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A Toxic Combination
#210710 - 10/06/06 10:47 AM
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If my dilemma was:
- just dealing with the virus; or
- just suffering with the guilt of cheating on my wife; or
- just the feelings of rejections by those who said they loved me; or
- just the constant blaming, belittlement and bursts of rage from my wife; or
- just having to “walk on eggshells” and be careful about everything I say or do in order to pacify my wife, or
- just trying to defend myself of half truths without being negative or sounding like I’m making excuses for what I’ve done; or
- just the self loathing for making a stupid mistake and ruining our “perfect” family; or
- just being cautious about what I post on this site, for fear that my wife and/or her family will read it and hold it against me; or
- just being threatened with a divorce in an extremely conservative state/county that is ruthless to those who cheat or commit a bisexual act or those with our disease (unfortunately, I fall into ALL THREE categories); or
- just the fear of someone finding out about my virus, which would negatively affect my career; or just resisting the urge to run away from my life, wife & family, or
- just the struggle to resist accepting an offer to leave my life & family and run to someone who cares about me and who wants to us to spend the rest of our lives together.
UNFORTUNATELY, my dilemma is that I have to deal with the life-draining combination of ALL of the above, AND IT JUST SUCKS!
It has been extremely hard to stay upbeat this week, so I'd appreciate your prayers, well-wishes, encouragement and advice.
-Gary
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Bear60
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Legend
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Reged: 12/21/05
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Posts: 1390
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Well, thats a mouthful!!!! Gary, you know we all respect that you have to juggle a lot of apples to keep your family and your health together. Forgive yourself....as has been said....and you will see how the weight is lifted off your shoulders.
--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia
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polywog
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All Star
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Reged: 07/30/06
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Posts: 79
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Loc: toronto
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Gary - you've summed up a lot for all of us. i guess we all have our set of circumstances, but the virus in all of us remains the same and it does suck. We all hate it and we're all in the same boat. It does get difficult to "chin up" every single day when this virus plagues our minds and bodies. Hang in there with the rest of us. It's just a low point right now, ride it out, and we're here for the ride with you :)
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JonCO
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Regular
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Reged: 09/12/06
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Posts: 32
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Loc: Denver, CO
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Gary. "When it rains it pours". You sound very overwhelmed. Sorry you are going through all that. However, know that we are all thinking good thoughts for you and those who pray are remembering you in our prayers. Just remember that all decisions have consequences and you have to weigh each of them. Staying in a marriage that is difficult may affect your health, running will affect your health because you will be cut off from you children, etc. There are no clear-cut answers from a book to give you. You will be writing the chapters for yourself. Good luck on the journey and we will be here for you when you need support.
--------------------
JonCO
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WOW! I am here if you want to talk. Sending up really strogn prayers and good wishes.
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HIV is a part of me, but it does not define me!!!
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Survivor
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Legend
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Reged: 10/30/05
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Posts: 3256
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Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
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Gary, are we talking about earthly possessions here??
Gary, are we talking about relationships that were not perfect to begin with?
Gary, are we talking about how others see you and not the other way around?
Do not let hiv destroy the man who is Gary.
Just curious...
Love
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things in life sometimes suck,and we cant do anything about them,but what we can control is our inate responce to correct what we can,and better them situations that may take some time and work on them.if people reject you then thye obviously arent there to begin with,a fair weather fan so to speak,only there for the good and not the tribulations,which is what friends are supposed to be.work on everything to better you situation the best you can thats all you can do,and to expect someone to just fall into a category of kindness and understanding wont work most the time.i have lost many good friends since this has been in my life,not because i told them but the feeling i know they will reject me.so i avoid times like that i would rather work on the things that mean the most and work as hard as i can to corect them first.work through the dilemma list 1 item at a time untill you finish and have the desired results,and if there are things that cant be remedied then skip it and work on something you have a chance at controling,take care
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i concur about ending a marrage that is very invasive to your medical outcome,and yes the stress will be obvious.but if you have genualy tryied to no avail then,you have to decide whats best for you and your family.gary you and i have talked frequently and you know i have faced almost all the same things in my life your dealing with,and to end your lifestyle from what it is may even cause more harm than learning to deal with the situation till your healthy enough to make a sound decision,because depression and regret,also stress can be a ig order of burden if your not ready.hope you understand my post,take care
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ItsFaith
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Legend
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Reged: 10/17/05
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Gary, you have my prayers each and every day. God loves you. Always remember that...no matter what the world throws at you, don't let them every shake your faith in that one true fact. You are a good person. We all make mistakes (I know, I've made enough for every person that visits this board) but we are still good people, still worthy of love and respect. You are worthy of love and respect. And you have mine. Be strong.
