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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
When does the pain not feel like pain anymore?
      #192492 - 05/21/06 09:46 PM

Let me see if I can set the tone for this post.

I see my life and Williams life in a transitory period. From the super incredible to the inevitable mortality of friends and loved ones and yes, even us. I have found the hope for "brighter days" and I am greatful for that. This road traveled has been everything everyone has said it would be with little extras and detours here and again. From picnic's in the park to hiv clinics, from dinner and a movie to yogert and a cocktail. I am not sure I am always going to like this. I have gained so much in friendships and people that I care for. I new I was always a caregiver, but god it really hurts these days. Its almost like "the book of Eric" has been closed forever and a new "book of Eric" has been published but I am not allowed to ever read it.

When I look around the world thru the eye glasses of the net, I see a whole hell of alot of pain and suffering. Friends who helped me initially now are now doing serious battle against a simple infection that a 2 year old could wipe clean in 48 hours. How am I to help that person knowing full well that he probably will loose this one? And his reponse "I would not change a thing in my life and that my life was full". This is not about me. This is about you! I couldnt really give a real shit about things right now. I feel very compromised that I will now have these kind of stories to live with and live through.. HIV/AIDS is killing my friends! I look at our goverment who looks away to far off lands who's needs are genuine but WE are still here!!! For Pete sake I get very anxious, nervious for those who have run out of options. In a country such as ours, how can options be run out of?? I am mad, I am angry and sad all at the same time. The more I read, the more I make friends, the more it hurts. This is new territory and I am uncomfortable about living in a dying world.... The worst part of it is, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY..... Someone pull their head out of their arse and fix this... God Dam it, Fix it!

Ok Paxil time.....

Love

Edited by EricCO (05/21/06 10:55 PM)

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: When does the pain not feel like pain anymore? new
      #192493 - 05/21/06 10:20 PM

you couldn't of said it better

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Blixer
Legend

Reged: 01/10/06
Posts: 599
Loc: Missouri
Re: When does the pain not feel like pain anymore? new
      #192497 - 05/21/06 10:43 PM

Eric, you are a caregiver. And you are touching lives. Probably even more lives than you will ever realize. These are lives that are hurting and sometimes very broken. It takes a lot out of you. And yes, I get mad also when I know what resources are out there and how they are wasted on things that are so meaningless while people hurt and die.

But in the end, never forget what a bright spot you are. And what part you play. You can't fix it. You can't even probably get the attention of those who really can try to fix it. But you can be you. And you can do what you are doing. Even when it hurts.

From me to you, thanks so much for being there. Truthfully, without your encouragement I would have probably given up. You have been there for me and you have made a diffeerence.

Love you!
David

--------------------
David
Sustiva, Epivir, Videx EC


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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: When does the pain not feel like pain anymore? new
      #192501 - 05/21/06 11:17 PM

David, thanks.. But this is not about me, its about you and everyone else trying to find the "mix". The "life" the "quality in living" the "love to live" with this. I get very upset when the options run low or the sadness that can flow.. Sure there are happy stories but I seem to gravitate to those whose prostects are hard or even bleak.. It is just not right or even fair.. Not at 25 years, NO not at 25 years of this.. We should be doing better.

Edited by EricCO (05/21/06 11:18 PM)

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moonstarchild
Guardian

Reged: 02/28/06
Posts: 369
Re: When does the pain not feel like pain anymore? new
      #192503 - 05/21/06 11:25 PM

I know how you feel. I get so angry when I hear people say that it is okay because there are meds. It is not that simple. I remember the quilt and the AZT and the hush hush when a family memeber died "mysteriously" even though I was a little girl, I still remember.

I know that same pain as an adult. And you are right. It doesn't have to be this way. I don't know if I could have went on without you guys. Eric you have been so supportive and I think of you and Will often. I know it is hard but take comfort in knowing that for those who have gone on the struggle is over and we will see them on the other side.

I know that like you, I will have many heartaches when my frinds go, but I know that I will have made their lives that much sweeter here on earth. Like David said you just be you. Just like you told me to be me.

I love you Eric.

--------------------
HIV is a part of me, but it does not define me!!!

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Blixer
Legend

Reged: 01/10/06
Posts: 599
Loc: Missouri
Re: When does the pain not feel like pain anymore? new
      #192511 - 05/21/06 11:40 PM

I know this is not about you Eric, but I also want you to know that even though this thread is not about you, you are a part of it. You have been out there in the midst of this. It is almost like the drug companies have done such a good job at marketing the meds today that people have forgotten that meds aren't avaialble for everyone and that the quality of life still has a ways to go for many. The drug companies have made a big difference in our lives, but they may have also taken the edge off of the concept that this scourge of HIV isn't over. And I think we all have a right to be upset.



