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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

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feelinghelpless
Newbie

Reged: 08/28/06
Posts: 7
Loc: New York City
My lover is HIV+
      #205346 - 08/29/06 11:21 AM

Hello, About ten months ago my lover told me he was HIV+. At the time, he was very sick and in the hospital from an infection. I basicly took care of him
and when he came home from the hospital, he moved in with me for several months. We really didn't discuss his hiv status much. About four months ago, he
decided to move out on his own. Needless to say, there is a lot of other stuff that happened between us but we separated for a while. We got back together
about two months ago but he has been very distant. Altough he has found his own place, it feels like we're not really lovers although he says we still
are and that he loves me. He seems very depressed. We ahven't been intamate for over a year. I am so confused and don't know what to do for him or what
to say to him sometimes. I'm also frustrated because although it's not that I need the sex but I do need to know I am loved. I know he's going through
so much but he seems to not want to deal with it. A part of me wants to leave the situation butthen I feel so guilty. I love him with all my heart but
I'm so frustrated and feel very hurt about so many things. Would like to talk to others who have found out they are HIV or who are in relationships with
someone who is HIV+, particularly gay men. Couples would be very helpful. Thanks!


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polywog
All Star

Reged: 07/30/06
Posts: 79
Loc: toronto
Re: My lover is HIV+ new
      #205348 - 08/29/06 11:39 AM

Hi there, we're a gay couple, I just tested poz 6 months ago - have been with my partner for over 10 years, he is neg. I am fortunate that he stands behind me and is supportive and he and I talk out my fears and worrysome things together. he goes with me to my doc appts. and went with me to counselling to find out the truth about this disease, it's stigma and it';s prognosis. Perhaps if you could demonstrate your desire to be a part of this with him he won't feel alone in the fight, do your research and offer up encouragement, ask him to let you go with him to appointments - it's just an idea , but it was very helpful to me.

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: My lover is HIV+ new
      #205421 - 08/29/06 10:19 PM

Fh... Your lover is going through a very emotional time and this can take a bit of time for him to figure out that life does continue on as well as relationships. I am not getting the whole story here as to why he moved out etc, however I can understand being diagnosed and what happens when that comes down... Does he have plenty of support coming in on him or is he isolating? If he is isolating and thinking the "impending doom" scenario's well, he needs help to get out of it and it cannot be done by himself. He needs to seek counceling or others like him such as us here who can help him come to turns with his diagnosis and move on... Why waste time with HIV/AIDS??? No reason whatsoever. I hope you can see that hiv has a huge emotional toll on us even more so than the virus itself. Take that into account when you next see him...

Love

Eric

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bearb1960
Unregistered

Re: My lover is HIV+ new
      #205529 - 08/30/06 09:56 PM

Sorry to hear about his poz status .
I myself have been poz since 12/24/1986 and had the same man at my side all these years .
NO we don't have sex between our selves but that was a mutual decision ( for 1) beacuse of my being poz 2) beause of his own medical conditions ie: quadrulpe heart by pass surgery 3) his high blood pressure et al .
Now we have seen each other thru many many different times of strife and I guess you are now questioning as to how we did this well the answer is that we talk to each other about every thing and decide a route to take on what ever the subject might be .
Now this is not to say that neither of us has gone with out sex for the last 20 years ( that's how long we have been a gay couple ) but just not with the other half of the partnership beacuse he has more then once been my sponser to attend a run ( in that concept it's a leather run to be specific) at which I play only with other poz attendees that I know already know that i am poz as well he on the other hand is often times goes to bear runs for his me time which is no problem if he finds some one to play with there beacuse as I said before it's a mutual agreement that we not have sex between our selves .
Ok that's enuf do I'll get off my soap box and let others make their comments .
Bearb1960 ( aka bearby )

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: My lover is HIV+ new
      #205533 - 08/30/06 10:01 PM

Gawd I was happy to read your response and how long y'all have been together !
I myself am poz ( been that way a long time now 0 while my dad bear ( partner ) has remained negative and he has stood fast at my side thru many of the complications that i have had since beginning meds in 2001 even thru those awful bouts of pheriphal neuropathy and even brought me home from the hospatal when I was still in aids related dementia ( also known as aids related dementia ) so that he could care for me him self beacuse in his own words " I knew that I could take just as good care of you as they could have at the hospital ".
So keep up the work on the relationship front and if y'all are any thing like we are every thing will work out .

