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mepos_himneg
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Newbie
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Reged: 04/24/06
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Posts: 3
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Loc: Manhattan, NY
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HIV+ and feeling like my world is caving in...HELP
#187914 - 04/25/06 04:01 PM
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I'm new here and I'm a hiv + women that is in a relationship with a hiv - man. We've been together for several years however I just found out that I was pos. He is having a very hard time accepting this (i.e. the "elephant" Syndrome). We both are madly in love with each other and neither of us wants the relationship to end however, we are hardly ever intimate because of his anger and fear. Conversely, I've tried to suggest that we just go our separate ways, but he is very resistant to this. He has done a lot of reading up on the virus but is still having a heck of a time "accepting". Although I'm the infected one, I have been "the rock" between the two of us. I feel so helpless because I think that the more that he reads WebMD, the more paranoid he gets. Just today he told me that he's terrified he may have it because " he is always tired, he throat is sore, he has reoccurring headaches, his fingers are peeling and that's never happened to him before". No you and I know that those are only symptoms of his mind playing tricks on him, but nothing I tell him is helping. How do I ease his anxieties, fears, confusions?
I know that he's trying really hard to get through this but things seem to be getting out of hand. Yet, he doesn't want to give up on the relationship however this is taking a toll on my emotion well-being and I'M THE ONE WITH THE VIRUS!! How does a couple that is so completely happy in every other aspect of their lives get through something like this? I pray continuously for patience, clarity and guidance but this has been the most taxing and draining three months of my life. It really sickens both of us to even think about not staying together, but I feel like he deserves more then me. I want to pack my things and just vanish of the face of the earth -- and that's coming from the stronger of the two -- ME!!
Without warning to him, I left for a few days (because I felt he needed some space) and every day I was gone he begged me to come back home. When I decided to come home... things where the same -- him telling me he loves me, he doesn't want to be without me but yet he's scared and doesn't know how (or if) he can (or will) ever get through this. I’m so confused!!
Are there any couples like this living in the NYC (Manhattan) area that knows of any groups/couple therapy places for people like our unique situation? Is there anyone that I can talk to that is feeling like me? I don't want to loose this man and I need help to make it right.
Thanks so much for taking your time to help me as I feel like I'm isolated in this journey and the easiest way for me to numb the pain is through ways that are not mentally or physically healthy.
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Bear60
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Legend
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Reged: 12/21/05
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Posts: 1390
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Dear MePos
My heart goes out to you. I know this is so very difficult for the two of you. I am very sure that because you live in the NYC area there are good services available to you. I guess you were trying to say that: you need counseling as a couple. I agree. Do a Google search for HIV AIDS Service Organizations ( your area)
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6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia
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Jenni
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Master
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Reged: 11/06/05
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Posts: 149
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Loc: Texas, USA
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I understand how both of you feel. My bf is + and I'm -. Although the opposite is true for us, he's stopped all forms of intimacy and contact. So I sympathize with you on that front... NO, sex is not the most important thing in the world, but it is a valid want/need in an adult relationship. Intimacy/affection is something that people and most animals yearn for.
But...... I also sympathize with your bf. Even though I have pretty much accepted that, more than likely, a test will come back + (we had unprotected sex for a year before his diagnosis) I still fret over every 'symptom'.
I am still awaiting the results from my latest test. I am scared in a sense, afterall, who really wants to know what is going to kill them? Common sense tells you that you could die in a car wreck tomorrow, but there's always that nagging knowledge... And as scared and anxious as I am, I still know that if it does come back +, it's not the end of my life. Being HIV+ is not the death sentence that it was 20 years ago.
My suggestion to your bf is to STOP reading WebMD and START reading these boards. What better fountain of knowledge than people who are LIVING with it?
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It's you that I live for and for you that I die.
So I'll lay here with you until the final goodbye
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mepos_himneg
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Newbie
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Reged: 04/24/06
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Posts: 3
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Loc: Manhattan, NY
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I am certainly going to file these messages in the memory bank. Thank you very much for all the kind words as they are very inspiring.
Marie
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Jenni
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Master
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Reged: 11/06/05
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Posts: 149
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Loc: Texas, USA
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Not a problem, we're all here for each other...
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It's you that I live for and for you that I die.
So I'll lay here with you until the final goodbye
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AIDS2HIV
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Legend
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Reged: 12/19/05
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MePos: Look up the Aids Service Organization in your area, and call and explain your situation, and ask for an Hiv counselor. Also ask for support groups in your area. You & your BF will benefit from both. Your BF's problem is a problem of "self" and its easily healed by education, and talking about it. As far as Sex life / intimacy goes...Use latex or polyurethane condoms (male condoms are most affective), along with a water based lubricant. BE RESONSIBLE and pay enough attention to what the condom is doing i.e. slipping,etc At first, both may feel scared and/or awkward, but i assure you, as you continue to practice safe sex, the fear will leave you both. Hiv doesnt mean we have to go without intimacy or affection, we just have to change the way we do some things, such as always using latex condoms & water based lubricants. From what you've stated this man loves you enough he should be willing to do these things. Communication skills ARE required.
Hiv is a learning disease, for everyone, even the doctors, i assure if you remain teachable and humble you will experience even greater happiness in the love you share,than you ever have before. Hiv affects not only those infected, but all those around the infected, However, those around you are easily cured of the affect of hiv, by education. I was diagnosed with late stage Aids, my wife is negative, we live a very rewarding full life, a very fulfilling sex life too. We educated ourselves, and quit taking Life for granted, and started Living it.....
In closing, if your boyfriends insists on reading things off the internet about Hiv, print this thread off, and let him read it....Get the ball rolling, those who are willing to go to any length to Live with Hiv, do not suffer....they celebrate*
Good Luck & God Bless*
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mepos_himneg
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Newbie
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Reged: 04/24/06
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Posts: 3
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Loc: Manhattan, NY
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Thanks so much!! I'm sending this to the printer as we speak (type... read)...LOL!
I must admit, I was feeling quite hopeless when I initially wrote this post however, after reading the inspiring and encouraging words from everyone, I feel like there's actually a light at the end of the tunnel!
Thanks again and I will keep everyone post as to our progress.
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