--------------------
David
Sustiva, Epivir, Videx EC


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franfrog
Legend

Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 1342
Loc: NJ
Re: When does the pain not feel like pain anymore? new
      #192533 - 05/22/06 07:50 AM

You know Eric, people can go through the things we go through without this disease. We have many obsticles in life but everyone does. I try to steer my children through some of those obsticles but sometimes they need to do it on their own. You are a great person and so are all the people we have met here. We have made great friendships that I want to keep forever. I do not think that we all look at this as a disease that does not seem to get better over all these years. I have decided to look at this as a way of life. I am far from religious(sorry A2H) but I think everything happens for a reason and I beleive the support we have from each other and our families is enough to get us through anything.
25 years of this has progressed into so much. When my husbands brother found out he was poz, all they had was AZT and died within 6 months of them finding out and him being on the meds. He was as far gone if not a little better then I was when I got my results 10 months ago and look at where I am now. I know we would all love a vaccine to prevent it or hell even our cure, but I am confident in time it will happen. I am confident we will beat this epidemic, with the strength and knowledge of people like you and Char, and all the others who are educating, it can not happen any other way.

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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: When does the pain not feel like pain anymore? new
      #192539 - 05/22/06 08:30 AM

i always thought that being ALIVE meant feeling pain and that if you didnt feel any pain you were either dead or brain dead.......?

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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ScotCharles
Legend

Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 924
Loc: Los Angeles
Re: When does the pain not feel like pain anymore? new
      #192562 - 05/22/06 10:24 AM

"No one gets out alive." - Jim Morrison

--------------------
Life is a river.
Carpe diem.

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AIDS2HIV
Legend

Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 2200
Re: When does the pain not feel like pain anymore? new
      #192564 - 05/22/06 10:30 AM

Its gonna take a chain reaction to make a difference, A reaction of People taking it upon themselves to make changes within thier communities. Standing up, Speaking Out. Educating people, with Honest accounts, experiences, and Addressing the issues that people like governments dont address. Often we sit back and say, this needs to change, but do we put forth the effort it requires to change it?

Pain is sometimes mandatory, but suffering is always optional. We've had Presidents in a wheelchairs, in great pain, who used that pain to motivate making great changes. Theres people who have lost legs, and set running records, Helen Keller born blind & deaf, Graduated from college with full honors. Their success was hinged on the fact that they didnt let Pain turn into Pity. They werent just survivors, they were Overcomers. They rose to the challenge, and overcome all obstacles.

Get involved, put forth effort to make changes, the rewards are unmentionable. Moonstar is doing things she never thought she could, and reaping the rewards of her efforts, and so are everyone around her. Fran & Hellfire, have gotten themselves involved, and reap the rewards that have followed. Myself, am making a difference in my community. Im sure i am not the only one, but i for one, was one that wrote the CDC, lobbying for the routine testing they are now lobbying for. I am currently working on changing the views of an "abstinance only" group that has recently opened an office in my area. Win or lose, I put forth the effort to be heard.

The point I'm trying to make is this....There will always be pain in everyone of our lives. Its what we allow that pain to turn into that makes a difference. We can wallow in it, and let it turn into pity, and change nothing. Or we can overcome it, and use it as a tool to make changes* Adversity is oppurtunity with a mask on, my friend. Death is something we must all go through, but dwelling on it, only kills the life inside of you. Live,Love & Accept.

Good Luck & God Bless*






--------------------
Thinking about meeting someone from this site? Read my profile before you do.

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DanielMark
Expert

Reged: 06/06/04
Posts: 120
Loc: Ottawa Canada
Re: When does the pain not feel like pain anymore? new
      #192674 - 05/23/06 05:47 AM

Looking at “the big picture,” pain and pleasure, sadness and joy. That’s life. As AIDS2HIV posted: pain is inevitable – suffering is optional.

Every living soul has their share of challenges, and every challenge is relative to each person. We Poz folk are not all that unique in that way.

Human beings have limitations. One of those is that there is only so much we can do for others to make their lives less painful. The world is big (tho the Internet makes it seems small) and we are exposed to so much misery that it can become overwhelming, if we don’t keep things in perspective.

If you are doing all you can to enrich your life and the lives of those close to you, then you are doing well. The rest I pray about, because only some force greater than me can really have any effect on other people’s lives in the wider world.

Love and be loved, show kindness to others, and life will grant you many joys, even while living with HIV in your body. Don’t waste a minute of today, because it might be your last.

No one, and I mean no one, is guaranteed a tomorrow.

This has been a mind purge. LOL

--------------------
Follow your honest heart

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: When does the pain not feel like pain anymore? new
      #192743 - 05/23/06 02:13 PM

pain is inevitable – suffering is optional. /QUOTE..

Except for those who have run out of options...

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