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Choosing2Liv
Legend

Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 581
Loc: South
Afraid to Disclose - HELP!
      #187719 - 04/24/06 10:14 AM

As some of you may know, I officially found out a little over a week ago that I was hiv poz. I'm married and obviously MUST tell my wife, so that she can also be tested. After lots of thinking, praying, and coming up with reasons why I should delay telling her, I have given myself one week to prepare and tell her, come hell or high water. MAY 1ST IS MY DROP DEAD DATE! (No pun intended.)

By far, this is the worse thing I have EVER had to face. Even as I type this post, I keep coming up valid reasons to postpone telling her. I could really use everyone's encouragement (and accountability) to help me do the right thing and disclose.

With a well-meaning heart but running scared,
-Gary

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ItsFaith
Legend

Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187722 - 04/24/06 10:20 AM

Gary, I can only imagine how horrible this situation is for you. (Though I've thought about it so many times during my times of fear...and just the what if was horrible) But, sometimes we have to put aside our fears for the good of another. She needs to be tested. This is very important as treatment is key in beating this disease. She has the right to know. And telling her is the right thing to do (Not preaching...I know you know that!) Try to allow the lord to walk you through this. He will help you. He may not be able to prevent her flipping her lid, but he will help you with the aftermath. He will be with you and you will survive. I think that holding this in is probably, in the long run, worse for you mentally and emotionally than her reaction will be (perhaps not the short run...but I don't know her or how she handles upsets such as this)

I will say a prayer for you. I remember you were going to tell her over break, then the next week...be strong...bite the bullet and just do it. waiting won't make it go away.

God Bless.

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franfrog
Legend

Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 1342
Loc: NJ
Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187726 - 04/24/06 10:48 AM

Gary, I know how you feel. When I ended up finding out and having to have my husband come into the hospital to tell him I was HIV poz, knowing it was not even something I had gotten from when we were together, I thought it was over. I thought I would see the firemarks as he ran out the door. I can remember having my mother come with him and when he walked in the room I was in tears. I blurted out, I am positive. He was the most supportive I had seen him in the 5 years we have been together. He was by my side eveyday of that horrible month stay in the hospital.
To me, honesty is the best. I think if you sit her down and just tell her. Do not beat around the bush do not try to have her figure out what you are saying. Just tell her! You are a strong loving husband and beleive that you can do this! I will keep you in my thoughts! Let us know. GOOD LUCK(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))to get through it!

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A.Brussels
Unregistered

Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187733 - 04/24/06 11:17 AM

Im currently in the same situtaion as you...
I posted a request of help here a week ago..
the differnce is that my bf is away, & i will only see him during one week next month...
still didn't have the courage to tell him....
sometimes i tell my self that by delaying telling him, i can save him some sad feelings
but this will not be the case if we are living together now. if we are together now, i think i will not be able to hide it from him!
i can't tell you go ahead tell your wife, or don't do that.
but maybe you can at least explain why you are delaying it? what is the target?
for me as me and my bf are living apart.. then i might keep it secret..maybe? not sure yet!

Good luck anyway!

A

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187776 - 04/24/06 05:38 PM

I'm with FLA we are here for you and each other come hell or high water.....You're in my prayers man.

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AIDS2HIV
Legend

Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 2200
Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187777 - 04/24/06 05:59 PM

Well 6 yrs ago, i met a lady who had some kids, and i myself had a few. We got together, and in doing so, i watched as thier biological fathers shunned them to the point of getting court orders to avoid supporting them,etc I didnt mind as i knew what kind of man i was, i worked hard and provided for them, without asking help from anyone. I loved them as they were my own flesh & blood. Last year, (on Valentines Day) i went to the hospital because i was very ill, they tested me for HIV, and it came back positive. a week later they WB confirmed it. I was hospitalized between the two tests, clingin for my life, as i was diagnosed in the late stages of aids. So, last year on Valentines i went home & told the lady i love & the kids i love the truth about me, thats was everyone Valentines day present* But it didnt stop there, I laid confined in a bed for 3 months,while doctors,pastors, and the like told them i probably wouldnt make it, and if i did, it would be christmas of 05 before i ever walked again. It never was a issue of guilt, shame or Fear for me. But instead an issue of Love.. The trick is to set the fear aside, and face your "self" and ya do that properly by first telling on yourself to your loved ones. I asked myself some questions: If one of my kids had HIV, would i want them to come tell me, or keep it a secret? Would i be more ashamed of telling my wife the news i had hiv, or infecting her? Did I want to die and leave my loved ones with the impression that I loved em so much, i kept this from them? Was i strong enough to carry the secret and put forth the effort of constantly tellin' lies to cover lies?....

