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wifey289
Newbie

Reged: 08/06/06
Posts: 1
Need advice-get hubby to counseling
      #202700 - 08/06/06 01:54 PM

Hello. My hub is +, I'm - . we found out about 1.5 years ago. he has been going to the doctor for treatment and is not on meds except inh for latent tb. i can tell he is depressed about the diagnosis (understandable) but he is one of these manly men that won't talk about it and acts like he's fine. i know he's not fine. i am the only person that knows about this and i feel as if he is putting a wall between us for some reason. we have only made love once since diagnoses. i try to be patient w/ him and tell him to take his time. he says he just is not in the mood. i know he is not cheating, its truly the hiv. he doesnt seem to be doing anything to resolve this issue. i have suggested meeting with the aids org woman who i have met with and he doesnt want to. the health dept had to come by and he was mad they had to come. then he was upset and had bad dreams for days to follow so i know it bothers him more than he says. i also think he is drinking (occassional) even though it can cause liver damage since he's on inh. i'm trying to be a supporter and not a mother here but i know he NEEDS counseling. can any of u manly men or wives w/ one tell me how i can get him to counseling? orders do not take well. it needs to somehow be his idea. i also need some counseling and am in the process of arranging it. i miss my husband who used to give me attention and love (not just physical).

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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: Need advice-get hubby to counseling new
      #202702 - 08/06/06 02:07 PM

I feel your pain. I went through a LONG period of maybe 5 years of feeling "untouchable"...not much interest in sex. So he may just stay in that frame of mind for a long time.
What can you do to get him to counseling? Hard question with no easy answers. You are right in thinking that you cant just TELL him to go and expect him to obey. But Have you tried telling him how much the loss of the husband you knew is affecting your life? Have you told him what you just told us? I know it sounds corny but often people just dont communicate how they feel and expect their partner to somehow know. Your husband sounds very wrapped up in whats happening to him and thats not going to change right away but does he know how this has affected you? I suspect that you going to counseling is a good start. Maybe he will get the picture.
( And, if you havent seen the movie "Fried Green Tomatos" get it... its a real good flick for feeling UP about yourself, as some of the women here at theBody will tell u. TOWANDA)

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

Edited by Bear60 (08/06/06 02:56 PM)

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IzPoZ
Guardian

Reged: 01/24/05
Posts: 398
Loc: FTL, Florida
Re: Need advice-get hubby to counseling new
      #202709 - 08/06/06 06:38 PM

It's easy to suggest to him that he seek help to cope with what he's feeling. But difficult for him to follow through with that. You can suggest peer groups, so he can intermingle with other positive people in similar situations. This way, he won't feel so "alone" in what he's dealing with.

Him not wanting sex has nothing to do with your relationship whatsoever. It's more that he's feeling like "sex is what got me here to begin with...".

For a few years, I felt like, the very thing that I enjoyed the most is what got me my HIV+ status. I also didn't like the changes in my body after starting meds, so both those issues wrapped into one tight ball, kept me from having any type of sex drive, and I was at an age where I SHOULD have wanted it.

It's natural for him to shy away from sex, though it's difficult for you. You can show him that you aren't afraid to touch him, kiss him, love him, and that may help him to ease up a little. Give him a little time. As soon as he starts to feel better about himself, he will be all over you like bees on honey.

You know him better than anyone... perhaps you will be able to find a way to chip down the wall, even a little bit. I'm hoping he will come around soon. And like Bear said, tell him how you are feeling.

Write him a letter if it helps you express your feelings. Because if you are anything like me, sometimes speaking the words is much more difficult than writing them. Just let him know, above all else, that you love him, and accept him no matter what.

--------------------
The reason angels can fly is that they take themselves so lightly. ~ Chesterton G. K.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Need advice-get hubby to counseling new
      #202712 - 08/06/06 08:46 PM

Mutual masterbation is not easy to discuss and engage in initially, but after a while it helps relieve insecurity regarding your relationship.

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alivehoping
Legend

Reged: 04/05/06
Posts: 655
Re: Need advice-get hubby to counseling new
      #202763 - 08/07/06 11:22 AM

i dont know but im a man who is mostly internal on alot of personal issues,and when i did talk with some people it helped to know i wasnt alone,its possibe to get him to go if he knows its not just him with seclusion as a way of dealing with this problem,but before you can move forward to better health then he has to accept it and then learn how to deal with it as well.i myself havent been intimate as a result of what i feel is fear and guilt of possibly infecting my wife whos negitive,slowly as time goes by things will get better though,and to force him may only make him more combatant to not want to go talk to someone who can help.fear is a stagering thing when it comes to opening up inner feelings.ive talked with women the way i never thought possible but after it felt good to get things off my chest.also you may want to tryt and get him to come on this site to learn about the things he will need to know,and that may help to put him at ease somewhat,i hoope the best outcome for the both of you.take care

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Choosing2Liv
Legend

Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 581
Loc: South
Re: Need advice-get hubby to counseling new
      #202766 - 08/07/06 11:38 AM

First of all, I applaud you for the interest you have in your husband's health and well-being. Many of us wish I wives would adopt your attitude.

Now, we husbands are weird breed. Sometimes we rebel when we feel our wives are "mothering" us or making us do something we really don't want to or are not ready to do (like going to counseling). Even small suggestions can be taken as “nagging.” So, you’ve got to work smarter, in order to help him help himself.

I would strongly suggest that you tell your husband about this site. Share with him the kinds of info YOU are learning and how it's helping YOU. Once he realizes how it's benefited you, he just might check it out and get help as well. Telling him to go to a counselor or even telling him to come to this website may turn him off. If that’s the case, don’t directly tell him what to do. Brag about what you’ve found, and let visiting the site become HIS idea.

Let's face it, wives are MUCH better at making their husbands do things than they give themselves credit for. :) Use that to your advantage.

Best regards,
-Gary


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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: Need advice-get hubby to counseling new
      #202790 - 08/07/06 07:56 PM

Husbands are a weird breed huh? lol Gary you just said a mouthful!!!

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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