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Anonymous
Unregistered

Someone help me, I don't have the strength
      #207356 - 09/15/06 08:08 PM

I can not find the answer to my problem. My ex husband, father of my two kids, have hiv. Fine no problem with me. However, he is dating someone who he might marry and has not told her. I have stayed out of it, because felt it was not my business and to be honest, I am a coward and can not get the courage to tell her for fear of his reaction. He has a past history of drug abuse, verbal abuse. But here is the thing, I told him I will not let him have the kids overnight until he tells he if she is living with him. My 1st worry, is she might have it and not know and any cuts could be a risk to my kids, and second is I can not live this lie with him...Would you let your kids go there overnight without her knowing......

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength new
      #207358 - 09/15/06 08:26 PM

If he is living with her, its very hard to hide being +ve. I dont think its any of your business to worry about an x cus thats what it is an x. Do what you have to with the kids but you are over reacting to cuts etc!?! Let him live his life the way he wants...



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength new
      #207368 - 09/15/06 09:30 PM

Didn't you post all this sometime back on the My loved one forum? I have a feeling you are the same woman that is posting all those posts about the ex and the girlfriend. The husband and the girlfriend. etc. You come across as someone that is bitter that her 'man' moved on.

Persoanlly I think using your kids in this little war of yours is low down. You show amazing lack of knowledge that your excuse is she might cut herself. Do you think she will then pry open a child's mouth and feed it to them. You must be reading too much Anne Rice.

Your comment shows an amazing lack of knowledge about HIV transmission and what the context of casual contact means. Let me explain. Family situation are considered causal contact and not a risk for transmission. I'm sure that when this was determined it was figured that people in a household cut themselves from time to time.

Your comment also betrays that you are NOT fine with his status. It shows you have an irrational fear about it. And before you even try to come at me with 'oh I'm a mother, you don't understand." Yeah I do. Brought up two kids while living with HIV. I know much better than you ever will.

Either stick you nose in your ex's life or don't , but leave your kids out of it.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength new
      #207370 - 09/15/06 10:10 PM

I am sorry you feel that way, but you are wrong, I hope you believe me. I am not bitter. I am in love with someone else and getting married. My first concern is about my children only. I don't want my children involved in this lie and yes, I am worried about them. You mean to tell me, if you have HIV and do not know, and are not careful about blood, there is no risk? I don't think so. Last week, my child cut themselves and was bleeding and my boyfriend, did not think twice to touch my child's blood. Not everyone thinks about the risk if they don't think they are at risk or have it. Please someone help me. Give me the courage to tell her, but I don't have it...

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength new
      #207371 - 09/15/06 10:12 PM

Trust me, he is hiding it. He is not on meds yet. He even got her pregnant, but she lost the baby. He is not even using condoms.... Yes, I am worried about the kids.. So, you really think I should stay out of it and not tell her? This woman called me and begged me to tell her if I knew if my ex was still doing drugs for the sake of her and her own three kids. After, that conversation, I am so upset. I feel so guilty that i know he has it and is sleeping with her unprotected and she does not know. But I am a wimp. I am too afraid to tell her.....

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength new
      #207377 - 09/15/06 11:23 PM

first - cuts are "bleed outs" not "bleed in's".. Second - Please allow this to continue to destroy you as it clearly is doing....

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rainbowhisperer
Regular

Reged: 08/10/06
Posts: 43
Loc: Kansas
Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength new
      #207386 - 09/16/06 12:11 AM

Wow i dont believe i have ever seen the reactions i am seeing on this post. I do understand your point about being scared for someone, Everyone is right you should leave the kids out of it. It is a natural reaction to be scared of the unknown and the unsure. But you cant be a savior for everyone. His HIV is not your responsiblity when it comes to his personal life. When it comes to your children yes it is your job to keep them safe and provide for them. But it is also his responsiblity to see them and keep them safe when they are around him. Dont keep your kids as a pawn. You shouldnt try to tell this girlfriend anything. It is not your responsiblity and not your problem. She made the choice to get into her own relationship with him and even if you were to tell her do you honestly think she would believe you. She will find out on her own one day. Good luck. With love always...

--------------------
God bless me, God bless My Family, and God bless My Friends, Please forgive me for all of my sins,

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noteasy
Newbie

Reged: 08/25/06
Posts: 7
Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength new
      #207394 - 09/16/06 06:29 AM

[quote] Second - Please allow this to continue to destroy you as it clearly is doing.... [/quote]
Why are you talking so harsh to people u don't know? please... it's not good...

Anyway, to anonymous, I'm on your side! That other women should defenitly know that her future husband has got hiv. Maybe it's not YOUR job to tell her, as tha answers are under here, but you should deffenitly try to talk him into talling her himself!
About your kids, I wouldn't worry to much...

Take care, and good luck. Hope to here how things goes..

--------------------
forever young.. I want to be forever young... *Alphaville*

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength new
      #207396 - 09/16/06 06:59 AM

You are right. Your post pointed out where my problem is. He is very very irresponsible and is in complete denial about his status. I don't think he would protect them if there was an accident, is the real truth. I should put all the burden on him to take care of them, that would be the right thing, but he is very very irresponsible. But thanks for pointing it out, where my real problem is....This woman will never forgive me when she finds out though. She will have known I have known all this time...

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength new
      #207403 - 09/16/06 07:44 AM

[quote] Last week, my child cut themselves and was bleeding and my boyfriend, did not think twice to touch my child's blood. [/quote]

See this is what I mean about your lack of knowledge about how HIV is even transmitted. The instance you gave would not have transmitted HIV either way.

Let's say your bf has HIV. Touching someone cut while cleaning it won't transmitt the virus. It can't go through intact skin.

