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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

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still_here
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/06
Posts: 389
after a long hiatus....
      #211067 - 10/09/06 11:07 AM

i'm checking the boards. my life got so confusing & chaotic that i haven't been able to really sit & focus. not that the boards & all of you were bringing me down... i just felt like i was getting caught up in being HIV+, rather than living with HIV. my "boyfriend" of 6 years moved out a little over a month ago. plans were in the works for me to be moving to ATL 10/1... but that didn't happen. i was passed over for a job promotion, but i'm not sad about it. secretly, i'm a little relieved. moving to ATL alone was scaring me. strange city, knowing no one... alone. didn't seem like a very healthy combination. so this boyfriend situation... i had to make a good decision for me. i know that he's been seeing someone else (2 other peopple actually that i know of) 1 of them lives in Jamaica & he's been sending her money to pay for their apartment. fucking bastard. borrows money from me to pay his bills.. actually, her bills. fuck that! and then there's the ex girlfriend that he's been messing with. i just can't put myself at risk like that. on the up side (i think) i'v ebeen seeing someone else. HE'S FANTASTIC!! he opens the car door for me, sends me flowers & chocolates at work, come to see me.. plans trips & takes me to dinner. i've never ever been on a date before, so it was really weird having him pay all this attention to me. BUT... he doesn't know my status yet. things haven't progressed past kissing... i just got back from my ID for my labs... i went over & over again with them confirming that he can't catch anything, but a cold, from me from just kissing. i've made it VERY clear that i'm interested in getting to know him... with his clothes ON, rather than off. i've been very very clear that it will be a very long time until i'm ready to have sex with him. he's been so wonderful. he told me he loves me. he said that he would wait as long as it took. WTF!!! can he be for real?? down side, he's 10 years younger than me. i'm goin to hell!! i talked with a few of my friends about my approach on waiting. i figured if i would have blurted it out after knowing him for 2 minutes that he would turned & ran, without ever getting to know me. i'm hoping that once he gets to know me & realizes that maybe he really really does love me like he says he does, that HIV will just be something that we have to work around. part of me is feeeling guilty that i'm going to hurt his feelings... but it's not like i'm telling him that i'm actually a man, in mid surgery to become a woman. but i know he's gonna freak out... everyone does. i just hope that he's willing to educate himself. but i guess rejection is something i'm going to have to accept as the norm, believing that the 1st time telling someone my status & not having them push me away is a dream for the movies, or an afterschool special. am i wrong for trying to protect myself? i would never ever do anything to put him at risk... but how long is too long to wait? what if after 2 months he turns out to be a jerk? this way i can make a clean break & spare myself beibg rejected by an asshole anyway. OH... crap scale at the doctors... i've lost 10lbs. i'm down to 115. i'm hoping that stress & love are the contributing factors... not that my VL was up & CD4 down from the last time. imma have a heart attack if my VL is up & CD4 down again.

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ItsFaith
Legend

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: after a long hiatus.... new
      #211077 - 10/09/06 12:04 PM

Well hellfire, I'm glad to hear that you found such a wonderful man...does he have a brother!? I hope things continue to go so well.



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alivehoping
Legend

Reged: 04/05/06
Posts: 655
Re: after a long hiatus.... new
      #211091 - 10/09/06 01:59 PM