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damn my kind of woman,likes to make mistakes and not affraid to admit it.im not santa,im looking for all the bad girls,and shes right gary
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Thanks to all of you, MY FRIENDS, for your responses. As I read your words of encouragement, strength and hope, I took all of them in and couldn't help but feel motivated to be the best me that I can be.
What's even better is that it dawned on me that I've been taking in or "receiving" the negative words from my wife, in-laws, and even myself about my new lot in life. I received and retained them, and those negative words reproduced feelings of hopelessness and despair.
Well as of today, 10/9/06, I plan to work on removing those words and feelings out of my life and replacing them with the kind of words you all have given me.
No more receiving, retaining and reproducing....now it's time for removing, replacing and revitalizing (my life).
The old way will eventually lead to my death...that's probably the reason my doctor was concerned about the change in my numbers during my recent visit. Instead of my wife being concerned that her negativity is making matters worse for me, she seemed to have kicked things up a notch. That should have shown me her level of commitment to my health (my life).
I'm not sure what will happen with my marriage, but I do know that my willingness to take unwarranted and excessive abuse from my wife must stop..
Wish me luck,
Gary
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ItsFaith
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Legend
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Reged: 10/17/05
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I wish you luck, and god's grace to move in this positive direction. Stand tall and strong Gary. You're rubber and they are glue...whatever they say bounces off you and sticks to them. (Some great sayings are born on the playground!)
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JonCO
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Regular
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Reged: 09/12/06
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Posts: 32
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Loc: Denver, CO
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Gary-It sounds like you have gotten some great energy for taking care of things. I like your idea of not taking in the negative comments. You can reflect them back and let them hear what they really sound like or just ignore. Keep up the improved attitude.
--------------------
JonCO
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gary, i'm not going to pray for you, because that is just a phrase of good will. You have mine! But me praying isn't going to help you or your family understand what is important.
1st of all, you have a virus. You could have cancer, TB, malaria, MS, Hep a/b/c or any number of difficult chronic dieseases to deal with.
The hardest thing for me was to adjust to being poz. It is an adjustment. And it takes time. And you might want to think about how to live with HIV. It is something you have to work at. Depending on your personality, you may need consuling, to come to terms with it.
So you have this life changing thing happening to you. And around you is the shell of your now former life. Cos the secret is out. Thing are not what they seemed to be. Another adjustment to be made.
One theme you might want to think about is take responsiblity for what has happened. You cannot change the past. HIV makes sure of that! You can't hide from your spouse. You have to understand that your wife may not want to be with you because of what has happened.
But you can't hold on to something that may not be there anymore. Is it worth crying about, absolutely! Is it a harsh truth, i've found that truth in the open can hurt more than supressing it. But its always in there.
I'm sure that in fact you were deluding yourself a bit about your relationship and you secret sexual practices. I can understand that now your walking on eggshells as you don't want to provoke your partner futher. But you should delude yourself into thinking that this may just pass.
I don't think you should openly confrunt you spouse at a time when she needs to be thinking through the adjustment that HIV represents. But you really may need to have consuling individually and together to they to make sense out of the change that has taken place and the sudden dose of new reality thrust upon your relationship.
Since your "perfect" family is now more or less in shambles, you have to get to the core of your relationship. Being open begins with how you are dealing with being POZ. Your the one with the VIRUS that you must come to terms with. You have to deal with your sexuality. Your wife ultimately must either go along for the ride, or choose another avenue for herself.
there can be reconsiliation, but it begins with you.
I'm not trying to be so much stern as reality based as I can be as I am in the same situation, goin on three years now, and we are still together. but she knew I was bi from the beginning, and although our relationship is far from perfect, we have compassion for each other, and at the core we need to be together. The pasage of time can help, but only if the core relationship, the truth of the relationship can stand this test.
I am sorry you have to go through this. But through it you must. And you must adjust. As hard and as remote as it may seem to be.
Remember, HIV is a Virus, thats what it is! You are alive and that is what counts! Worrying about what you cannot control will hurt your ability to move forward.
My best hopes and wishes.
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