Let's say your child has HIV. Someone cleaning their cut with intact skin won't be a vector for transmission.

See this is what I mean. You don't know what the hell you are talking about and you are using your children.

I have cleaned up a lot of cuts and scrapes. I've wipe tears. I've hugged. I've kissed. I've shared food and drink. We've wrestled. So has their step father. Both my kids managed to 'survive' living with not one, but two HIV+ parents. They are happy, healthy, pretty well rounded and yes, HIV negative.

I don't know why you want to create an issue out of this.
Either you don't want to let go.
You are a control freak and must control everyone's lives.
You are under-educated about HIV and instead of educating yourself, rather persist in your irrational thought patterns about it.

I repeat. You are using your kids for your own agenda. You are doing what all the mental health community says is extremely detremental to a childs development.

That's immature and irresponsible.



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength new
      #207405 - 09/16/06 07:57 AM

[quote][quote] Second - Please allow this to continue to destroy you as it clearly is doing.... [/quote]
Why are you talking so harsh to people u don't know? please... it's not good...

Anyway, to anonymous, I'm on your side! That other women should defenitly know that her future husband has got hiv. Maybe it's not YOUR job to tell her, as tha answers are under here, but you should deffenitly try to talk him into talling her himself!
About your kids, I wouldn't worry to much...

Take care, and good luck. Hope to here how things goes.. [/quote]

Noteasy. I went back and read some of your posts. Seems you are also learning to deal with your husband's status.

Please consider that because you are not infected and that you are just starting to learn about HIV, that you might not understand the underlying feelings that this thread brings out.

You would have to understand the history of this disease. There was a time when the courts removed children from parents that had HIV. Imagine having your children ripped away from you just because your husband has HIV. This was also the time people faced discrimination if it was found out that they lived with someone with HIV, never mind if they had it or not. It was just assumed that if you were around someone, you would 'catch' it. That's how paranoid people were.

Evenutally the courts and people's understanding of this disease caught up with the science that showed living with someone with HIV was NOT a risk. Courts changed their stance and HIV no longer was a reason to remove children from a home.

This poster is not only using her children, she trying to use a fear based mentality from the late 80's - early 90's.

It has no place in this day and age.

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rainbowhisperer
Regular

Reged: 08/10/06
Posts: 43
Loc: Kansas
Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength new
      #207407 - 09/16/06 10:28 AM

Let God take care of it and let the chips fall where they may. Focus on you and your life and loving your children. Living one day at a time and try laughing every once in a while. You and the children need that. With love always...

--------------------
God bless me, God bless My Family, and God bless My Friends, Please forgive me for all of my sins,

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RevAnn
Guru

Reged: 08/17/06
Posts: 245
Loc: fort myers, florida
Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength new
      #207409 - 09/16/06 11:09 AM

Okay all, my concern is not the childrens health, but trying to use them as pawns in a game is not good either.

My concern is the "other" woman. If she doesn't know and they are having unprotected sex, I think she should be told! How could any one of us tell someone to stay out of it? How can we let another person knowingly hurt another with HIV/AIDS? If She doesn't know, she need to!

I don't care if it is an Anonymous letter sent to her, but she needs to know! We should not allow a person like him to go out and infect any other "victims". Yes "victims", because he is not honest with her and that means she is not basing her choices on the facts.

TELL HER, I don't care how you do it, but TELL HER. She has a right to know!

--------------------
Namu-Myoho-Renge-Kyo

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength new
      #207411 - 09/16/06 11:55 AM

But we only have one side of the story. How do we know he's as irresponsible? How do we know he is as horrible as she portrays him to be? How do we know what her agenda really is? This is not the first time she has posted. Almost word for word a month or so ago, this post showed up and there have been a number of posts along the similar line since then. Something just doesn't feel right with this woman.

She says the other woman doesn't know, but is she involved with every intimate detail of their relationship? How does she know the woman isn't HIV+ herself and hasn't seen the need to disclose that information to the EX-wife. I find it extremely odd how involved she is in their relationship. It's creepy.

I just get willies from this poster. Something tells me, it's not about HIV. It's about causing discord. I do not trust her motives. She's just looking for an excuse to keep her kids away from their father. Everything else she brings up is just the smoke screen.

While I agree it's morally wrong to not disclose. I also believe that ultimately people are responsible for their own choices and behavior. If this woman has chosen to have unprotected sex with this man without testing with him for ALL STD's, that is her choice, her responsiblity and her consequences. It's not like people don't know HIV exists. To suggest that people should insert themselves into other people's personal lives smacks of Vigilantism and Witch Hunts. Perhaps you feel that all of us, yourself included, should start sporting that Scarlet Letter.

I think it's time the woman focuses on her own life and gets out of her EX husbands business.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Someone help me, I don't have the strength
      #207422 - 09/16/06 03:23 PM

Yes, you are right. You only have one side of the story and you do not know me. But to be honest, (not that you should believe me). I am not creepy and everything I said about my ex is true. I have known him for 17 years and he did many many awful things to me. But yes, I let him. So I finally got the courage and left him and now he is doing it to someone else. I keep posting because it is bothering me so much what he is doing to her. But he has threatened my life and so I am scared if I tell her what he will do to me. The reason why I know everything about his life is because we are still friends and he is one of those people who tell people everything and now his new girlfriend is like that too. She is the one who called me and told me she was pregnant and lost the baby. I don't want to know this stuff, because it just makes me feel guilty! I guess I keep posting here to have people tell me I am not doing anything wrong by NOT telling her. I guess to ease my conscious. And if you knew all the stuff he has done, you would WORRY about your kids too. Right now the court SUPERVISED his visitation, he can not even have his kids alone. Anyway, just wanted to let you know, my side of the story is the truth.

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