takeing things slowly is your right. if he says he loves you then its you he loves,when your comfortable then let him know(before sexual action).if hiv becomes to stong an issue for him to deal with then he really never loved you,he was waiting on the day your clothes would fall off.im glad you found out the truth witht the other guy before you went on paying someone elses bills thats really wrong.he was being a leach on you and they only suck you dry.also make sure you dont get to caught up in the attention the new man is giving,untill you know hes ok with your hiv,because if you invest your heart then it will hurt when (if) he says he cant deal with it or you,be carefull a heart is fragile when we need someone to care and love us.and are you sure your not on some rebound and the attention is just pushing you into the situation your heading into?him waiting is good too,i had to (by my wanting)wait 2 months before me and my soon to be ex had sex of any kind(i only say ex because my life is again in turmoil).i know its not that long of a wait,but for me it was,i used to get mine fairly frequently,almost daily.oh the joy i miss of them days.as far as age,you wont go to hell for it(i hope)im 10 years 6 days older than my wife,gotta train them right lol.if you do,i will be seeing you there.and you cant feel guilty if he cant stay by your side if he cant deal with hiv,it is there and theres nothing you can do about it,but mabey in the future you can.and if hes a man then he will realize that too.i would try using hypothetical ways to give him thoughts about hiv.bring up the nobel prize winners,and mention how the medical society is trying to cure cancer and hiv/aids,and see where it leads to when your ready to face his demons or ability to handel things for the sake of the love he professes for you.and dont worry about any rejection,you wont find any here.i know you dont know me well hellfire,but i hope i can give you an opinion to help you think and see things from a mans point of veiw.as for your labs i might think the stress of the possibility of moving and the stress of the jerk you were with is the reason for this,just remain upbeat and continue to beleive in yourself,and be comfortable with your decissions you make.hope the best for you,take care

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franfrog
Legend

Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 1342
Loc: NJ
Re: after a long hiatus.... new
      #211099 - 10/09/06 02:53 PM

Well, damn, I am glad to see you back here. I am not really sorry about your ex because if he was that much of a jerk to do what he was doing then good bye! I am glad you have found someone who is so good to you. I say, when you are comfortable, tell him. Be honest and help educate him. I hope he is as true and dear as he sounds. And beleive me there are actually men out there like that.(I got lucky enough to have one)
Good luck and like D said, the other forum is starting off and is off to a good start. I think it is a wonderful place and everyone will enjoy it!

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still_here
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/06
Posts: 389
Re: after a long hiatus.... new
      #211120 - 10/09/06 05:41 PM

i love you guys... truly and honestly. thank you for not judging me. i was starting to feel selfish. here's hopin Stella can get her groove back!! LOL!!

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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: after a long hiatus.... new
      #211137 - 10/09/06 07:38 PM

Hey there gurlfren...... nice to hear from you!!! We missyour wit and fire. But sounds like you been out there rubbing a few sticks together!! lol
Be good, take care of yourself!!!!

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: after a long hiatus.... new
      #211141 - 10/09/06 08:03 PM

[quote]you guys should join us at www.aids2hiv.com/forum. No more crap and gives our family an opportunity to thrive. The crap has gotten so bad on this board from the continued stupid and down right nasty anonymous posters to the continued drug ads that take up space and waiste our time. I hope you guys come on over. Love ya, D [/quote]

Seems you are doing the same thing you want to cry about. Trashing the board and advertising for yourself. Hypocrite.

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still_here
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/06
Posts: 389
Re: after a long hiatus.... new
      #211154 - 10/09/06 09:58 PM

aaaaahhh it's all coming back to me... the infamous ANON poster. get the fuck outta my thread asshole... really, i'm not the one.

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franfrog
Legend

Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 1342
Loc: NJ
Re: after a long hiatus.... new
      #211195 - 10/10/06 07:26 AM

Go get 'em girl! I got your back!

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ItsFaith
Legend

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: after a long hiatus.... new
      #211201 - 10/10/06 08:30 AM

No...not selfish. Smart! A person needs to get to know YOU...NOT your HIV. Unfortunately, sometimes knowing of the HIV first may prevent the important part.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: after a long hiatus.... new
      #211214 - 10/10/06 10:36 AM

[quote]My point is taken, there is the anonymous piece of shit that wakes up every morning to misery. I wake up to hope and love for myself. I will always be grateful to the boards for the support I have found, the friends I have made and the family that I have developed. The thick skin I have developed in dealing with negative pieces of shit such the anonymous poster. We are not crying we are living, we are not hiding we are giving. Something the the anonymous poster I am sure knows nothing about. I have nothing to gain but not to have to flush to say hello to my friend. I now understand why the boards should be moderated more closely, and why it is important to register. Knowledge is power, and ignorance is truly bliss. Hypocracy is believing in something while living by something else. I live by my own rules, I will be back to fight with you I am sure, I am just glad I have a positive outlet. Have a happy life, anonymous piece of shit, I hope you find your way, as I am finding mine. D [/quote]

Don't hurry back We really don't need you.

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