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To the ANON healing his relationship with his son
      #188741 - 04/30/06 01:29 PM

I started this thread because I felt that what you are saying is important and that it would be better in it's own thread than mixed in with the Registration thread.

"When my son was diagnosed he no longer felt he needed to hold back for any reason and told me what a lousy dad i was . After that I didnt feel much the warm and fuzzy az one might expect. I also during that time was in a continued fight with my wife's breast cancer and saw a series of my mistakes as the result of fast and promiscuous times in college having negative consequences 35 years later. I also at that time felt put upon by numerous people in my life, in my associations and in the world period. I am now climing out of that sad place and returning to my usual sweet self.

It all started with my wifes breast cancer and my sons HIV, and went downhill from there.

I was really yelling at myself through others whoi have made their mistakes also and it wasnt till someone on here reminded me that I made mistakes when i was young also that this point set a loud and helpful ring.
Me and my son have had problems for years. Our expectations of each other have been brutal. Im afraid to open up to him cause he lies so much and leads one astray emotionally. But now he has HIV and all that other stuff doesnt seem to matter much. H'e moving to New York. We dont speak much now but our conversion is respectful. I looked up the names of Grocery's in NY that I can open an account with to make sure if hard times hit he can have good food on his table. As for he and my relationship, it is a slow process and I am emotionally frail from my wifes illness and scared to go see him just yet as I may break down again. Best to repair slowly over the phone and set up a visit when the time is right."

You have had a lot to deal with. I think at least once in our lives we suddenly look around and find our lives completely out of our control. We see the mistakes of the past coming back to haunt us. I'm glad to hear that you feel you are starting to see the otherside of this deep tunnel you have been traveling.

Speaking as the child: I too have had issues with a parent, my Mother. I never felt I measured up to her expectations. I was always missing the mark. I think I made some of the choices that I have made in life, because in my mind it was easier to just give up and fail early, than to try to live up to expectation I was sure I would never make. It was also easier to blame her for all my failings, than to recognize the fact that I was an adult and had free will to make my own decisions. There comes a point in each child's life that they have to stop blaming their childhood. We all grow up.

Funny thing is that over time I've learned that while she expected much from me, it was I that placed impossible expectations on myself. As I've become more comfortable with myself it's been easier to try and forge a relationship with my Mom.

At this point with her in her 80's and me in my 40's we are trying to forge a relationship...honestly I don't think we will ever be close, but I do feel that there is mutual respect in our relationship now.

I probably got a step up in understanding my Mom's viewpoint when I became a parent...just where is that instruction manuel I was promised!!!! I understand that your son may never become a parent, but that doesn't mean that he won't also start to work through some of his stuff. Yeah, he issues also. Parents are an easy mark. It's easy to blame them for all our mistakes.

It sounds as if you and your son are starting the healing process between the two of you. Just remember this is not all on you. A parent-child relationship is a two way street.

Over all else remember the most important person to take care of, is yourself. Be kind, gentle and good to yourself. Remember that we all are trying to find our way, and we do the best that we can at that moment in time. There is no useful purpose of second guessing ourselves later. We may see that we would have done things differently, but that hindsight is with experience and knowledge that we didn't have at the time.

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      #188881 - 05/01/06 02:52 PM

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Re: To the ANON healing his relationship with his son new
      #190591 - 05/10/06 11:43 AM

Things are on the mend with my son. It was the specific exchanges I had on the messageboards of this site that helped me and continue to help me to deal with the feelings of the initial shock and to not define my son by the hype around the stigma. Compassion and trust are returning to our relationship and I am pleased as can be. His viral load is down to 10,000 from 16,000 and his CD is up to 490 from 390. He feels well. I hope our continued contact makes him feel positive things that promote his internal,emotional and physical healing.

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