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Choosing2Liv
Veteran

Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 581
Loc: South
Afraid to Disclose - HELP!
      #187719 - 04/24/06 10:14 AM

As some of you may know, I officially found out a little over a week ago that I was hiv poz. I'm married and obviously MUST tell my wife, so that she can also be tested. After lots of thinking, praying, and coming up with reasons why I should delay telling her, I have given myself one week to prepare and tell her, come hell or high water. MAY 1ST IS MY DROP DEAD DATE! (No pun intended.)

By far, this is the worse thing I have EVER had to face. Even as I type this post, I keep coming up valid reasons to postpone telling her. I could really use everyone's encouragement (and accountability) to help me do the right thing and disclose.

With a well-meaning heart but running scared,
-Gary

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ItsFaith
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Reged: 10/17/05
Posts: 1329
Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187722 - 04/24/06 10:20 AM

Gary, I can only imagine how horrible this situation is for you. (Though I've thought about it so many times during my times of fear...and just the what if was horrible) But, sometimes we have to put aside our fears for the good of another. She needs to be tested. This is very important as treatment is key in beating this disease. She has the right to know. And telling her is the right thing to do (Not preaching...I know you know that!) Try to allow the lord to walk you through this. He will help you. He may not be able to prevent her flipping her lid, but he will help you with the aftermath. He will be with you and you will survive. I think that holding this in is probably, in the long run, worse for you mentally and emotionally than her reaction will be (perhaps not the short run...but I don't know her or how she handles upsets such as this)

I will say a prayer for you. I remember you were going to tell her over break, then the next week...be strong...bite the bullet and just do it. waiting won't make it go away.

God Bless.

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franfrog
Veteran

Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 1342
Loc: NJ
Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187726 - 04/24/06 10:48 AM

Gary, I know how you feel. When I ended up finding out and having to have my husband come into the hospital to tell him I was HIV poz, knowing it was not even something I had gotten from when we were together, I thought it was over. I thought I would see the firemarks as he ran out the door. I can remember having my mother come with him and when he walked in the room I was in tears. I blurted out, I am positive. He was the most supportive I had seen him in the 5 years we have been together. He was by my side eveyday of that horrible month stay in the hospital.
To me, honesty is the best. I think if you sit her down and just tell her. Do not beat around the bush do not try to have her figure out what you are saying. Just tell her! You are a strong loving husband and beleive that you can do this! I will keep you in my thoughts! Let us know. GOOD LUCK(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))to get through it!

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A.Brussels
Unregistered

Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187733 - 04/24/06 11:17 AM

Im currently in the same situtaion as you...
I posted a request of help here a week ago..
the differnce is that my bf is away, & i will only see him during one week next month...
still didn't have the courage to tell him....
sometimes i tell my self that by delaying telling him, i can save him some sad feelings
but this will not be the case if we are living together now. if we are together now, i think i will not be able to hide it from him!
i can't tell you go ahead tell your wife, or don't do that.
but maybe you can at least explain why you are delaying it? what is the target?
for me as me and my bf are living apart.. then i might keep it secret..maybe? not sure yet!

Good luck anyway!

A

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187776 - 04/24/06 05:38 PM

I'm with FLA we are here for you and each other come hell or high water.....You're in my prayers man.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187820 - 04/25/06 03:27 AM

I'm sharing my story in the hopes it might help you in your situation: My husband was in the same position as you on Feb. 4th of last year -my son's 2nd birthday (had him before met my husband). He got the shocking news from a nurse who came to our home while I was at work. He didn't know how to tell me so he asked the nurse to come back later that day and tell me. She was able to provide info about the disease and a voice of hope to us that helped us digest the news. My reaction was total devastation and fear, of course. I only knew what I'd learned in school many years before that the disease is an automatic death sentence and I was so terrified of losing my husband. It was several minutes after being told and crying "No, God, No!" and throwing a fit on my living room couch that I said "Well, I guess I've got it too." We'd only been married 2 months so the nurse said there was a very good chance I wasn't infected. But I can honestly say I didn't feel one bit of anger, resentment or blame towards my husband when my results came back positive (after 3 months of wondering and 2 "indeterminate" results). He didn't do this on purpose. Everyone makes mistakes. Before my test my husband suggested we divorce and I marry someone else so I could be happy (he assumed I would be negative). I think I told him "No friggin' way. We're in this together, Baby." Sometimes I think about how if only he'd been tested about a month earlier, then I wouldn't have become infected. But all things happen for a reason and there's no point in driving ourselves crazy.
Your wife's heart will break but it will heal faster than you think. When your reality comes crashing down like that you've got to mourn deeply. But the world keeps turning on its axis and life goes on. It gets better. Hope replaces the fear.
-God Bless

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sadface
Veteran

Reged: 02/15/06
Posts: 797
Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187829 - 04/25/06 07:57 AM

Gary, my friend...
I know how terrified you are, and I feel your pain. You, at some point in time, will have to confront your wife and your children. Noone asks for this to happen to them, but it did and now you have to disclose to your wife, you may not of infected her. I know you are afraid of what your wife, kids, extended family and friends will "think" of you, but God will give you strength and bring people into your life at this time, that will help pull you through. You are worth so much, you have made an impact in so many peoples lives..you are still the same man, you just have a condition now. You are non different then the man sitting next to you in church, you are a humanbeing with feelings and emotions just like everyone else. You will get the strength to get through this. When God closes a door...he opens a window. Get this huge weight off of your chest, not disclosing and lying to yourself is only going to wear you down. I am here for you, you have my number....
Love and prayers,
M.

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Choosing2Liv
Veteran

Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 581
Loc: South
A Gift That's Better Than Money - Support new
      #187861 - 04/25/06 12:34 PM

Hello all!

Earlier today I had a somewhat emotional visit with a counselor who's helping me sort through all of this. It was only my third visit, but I left feeling somewhat empowered and even more committed to doing what I know is right. I WILL tell my wife on Sunday evening.

I must confess that there was still a little fear. However, this fear was centered around the fact that I will be alone. My strongest support system has always been my immediate-, extended- and church family. Once they've discovered what's going on, they will immediately run to the aid of my wife and children (and rightfully so). She is much more fragile than me and will need their help. I'd accepted the fact that being isolated is part of my payment for the careless act I've committed.

Well, I came online to post a new message, and to my delight, I saw all of your messages. At the risk of loosing my macho image, I must tell you that I read the first post and have not yet been able to hold back the tears. (I know I've used at least a half box of tissues.)

The encouragement you've given, the stories of hope you've shared, the willingness of some of you to even send private messages with your telephone numbers.....I AM COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED BY YOUR SHOW OF SUPPORT.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

I know that there is an uncertain and rocky road ahead of me, but you have helped me combat one of my biggest worries -- the fear that I will be rejected and alone. Even if all of my other families disappear, I have all of you. What a wonderful gift.

With heartfelt regards,
-G

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Bear60
Veteran

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: A Gift That's Better Than Money - Support new
      #187878 - 04/25/06 01:42 PM

Gary...sent you a PM. Hope it helps. Glad to know you are facing up to the reality of your situation. Its hard to do, I know.

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Afraid to Disclose - HELP! new
      #187908 - 04/25/06 03:42 PM

in Jan 04 I received the news that i was positive - and had to face telling my partner of 2 years the horrific news. i did not delay - it was not fair to him - and i knew that i could only get through this with him. He never got upset, we cried, he tested and we moved forward from there. It sounds much worse then it is, telling somebody you love you are infected... but isn't it what you would want if situations were reversed? God bless and god speed buddy - suck it up and deal with it and with her - she deserves the truth.

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