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Reged: 02/20/07
Posts: 39
Embarrassed by my fears
      #225803 - 03/10/07 01:30 AM

I tested positive in mid jan
I was sick with what they say was conversion illness jan and almost all of Feb
I had my first labs done 2/19. The Dr did a head bob when looking at them when I saw her a couple weeks ago and i was sure i was reallly screwed. I have never been sicker than i was during Conversion. I missed weeks of work a day here/half day there and was exhausted with glands like golf balls and a sore throat. I was sure I was going to have real bad labs i had been so sick. The Dr's head bob had been in surprise at my good labs. I had an undetectable VL to 400 ppml and a CD4 of 1146. i dont know my other numbers those were the only two i knew to be important at that time. After being so sure i was on death's door to find out my bloodwoork showed normal except for a repeat of a postiive test i was surprised. The Dr had more blood drawn that day to confirm the results. I go next week to see her again( After one visit i have never trusted a Dr more or been more comfortable with one)
I have some other issues. ADD and Anxiety. I am having ahard time not setting myself up to be devestated if my labs are signifigantly different. I tend to take any peice of information and look at it from a thousand diresctions which is good with some stuff by just makes me anxious with personal stuff I am having a hard time not believing the techs didnt screw up since i was coming out of conversion illness and everything I read says it's a time of a high viral load. I am scared, I am scared I will be living blood test to blood test if they are good again and scared i will be devestated if they arent. I am having a hard time staying in the moment and appreciating how good i feel after feeling so bad for so long. I am very grateful but anxious. This week my glands are finally back to "normal" or at least what feels like normal after being painfully swollen. last week i felt good physically for the first time.

Can i relax and trust my labs? The Dr didnt seem to have issues with them other than wanting to confirm. Even if only one of the numbers is right and they screwed the other test up it's good bloodwork isnt it?
If other people remember there conversion illness was it only 2 weeks? Mine was more like 2 months and far worse than the flu. In the afternoons when i pushed it out atwork i was slurring my speech i was so exhausted and had trouble remmebering what i was talking about and as slow as a slug when i am normally very quick verbally.

I am seeking some help accepting my sxual identity as well are there groups for that kind of theng? Anyoner able to reccomend a therapist between New haven- Bpor- Waterbury- Meriden that is worth driving to see? The Dr I see for ADD( no ritalin 4 me) is great but this is a big deal and not his thing. One thing beiong poz has done is drfag me out from under the rock I have been hiding from the world under for the last 4 yrs and i want to deal with the reasons I have been on a hermitage not get comfortable with a diagnosis and return to casual sex and social isolation

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Reged: 09/08/05
Posts: 1091
Loc: kansas
Re: Embarrassed by my fears new
      #225820 - 03/10/07 07:29 PM

when i converted my labs were excellent... the doc went as far as telling me i was negative that my bloodwork must have been an error, unfortunately it was not an error. my cd4 was close to 1200 and my vl was undetectable!!! i was sick as a dog though. your body is fighting the illness, just as mine has done for the last year and a half. my cd4 now is in the 700's and my vl is still undetectable. i am sure you will do just fine with this... we have a long life ahead of us. yes, it sucks with the news of having hiv, but you will get through this. there are alot of great people here. we all try to stick together, like a family.
love and prayers to you,

ps. the only numbers you really need to pay attention to are your cd4 and vl.

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Reged: 02/20/07
Posts: 39
Re: Embarrassed by my fears new
      #225823 - 03/10/07 10:48 PM

Thank you so much for responding. I have two confirmed positive tests. I think maybe so few are diagnosed during conversion there just muust not be that much information out there. I have learned a lot in a short tiime. I really really really really like the Dr I have. She spent at least an hr treating m,e like a human being while taking my history and went out of her way to diffuse a lot of feelings of shame i had been dealing with. She is the head of the clinic I expected to see her 15 minutes. i am obcessive when I focus on something( damn ADD) i will be an educated consumer when i see here next week. i was just coming out of being very very sick the last visit. I just hope I dont wear her down with questions lol.

I jsut stepeed in from the gym. i spent 50 min there doing cardio and light resistance training to ease back into that routine. I took my very old Father to the Astotnaut farmer and took care of some stuff for him. I am making a chicken curry with scallions and sucking down a protein shake right now

Screw dieing. I have been dead 4 yrs hiding out in my home playing video games and having vacuous empty sexually encounters. For now I am saying I am gay but truth is that isnt a switch with a 0-1 position in my life. It's more like a dimmer range. At the mioment I have committted to singleness and celibacy and getting to know some positive people and hopefully making some new frinds after having been so withdrawn. Then When i will figuire out exactly what it is i am looking for in a partner. Most already know the penis or vagina on a partner answer i will figuire it out with help lol
The one thing i have been left with is a bit of disgust i treated myself so poorly when shame was the primary feeling associated with my sex life. No one deserves to have menaingless causula contacts over the internet as their sex life/source of intimacy,

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