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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

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planonstaying
Regular

Reged: 02/20/07
Posts: 39
Some days this just sucks
      #226124 - 03/21/07 06:29 PM

I had a friend , one of a couple I had disclosed to inform me he tolerated me because we worked together yesterday. I felt like an ass for exposing myself emotionally to him with what i have been dealing with. It was a bad choice. On another day it would of been upsetting yesterday it was devestating. I was already just keeping one nostril above the water. I had gone to employee assistance twice i was just so anxious and upset. I have been all over the place emotionally the last two days. i am angry, then sad, then like a child stamping his feet demanding I not have to deal with this anymore(internal conversation). I was already feeling unworthy before he told me i was =/. I realized today it's a theme of my life....my feeling unworthy. I guess that's one message i tell myself that I will be dealing with in therapy. I am not even two months into this and am exhausted emotionally from dealing with it. I know it will get better. I know the days i accept with grow and the days I am in crisis overit all will lessen. I have been addressing issues of sexuality and my general withdrawal from the world as well as HIV. I write that and i realize dealing with an Hiv diagnosis, trying to put a finger on my ambigious sexuality,trying to re connect with people after having been withdrawn for two years would probably be a bit overwhelming for anyone on some days.

I have ADD and do not take meds. I was was so worried about missing my Dr's appt this week i called yesterday to verify the date. I guess i heard wrong or something. i showed up a day early today which after yesterday was the cherrry on top setting me up for a meltdown. It was such a letdown to find out I had the wrong day. they probably called but ADDMAN had left his phone off the charger and had a land line plugged in without answering machine yesterday=/. So, I left the Dr's office after going to an appt I didnt have and i had a bunch of food in my car for an Aids food kitchen( I dont take help I give it) and i dropped it off. I parked illegally and was just going to run it in and leave but someone stopped and asked me how i was and i almost started crying and told the truth.....the truth is i am an emotional basket case right now, If there is window of denial with all this it's passed for me. She got me in touch with a professional right away and i got what I needed and finished my day. I am crying now. Someone cared enough to help. Maybe I am worthy. I have been crying off and on all day. I say i am worthy, i type it i start balling. I have spent so much energy helping others doing volunteer work I just never felt worthy of asking for help myself except in a crisis


I dont have to deal with this all at once. I know just from going through my life history with a professional if i am one thing it's resilent. It hurts right now because i am dealing with a lot of issues but that's the rub...I am dealing. I may be crying, I may be sad. I may be angry. i may be frustrated but, if i wasnt in some sort of process to come to peace with all of that all i'd be is angry.
Anyway, i just wanted to share my day with some people who might of had similar ones or at the least can relate and are where i am or have been there. Some days everything is magic and i am just grateful to be healthy. I have all of this by the balls so to speak and am so centered with it and others i feel like a drowinging man. I am so grateful for all the people holding life preservers. I just have to work on feeling to asking for one before I am in up to my forhead. If i hadnt run into who I had run into the day might of gone much worse.

I am physically exhausted now from being so upset, crying and crashing emotionaly and going to go find an Adam Sandler movie or a tele tubbies movie to make me laugh and go to be....and go to the DR tommorow.

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planonstaying
Regular

Reged: 02/20/07
Posts: 39
Re: Some days this just sucks new
      #226164 - 03/22/07 04:46 PM

Then the next day is great and mostly filled with hope about life going forward. I spent part of it thanking all the people who helped me through yesterday. I was a bit weepy but not melting. My bloodwork was basically the same. Having HIV is a huge issue but I am not sick and appear to have a response that indicates a long slow retreat for my immune system. I had 1100 cd4 and a 460 VL. I am a day closer to acceting I am HIV positive for the rest of my life. I put in for FMLA due to all the work I missed in Jan and Feb when I either had another virus or was sero converting. It wont be an issue where i work. It's a 14k employeee company and personel will be the only ones to know why I have to leave early or miss a day with FMLA on occasion. Anyway, although no one responded just writing what was going on and telling people who might understand was freeing in itself ty

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Amadoda
Member

Reged: 03/02/07
Posts: 13
Loc: Washington
Re: Some days this just sucks new
      #226167 - 03/22/07 05:07 PM

Hey bud. Sounds like you had a very tough day! I think this is the universal experiebec and it intersted me that you had this feeling of worthlessness. That is probably the emotion I experience more often. I think that my bad judgements leading to my infection are a clear sign of just how worthless a human I am.
I think you should try to put aside the stupid remark by your co-worker. Its at times like that one wishes one had a snappy "come-back". Like, "Oh you tolerate people! Who'd have guessed!" Sounds like he's a homophobic sob>
Anyway. I am so pleased that some kind soul saw your great distress and anguish and had the generosity of spirit to give you some real help. I hope you can continue with whoever your professional counsellor is. Missing the Dr.s appointment is no biggie; not on the scale of missing your meds!!

