Hi, guys, I've been missing you all, esp AIDSTOHV

It is so good to be back, I and my husband have been very busy with blood work, trying to get a head doc---long, long waiting list for that with an HMO, and just dealing with life in general. Also we went to the Northern Lights ALternatives, which is a three day weekend for positive people and their loved ones, met some wonderful people there and will continue as a support person, there is front row which is the first time you go, lots of meditation, visualizing positive things, healing, spirituality, food and food and more food, all cooked by the back row. The therapists were flown in from across the country and two had begun work with hemophiliacs back in the 80's and had marched on washington I think they said daddy Bush was pres or am I mistaken, and he was such an ass that they{the marchers} jumped the picket line and started spitting on him. They wanted him to come look at the aids babies and he wouldn't give them the time of day. They were also some of the first to be involved in the AIDS QUILT. There were back row members who had been involved since the early days, so it was way cool.

There were also lotsa parents of PFLAG which was pretty cool also and some were older, 70's and 80's who had lost their children, adult children to the illness back when it was a death sentence.

At any rate now we have a support system set up down in boduck, Oklahoma. I was sad to meet a young man with a cd4 count of 4 who is living in an aids nursing home, and really want to adopt him. He really stuck in my heart and my mind and we wanted to teach him how to fish, yet I think he is afraid of having an adopted family, he wanted us to take him to strip clubs instead and I'm like whatever, I don't live that life anymore.

Struggling with my husband's depression, his adherence has been not good. He dug himself into this hole when he was using, new warrants out. Depression. His sponsor said when people have experienced abuse as severe as was dished out on him as a child, it has to be worked through. It was so bad that his sister tried to commit suicide when she was "remembering" and she's wealthy, married since God was born, stable, way different than us, so imagine the challenge this will present., however, I'm positive it can be accomplished and i'm hanging in there with him, it is really expanding my mind, my heart and teaching me so much about life that I am grateful for hiv/aids to present in my life. Really I have gotten so much knowledge about all of the stereotypes, my husband presents with and really we can all learn from people, and life's situations, maybe how to love unconditionally. My husband has told me so much about his past, once he has learned I do not reject people, like that he used to go home with guys when he was heavy in his crack addiction and living on the streets of Chicago. He does not consider himself gay i guess he's bi, right? I believe that may be part of what he's running from----I was told before, if you're having trouble staying clean, deal with your stuff, issues, painful as it is, it will cause more pain trying to keep it down, buried down deep inside, eating away at you. Mine, my issue when I relapsed was incest. The kind you don't remember untill..........it gets triggered by a scent, a look, trauma. So we, he and I, are children of trauma, now adults we get to decide, do we want to live? Or die. If I choose to live, how do I want to live? What is all of this about anyway? And to me, it is about love, and compassion. Sleep with my husband? Man would I like to be able to f----his brains out. He's been too sick, maybe someday we will be able to again.

I am going to ask the ID doc to change the meds, because he's been missing doses for awhile now. I think the depression makes adherence more difficult for some people, and so with prozac helping the depression waiting to see a shrink, and Ryan White program not really doing resistance tests, I think I need to insist meds be changed. The combe is smt/tmp, diflucan, bactrim, azithromax, combivir, sustiva.

The id doc said he does not expect my husbands counts to come up from 8, due to hep c and hep B. to that I say watch it, I bet it will, now give him another chance and change the f---king meds, I am sure he's developed resistance, he's missed or been hours late every day for two months, and missed meds for two months while in jail.

Doc said it may stay that low, because he's abused his body so badly.
I will not accept that for an answer at this time. Not without a fight.

Post Extras: Remind Me!