The first thing they handed me,aside from my test results was a copy of the disclosure laws, and my obligation to that. As i was being admitted to the hospital i told my wife, i would fully understand, if she didnt want to stay with me,etc. She didnt hesitate to care for me, when everyone else was ready to give up on me. Myself I've always been a fearless type of guy, i have lived my life my way, and have had FUN doing it. But i laid in a bed, and saw Raw Fear grip those i loved most. I watched as my petite little wife,drug me from bed to wheelchair to get me medical help,blood transfusions,spoon fed me,prayed over me. I listened as my children cried out of fear, children who had no one else but me, cry hysterically not knowing whether I'd live or die. I learned to humble myself, and start a relationship with God, and to stop taking Life for Granted. I began walking on my own on June first 6 months ahead of schedule*

The point I'm getting at is that HIV affects more than just you, it affects everyone around you. And many will disagree with me when i say you have an obligation to disclose. Those who think they have no obligation to disclose still live in the fear of it, I've been down that road, ive faced everything & I've recovered. And so will you, make the decisions you have to make and take action. Be responsible for the stigma, or be responsible for breaking through it....make the decision and act upon it. How long would you want your child to wait to tell You?....think about it*

The sooner you tell, the better you will feel, regardless of anyone reaction to it*...Good Luck & God Bless*

--------------------
Thinking about meeting someone from this site? Read my profile before you do.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187820 - 04/25/06 03:27 AM

I'm sharing my story in the hopes it might help you in your situation: My husband was in the same position as you on Feb. 4th of last year -my son's 2nd birthday (had him before met my husband). He got the shocking news from a nurse who came to our home while I was at work. He didn't know how to tell me so he asked the nurse to come back later that day and tell me. She was able to provide info about the disease and a voice of hope to us that helped us digest the news. My reaction was total devastation and fear, of course. I only knew what I'd learned in school many years before that the disease is an automatic death sentence and I was so terrified of losing my husband. It was several minutes after being told and crying "No, God, No!" and throwing a fit on my living room couch that I said "Well, I guess I've got it too." We'd only been married 2 months so the nurse said there was a very good chance I wasn't infected. But I can honestly say I didn't feel one bit of anger, resentment or blame towards my husband when my results came back positive (after 3 months of wondering and 2 "indeterminate" results). He didn't do this on purpose. Everyone makes mistakes. Before my test my husband suggested we divorce and I marry someone else so I could be happy (he assumed I would be negative). I think I told him "No friggin' way. We're in this together, Baby." Sometimes I think about how if only he'd been tested about a month earlier, then I wouldn't have become infected. But all things happen for a reason and there's no point in driving ourselves crazy.
Your wife's heart will break but it will heal faster than you think. When your reality comes crashing down like that you've got to mourn deeply. But the world keeps turning on its axis and life goes on. It gets better. Hope replaces the fear.
-God Bless

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sadface
Legend

Reged: 02/15/06
Posts: 797
Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187829 - 04/25/06 07:57 AM

Gary, my friend...
I know how terrified you are, and I feel your pain. You, at some point in time, will have to confront your wife and your children. Noone asks for this to happen to them, but it did and now you have to disclose to your wife, you may not of infected her. I know you are afraid of what your wife, kids, extended family and friends will "think" of you, but God will give you strength and bring people into your life at this time, that will help pull you through. You are worth so much, you have made an impact in so many peoples lives..you are still the same man, you just have a condition now. You are non different then the man sitting next to you in church, you are a humanbeing with feelings and emotions just like everyone else. You will get the strength to get through this. When God closes a door...he opens a window. Get this huge weight off of your chest, not disclosing and lying to yourself is only going to wear you down. I am here for you, you have my number....
Love and prayers,
M.

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Choosing2Liv
Legend

Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 581
Loc: South
A Gift That's Better Than Money - Support new
      #187861 - 04/25/06 12:34 PM

Hello all!

Earlier today I had a somewhat emotional visit with a counselor who's helping me sort through all of this. It was only my third visit, but I left feeling somewhat empowered and even more committed to doing what I know is right. I WILL tell my wife on Sunday evening.

I must confess that there was still a little fear. However, this fear was centered around the fact that I will be alone. My strongest support system has always been my immediate-, extended- and church family. Once they've discovered what's going on, they will immediately run to the aid of my wife and children (and rightfully so). She is much more fragile than me and will need their help. I'd accepted the fact that being isolated is part of my payment for the careless act I've committed.

Well, I came online to post a new message, and to my delight, I saw all of your messages. At the risk of loosing my macho image, I must tell you that I read the first post and have not yet been able to hold back the tears. (I know I've used at least a half box of tissues.)

The encouragement you've given, the stories of hope you've shared, the willingness of some of you to even send private messages with your telephone numbers.....I AM COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED BY YOUR SHOW OF SUPPORT.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

I know that there is an uncertain and rocky road ahead of me, but you have helped me combat one of my biggest worries -- the fear that I will be rejected and alone. Even if all of my other families disappear, I have all of you. What a wonderful gift.

With heartfelt regards,
-G

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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: A Gift That's Better Than Money - Support new
      #187878 - 04/25/06 01:42 PM

Gary...sent you a PM. Hope it helps. Glad to know you are facing up to the reality of your situation. Its hard to do, I know.

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187908 - 04/25/06 03:42 PM

in Jan 04 I received the news that i was positive - and had to face telling my partner of 2 years the horrific news. i did not delay - it was not fair to him - and i knew that i could only get through this with him. He never got upset, we cried, he tested and we moved forward from there. It sounds much worse then it is, telling somebody you love you are infected... but isn't it what you would want if situations were reversed? God bless and god speed buddy - suck it up and deal with it and with her - she deserves the truth.

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