching on any moral judgment of what is in the past.
Now call me a cynic, but I am always somewhat dubious of any man who so willingly engages in unprotected sex with another man .. but for whom HIV only crops up as an afterthought two days later. My immediate suspicion would be that this isn’t the first time he has done it and that “I am neg” probably means “I don’t know that I am positive”. It might mean the same thing to him, but he would be very wrong.
In that context, any additional risk that you have put him at is probably quite small in relation to the cumulative risk I he has already put himself at.
Then again, I could be wrong and he could just be very naďve .. in which case you probably weren’t his first exposure either.
Nonetheless, I do think you owe it to him (and anyone else he might be meeting and having sex with in the meantime) to tell him something (not necessarily the whole truth) that lets him know about his exposure to HIV.
You could tell him that you just took a test and tested positive.
You could say that you just assumed (as many would) that his failure to mention protection meant that he was poz too.
Even though what you have described doesn’t put him at the highest risk of exposure from you, I would urge you to find a way to tell him something now.
What happens if he doesn’t come to visit you in December? Do you just keep putting it off?
What happens if he decides not to come at all? Are you just not going to tell him? .. or just tell him you were saving it till he had travelled the length of the country to meet you?
IF he is going to reject you, then how will that rejection hurt the least? Telling him now, before you have met him again? .. or face-to-face and possibly in the midst of a blazing row?
I don’t know what the right answer is for you, but hopefully there is something there for you to think about.
PS: Please ignore the hackneyed implication that you - because of your mistakes - now deserve to be made the victim of physical violence. It is an abhorrent, cowardly and Neanderthal idea .. and says far more about the person voicing the opinion than it does about you, or what you have done.
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Leonardo
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Rather than retyping everything he typed, let me just tell you that I completely agree with Vokz.
Don't beat yourself up, and don't allow others to beat you up. Protection is a two-way street.
Leo
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ffrbel
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Thanks very much for your posts....all this advice has really allowed me to clear my mind and gather my thoughts on exactly what I will be telling him.
I've decided I am going to disclose to him early next week, which is almost two full weeks prior to his visit to NYC. I will let you know how it goes.
Thanks again to everybody for your thoughtful posts and for your honest advice, it's nice to know that there are others going through similar situations as me...that I am not alone.
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hrdrsr
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You are not alone we will always be here to listen. Things happen in life and I hope the situation turns out the way you want it to.
Good luck and god bless
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TRex
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Reged: 01/09/07
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You should not only feel bad you should be ashamed. You know you are positive, though his sexual health is his own responsibility; you are, too, responsible for your actions. You know you are positive but you still assisted in putting some one else at risk. Whats up with that???? I agree with whoever (sorry I forgot which one) said...he is suspicious of someone who has unprotected sex and talks about the safety later. Most likely he may be positive too..therefore you are both rats!!!! This is 2007; be a man, be responsible, and fess up to what you did.
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Bhammer40
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Reged: 01/17/06
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Those of us who now have this albatross upon our necks need to ensure that we do not pass this plague on to others. It is by no means and equal share of responsibilities between both parties. Those of us who have this burden need to rise up and take such responsibilities upon our selves to protect others for this same fate. No fling or orgasm is worth this betrayal. It is true that everyone has some fault in protecting themselves from HIV or even re-exposure, but the knowledge that we are now biological hosts to this disease makes us primarily responsible to keep this infection to ourselves. It is morally bankrupt to think otherwise. Do not belittle such mistakes or betrayals. Not only are we suppose to take necessary precautions for safe sex but we are suppose to inform our partners that we are HIV positive prior to any exposure events. We all know how devastating this disease has been to each one of us. The thought of exposing someone else to this same fate is truly incomprehensible. As for this young man who simply did not think about what he did for a night or two of pleasure; he should feel the bite of shame and he should come clean and tell this other individual the truth. This Florida guy could be infected and passing it on to others. The truth will hopefully stop that from happening. If nothing else it will remind this exposee that he should always taking precautions and start asking questions and now he gets to visit the free clinic and get tested for the next 6 months. As for anyone who is knowingly positive and thinks that it is the responsibility of someone else to ask “the” question first or “anything goes” is hoping for a vague attempt to shun off any responsibilities that we have for our fellow human beings. It is nice to be loved and touched but it is worse to be villainized. Wake up, this is not herpes or a cold it is an infliction that is socially, physically, emotionally and economically devastating. Taking chances like this; taking chances with someone else’s life simply isn’t worth it.
--------------------
Diagnosed 11/2005
Last Labs Drawn 10/18/2007
Cd4 906; 49%
VL 189
Still No Meds Yet
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oldwoman
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Guardian
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Somebody once put it this way...Having HIV is like being in an exclusive club,one that is so exclusive we don't want any new members and will do everything within our power to prevent anyone new from joining...This man should have had the chance to make his own choice as to how much risk he wanted to take.
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dfwjeep
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Well I can understand how you must feel. I was diagnosed in Sept 2000, 5 months after I met a young man from Greece. He was the first person I told via the internet, and even though he was SO upset, he still thought about it and decided to come to the US to be with me. We have been together 8 years now and continue to have safe sex.
I MISS the 'care free' days of the 70's, but I would not want to knowingly pass this to anyone else. I hope you come clean with your new acquaintance and hopefully he will be able to see hope for the future with you.
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