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: My lover is HIV+ new
      #205545 - 08/30/06 10:40 PM

Dear Feeling Helpless,

I have been in a relationship for several years with the same person. In 2000 he became very ill and we learned he was HIV+. I was shocked. Not so much that he had sex, but that he had unprotected sex. We both saw my brother slowly die of AIDS back when there was very little to treat the virus with. I was very angry with my lover, but I put my anger aside because what was most important was that he be cared for and feel loved. I didn't see the point in expressing my anger to him because it wasn't something that would change the situation and I could see that he was beating himself up emotionally and I realized that what he needed was to know that I would be there for him. That is what a relationship is about. It's been six years now and we have not had sex. He feels that he might give me the virus, but what I realized is that a relatinship is about so much more than sex. Your lover should be your best friend as well, someone you can be honest with without feeling the other person will abandon you or make you feel bad. My lover made a mistake. He knows that, but he is still alive and a human being with needs and feelings. I think the best thing you both could do is get counseling, both individually and as a couple. You have to take the lead here. Let him know you love him without any conditions, let him know how you feel -- angry, sad, pissed off -- but let him know you will still be there and that he is still very much worth loving and knowing. You have to address your own feelings first, find out how you really feel about what has happened, face those feelings, and then heal yourself and encourage your lover to do the same. Let him know it's not the end of the world and that he can go on and live life fully if he takes care of himself and lets himself love and be loved. I have been in this relationship for 20 years and I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon. I have often read that people with a serious illness live much longer when they have someone to share life with -- you two have that -- take it from there.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: My lover is HIV+ new
      #205565 - 08/31/06 01:46 AM

I could certainly empathize with your situation. I tested positive 16 years ago. I was in a relationship at the time and he stood by me and I am grateful that he was in my life at the time. After it sunk in I felt as though I had to be on my own to try and deal with the situation. I quit my job,moved from my small town to a bigger city and remained healthy thank god till this point. I am still very good friends with my boyfriend from that time and am still grateful that he was in my life then and now. Try not to take it personal if he pulls away. But tell him that you feel hurt and try to come to some kind of agreement. That's what my boyfriend and I did. I will keep both of you in my thought and prayers and wish you and your lover all the best..............Peace.

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Tops
Unregistered

Re: you are not the only one new
      #205774 - 09/01/06 10:37 AM

Am writting this on behalf of pillars of hope care and support group, where i am the group facilitator. being a group of persons living with HIV/AIDS and very young( 21 years and below) and based in Kenya in Africa. these youths have numerous challenges ranging from lack of basic needs especially food to even shelter. i am writting this encourage someone else who feels he/she is disadvantaged beacause of being HIV positive since they could not be in worse situations like us but , we still cling to dear life and hope for a better tomorrow.

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edanmilton
Newbie

Reged: 05/31/06
Posts: 2
Re: My lover is HIV+ new
      #205823 - 09/01/06 06:15 PM

Hi there,

I tested positive April in the middle of my relationship which just started in February. It was very difficult for me and still is, knowing the fact that my hiv- partner could move on and be with someone who is also negative. Sex is still an issue because we cannot do a lot of things we would otherwise have done out of ignorance such as unsafe sex but we are limited now. I still go through emotions and find myself, figuring out my worth, but being around my partner without having that sexual side all the time boosts my self worth.

Needless, to say, sex is an important part of a relationship and regardless of how much you say it is not as greatly important, it is. Your partner might be going through some personal issues, like I am and you may want to talk to him about it. Ask him how he feels, and tell him why it matters to you. Talk and listen, feel the need for each other and it should allow for both of you to reconnect.

Take care,

Edan

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