I can really relate to the emotional roler-coaster. I just heard that my ID found signs of an STD in my system and now I have to go thorugh more tests to see if my spinal fluids are infected. Jeez I really fucked up! It is hard to keep up a cheery attitude, but it is by getting help and support that I guess we make it through the days.
Take care
Eric

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alive2
Guardian

Reged: 03/08/07
Posts: 342
Re: Some days this just sucks new
      #226178 - 03/23/07 03:34 AM

sounds like a bit of depression,you should talk to your doc,you shouldnt need an appointment for this,as it is very important to tell them exactly what you have outlined here.you dont have to suffer like this,i too have had this happen to me and the best is to deal with it with the help of your doc.as you stated in time it will pass,and it will,but you have to have some help in dealing with it today,as waiting for it to pass it may take a toll on your life,be safe and call your doc,hope this helps you,you dont need to keep on in the duldrums.

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planonstaying
Regular

Reged: 02/20/07
Posts: 39
Re: Some days this just sucks new
      #226204 - 03/23/07 09:56 PM

TY, I am taking .5 mg xanax twice a day. once in the afternoon, once in the evening for anxiety and told my Dr everything . It does make me a little tired so i avoid it during work mostly. I am so, so much better today. I have been doing some visualization excercises. I know from experience stuff like that can help me with issues and get a positive grasp on them and becoming proactive. Some people like to think of themselves on the beach , in the sun, or in the woods next to the brook. I did when addiction was the issue and i was seeking calm in my chaos. I have been painting a mental image painting of myself as a cheetah stalking and ruinning down a gazelle and imagine that is HIV or as a pitbull charging across a field spittle flying, muscles rolling in waves and leaping and engaging a bull and snorting and pulling and wrestling it into the ground and the Bull is this virus. I am painting an elaborate imagery in my head and really can loose my surroundings a bit when i get into it. i am probably a bit nuts but i have felt better after doing the exercise. I have been picking a spot on the wall, at the gym, in front of my elipitiical stepper and just trying to loose myelf in the imagery i am painting in my mind...maybe i wont tell the Dr that one LOL. I just feel like I would rather have a fighting attitude. I have a strong belief in body/mind connection and I have gotten comfort in imagining killing the virus even if it is just imagery in my head. It's an action.

i think I am going to seek out some instruction on some formal meditative disiplines. I know it's good for my miind. I am always going and slowing down would be a good thing but for the moment imagining myself as the predator and this virus as the prey beiong stalked by me is a happy thought.

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planonstaying
Regular

Reged: 02/20/07
Posts: 39
Re: Some days this just sucks new
      #226207 - 03/23/07 10:21 PM

[quote]Hey bud. Sounds like you had a very tough day! I think this is the universal experiebec and it intersted me that you had this feeling of worthlessness. That is probably the emotion I experience more often. I think that my bad judgements leading to my infection are a clear sign of just how worthless a human I am.
[/quote]

Ditto
I am feeling so much better now.
I spent a good deal of time talking about it with my Dr and as lame as it sounds it really did start when i was a kid. I grew up in a home with a severely mentally ill older broither i hid under the bed from,, a Parant who had a devestating chronic physical illness as well as alcoholism and anraging, extremely verbally abusive angry parant. I used to think the issues of it were dealt with but I have recognized that core belief about myself has crept back in or was never really put to rest and now it's time to snip that thinking out. I know mist people who meet me like me. I know I am respected by my peers in general. I know I am a good and decent man so that worthless tape I play really needs to be erased

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alive2
Guardian

Reged: 03/08/07
Posts: 342
Re: Some days this just sucks new
      #226227 - 03/24/07 10:26 PM

no problem,glad to give some feindly and helpfull advice when i can.take care

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alive2
Guardian

Reged: 03/08/07
Posts: 342
Re: Some days this just sucks new
      #226232 - 03/25/07 04:08 PM

now you got it, accept what we have and release what bothers you,stress is not good for anyone,let alone someone who has an immune difficentcy,your going down the right path,good luck

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